Chapter 3: Confusion
Dan made sure he was the first one in the door. He saw Kathryn look up with an excited smile on her face and he gave his head a quick shake, frowning slightly. She looked confused, and Dan realized the others were sitting nearby also and had seen him. They were looking at each other questioningly when Phil came in behind Dan and closed the door.
Phil forced a smile, probably not even noticing the strange looks his family were exchanging, and said immediately, "I'm feeling tired. Think I'll take a nap until dinner." He turned and walked down the hallway toward the guest room without even waiting for a response. He hadn't even glanced at Dan before walking away.
Knowing that he owed the others some explanation, Dan walked into the lounge and just stood there for a minute, four faces looking at him expectantly. He really didn't want to have to talk about this right now, but he'd gotten them all involved by talking to them in the first place, so he needed to sort this out.
"He says he needs to think about it," he said quietly, then shrugged, feeling lost and alone even in this room of people he knew loved and supported him and Phil both. "I … I don't know what's going on. And I don't really … I don't really want to talk about it more right now." His voice broke on the last word and he turned to go, then realized that the only place he could go was their room, and Phil was already there. He was 100% certain that Phil did not want to see him right now. That reminded him.
He turned back to Phil's family and added, "He doesn't know that I told you … you know … about what I was going to do. So … don't … don't bug him about it, okay? I don't know what's going on, but he seems upset, so maybe he just needs some time. Or he wouldn't have just … run off like that … and left me standing here…" Fuck. He was crying now. He had to get out of here, but Phil's mum had jumped out of her chair and was hugging him. It was the last thing he needed, because it was just going to make him cry harder. He gently extricated himself from her grasp and gave her a watery smile.
"I'm gonna go … um …" He had no idea where he should go when he couldn't retreat to the guest room. He thought quickly. "I'm gonna go out for a walk on my own. Just … get some fresh air." He tried to smile at them all, but he knew he was doing a crap job of it. He needed to escape all their sympathetic eyes. What he really wanted was his own bedroom at home, but that was hundreds of miles away. He had nowhere to go where he could hide to lick his wounds. The best he could do was just get out, away where he wouldn't have anyone looking at him, where he could try to figure out what the fuck just happened.
Kathryn patted his shoulder gently and said, "You do what you need to, dear. I'm sorry it didn't go as you hoped. I don't know what that boy is…"
But Dan interrupted her. He really couldn't talk about this right now. "Just … I need to go, okay? I'll be back, but I need to be on my own for a bit." He tried another smile. They were feeling less convincing every time. He decided that a rapid escape was the best course of action and just turned and walked toward the door, not caring that he was being unforgivably rude. He went out and closed the door behind him, then stood on the welcome mat, just looking around him for a long moment. Where was he supposed to go? He decided he didn't want to go back to the beach that had been the site of that complete, soul-destroying disaster, so instead he turned toward the hills leading inland from the Lesters' home and just began walking, his hands in his pockets and his head down.
He walked for about an hour, not even noticing where he was going, not really paying attention to how much time had passed. He happened upon a large rock and sat down, looking out over the beautiful view of the fields and flowers and beach and sea, and he cried out his despairing confusion.
It was past dark when Dan got back to the house. He'd sat too long on that stone, just trying to figure out how he could have been so wrong, how he could have misunderstood Phil so badly when he'd thought they were as close as two people could be. In truth, he didn't understand anything. He felt adrift, unmoored, uncertain of his future where a day ago he had been so certain. That expression on Phil's face on the beach … Dan's heart literally hurt in his chest when he thought of it.
The darkness had gathered during his walk back to the house, and he'd become increasingly aware of how inappropriate and rude his long absence would seem. He'd lost track of time and how far he'd walked. He hoped he hadn't worried Phil's parents. He didn't even had his phone with him, so he wouldn't have been able to text, even if there was any service.
