Chapter 132 Offshoots
Coming slowly awake with Lee's familiar scent tickling her nose, Kara unrepentantly snuggled her face deeper into his pillow and drew a complacent breath. She easily ignored the twinge of conscience at having ousted him from his berth and took a moment to just enjoy the sensual feeling of being in Lee's bed.
But the respite from the previous day's confrontations didn't last long, and Kara sighed as she languidly stretched, surprised to find her muscles stiff. She must have barely moved the entire time she'd slept. With that thought, came the realization that she'd actually gone a complete sleep cycle without waking from some nightmare or another. Giving a mental shrug, she didn't delve into the possible reasons why.
Rising, she padded barefoot over to the cabin's double-sized locker and pulled it open. The worn hinge squeaked and she grinned at how irritating Lee must have found the sound. Her smile slipped, though, at this reminder of how limited the battlestar's supplies must be if the obsessive Apollo hadn't felt he could justify the use of lubricant for such a non-essential purpose.
Kara surveyed the locker's contents. Evidenced by the folded clothes and personal items still stowed so neatly within, she knew that Lee hadn't had time to clear out his things before she had taken over his cabin—glancing at the room's clock—some six hours ago, she realized. Military etiquette dictated that she leave his things untouched, but the edge of something tucked into the lower shelf's corner caught her eye and Kara bent forward to gently free the picture.
Three young people frozen in a moment of time.
Staring at Zac's open smile, with herself clasped in his arms as Lee stood stiffly by, Kara searched her feelings for the familiar guilt and was startled to not find any. Knowing that Lee must have kept this when the rest of her things had been auctioned off, she carefully returned the photo to its original place and gently closed the door.
A quick exploration of the cabin revealed no evidence of a co-occupant, and Kara couldn't deny the relief she felt at not finding any indication that Dee had moved back in. Instead, she gave her BDUs a quick sniff and decided they'd suffice for another day. Would definitely have to hit up the QM for a full kit sometime today, she decided as she laced her boots.
Half an hour later, Kara set her tray on a corner table in the mess and side-eyed Mathias as the woman settled onto the bench beside her. It looked like the Sergeant had also snagged some additional rack time when Kara had gone to Lee's quarters to crash for a few hours. She supposed they both had needed it; she certainly felt better for the additional sleep, the nap in the brig hadn't been nearly long enough, but she was anxious now to resume her push for a Raptor. And as much as she hated to admit it, Helo had been right to turn her away last night when she'd gone in search of the Admiral after leaving Laura in sickbay. She'd been pissed at first at Karl's interference, but had then grudgingly accepted his argument that the Old Man was more likely to listen once he'd had a chance to sleep on her proposal.
Having been thwarted in both attempts to get support for her continued search for Earth, she finally had reluctantly retreated to the private cabin Lee had insisted on giving her—his own. There, the Sergeant had assigned another guard to stand watch at the hatch before heading off herself. Well, she didn't begrudge the Marine the rest, but it still bothered Kara that Adama distrusted her enough to insist on a guard dog.
Now, probing at the green mass that vaguely resembled hash, Kara grimaced. It wasn't the unappetizing food that darkened her thoughts, though, but the poorly disguised algae reminded her of Laura's revelation that she had somehow lost over four days without the least idea of how.
"You get used to it…eventually," a quiet voice said, and Kara looked up to see Sharon standing on the other side of the table. No, Athena, she reminded herself, feeling the slight disorientation that thoughts of the multiple copies of the Eight always caused her.
"May I?"
Realizing that the figure in dress blues was holding a tray and asking permission to sit, Kara gave a shrug of her shoulders and flatly said, "Suit yourself."
"Hello, Sergeant." Athena gave a small nod to the other woman at the otherwise empty table. Then Mathias' "Sir" in acknowledgment was the last words for several minutes as the three women's attention turned towards their meals.
"So…how are you feeling?" the words were neutrally spoken, but Kara bristled defensively as her eyes met the brown ones opposite her.
"Just peachy. Yourself?" she sardonically replied, then lifted her fork as if bored and studied the congealing piece on the end. The sigh she heard in response gave her a petty gratification that Kara didn't bother to question.
"It's like that, huh?"
