"I never should've listened to him." Piper angrily mumbled out loud as she looked for the instruction manual. "I told him something simple that prints quickly and efficiently. Instead I get... I get this." She practically sneers at the printer sitting on her desk.
Earlier that day when Piper went to Best Buy she was approached by an overly friendly sales rep named Larry. She explained that she needed something that printed clearly and was easy to use. She knew how to use a computer well enough but couldn't be bothered with anything more complicated than that. He spent far too long showing her every printer they had and explaining all the features.
"This one sends faxes." The over eager sales rep blurted out.
"But why would I want to send a fax if I can just scan something?"
"You're absolutely right. I hate faxes."
Piper crosses her arms as she looks around the aisle and says almost to herself, "yeah, well, who doesn't."
"Exactly!"
Startled Piper jumps a little and the guy grabs her arm.
"I didn't mean to startle you. I'm so sorry."
"It's fine," she slowly pulls her arm out of his grip. Sighing deeply and fed up with the printer expo he'd just put her through she says to him, "listen," she looks at his name tag, "Larry. I just need a good and basic printer. With a scanner, it needs to have a scanner." She smiles tiredly.
Mistaking her tired yet polite smile for interest he perks up a bit, "I know just what you need. If you want, you can wait over by the register and I'll bring it up to you."
About fifteen minutes later Piper had finally purchased her printer. Larry offered to carry it out to her car for her.
After putting it in her trunk and closing the door the nervous sales rep clears his throat and reaches into his shirt pocket.
"This is if you need help setting it up. Or if you have any other tech related questions. Or if you wanna grab dinner with me." And he smiled what he hoped was a charming enough smile to convince her.
Piper took the offered card and slipped it into her back pocket, "thanks, but if it's as simple as you said it was I should be fine."
"Oh ok. Ok well it was nice meeting you Piper." He smiled.
"Nice meeting you, too, Larry."
Piper got in her car and drove home.
About four hours later she was ready to toss the stupid machine out the window.
"Fucking Larry." She said through gritted teeth as she poured her second glass of wine. "Where's that fucking manual?"
After looking through the papers that came with the printer she found it. She turned to the page with the tech support number, grabbed her phone and dialed.
After at least twenty minutes on hold and another glass of wine later, Piper was feeling much calmer and had actually forgotten she was on hold having gotten caught up in the hold music.
A moment later, just as the song was hitting the best part, a voice sounded through the receiver.
"Thank you for calling tech support, this is Alex how may I help you?"
"AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-EEEEE-IIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE- Oh shit, sorry!"
"No, by all means Whitney, please continue."
"Oh my god I'm so sorry."
Piper heard a raspy chuckle on the line and smiled a little.
"Don't worry about it. What can I do for you today?"
"Right, ok, my printer won't print."
"Well, that sounds like a real problem."
"Yes, I know! I went to Best Buy and after an hour almost he was still showing me printers and then FINALLY he told me this one was 'just what I needed.'" Piper imitated his voice as best she could.
Alex laughed along and asked, "who's the he you keep mentioning?"
"Fucking Larry."
"Boyfriend?"
"Oh god no. NO. No."
"Ok, then, not a boyfriend."
"He's the sales rep that helped me at the store. He said it would be simple and that I'd have it up and running in no time. But here I am, four hours later, with a printer that doesn't print."
"Alright, let's start from the beginning then. Is it plugged in?"
"Please give me a little credit."
"So it's plugged in. And I'm gonna assume you hooked it up to the computer too, right?"
"Right."
"Ok and you put the CD in and installed everything correctly too?"
"Yes, yes."
"Ok let me look through my checklist. Hang on just a second..." Alex trailed off waiting for Piper to say her name.
"Oh, oh yeah my name's Piper."
"Hang on just a second, Piper."
"Um, I actually didn't get your name. I was- when you introduced yourself I was-"
"Hitting that high note?"
Piper smiles as she speaks, "yes, I was hitting the high note. I really am sorry you had to hear that. I'm an awful singer."
"I've heard much worse. Trust me."
"What, like, on here? On the tech support line?"
"Yes" Alex laughs.
"Like what? Tell me." Having already downed three glasses of wine Piper was feeling splendid.