He knocked on the door when he got there. He'd never come to the door by himself, only ever with Phil, and he didn't feel comfortable just walking in like they'd always done when they arrived together. His shoulders were hunched and he was cold and miserable and he just wanted Phil to hug him and tell him it was all a mistake and for everything to be good again. But he was pretty darn sure that wasn't going to happen.
Phil's dad opened the door, looking puzzled. "Why'd you knock?" he asked, clearly honestly confused.
"I didn't want to just … come in. I mean…"
Phil's dad pulled him through the doorway and into another unexpected hug. They'd never hugged before this visit, and Dan wasn't entirely comfortable with it, but he appreciated the sentiment. He hesitantly hugged back but stepped away fairly quickly.
"You never have to knock on our door, Dan. You're family to us, no matter what."
Dan looked at the floor, hands still in his pockets, and nodded. "I know I probably missed dinner," he said awkwardly. "I hope you guys weren't worried. Maybe I can just grab a sandwich or something?"
"Kathryn kept a plate for you in the oven. You just go on in there and she'll get you set up."
Dan nodded again and walked toward the kitchen. As he passed, he saw Phil sitting in the lounge with Martyn and Cornelia, playing a card game. Phil froze when his eyes met Dan's, then he nodded and smiled, but it didn't look very genuine. He looked as uncomfortable as Dan felt.
In the kitchen, Kathryn set him down at the table with a plate of roast chicken and vegetables. She was a good cook, but he didn't taste a bite of it. After he'd eaten, she whisked away his plate and he reluctantly went to the lounge to join the others, trying to act like everything was normal.
The evening was a farce.
Phil was by turns monosyllabic and desperately cheerful. Dan kept obviously and unsuccessfully trying not to watch Phil for clues about what the fuck was going on in his head. Everyone else tried to pretend that they weren't desperately confused and curious about what was going on between the two.
Cornelia suggested a game of Monopoly. The four younger people sat down to play, while Phil's mum and dad sat nearby, each reading a book but keeping aware enough to contribute to the conversation occasionally.
No one was paying much attention to the game, and eventually Phil—the annoyingly obsessive person who would never let anyone up from the table until the game was finished, no matter how late it went—apologized barely halfway into the game to say, "I don't know why I'm so tired! But I think I'm going to go ahead and settle into bed for the night. Sorry to leave you guys before the game is done." And then he was gone before anyone even had a chance to react. Not even an affectionate or reassuring touch to Dan's shoulder. In fact, not even a glance in Dan's direction.
Dan quickly excused himself, because this was getting ridiculous. "I want to get a chance to talk to him before he goes to sleep. Sorry." But the family all encouraged him to follow Phil, offering supportive but sad smiles.
When Dan opened the door to their guest room, Phil was in the process of changing into his pyjamas. He started violently and looked toward the doorway, clutching his t-shirt to his bare chest. He relaxed only slightly when he saw who it was.
"Sorry if I scared you," Dan said, a little hurt that Phil's shoulders were still so tense after he'd seen that it was only him.
Phil shrugged, pulling the t-shirt over his head and then looking at the bed instead of at Dan. "S'okay," he mumbled, looking like he'd rather have a root canal than be in Dan's presence right now. "I'm just going to play Animal Crossing for a little while and then go to sleep."
"Mind if I join you and scroll the Tumbs?" Dan asked, trying to force some lightness into his tone. This was the sort of thing they did almost every night, but right now he felt like he was begging for any tiny scrap of Phil's attention. Okay, not even his attention, but at least his willingness to be near Dan for a little while by themselves.
Phil's face did a funny thing. Not funny ha ha, but funny unfamiliar. Phil never looked like that … like he'd swallowed a bug. Except maybe that one time when he'd accidentally swallowed a bug. But he gave a sickly smile and said, "Sure." It came out sounding like "Please leave me the fuck alone," but Dan chose to ignore the tone in favor of Phil's spoken permission.