Not bothering to meet Athena's gaze again, "Just sitting here trying to eat in peace," she said, and didn't bother to question her uneasy anger at the Eight.
"Thought we were past this, Kara."
This time she did look up and the frustration in the other woman's expression was clear to read. Instead of satisfaction this time though, Kara felt a twinge of remorse and put the uneaten bite aside to cross her arms as she leaned back in her chair.
"You got something to say, then spit it out, Lieutenant," she said, her tone sullen.
"You never make things easy, do you, Starbuck," replied Athena, her eyes looking sad. Again the sigh. "Look, just wanted to know how you're doing. That's all." She lifted her hands in a sign of surrender and reached for her tray, obviously intending to leave. Her motioned halted though as the third woman at the table spoke up.
"Stay, Sir," said Erin Mathias, her polite words somehow sounding more like an command than a request. "I'm sure that Captain Thrace would like the company," she added, giving Kara a look that held both reprimand and understanding at once.
Kara's first instinct was to tell the Sergeant to keep to her own frakkin' business, but then a quiver of humor stilled the impulse. Instead she said, "By all means, stay," with a magnanimous wave at the table. "If I have to choke down this slop, least you can do is share the indigestion."
"It grows on you." Athena took a bite then and chewed with an expression of mock enjoyment. "Yummmmmm," she said, drawing out the sound to a ridiculous length.
"Right," pointing her fork at the other woman, "there's no frakkin' way this stuff'll grow on me...unless I'm wearing it," Kara scoffed.
"I hear it's good for the complexion," offered Athena. "Who knows, might even improve your pasty-white face, Starbuck." At her quip, Kara gave Athena a mock-hurt scowl.
"Ha! Haven't you heard?" Kara leaned forward then, voice lowering as if to divulge a secret. "Green's out of style," she whispered, and then promptly smeared a line of algae along Athena's cheek.
"Oh, that's mature, Starbuck. Thanks."
With luxuries like napkins long gone, Athena had to use the back of her hand to wipe at her face as Kara settled back with a grin. The darker woman have her a severe look before licking the mess from her hand. She didn't bother to hide the grimace at the taste this time, and Kara's smirk grew.
"You were saying?"
"You're such a child sometimes," Athena grumbled as she wiped again at her face to be sure she'd gotten it all off. When she looked up, her eyes widened at the change in the blonde across from her. The smirk was gone and loss dilated the pupils of Kara's eyes. Without a word, Kara rose, abandoning her barely touched tray to move towards the door. A worried glance between Sharon and Mathias was all that was needed for both women to quickly rise to follow her out.
Kara was already halfway down the empty corridor with her strides lengthening even as they tried to catch up.
"I didn't know you were such a coward," Athena called out.
The accusation pulled Kara to a halt. Her hands clenched as the familiar anger came rushing forward again.
"You can't keep running, Kara," the voice grew softer even as it moved closer.
The flame of her rage was snuffed as quickly as it had come. She bent her head as she realized that it was less than a shift ago that she'd vowed to face whatever came…and yet, here she was fleeing from the truth of her weakness as if nothing had changed.
You've always been weak.
The whisper in her mother's voice whispered.
A quitter and a coward.
No, momma, not anymore, she thought.
With hands shifting to her hips, Kara lifted her chin and turned to face the two women. She forced herself to hold steady beneath their scrutiny.
"What happened back there?" Athena finally asked.
Before Kara could figure out how to explain, she heard footsteps behind her and automatically moved to one side of the hall. Her gaze met the curious one of the crewman as he passed. A scowl was enough to send him hurrying along.
"Perhaps this isn't the place," Mathias suggested.
"We can go back to my quarters," offered Athena, "Karl's in CIC and Hera's at the daycare." Kara couldn't stop an instinctive flinch at mention of the little girl and saw the Cylon's look turn speculative. The urge to escape both of the women's presence and find some place where she wasn't being constantly reminded of what she'd lost hammered at her resolve to stop running.
Forcing her jaw to unclench, "Lead the way, Lieutenant," she managed.
Kara avoided Athena's gaze as the smaller woman moved past her. She fell in behind Sharon and felt Mathias at her own back.