"Well one guy once called and frantically explained that his Blu-Ray player froze and he unplugged it and the image was still on the TV."
"Ok?"
"He was house sitting for his aunt and was watching porn, hi def porn, on her TV and the image froze at a particularly compromising scene."
Piper openly and loudly laughs, "OH MY GOD please tell me you're joking!"
"I really, really wish I was. He showed me."
"He showed you? How?!"
"We do tech support calls via Skype too."
"Oh, I see, I see."
After a few minutes Alex asks, "what's the model number?"
"I don't know." Piper is sitting on the floor of her home office legs stretched out in front of her.
"Look on the box."
"I threw the box away..."
"Ok, look on the printer then."
"Where on the printer?"
"Somewhere on the bottom."
"Oh, you know what? I'm calling fucking Larry. He's the one that sold me the thing. Hang on I've gotta get my pants. Larry's phone number is still in my pocket, I think."
"So you're not wearing pants?"
Piper answers while not really paying attention and continues searching in her room for her jeans. "No"
"No pants and I'm assuming slightly tipsy."
"I'm not drunk! And I'm wearing shorts ok, so yeah."
"No of course you're not drunk." then after a minute, "What kind of shorts?"
"Running shorts- wait, why am I telling you this?"
"So you're a runner?"
"Yes, is that a problem?"
"Oh no, not at all. Quite the opposite actually. I like runners."
"You like runners? Please explain."
"Runners have nice asses."
"Well you're not shy."
Alex laughs, "I have one shot at life, why waste it by holding back?"
"That's a fair point. UGH, you know what? Fuck Larry, I'm not calling him. Tell me where to find the model number and I'll read it to you."
After a few minutes of confusion Piper located the model number and gave it to Alex. She was able to pull up the troubleshooting tips and the computer detected the printer.
"WAIT, THE COMPUTER SAID SOMETHING." Piper's head quickly pops up from under her desk.
"Did it, now?"
"It says 'new hardware detected' what does that mean? Is it good?"
"Yes it is, now you've gotta try it out, see if it works properly. Is it just a printer?"
"Printer and scanner."
"Ok print something, a test page is fine."
Piper prints the default test page. "Yes! It's printing!"
"Great, now scan something."
"Ok hang on I gotta find the scanning app on here, wait."
Alex sits and plays with her pen until she hears an 'aha!' on the line.
"Find it?"
"Yep!"
"You're not as dumb as you look."
"Hey! That's not very cool of you. And besides you don't even know what I look like."
"Well why don't you use your brand new scanner and send me a photo."
Piper is silent on the line for a moment. "I don't have your email address."
"Write it down, here goes: alex vause, that's v-a-u-s-e, at gmail dot com."
"Ok hang on, I'm gonna get a good picture."
Soon Alex hears the tell tale signs of a functioning scanner and shortly after she receives an alert on her phone. Opening the Gmail app she sees an email from a Piper Chapman. She opens the message and the attachment along with it. For a moment Alex almost can't breathe. This Piper girl is probably, no definitely, the most beautiful woman she's ever seen in her entire life. And her smile. Alex couldn't get over her smile.
"You've got an amazing smile." Alex says into her headset.
Piper smiles on the other end. "Thank you."
"Well it looks like your printer and your scanner are working."
"Yeah, I guess they are."
"Was there anything else I can help you with today?"
"No that was all."
"One question before the call ends... you didn't call the 800 number, did you?"
"No it was a 718 area code. Why?"
"You're in the city, I can tell when it's a local call."
"Yeah, I am."
"I get off in two hours. Do you wanna get a drink with me?"
Just then Piper's phone dinged. She sees her email notification. As the photo attachment loads she nearly drops her phone.
"Is this you?" She asks almost breathlessly.
"Yeah. Disappointed?"
"Far from it. You have...eyes."
Alex doesn't quite understand, but still responds, "yes, I... have eyes."
"Shit, I'm sorry. I meant you have beautiful eyes."
"They're even nicer in person. I'll email you the address to the bar. See you soon."
"See you soon. Bye." Piper smiles as she speaks.
And as Piper made her way to the shower she couldn't stop smiling.