Chapter 135 Push Me, Pull You
As Kara's furious stride carried her away from the Admiral's cabin, she ground her teeth in frustration. She'd thought—been certain really—that the Old Man would agree to backing her mission now that he'd had time to consider that the payoff was Earth.
One frakkin' Raptor! Not like I was asking to jump the whole Fleet!
With her head down, she didn't notice how those in the corridor hastily stepped aside to clear her path. Nor would she have cared, so caught up in the conflicting signals she'd gotten from Adama. His apology for hitting her had been unexpected—though, she shouldn't have been too surprised, she thought. Hadn't her mother sometimes said she was sorry afterwards, too?
Kara's steps abruptly faltered to a halt as she realized something: her mother's apologies had only come on those occasions that had necessitated a trip to a doctor or the hospital. The majority of the time, all the slaps and cuffs had been followed up by harsh words, proclamations that she'd only gotten what she'd deserved. Kara slowly frowned. Why then had the Old Man felt the need to apologize? He'd seemed genuinely upset over the blow. Didn't he know that she'd regularly had worse just from sparring in the gym?
She touched her sore lip, still perplexed why he'd even bothered. Sure, there were regulations against striking other Service personnel—and if anyone should know that, it was Starbuck—yet it wasn't like there was anyone to report him to, even if she had been so inclined.
She gave a brief headshake. It didn't matter.
Apologies wouldn't get them any closer to Earth.
For that she needed a Raptor, and whatever contrition the Admiral had felt hadn't been enough to secure her one. Or even a measure of trust, Kara thought as she lifted her head and noticed Mathias in her peripheral vision. The urge to turn on the Marine and tell her to 'Frak-the-hell-off!' roiled upwards from her chest, and Kara had to clamp her jaw shut to keep the words locked inside. She reminded herself that the Admiral and President didn't trust her because they thought she was frakked in the head again. An outburst now wouldn't exactly help her case.
Turning slightly to avoid having to see her guard, Kara muttered an oath. How the frak was she supposed to prove she hadn't 'lost it' again, hadn't hallucinated the whole mandala and Earth thing? Everyone knew how difficult it was to prove a negative…and yet Kara knew that she'd have to find a way.
She debated her options.
With her hopes dashed that the Admiral had reconsidered her request in light of the revelation of Saul and the others, whom else could she enlist on her side? The image of Roslin, perched uncertainly on the edge of the bed in sickbay, came to mind. Was it worth another go at convincing the woman?
As the memory of the President's questions about the four unaccounted for days, and her later inquiry about Kacey, flashed to mind, Kara felt lightheaded and uncomfortable. Last thing she wanted was to face another confrontation with Laura. She didn't have any more explanation now than she'd had before. And until she could resolve the missing time, she didn't think Roslin would be willing to support her taking a Raptor and heading off again alone.
And as for Kacey…
Thoughts of the little girl no longer brought the same sharp guilt that it had before her earlier talk with Athena, and Kara had the sudden urge to see the child again. She uneasily wondered if Kacey had missed her or—more likely—forgotten her in the long weeks she'd been gone. Kara's stomach twisted at the thought. It was with hesitant steps that she again started off along the corridor. Then she silently chided herself for caring; the kid would or wouldn't remember her. She'd deal either way. Picking up the pace, she turned right at the next junction only to stumble back as she collided with another person. A hand quickly grasped her elbow, steadying her, and Kara looked up into blue eyes.
"Hey, take it easy there, Kara," Lee said, his startled expression shifting to one difficult to read as he released her. Face-to-face with him so unexpectedly, Kara found herself at a loss for words. Lee's gaze flitted over her shoulder to where Mathias, rounding the corner on Kara's heels, had moved a discreet distance away to lean against a bulkhead. His gaze returned to Kara's as he asked, "You already spoke with Dad?"
His question stirred her prior frustration and Kara took a half-step back before replying.
"Yeah. Not that it did a lot of frakkin' good."
"What?"
"He still won't sign off on a Raptor," she explained. Then her irritation shifting to Lee at his continued look of confusion. "Earth, Lee," she huffed with an indignant wave of her hand. "I just need a chance to go back. I can find it again. I know I can."
As understanding crossed his face, he shoved both hands into his pants pockets and looked away.
Frowning at his response, "What?" she demanded.
"Kara, I just…" he trailed off, but his eyes came back to meet hers and Kara saw the worry in the crease of his brow. After a stilted moment, "You just got back," he said as if that were explanation enough.
"So?"
His eyebrows lowered as a muscle ticked in his cheek. She saw the effort it took for him to take a breath and loosen his jaw enough to answer.
"So, Kara? So, we just got—," he was interrupted as HotDog came around the corner, bumping Kara's shoulder as the younger pilot swerved to avoid slamming into her.
"Uh, s-s-sorry, Starbuck," Costanza stammered, his face reddening as the two officers glared at him. He gave them a quick nod and hurried on, not daring to look back.
Hearing Lee mutter a low curse, Kara swung back to face him.
"Look, I've got my report to give the Admiral, then I'm free," he said. "Can we talk after? Somewhere private?"
The mention of his report reminded Kara that Lee was supposed to finished interrogating the prisoners and make a recommendation concerning the idea of an alliance. Curiosity over his results warred with anger at the Admiral's continued dismissal of her claim to having found Earth.