On entering the Agathon's quarters, Kara's gaze was immediately pulled to the cot they used for Hera. A few toys lay atop the bed, waiting the child's return. She turned away, arms automatically crossing as she watched Athena pick up a pair of mismatched tiny socks and toss them onto a pile of discarded clothes in one corner of the cabin. Then the woman gave a wave towards the folding table and three chairs Karl had scrounged up from somewhere. Taking the indicated seat, she glanced over her shoulder and wasn't surprised to see Mathias taking her usual place by the hatch instead of joining them.
The scrape of metal-on-metal brought her head around.
As Athena settled into the chair across from her, Kara uneasily shifted in her own.
"How's Cally taking it," she abruptly asked, wondering how the petite Specialist was handling the revelation that her husband was a skinjob and, as a result, her little boy a hybrid. She couldn't tell if the grimace that twisted Sharon's expression was from dislike of the woman who had made her hate of the Eights abundantly clear or if it was an indication of how badly Cally was dealing with the situation.
"She's not left her cabin," Athena finally replied.
"Anyone checked on her…and the kid?" At the other woman's shrug, "Someone needs to," Kara said.
"Certainly not me. I'm the last person she'd want to see."
"Someone should."
"Then you do it, Kara."
Silence but for the background murmur of Galactica's engines fell between them as thoughts of Cally and Galen inevitably led to ones of Sam. Kara didn't have to imagine how Cally felt: she'd had nearly a week now to come to terms with her own realization of what Anders was, and yet the knowledge still tasted sour on her tongue.
And then there was Nikki…
Her gaze strayed again to the cot.
"You know, Karl told me about Kacey." At Athena's words, Kara's head snapped around and her breath caught. The smaller woman gave a nod of satisfaction, and Kara realized that her reaction had undoubtedly confirmed her suspicions. Shame—and anger, its quick companion—flushed Kara's body with heat; it was all she could do to stay seated.
Denied escape, she instinctively struck out. "Helo needs keep his fat mouth shut."
"Hey, he's just concerned." Then at Kara's glare, "Quit with the hysterics, Starbuck. No one's buying them here," said Athena, her tone making it clear that she wasn't about to be intimidated or so easily distracted.
It was Kara's eyes that dropped first as she let out a slow breath with a hiss of frustration. They didn't understand. It wasn't like she could just change a lifetime of conditioned responses. All of them just expected her to open up—to talk.
And she frakkin' hated it!
"I know he cares," Kara grudgingly said. "I know, it's just…" trailing off, her gaze slid again to Hera's bed.
When it became clear that Kara wasn't going to continue, "Kacey's important to you," Athena prompted. At Kara's noncommittal shrug, Sharon's lips thinned, then she insisted, "Tell me why, Kara."
Abruptly, Kara surged to her feet. The urge to bull past Mathias where the Sergeant stood by the hatch moved Kara a step in that direction before she forced herself to stop. Instead, she turned to pace the few strides to the cabin's other side. With the flat grey of the metal wall before her, Kara's fists clenched as she fought down the feeling of dissolution that she was coming to recognize as a precursor to a flashback.
From behind her, "I swear, Starbuck, you bloody my wall, you're going to clean it up yourself," warned Athena.
Her voice snapped the last threat of the flashback and Kara felt her muscles loosen. But Sharon's words reminded her of another time. She twisted to face the Cylon.
"I did it last time," Kara brusquely said. Then at the confused look she got, she added, "Karl was a mess himself. He couldn't, so I cleaned your frakkin' wall." She saw the smaller woman stiffen with the realization that Kara was referring to when Sharon had forced her husband to shoot her so she could retrieve Hera. She and Karl had risked so much.
She's frakkin' crazier than me.
"You put the Fleet in danger, giving the Cylons your downloaded memories," she accused.
"I was pretty sure I could block certain things."
"Pretty sure?" Kara derisively said.
"Yes. And it worked."
"How do you know?"
Athena took a calming breath before answering. "Because there were blanks in my memory when I resurrected," she flatly replied as if that were proof enough.
Kara tilted her head, "And if you'd known you couldn't block them, then what? Would you still have done it," she harshly demanded.
"Yes," the answer came without hesitation and Kara stared incredulously at the other woman for a moment before ducking her head. When Sharon continued, "You think I shouldn't have. That it was better to leave my child to whatever they were doing to her than to take the chance,"
Glaring up at her from beneath hooded lashes, Kara ground out through a clenched jaw, "It was treason."