Dan changed into his pyjamas while Phil settled on the bed under the covers with his phone. When Dan lifted the covers to slide inside, he felt like he was invading a stranger's territory. Why had Phil pulled away from him so completely? Why was everything so fucked up on the night he'd expected to be one of the happiest in their lives? He did a Tumblr search for "depressing meme" and spent a while scrolling.
They didn't speak at all until Phil said suddenly, "Well, I'm going to get some sleep. Good night." He pressed a quick, tense kiss to Dan's cheek and lay down on his side, facing away from Dan.
"Um. Okay. Sounds like a good idea." Dan turned out the light and lay on his back beside Phil's form that radiated discomfort.
He lay there staring at the dark ceiling for a long time, but Phil's breath never evened out. Apparently neither of them could fall asleep.
Finally, Dan said softly, "I'm sorry I freaked you out. I didn't mean to. But now I feel like you've completely pulled away from me."
Phil's voice sounded slow and reluctant when he replied, "I just need some time to think."
Dan couldn't help it. He and Phil had always been able to talk about anything. He wasn't used to reigning in his thoughts and feelings around this person who knew him and accepted him best. Dan whispered into the dark room, "I'm honestly not trying to push you, Phil, but … can you give me any kind of idea of how long you think you'll need? I'm dying here."
"Yes, that is pushing," Phil grouched back, and then didn't say anything more.
Dan took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. This just … I didn't expect any of this, and I'm a little thrown."
"You're thrown?" Phil exclaimed derisively, still facing away. "You're the one who came up with this out of nowhere and then sprang it on me here! With my whole family around!"
Dan felt defensive. "I thought the beach would be romantic, and that we'd want to share the good news with them and … celebrate." Phil didn't reply, and Dan's hurt finally transformed into anger. He didn't deserve this kind of treatment. Phil had never shut him out like this before, especially not when he knew Dan might be feeling vulnerable. Dan continued sarcastically, "Yeah, I realize now that I was being stupid. I'm so sorry I've inconvenienced you with my ill-timed declaration that I want to spend the rest of my life with you!"
Phil rolled over to face him, rubbing his hand hard against his forehead and sounding the most unhappy Dan had ever heard him. "It's just … now we're stuck in here together and I can't even go sleep in another room to get a bit of space."
Dan's temper flared. Phil wished he had a separate fucking room to go to? They hadn't slept in different rooms in years, except in public for appearance's sake. "You don't even want to sleep in the same bed with me? Fine! Fucking fine! I won't go out and sleep on the couch and worry your parents even more than they already are, but I will sleep on the goddamn fucking floor."
He jerked the duvet off the bed and stood up, walking through the pitch dark room to where he remembered a Dan-sized stretch of carpet on the floor. He lay down with his heart racing and his face hot with righteous indignation. Phil was a compete prick. Dan didn't say anything more, though, just lay there on the floor, stewing in his own fury.
That lasted maybe half an hour. And then he just felt sad and confused and exhausted. He spent the rest of the night lying there, gradually accepting the previously inconceivable idea that Phil actually wished he wasn't around.
He knew Phil. Phil wouldn't be acting like this without a really good reason. Dan stopped feeling angry and started worrying about Phil, and whether this was going to mess everything up for them. If Dan pushed him, would Phil pull far enough away from him to destroy everything they'd built? Would this trip end the exact opposite way of what Dan had hoped and expected? Would he drive Phil away instead of bringing him closer?
When light began to seep into the room, Dan crept quietly to fetch his phone out of the pocket of his jeans and went to work on trying to minimize his own torment, and probably Phil's as well. He couldn't stand this coldness between them. It was breaking his heart.
Sometime after about a million hours of these thoughts, Dan heard noises elsewhere in the house. He got up and dressed as quietly as possible. Phil appeared to be sleeping soundly. It hurt Dan's feelings a little bit that Phil was able to rest so easily while Dan had lain awake filled with angst all night. But he knew Phil could fall asleep anytime and anywhere, so after his initial visceral reaction, he felt a rush of affection for his funny Phil who could sleep through a nuclear attack, let alone a bit of relationship drama.