Curiosity finally won out.
Ignoring his request to talk, "You think the Cylons' offer is legit?" she warily asked.
Lee's eyes narrowed as he replied, "I do…but this isn't the place to discuss it. After?" At her grudging nod, "Where you off to?" he asked. "I'll come find you."
She hesitated. Did she really want to explain why she was going to the refugee camp? But then, on seeing doubt and worry shade Lee's eyes, "Camp Oilslick," she reluctantly answered, and watched his expression clear. At his small nod of understanding, some of her tension eased.
"As soon as I'm done then," he said, and it was Kara's turn to nod.
Lee moved past her with a lingering glance over his shoulder.
Only after he'd rounded the corner out of sight, did Kara manage to twist her head away and resume her prior course.
Sometime later, after having received an excited 'Kawa!' and big hug from Kacey, she sat now on Julia Brynn's cot, a worn children's book held in one hand and read to the little girl on her lap. As she flipped the last page closed, she was surprised to find that Kacey had fallen asleep in her arms. Recalling her flashback—vision?— while in sickbay, Kara lowered her head to the unruly curls and apprehensively sniffed. This time all she smelled was the familiar scent of Galactica's standard-issue soap. Both reassured and yet strangely disturbed at the difference, she tightened her hold around the sleeping form.
"Here, I'll put her down," Julia offered, and Kara looked up to find the other woman standing before them.
She swallowed an automatic protest, not ready to surrender the warm body curled so trustingly against her own. Her arms ached in protest as she forced herself to relinquish the child, grudgingly letting Kacey's real mother carefully gathered the girl into her own arms. After watching Julia settle her daughter onto the second cot and tenderly cover her with an olive-green blanket, Kara looked away. Would she always feel this sense of loss? Athena's words about loving Kacey came to mind then. It was useless to pretend that it wasn't true. Useless to pretend that those weeks caring for the little girl hadn't changed her, hadn't dredged up a longing that Kara had never expected to feel.
As her bleak gaze wandered across the crowded hold, it was abruptly halted by a familiar figure.
Kara caught her breath as she met Lee's eyes and recalled a long-ago discussion about bright and shiny futures. She'd been resigned then to a short and violent end…and absolutely certain that the last thing she wanted was the burden of a kid. Yet, as their gaze met through the milling refugees, the desire to have a family together ambushed her heart.
When I find Earth, then maybe—
The thought was abruptly cutoff, the sprig of a brighter future snapping as she recalled Simon's revelation about radiation-induced sterility. Even if she found a place where the Colonials could settle, there would be no children in any home she built.
The whipsaw between an unlooked for hope and the bitter truth clawed at her throat and Kara had to turn away from Lee's gaze before she could take a shuddering breath.
Her distress must have been visible to Julia, for the woman worriedly asked, "Is there something wrong?"
Pasting a tight smile on her face, "Gotta go," Kara managed, then stood and took a course through the aisles of cots in the opposite direct from where Lee waited.
She fled the refugee camp through the far hatch and took the first side corridor she came to, mindless of where it led, responding to the need to put as much distance between herself and the source of this unexpected pain.
Coming to a dead-end, she spit out a curse and retraced her steps.
She had just passed the last junction when she heard Lee call out from behind her. "Kara, wait!"
The urge to ignore him and bolt prompted another surge of adrenalin, priming her in preparation for escape. Only the knowledge that he would see her flight as a rejection locked her feet to the corridor's plating. She couldn't do that to him. Not his fault she'd got some stupid-assed notion in her head, she derisively thought.
Forcing herself to turn, she saw Lee come to a halt some ten feet away, confusion and hesitancy in the tilt of his head as he gave her a questioning look. Her eyes flicked over his shoulder as Sergeant Mathias appeared in the corridor beyond him. The Marine glanced between the two and moved a distance down the narrow hallway.
As Kara's gaze slid back to his, Lee demanded, "What the hell, Kara?"
Unsure of how to explain, her gaze dropped.
He waited, but when she didn't answer, "What was that about?" At her continued silence, frustration deepened his voice as he asked, "I thought we were going to talk?!"
"About what, Lee?" she finally responded, her gaze lifting to challenge his.
He stalked to within a foot's proximity, invading her personal space. Kara was acutely aware of his harsh breathing.
"About what?" he incredulously huffed. "How about what happened to you these past weeks? How about explaining where'd you get the cut lip and bruised cheek. Or, let me think…oh yeah, maybe why the hell you saw me and bugged out in the opposite direction!"Leaning even closer, he snapped out, "Yeah, how about we start there, Kara."
She forced herself to hold steady beneath the onslaught. It was difficult though; part of her wanted to shove him away, yell that is was none of his frakking business; while the cowardly part, the side of her that responded with avoidance, urged her to just walk away again, to escape the emotional mess that was she and Lee. She balanced on an axis, seeking an alternative to her usual frak, fight or flight response to him.
Discerning her internal conflict, Lee's tight expression softened. He raised a hand to slowly run a finger along her tensed jaw and she blinked in surprise at the gentle touch. Swallowing, she tried to interpret this shift from anger to concern.
"Talk to me, Kara."