"The Admiral didn't think so."
Kara's gaze dropped again, and then she saw Athena's boots shift forward a pace.
"What's this about, Kara?" Sharon asked. "Why are you suddenly angry about what I did for Hera?" A long pause, then, "Asking about Cally and Nikki. Now Hera. This is all about Kacey," said Sharon, comprehension dawning in her voice.
Lifting her head, Kara wet her lips and finally spoke her shame. "I thought Kacey was mine. Leoben said…I believed…but the bastard lied." This time it was Athena whose eyes shifted to toy-strewn bed before coming back to meet Kara's with a new understanding in their brown depths.
"You loved her," a statement, but Kara jerked a nod in reply. "And you miss her," Sharon quietly added.
"A lie. All a frakkin' lie." She clasped her arms around herself. "I shouldn't…it's not like I've ever wanted—" she broke off, hunching her shoulders.
"But?"
Kara swallowed repeatedly, trying to loosen her throat enough to continue.
"Kacey was…" she faltered, then took a breath and pushed forward, "For nearly a month I had a kid. Yeah, Starbuck with a kid, imagine it." She gave a harsh laugh as her gaze fell, not wanting to see the disbelief and pity she was sure to find in the other's eyes. "I thought I had a daughter, and for those weeks I was almost…" she trailed off again.
"Almost what, Kara?" quietly Athena prodded. As Kara's eyes lifted, the darker pair widened slightly. "Almost…happy? Is that it?"
It was beyond her to respond, but Sharon seemed to read the answer in her silence. The petite woman moved to the cot and lifted a doll made of colored rag scraps. She stroked it for a moment before turning back to face her.
"I get it, Kara. These past months with Hera." Pausing, she hugged the doll. Then, "Learning she was alive, getting her back, being a family," a gentle smile curved her lips, "I didn't understand before, about love. Not really understand its depth. I do now," Sharon stated.
"Love had nothing to do with it."
"You loved that little girl. You protected her. Cared for her." Sharon stepped closer and offered Kara the doll. "There was nothing wrong in loving Kacey."
Glaring at the makeshift toy, all Kara could see was how tattered it appeared; a thing pieced together and patched, not a real doll at all. Just like Kacey could never be Kara's actual daughter—or she a decent mother. Her eyes rose and whatever Sharon saw in their depths this time caused the other woman to protectively withdrawal the proffered toy.
As Kara's lips turned up in a grim smirk, Athena frowned.
"You're such a coward." Green eyes flared at the repeated accusation, but Sharon wasn't done yet. "When it comes to feelings, you cut and run every time."
"Shut up," Kara warned, hands fisting as her arms dropped to her sides. "You don't know what the frak you're talking about."
"Really? Ask anyone that knows you then. Ask the Adamas," taunted Athena and Kara jerked as if slapped. The rising anger ebbed at the mention of Lee and the Old Man. Sharon's tone softened then, "Stop pushing people away, Kara. Stop hiding from your feelings."
"Like I need them," Kara bitterly said.
"Pretending doesn't make them cease to exist," Athena said. "They're still controlling you. Think about it. Why do all the things you do? All the reckless, self-destructive stunts?"
Kara's expression turned mulish as the whipsaw of anger and shame cut at her again.
What the frak she know. Bunch of circuits and programs.
As if she'd read Kara's thoughts, "A coward and stupid. You're a piece of work, Starbuck. You really are," goaded Athena, and then straightened as Kara moved menacingly forward. "Is this what you want? A fight? You know I can take y—" Athena broke off, ducking the wild swing Kara suddenly threw at her head.
Off-balance from her miss, Kara felt the Cylon woman slip behind her as arms snaked around her neck and throat. She struggled as the hold tightened, tipping her back and impairing her breathing. The flash of rage that had fueled her attack dwindled as the flow of blood and air to her brain was restricted by Athena's contracting muscles. Her attempts to break free grew feeble, and the edges of her vision had started to dim when she was abruptly released. She stumbled forward, nearly falling, but caught herself against the wall while gasping to fill air-starved lungs.
"That's enough!"
Athena's firm words brought Kara around, and she faced the Eight's cool look with a glare as she rubbed at her sore throat.