Dan crept to the kitchen, where he could hear noises. He arrived to find Kathryn surrounded by ingredients and placing unidentifiable lumps onto a baking pan. She turned to look at him and explained in a hush, "Cinnamon rolls for later, when everyone wakes up."
She turned back to her work, but glanced at him occasionally as he leaned tiredly against the doorframe. "How are you doing, dear? I won't ask anything more about what's going on, but a blind man could see that you're both hurting."
Dan hesitated, but then admitted, "I got up early this morning and changed my ticket. It seems like he could use some space, and it's hard for me being here. So I'm heading home today."
Kathryn gasped and turned around with doughy hands. "Oh, we were so looking forward to seeing you for longer, Dan! Are you sure you need to leave? Maybe this is all a misunderstanding, and you and Phil…"
Dan shook his head and said, "He needs time away from me right now. I don't know what's going on for him, but he clearly doesn't want me here."
Kathryn took a step toward him and insisted, "I'm sure that isn't true, Dan! We all know how much he loves you!"
"But right now I guess he's going through something, and he doesn't want to talk about it. Not with me. Maybe with you, after I've left. I think he could use some supportive family time without me hanging around." He felt miserable, but he knew this was the right thing to do. Then he added as adamantly as he could when talking to Phil's mum, "Just … promise me you won't harass him about the proposal thing."
She sighed, turning back to her cinnamon rolls. "If you think that's best, I'll make sure no one mentions it. If he brings it up, though…"
"If he wants to talk about it, I know you'll be there for him." He tried to turn his lips into a grateful smile, but they wouldn't budge. He hoped the look in his eyes was enough.
The Lester household slowly stirred to wakefulness, and people began to trickle into the kitchen, sniffing appreciatively at the smell of cinnamon rolls baking. Phil, however, did not emerge. Dan explained to everyone that he was going to be leaving today, and faced their incredulity, silencing their objections with a firm, "I need to do this. I'm sorry."
They ate breakfast without Phil, who had still not appeared.
Eventually, Dan needed to pack his suitcase before Phil's dad would drive him to the airport, so he hesitantly went to their room. He felt an absurd urge to knock before opening the door. He found Phil sitting up in bed with his laptop open on his lap.
Dan closed the door behind him, but hesitated near it. "Everyone's wondering where you are," he said inanely.
Phil nodded, his eyes not quite meeting Dan's, and said, "I'm having a lazy morning." He was obviously trying to sound casual, but failing.
Dan walked toward his suitcase. "I changed my ticket. I'm going to head home today, let you … do whatever you need to do … without me getting in the way." He started tossing things into his case, not looking at Phil.
"You didn't have to sleep on the floor!" Phil said, and he sounded upset now. "You don't have to leave!"
Dan looked at him, and tried to make his voice as gentle as possible. "It seems like you could use some space." Understatement. "And that's okay. But you should just … stay here as long as you need to, with people who love you, until you're ready to come home … to somebody else who loves you, too."
"I do love you," Phil said plaintively, as if worried that Dan wouldn't believe him. Dan heard the sadness in Phil's voice and felt all his love well up inside him. Whatever was going on inside him, however much Dan was hurting, this was difficult for Phil, too. And he couldn't love Phil as much as he did without wanting to help when Phil was in pain. So he would try to be strong and give Phil what he needed, even if it was tearing his own heart out in the process.
"I know," he said quietly, and leaned over to kiss Phil softly on the lips. "Do what you need to do. I'll wait."
On the flight home, Dan didn't realize that there were tears on his face until the elderly woman sitting next to him patted his arm gently and said, "Whatever it is, it's going to be okay." Her eyes were kind. He looked away.