At the pleading note in his voice, she opened her mouth to try…but again was at a loss how to put into words the glimpse she'd had of them as a family. Instead, she worried her bottom lip and heard Lee sigh as his hand fell to his side. He took a step back, and Kara's gaze once more met Mathias' over his shoulder. She saw the other woman's frown before the Sergeant quickly wiped it away.
With the reminder that they weren't alone, Kara muttered, "Not here," and saw Lee's eyes became cautiously hopeful.
"I still need to get my kit from quarters."
At Lee's reminder that he'd given up his cabin for her use, Kara lips thinned. It bothered her that he had…and that there'd been the need in the first place. The Sergeant's presence still rankled, a constant proof of the Admiral's distrust. Why the hell couldn't the Admiral just believe her? Surely with the Colonel's confession, the Old Man had to know the rest of her story was true, too. So why couldn't things to be the way they were before!? She made a face, so frakkin' sick of being treated like unexploded ordinance, primed to go off at the slightest bump.
None of them seemed to get it. This wasn't about her; it was about finding a new home, about finally being able to stop running.
It's about locating Earth. Didn't they frakkin' understand that?!
As determination replaced the paralysis induced by her chaotic emotions, Kara straightened her shoulders and, without a word, turned to lead the way back to her new quarters. She'd realized that she needed Lee, needed him on her side to find the mandala, and thus Earth. And if that meant answering a few of his questions…then she'd suck it up and do so.
With the Sergeant left standing guard outside the closed hatch, Kara crossed to the unmade bunk and perched on the edge, meeting Lee's eyes where he stood just inside the cabin threshold regarding her with a quizzical expression.
"So…what do you wanna know, Lee?"
She saw his eyes widen and could tell that she had surprised him with the offer. With an effort she held his gaze, and after realizing that she'd crossed her arms defensively, forced them back to her side, palms pressing into the thin mattress instead as she waited.
There was a long moment of silence as Lee studied her. Then her eyes narrowed as he abruptly turned and moved to the room's locker; the screech of metal grating on her nerves as he opened it. When the contents seemed to unduly hold his attention, Kara grew impatient, unsure how to take this response. Wasn't this what he wanted, answers from her?
She fidgeted, about to demand what his problem was, when, without looking back at her, he finally spoke. "Who hit you, Kara?"
The neutrally voiced question wasn't what she'd been expecting. Seeing no reason to lie, "The Old Man," she replied, and saw Lee's back twitch at her answer.
"Why?" Hearing the underlying strain in his tone, her eyebrows rose in confusion.
She shrugged a response. Then realizing that with his back still to her, Lee couldn't have seen it, glibly said, "Guess he didn't like what I had to say about the Colonel."
"He hit you…because you told him Saul Tigh was a Cylon?"
"Guess so," her clipped reply coming as she wished Lee would turn the hell around so she could get some sense of what he was thinking. As his hand gripped the top of the locker door, knuckles whiting against the metal, she cautiously stood. "Doesn't matter, Lee," she said, puzzled by the renewed anger she sensed coming from him. The Admiral had to know about the Cylons in the Fleet. She'd had to tell him. Surely Lee knew that? This wasn't her fault. It wasn't like she'd frakking made the XO a Cylon!
When Lee twisted to face her, she studied him, searching his face for every nuance, trying to pin down how she'd upset him now.
"He hit you, and it damn well does matter, Kara."
Relief flooded her at the realization that his fury wasn't directed at her after all. Then the confusion returned as, with a grimace, she became aware of how closely this conversation was mirroring the Admiral's apology. She didn't understand why either man was so adamant about such a small thing; it had only been a slap. Wasn't like the Old Man had beaten her or anything.
She gazed at him steadily, noting how Lee's head bow briefly before he took a breath and leaned against the metal cabinet.
"And the Cylons," he prompted, "they hurt you, too?"
Grateful for the change of his focus, "No," she quickly answered, then at his skeptical look, added, "They didn't do anything. Kept me locked up." She gave a dismissive shrug. "Nothing happened."
"And Leoben?"
Kara hesitated now, not wanting to discuss the Two when her own reactions…on the Heavy Raider—and to the male Cylon in general—were such a tumultuous mess in her head. Lifting a hand, she rubbed at her temple, wondering how to convince Lee to drop the subject. As he shifted and strode to stand before her, Kara grimly realized that he wasn't about to let her evade this question.
"What'd the bastard do to you, Kara?"
"Nothing!" she repeated, and started to spin away, but Lee's hands closing on her elbows held her in place. Resisting the urge to yank free, Kara instead met his concerned gaze and sought a way to answer his demand. "He didn't. He was a perfect gentleman," she drawled, then snorted at the irritating paradox of Leoben's courteous manner to his obsessive behavior.
"Then why kill him, Kara?" As her gaze fell, his voice turned sour. "Oh, that's right, Sam shot him." Kara's jaw clenched as her eyes came back to meet his intense blue glare. He waited, but when she didn't respond, his voice pitched up as he demanded, "Why Sam? Why not do it yourself, Kara?"
She tried to return his glare with a matching one of her own. The effort was futile, though, as with self-loathing she acknowledged the reason she'd spared Leoben. She'd recognized the male Cylon's remorse…and it's familiarity had fed into something she'd felt for him in return. In that moment she had been incapable of putting him down permanently. Now, it just seemed further proof of how deep the taint he'd left her with went.