"You want a fight, I'm sure Karl, Lee, or even the Sergeant here," Athena twitched her chin towards where the Marine stood tensely watching, "would oblige you. But I'm not your punching bag. I don't like bruises and bloody noses, so we aren't doing this, Starbuck."
"You started it," said Kara sullenly, vaguely aware how childish she sounded.
"I did."
At Athena's admission, Kara's brows drew together in confusion.
"Then wha—"
Cutting her off, "You won't talk—or listen; not until you're forced to," Athena flatly said. "So, now you're going to tell me why Kacey has you knotted so tightly you're strangling." When Kara didn't immediately answer, Athena continued. "Some of it's clear: you can't stand that you fell for Leoben's lies, and that you came to care for Kacey—love her even. Also, from what I've heard of your mother-issues, suddenly finding yourself one would've stirred up any number of feelings, too, right?"
Athena's discerning gaze pinned Kara to the wall even as her words ripped away the cloak of anger Kara had used to cover the flayed emotions beneath. Didn't she get it? Physical hurt was preferable to this feeling of exposed nerves where every word caused an agony she didn't know how to endure. Yet here Sharon was expecting her to say something more when it was obvious she'd already told way too much!
Frak me.
Shifting from foot to foot, Kara's eyes met Athena's and slipped away again. Finally, with the accusations of cowardice echoing in her head, she wet her lips and forced herself to hold the other woman's gaze.
"I thought, what with Hera and what you did…" Kara hesitated, but as the dark-haired woman nodded, she tried to continue, "maybe you could…or just...frak, I don't know…" she trailed off.
"Maybe I even could help or understand or whatever, if you'd just tell me what happened," Sharon said, "Reading minds wasn't included in my programming, so you're going to have to give me a little more to go on here."
After giving the Eight a surly look, Kara finally capitulated. "D'Anna was going to use Kacey; she wanted me to be their talking head," Kara began, and then the words came swifter. "She said that the Colonials would listen to Starbuck; cooperate with the occupation if I got behind it. Pretty much said that if I wanted to keep Kacey, keep her safe, all I'd have to do was collaborate." Kara struggled to meet the darker pair of eyes as she continued. "I would've done it—would've agreed to do anything she wanted—but the next day Galactica came back." Now her gaze did drop. "Gaeta wasn't the one they should've airlocked."
"Gaeta's fine, they didn't—" Athena started.
Interrupting, "No, but I wanted them to. Wanted to hear him beg, to be the one to hit the button and blow his sorry ass into space," Kara grimly said, remembering the gnawing anger that had driven her to taunt and kick the kneeling man. It was clear now that her rage was fueled as much by her own self-condemnation as her actual belief in the Lieutenant's treason. "But it should have been me, instead."
"So you think, what, that you're a traitor because of something you might have been going to do?" demanded Sharon.
"I would have."
"You don't know that." At Kara's sneer, "Fine. Say you had acted as the Cylons' mouthpiece. So what," Athena dismissively said.
"What?"
"Seriously, what difference would it have made?"
Gapping at the other woman, Kara wondered how she could so blithely shrug off a confession of colluding with the enemy.
"It's treason. I—"
"No," raising a hand, Athena cutoff Kara's protest. "First, you didn't act as their figurehead. And even if you had decided to, there were extenuating circumstances."
"You a frakkin' lawyer now?"
"Just think about it, Kara." As the blonde opened her mouth, Athena didn't give her a chance to speak. "Think for a change. Or better yet, listen." Resentfully clamping her jaw shut, Kara waited. After letting a moment pass for emphasis, Athena continued. "Four months is a long time. Did you even know what was happening outside of the detention center?" Once Kara gave a reluctant shrug, "Well then, you couldn't know if Galactica and Pegasus had even survived the initial attack, let alone if the Admiral had any intention of attempting a rescue."
"I knew the Old Man wouldn't just run," Kara denied.
"Four months," Athena repeated. "Isolated…tortured. That's a long time to hold onto nothing but hope."
"Still…"
"And what if the Fleet hadn't come back? If it was decided that those on New Caprica were lost, most probably already dead?" Athena's words echoed the litany of doubts that had taken root in that apartment and the tendrils that had spread as the Occupation continued into weeks and then months. Leoben had certainly done what he could to encourage their growth, Kara bitterly thought as she remembered his frequent repetitions that the Colonial ships had been destroyed.