When Lee's grip on her arms tightened, and he mockingly said, "Since when does the mighty Starbuck let someone else fight her battles?" the weight of his taunt further tightened the fierce ache in her throat and a spasm in her chest increased. She was choking. White noise filled her head. As her breathing turned ragged, Lee's hands eased and shifted to her shoulders.
He gave her a gentle shake.
"Just tell me why, Kara."
"BECAUSE I FRAKKIN' COULDN'T!"
As she realized what she'd revealed with the shouted confession, her eyes widened. Shame rolled through her. Lee would know. He would finally see the corruption Leoben had maneuvered past her defenses on New Caprica; a rot that had spread within her. Sure, she had hated Leoben, still did, and yet… The memory of standing over his bleeding form and seeing an anguish in his eyes that had nothing to do with his mangled leg flashed to mind. What she'd felt then—she shied away from naming it—but it had thrown her back to the faux-apartment and her forced declaration of love. How many times in the months since returning to Galactica had she'd told herself that they were just words, merely an act to fool the Cylon and nothing more? Yet on the raider when she'd lifted the sights of the gun to Leoben's pain-twisted features, she'd felt the fissure in her emotions…and had been unable to pull the trigger.
No wonder the Admiral and President doubted her. The decay that eroded the underpinnings of her emotions must be obvious to them. She sneered at herself at the realization that the Admiral probably had sensed it that day in the rec room, discerned the pernicious cancer Leoben had sown in her psyche.
And despite his later attempts to retract the words, Adama been right.
Her mother had been right.
Leoben had made it so.
Even now she could still feel the Two's contamination oozing through her thoughts.
The weight of eyes on her forced her reluctant gaze to Lee's. Expecting to see condemnation in their depths, Kara was surprised by the compassion she glimpsed instead. His hand rose to gently cup her bruised cheek.
"Hey, Kara. Look, it's Ok," he said. "He's dead. That's what counts."
Pulling from his grasp then, abruptly afraid that she might somehow pass this infection on, Kara shook her head. She had to warn him, make Lee understand that he should keep his distance.
"I didn't want him dead," she said bluntly, and watched the disbelief widened his eyes.
"I don't—"
"No, Lee, you don't, and that's just it. You don't understand."
"Well, then make me, Kara! Explain it to me!" he said, voice roughening with exasperation. "After all he did to you, how can you not…" he trailed off then, blinking before closing his mouth.
Misreading the reason for his abrupt silence, Kara twisted away and crossed the cabin, desperate to flee the revulsion she was sure was to come next. Her hand had just closed on the wheel when Lee's palm slapped against the hatch beside her head.
"Oh no, Kara. You're not running. Not this time"
Spinning to find him practically on top of her, Kara tried to access the ready anger. All she found now was fear. She'd barely managed to survive Lee's antipathy before: first after the debacle with Baltar and again after her rescue from New Caprica. Yet she knew that this time was different. This time she would come apart. His judgment, now that he'd learned that she actually had felt something for her Cylon captor, would shatter her completely.
The realization that her emotions had betrayed her, that there was a part of her that actually cared whether the Two lived or died, ate at her. Made her feel dirty.
Kara struck out then, palms on Lee's chest, thrusting him away before she'd even known that she'd intended to move. Her harsh breathing filled the narrow gap she'd created between them. She scrubbed her hands along her pants before crossing them in front, thoughts of leaving forgotten in her need to protect Lee from getting too close.
His startled expression took a moment to clear, and he retreated another step, seemingly satisfied that he'd prevented her flight and willing now to give her space. Though he didn't say anything, his silence was expectant as he seemed willing to wait her out.
Unwilling to meet his probing look, Kara's gaze skittered away, settling on the coffee table propped against the side wall and the two stacked footstools beside it. Had only been hours ago that she had moved the furniture from in front of the small couch? Just to increase the openness of the private cabin, she'd told herself last night before crashing for some much needed sleep. Now she wondered if the compulsion for a more utilitarian look was because of the unease she'd felt at how 'homey' the room had appeared. No, she'd just wanted to change things up. Lessen the reminder that Lee and Dee had shared these quarters.
It had nothing, she insisted now, nothing at all to do with memories of a certain apartment cell on New Caprica. Nothing to do with a certain Cylon.
Forcing her gaze from the offending furniture, her eyes shifted back to Lee. His gaze wasn't on her now, fixed instead on a point to her left. He was waiting. Waiting to see what she did next. Tightening her arms around herself, Kara realized that she couldn't run. He was right in that at least. There was nowhere far enough away to escape her own memories. And besides, she needed Lee, needed him on her side.
Frakkin' chance of that now, she thought with an internal scoff; she'd probably ruined any likelihood of gaining his support. Actually, she was certain of it if he'd understood what her confession meant.
Well, she couldn't leave.
Best to get through this then. Be vague. Maybe she could distract him, get away without revealing—further proving—exactly how messed up the Cylons had left one Kara Thrace.
Reluctantly she crossed the short distance and sat, pressing herself into the far corner of the couch. With a defiant tilt to her head, she lifted her gaze. Her eyes narrowed then as she considered Lee. He had moved to lean against the brushed-metal table; an attempt on his part to appear relaxed belied by his white-knuckled grip on the table's edge.
When he finally broke the stillness, Lee's voice was cautiously neutral. "Prisoners have been known to grow attached to their guards." A pause. "Is that what this is about, Kara?"
She wet her lips. Of course she'd had heard of situations where hostages had bonded with their captors, yet the idea had always seemed ludicrous to Kara. With a mental sneer she admitted that maybe—maybe—some airbrained debutante might be deluded into thinking herself in love with one of those 'bad boy' types, but if Lee was suggesting that her own conflicted responses to Leoben were the same thing, then he was the one that was seriously frakked in the head!
"You're joking, right?" Jerking her chin up. "You think that I give a shit about some frakkin' Two?"
"You tell me, Kara," said Lee. "Why didn't you kill him when you had the chance?" his tone challenging. "Certainly wasn't to protect some mission. And you damned well weren't trying to protect the Cylon delegation." He paused then to run a hand up over his face, obviously trying to curb his frustration. After taking a breath, he continued in a calmer tone, "Sam said it was you that shot Leoben in the first place; and then you…what, Kara…gave Sam the gun to finish him off?"
"It wasn't like that," she muttered, shifting beneath his dubious regard.
"Then how was it?"
As her silence stretched, Lee abandoned his casual pose and straightened. "You know what I think," continuing then without checking whether she wanted to know or not, "I think that Leoben knew exactly what he was doing on New Caprica. He controlled every facet of your daily life, Kara. Had authority over your most basic needs: food, shelter…safety." As her gaze wavered, a minute shudder moved through Lee's body and he took an instinctive step towards her, halting when she stiffened. With a grimace, he said, "That kind of forced dependence…yeah, it's frakked up." He waved a hand, agitation roughening his tone again as he said, "Gods, Kara, it'd be a wonder if you didn't feel a connection with him."
"Bullshit." Her voice harsh.
Ignoring her dismissal, Lee relentlessly pressed on, "You said it yourself, Leoben portrayed himself as your protector…your guide…right?" Not pausing for an answer. "And then there's Kacey. Knowing your history, he brought in a kid, calculating that you'd feel protective of her. He deliberately fostered your reliance on him. If not for yourself, than for Kacey's sake."
"No." Her denial sounded weak to her own ears.
He waited, but when she didn't add anything more, "In War College, we covered a whole course on interrogation techniques," he grimly stated. "Both how to use and resist them. Some of the things they described—," Now it was Lee's turn to look away as he broke off, swiping a hand across his mouth. He swallowed several times before continuing, "When I think of what you went through...," His gaze swept the room before coming back to hers. "Thing is, everything Leoben did was intended to create a rapport between you two. He set out to manipulate your emotions." Adding careful emphasis, "It's not your fault, Kara, if you felt something for him," he said.
"Felt?" she jeered. "What I felt for the bastard was hate, Lee."
"And it's possible to hate someone and still have other feelings." His words were a sharp reminder of their own history, filled as it was with the sawing back and forth over that line that separated the two extremes.
Lee moved to take a spot on the other end of the couch, eyes focusing on a point across the cabin instead of her now. She was grateful that he held his distance. But when he spoke again, his next words disconcerted her.
"You know, Kara, I read debrief on your return to Caprica, and spoke with Helo, too." Her breath stilled as she wondered where Lee was going with this. The feeling of unease deepened as his tone turned hesitant. "Helo told me…he told me about the Farms…and what you had to do," As the memory of Sue-Shaun threatened to blur her vision, she blinked repeatedly as Lee went on. "…about your pact with Anders. How you made him promise not to let you be taken alive again. I've also read Athena's report that the Cylons had made plans to try matching humans up with some of the models. Try to recreate what she and Helo have." He turned slightly to face her, sympathetic eyes seeking hers. "New Caprica must have felt like the Farm all over again."
His words brought it all back in a rush.
Women strapped down—Violated by the tubes and wires of machines.
A rescue mission gone to shit—Pinned down in a bunker , Sharon stating that the Cylons would use gas…would take prisoners.
The detention center on New Caprica—Leoben coming to take her to his 'special place' .
She was drowning in the memories, gasping for air. A touch on her arm stalled the spiral of panic. Still, Kara instinctively knocked the hand aside as she tried to fight free of the suffocating images.
"Gods, Kara, I'm sorry! I didn't think…,"
As if from a distance, she heard Lee's mortified apology trail off. She fought to slow her breathing, and then, with a wrench, the cabin steadied around her. Despite the sweat that glued her tanks to her back, Kara shivered in the aftermath of the flashback. Her head had begun to pound, too, and her throat ached.
She took another measured breath and waited for the rush of adrenalin to fade.
She hated this.
She had been strong before. Had relied on herself. Now her own mind was her worst enemy; her memories a minefield primed to blow her back into a hellish past.
Kara pressed the heels of her hands against her closed eyes, wishing desperately to go back to a time when war was a simple thing. Sight and fire. One more Cylon raider blown back to whatever frakking assemble line it had come from. Leoben had it wrong. She wasn't meant for this. This destiny crap was the President's thing.
Opening her eyes, Kara realized that she'd defensively pulled her knees to her chest. Forcing herself to unclench, she lowered her legs and scrubbed clammy palms along the material of her cargo pants.
As the cushion beside her shifted slightly, she realized that Lee was close. She could feel his regard. His concern rolling off him in palpable waves.
She let her eyes slide to the side to meet his stricken blue ones.
"Forget it," her voice scratchy, but steady now.