Some of her thoughts must have shown on her face, for Athena said, "Ask around. Ask those left behind and see how many had come to believe that they'd been abandoned for good."
"The Admiral came back," Kara protested—abet weakly now.
"Yes, he did," she agreed, "but it was a tough choice." At Kara's dubious look, Athena's voice hardened as she went on, "There were thousands of people still on the various ships within the Fleet. People who had as much right to the Battlestars' protection as those on New Caprica. By going back, Adama risked the future of the entire remnants of the human race. The tactical situation—and common sense—both came down on the side for a decision to go on instead of back." Athena paused, then continued, her tone softening some, "But you already know this, Kara. Tell me that you hadn't come to the same conclusion when D'Anna gave you her ultimatum?"
Kara's eyes slid away and then back before she snapped out, "It doesn't frakkin' matter."
"What makes you more angry, that Adama—both of them—left you behind in the first place…or that they actually came back?" At Athena's words, Kara's chin jerked up. But before she could respond, "By returning, they proved you wrong for giving up. Isn't that right? You think that you should have just blindly trusted that they'd find a way, devise a plan. And if only you'd been stronger, braver, you wouldn't have betrayed them by believing that there would be no rescue."
Harsh breathing that Kara distantly recognized as her own filled her ears as Athena's accusations coalesced with her own sense of shame. The noise in her head was so loud that at first she didn't hear the other woman continue.
"..is guilt, it's got you so twisted up that you can't even see that most of it's not even yours," stated Athena. "Regardless of what you think, not everything's your fault." As Kara stared her incomprehension, the other woman shook her head and said, "You're not getting this, are you." Then, "I'm not blaming you, Kara. The Admiral doesn't. Lee doesn't. The only one on this entire ship that does, is you."
"That's because they don't know," Kara ground out.
"It won't make a difference, not to people that know you." When Kara just shook her head in denial, Athena narrowed her eyes and said, "You think you're the only one wracked by their choices? How do you think the Admiral and Lee feel? They made the hard call to jump away. You know it was the right one, yet you can bet that it haunts them both. How many died in the months it took for them to come up with a plan with any chance of success? How many suffered—how much did you suffer while they were forced to impotently wait?" Her voice turned grim. "Oh yes, I'm sure that they still blame themselves for not finding a quicker solution."
"It's not the same."
"Sure it is," disagreed Athena. "You did what you could to protect those you were responsible for."
"No, I—"
Cutting her off, "Sorry, wrong answer, Kara," Athena said. Then, "Did you give them any of Galactica's codes—codes that would have been outdated anyways, a fact that you knew?"
"No, but—"
Again not letting her finish, "Contingency plans, then?" she suggested. As the blonde head gave a minuet shake, "Then what did you give the enemy? What are you guilty of?" Athena demanded. When sullen silence met her questions, "You did nothing to compromise Galactica, to compromise those on New Caprica. With no knowledge of the Admiral's status or plans, you decided to protect the only responsibility you had—Kacey."
"And to do that, I'd have sold out the Resistance."
"Would you have given them names?"
"Didn't know any," Kara admitted.
"Then what?" Athena asked. "You think that if you had spoken out against the guerrilla attacks, had advocated cooperation with the Occupation, that you would have made things worse?" Kara didn't bother to respond, the answer was obvious to her, so she was surprised again when Athena said, "Then you'd be wrong. The Resistance was ill-conceived from the beginning. The Cylons weren't regular invaders. With a Resurrection Ship in orbit, they never would've withdrawal due to too much loss of life. And if Galactica hadn't returned, if things had gone along as they were, Cavil and the others would have overruled those models that were promoting moderation. They'd have bombarded the human settlement from orbit and deemed the experiment in co-existence a failure." Now Athena tilted her head as she forced Kara to meet her gaze. "If Galactica hadn't returned, your decision to cooperate might have made the difference in the survival of every remaining human on the planet."
"Survival," Kara gave a harsh laugh, "under the Cylons, like that's a life worth living."