"I can't, Kara." Lee lifted his hand to reach out to her, but at her flinch, let it fall to rest in the space between them. His sigh sounded overly loud as he considered her, then said, "Forgetting's not working for you, either. You've got to face this." At her scornful glance, he ran a hand through his hair, eyes darting away and back. "Look, Kara. It's not like I've a psych degree here, but hell, I don't need one to see you're beating yourself up for something that isn't your fault. This was done to you. To you, Kara. And understanding why you feel this way has to help, right?"
She wanted to scoff at him, dismiss what he was saying. But this was Lee. And his lack of condemnation confused her, allowed his words a foothold against her self-loathing. So she grudgingly scrutinized her time with Leoben on New Caprica. Anger and fear had alternately filled her initial couple of months trapped in the apartment, with rage taking center stage in her repeated attacks on her jailor. Yet the fear had always been hovering there in the wings. Lee was right that she had been totally at the Cylon's mercy. A subject to his whims. And despite the Two's assurances, the dread had been a constant with each invitation he made that this time, this night, Leoben would finally tire of her refusals and force her into his bed.
And, though she had tried not to think about it, there had always been an underlying fear that he'd lied about the Cylons having a Farm on New Caprica. Neither D'Anna nor the Six had ever hinted at its existence, and Kara even recalled a fuzzy memory of Simon once trying to reassure her that he wouldn't be doing any reproductive procedures. Regardless, for those months she had been forced to live with the barely suppressed terror that if she pushed Leoben's patience too far, she'd one day meet the same fate as Sue-Shaun.
Later during her captivity—after her emergence from the catatonic state—Kara had reached a point where she'd been ready for it all to just end. Her failed attempt at slitting her wrists hadn't been some cry for help. She'd been done. Sick of trying to hold on any longer. When she had finally accepted that the Fleet wasn't coming back for those left behind—for her—the weight of all the fear and pain had dissolved into unbearable despair.
Leoben might have thwarted her first try, but Kara had made a oath that, at least in this, she'd take back control of her life…even if it was with the choice of her own death.
Kacey's accident had changed all that.
Praying for the little girl's survival and feeling the joy, the lifting of overwhelming guilt, when the child had finally awoken, it had given her a renewed sense of purpose. A reason to live as Helo had once put it. So much so that in that last month together with Kacey and Leoben, Kara had suppressed the urge to kill the Two. Had, in fact, even sought to placate him, determined to do whatever it took to protect her 'daughter'.
Leoben hadn't demanded anything more than civility from her.
Not, at least, until it came time to take Kasey with her back to the fleet.
Kara closed her eyes, but that just intensified the memory.
His lips on hers.
His mouth demanding she match his hunger.
A shudder swept through her then as Kara faced the truth. The kiss had meant nothing. It was the words Leoben had forced past her lips that had damned her.
Now she wondered when in those weeks Leoben had induced this pitiable yearning for the pseudo-family the three of them had formed. A worse thought then occurred to her. Was that where this crazy new fantasy of Lee and her with a child had come from? Her gut clenched at the idea that she might have once again confused Apollo with the Cylon male.
Fighting down bile, she realized that Lee was right: that Leoben had played her; that he had probably just been continuing his mind games on the basestar and later on the heavy raider. Likely, the Two's haunted expression she'd taken as remorse had been an act, too. He'd goaded her to shoot him. In that moment she'd actually thought he was seeking a form of absolution for his sins. She'd fallen for it. A frakking idiot to once again have bought into his hyperbole.
Gods, how stupid can I get!?
What other explanation could there be for why hadn't she shot him when she'd had the perfect opportunity? The bastard had warped her thoughts, her emotions. He'd frakked her up…in more ways than one.
"Kara?"
As Lee's voice pulled her from the bitter reflections, she pushed all that away. Reluctantly meeting his gaze, Kara was relieved to see none of the revulsion she'd expected. She thought she glimpsed pity in his eyes, though, before he cleared his expression. It her teeth on edge; she didn't want that from him either.
"It doesn't matter," she said through gritted teeth. "Doesn't matter who shot him, Lee. The frakker's finally dead."
"Leoben may be gone," agreed Lee, then neutrally added, "but there are other Two's."
Her breath hitched as the reality of what he'd said struck home.
She'd actually forgotten.
There were many copies.
Except...
"No," she murmured. From the corner of her eye, she saw Lee raise an eyebrow. At his questioning look, she sought to explain, "Other copies, yeah, but none of them…none of them Leoben." In her mind she replayed something the Cylon male had told her on the raider. "They can only share memories when one of them dies…dies and downloads. And even then it's a choice. Have to jack-in to access them or something. And Leoben said—" she faltered, abruptly uncertain. Had the Two lied again? With a shake of the head she shook off the momentary doubt. She had come to believe Leoben, at least on this one point, so she continued. "He said that he'd kept his downloads separate. Said that the other Twos had agreed to leave me to him…and Leoben swore that they weren't privy to the details of what had happened on New Caprica."
"You believed him?"
She barked a harsh laugh, but then followed with a half-shrug and admitted, "Not at first. Leoben insisted that the others only knew what little he'd told them. He showed me a cartridge. Said it contained every download of his from New Caprica. Claimed that he'd had a Six hold onto it between times—for safekeeping."