"Then why didn't you just snap Kacey's neck?" Kara's eyes widened in shock at Athena's words. "If you really believed that Galactica wouldn't return, that death was preferable to the Occupation, then why would you have agreed to D'Anna's demand?"
Kara's mind stuttered, unable to form a coherent answer to the contradiction the other woman suggested.
"Time, Kara," Athena said, not waiting for her response. "Maybe you would have bought time for the Admiral to return. Maybe time for the Cylons to grow bored and move on. Who knows what might have happened, but with time there are possibilities." Athena shrugged. "And besides, it never happened, so don't you think it's about time to let this guilt go and get on with more important things."
Rubbing her temples with stiff fingertips, Kara tried to make sense of this different perspective. She couldn't say she agreed with Athena's take on the Resistance, it being so at-odds with her ingrained urge to fight until she couldn't, but she also found it difficult to find holes in her arguments. Could Athena be correct that even if Kara had caved to D'Anna's plans, it wouldn't have been the betrayal she had thought?
She still doubted that the Old Man would have had the same take on it as Athena, but…
With a grimace, she considered all Sharon had said. Really, it hardly mattered if she was right or not about Kara's crimes, she'd made her point that Kara had other things of greater consequence to do than get diverted by past actions. Hadn't she had managed to function with Zak's death on her soul? What were a few more checks in the red when finding Earth was at stake. Yet, even as she thought this, her stomach still churned with a mixture of anger and shame.
"Say you're right," Kara quickly frowned as Athena arched a brow. "It's not like I can just hit erase. You're the one with programming, not me."
"Really? I'd say your parents did some pretty extensive programming," countered Athena. Kara abruptly paled, and as her breath caught in her throat, it was apparent that the Eight knew she'd gone too far, for she quickly added, "I just meant that, of course it's not easy to change how we think, what we feel. But it can be done." And Kara clearly heard the inference that if Athena could choose to ignore her programming, then Kara was expected to at least try to do the same.
Kara's gaze shifted away.
This was why she hated to talk: too much was brought up that she'd rather just leave buried. Yet she found herself grudgingly accepting that at least some of what Athena had put forth made a twisted sort of sense.
"Kara?" The tentative way it was said make her look back at Athena. "What did they do to you this time?"
And there it was: suspicion cloaked in concern, distrust masked by worry. They all thought the Cylons had frakked with her head again. Not that she could really blame them, not with the mess she'd been after New Caprica. But their skepticism still hurt. The worst of it was that Kara knew that she somehow had to convince them she had actually found Earth and, if given the chance, she could again.
Realizing that her erratic moods made it that much more difficult for them to believe in her, she decided that the first step was to get a handle on her flaring emotions. Through a conscious choice, Kara relinquished the anger stirred by Athena's wariness.
With a level gaze she met the darker pair of eyes.
"Nothing," she calmly answered. At Athena's dubious expression, Kara added, "I don't think they knew what to do with me." She shrugged. "Look, you're right. I've things to do and they aren't getting done here." She started toward the hatch, but paused and haltingly started, "I just...um, l wanted..." but trailed off.
"You're welcome."
Without turning, Kara nodded, relieved that Athena had understood the gratitude Kara still had trouble expressing.
Sergeant Mathias followed her out and nearly tread on her heels when Kara abruptly stopped before a hatch two down from the Agathons.
"Cally?" called out Kara as she gave the metal door a quick double-rap. When no response came after a few seconds, she tried again, "Hey, Cally, it's Starbuck," and banged a little harder. Silence again answered her. A glance at the Marine drew an unhelpful shrug, so Kara resumed her course towards CIC where she hoped to corral the Admiral into listening—really listening—to her this time.
Earth was out there.
All Kara needed was a little help finding it.
And wasn't it the Old Man that had said she needed to learn to ask for help?!
It was time to hold him to that.
Author's Notes: Sorry it's taken so long to get this chapter done. It just kept twisting on me. Delaying things further, my computer crashed. Fortunately, I had backed up most everything and didn't lose any of the story. I still had to wait for a new computer before I could finish this chapter and get it posted. My hope is to get the next one posted within a couple of weeks. It's likely to be shorter, and I'd originally planned on it being part of this chapter, but that's not how things worked out. Thanks again for those of you that have continued to follow along. And comments are always welcome!