"Why? Why exclude the others?" Lee frowned, but then his eyes narrowed and his lips turned up in a grim smile. "He was jealous. Didn't want to share those memories—share you—with the others."
Kara's her fingers fidgeted with the hem of her tanktop. She'd guessed the same thing when she'd pressed Leoben for an explanation…and his refusal to answer had been the reason why she was willing to accept what he'd said about the downloads as truth. Jealousy. The desire to have something just for yourself. That at least was something she could relate to.
"He had the tape on the raider with us."
"So…if he was telling the truth…none of the other Twos…" Lee trailed off, probably considering what that meant for Kara and any future interactions she had with the surviving copies.
Following his course of thought, she wasn't surprised when he gave her a searching look as he carefully said, "If the tape was with him, then it's onboard Galactica now. We can find and destroy it." He'd left unspoken that with the download gone then the Leoben that had so twisted her up would also be gone…permanently.
An ache she didn't want to acknowledge kept her response to a jerky nod.
Lee's appraising gaze lingered before he took a breath and ran a hand along his jaw. His expression was unreadable now, and Kara's eyes slid away as she tried to come to terms with him knowing the turmoil she felt over the Cylon male.
"And Sam?"
The words were so quietly spoken that Kara wasn't sure if she'd heard right as she twisted to face the man at her side. Seeing that he'd crossed his arms and was giving her an expectant, and strangely vulnerable, look Kara wet her lips.
"You mean Sam the Cylon." Her grim smirk dared Lee to throw her husband's revealed identity back at her. But his frown in response appeared more frustrated than gloating.
"No, I mean Samuel Anders, the guy you married on New Caprica," he sourly answered, and the hurt accusation she sensed behind his word stiffened her back.
"Do you love him, Kara?"
Crap. Crap. Frakkin' hell.
She wasn't ready for this now. Not with Lee.
Reminding herself that she'd offered to answer his questions, that getting Apollo's support was more important than avoiding the awkwardness of this conversation, Kara forced a reply. "No." A pause. "At least…not like you mean." Recalling her epiphany on the Heavy Raider, "I still have…have feelings. He's still Sam." She grimaced then. "The Lords of Kobol know how I wanted to hate him. When I first saw him…when I understood how he'd…what it meant that he was alive." Her hands clenched at the remembered betrayal and rage.
"But you don't?"
"Don't what, Lee," she mocked, "love or hate him?" As Lee's expression fell, Kara felt a flash of shame throw its heat across her face, guiltily aware that what she felt was as much displaced anger as frustration at having to have this conversation now—or at all. The gods surely knew how useless she was at this. Oh, she could talk smack, no problem. Could ream a nugget six ways to Aerilon or put a superior asshole in his place, yet when it came sharing her feelings, her words failed to launch. Her default response: go on the attack.
And yet everyone kept insisting that she'd feel better by talking things out, she silently huffed. When a small voice in her mind tried to remind her that things had improved after her sessions with Laura and Sharon, she ignored it. None of this was really important anyway. Lee shouldn't be pressing her about Leoben, about Sam, they had nothing the frak to do with finding Earth!
Unprepared to delve further into the maelstrom of her emotions for the three men, Kara deflected.
"Neither, Ok. Sam's the past, and what I need now is a Raptor. So how about you getting me one, Lee."
He blinked several times, his bewilderment at the change of subject apparent in his frown.
"What?"
"A Raptor, Lee," she chided. "You suddenly gone deaf?"
"Stop frakking around, Kara," he said, tone impatient. "What's a Raptor got to do with Sam, and where are you planning on going?"
"Earth" she replied, annoyed at his obtuse response.
"The mandela," he said in consternation as her prior demand caught up with him.
"I can find it again. Just need some time and a ship." She frowned as Lee shook his head. "You think I can't?"
"It's not that, Kara," he hastily assured her. "It just too dangerous. Going back into that radiation. You barely survived the first time." There was fear underlain in his voice, but she chose to ignore it.
"It's Earth, Lee. Frakkin' Earth!" One arm waved in frustration at everyone's disbelieving response. As Lee's hands lifted in a placating manner, forgotten was her earlier resolve to calmly reason with him. "Godsdamnit! I didn't make it up!"
"I believe you," at her scornful look, "I do," he insisted. "We just can't risk you…," he faltered, then started again. "You don't know how it felt, having to once more leaving you behind. Having to attend your memorial service. Gods, Kara, I—" he broke off, jaw flexing.
As remembered grief sharpened the planes of Lee's face, Kara's irritation faded. It was all she could do not to reach out to smooth the tight lines that framed his mouth.
Pulling her gaze from his lips, "I never intended…," she began but trailed off, knowing what a poor excuse it was for the pain she saw in his eyes at her supposed 'death'. Frak-it-all. It wasn't like she'd planned the whole thing! Kara closed her eyes, recalling the absolute certainty she'd felt when she'd made the decision to enter the mandela. In that moment she'd truly believed that this was what she'd been destined for.
And I was right!
Memories of the joy she'd felt on identifying the constellations confirming Earth's reality vied now with her disgust at not being able to clearly remember the coordinates back. Sure, while on the basestar she had purposefully tried not to bring the string of numbers to mind, afraid of the risk that she might eventually betray humanity by revealing Earth's location to the Cylons. After all, what she couldn't remember, couldn't be wrung from her, right?!
But now, when she was desperate to recall them, all she could visualize were a confusing mix of digits. She rubbed a finger between her brows, trying to force the superimposing numbers into a coherent sequence. They stubbornly refused to cooperate.
Finally she gave up with a low growl that seemed louder than it should have.
"If I knew another way, I'd try it, Lee," she said. "If I could only remember the coordinates…," Giving another frustrated sigh, she tried again to explain. "Some of it's clear. I entered the mandela, woke in a star system that exactly matched the one from Athena's Tomb and after saving the coordinates to the NAV system, I jumped back through to return to Galactica." She paused, and when she continued, her words came slower, but he didn't interrupt. "I-I don't know what went wrong. Why the Fleet was gone when I got to rendezvous point Cappa. I don't know, Lee, how days passed for you and only hours for me."
Lee moved, a hand lifting towards her, and again Kara flinched, leaning away against the couch's armrest.
"Frak it, Kara," Lee's hurt tone brought her gaze back to him and she read his dismay at her reaction, "I wasn't going to hit you."
"I know, it's just…," she faltered, unsure why she'd recoiled. Then she realized it was herself she didn't trust—not Lee. All this talk about her responses to Leoben and then the unaccounted for time had stirred up her doubts again. "I saw Earth." The words came pleadingly now, and she honestly wasn't sure which of them she was trying to convince. "I saw Earth, Lee. The shape of it, the smell of it, the feel of it on my skin—in my pores—and I swear to you that it was like I'd been there before. Like I'd never left."
She searched his eyes, desperate for some proof that she hadn't completely lost her shit. The concern in their troubled depths did little to reassure her.
Her gaze fell. "Or maybe the mandela—Earth—was never there. Maybe the Cylons found me in the radiation storm. Captured me. Brainwashed me." The idea that her memories might be just a continuation of the mindfrak Leoben had started on New Caprica made the room spin. "Maybe I'm a frakkin' Cylon, Lee," she said, and dropped her head into her hands as she sought to perceive whether her thoughts where her own.
Lee's shoulder brushed against hers as she felt him scoot closer. Lifting her head, she saw him extend an open palm. She reached out with her left to grasp his proffered right hand. He gave a squeeze and some of her doubt eased.
"I believe you, Kara." The sincerity in his voice brought her head further around. "I'd trust your eyes any day. You saw what you saw." Lee bent their joined hands and lightly rapped her forehead. "You're rattled, not programmed."
"So you don't think I'm nuts?"
"I didn't say that," he replied with a sideways smirk, his tone taking on a teasing edge. "You're a raving lunatic, as demented and deranged as the first day I met you."
"And you're a bastard," she quipped back, her mouth turning up in an instinctive grin at the familiar banter. But then her lips tightened again as she haltingly said, "I don't know, Lee. I passed out…more than once. And…and I remember the feel of Earth. And yet," her voice wavered, "I…I can't remember landing." She shook her head, conflicting memories superimposing once more over each other and renewing the fear that somehow the Cylons had found a way to imprint false ones into her mind.
Lee's next words rejected her escalating despair, offering a more reasonable explanation. "You were coming down from the stims. And, what with the effects of radiation poisoning, Kara, it's not surprising that your memory's a little muddled." He ducked his head to catch her eye. Doesn't mean it didn't happen."
"And the missing four days?"
"Who can say." His shoulder moved in a shrug against hers. "If the mandela was a wormhole of some type, maybe it distorted time. You could ask Gaeta." A frown abruptly darkened his expression, and Kara wondered if he was reconsidering his confidence in her.
Shifting on the couch to better face him, his hand still firmly gripped in hers, "Come on, Lee. I just need a Raptor," she pressed, circling back to her original purpose, knowing that only in find Earth again could she completely silence the doubts—her own and others.
He reached out and closed his other hand over their clasped pair.
"Kara, I can't. I'm sorry, I—," he broke off in the middle of his refusal. Kara could see an idea sharpening his gaze and her sinking hopes took a leap.
"Listen. Let me speak with Dad" he said. "I think I've got another option." When she opened her mouth to demand specifics, he interrupted. "No, just let me talk with him first, Kara. Please."
Without releasing her hold, she stood then, eyes searching his face as she fought the urge to insist he spill whatever he was going to propose to the Admiral. Yet trust ran both ways, and she reminded herself that if she wanted Lee to believe in her, she was going to have to respond in kind. Worrying her lower lip, she gave him a reluctant nod as he rose to face her.
"I'll be back as soon as I've discussed it with Dad," Lee promised. And, with a last squeeze of his grip, dropped his hand and strode towards the hatch. After what was probably meant as a reassuring glance over his shoulder, he was gone.
Sinking back onto the couch, Kara tried to still her hands, wondering what she'd do if this option of his—whatever it was—fell through. Tapping her fingers on the armrest, she started to devise and discard different methods of covertly commandeering a shuttle.
After all, a Colonial Officer should always have a contingency plan in place.
Just in case.
A/N: I'm so sorry for such a long hiatus. Health issues for myself and family, combined with other stuff in real life slowed my writing to a crawl. Add in a substantial dose of writer's block and it's been far longer to complete this chapter than I ever expected. Well, at least it's the size of two chapters in one. I will try to make the next installment more timely.
My continued appreciation to those that read and review.