A chicken clucked across the room. It slipped on a pile of porn magazines before pecking at the red straw-like hair of the Kazekage who was passed out face first in a bowl of popcorn. The chicken plucked out a kernel and strutted on. It walked over a scroll bearing drawings of naked women. The scroll was blanketing Sai, a steady stream of drool flowing from his mouth, stilettos strapped to his feet. A half-deflated sex doll fell off a stack of pizza boxes and startled the chicken, who landed on the lap of Konohamaru, who was handcuffed to a floor lamp with his headband hanging loosely around his neck. His pants were pinned to the ceiling with a kunai, along with a bra. The chicken then caught a whiff of nachos spoiling in the kitchen, but the nachos were buried underneath too many empty and partially empty booze bottles, so the chicken concluded there was nothing to see here and flew out through the open window. It landed momentarily on a mattress that was inexplicably resting on Hashirama Senju's head before drifting to the ground and crossing the road.

Gaara lifted his head out of the popcorn bowl and took in his surroundings. A sharp pain throbbed in his head, and he massaged his tattoo. "Fuuuuuuuuuuuck...," he whispered. He pushed himself off the floor, stumbled over the pile of porn mags, and made his way to the bathroom. He turned on the light, but when the light hit his eyes, it felt like he was being punched in the skull, so he turned it off and just relied on the light from the window. He pulled down his pants and took a satisfying hangover morning piss. Someone grumbled behind him. "Hold on," he said. "Just a little more."

"rrrrrrrrRAWR!"

Gaara, not bothering to pull up his pants, turned around and saw a full-grown tiger sitting in the jacuzzi. He stared at the animal for a good while, processing. He reached for his kunai and realized he had none on him. "N-NARUTO!" Gaara cried, leaving his pants behind as he bolted out of the bathroom. He tripped over Sai who was hidden beneath his scroll. Sai opened his eyes and was also hit with a sharp pain in his head.

"Kazekage," he said, "what happened?"

"There is a tiger in the bathroom," said Gaara.

Sai giggled. "Ooops. My bad. I will put it back." Sai started rolling up the scroll, and looking at its contents, muttered, "Ohhh myyy..."

"I don't think it's one of yours. It's real," said Gaara.

"That is silly," said Sai. He pushed himself off the ground and walked casually to the bathroom.

"RAWR!"

"Oh my," said Sai, closing the door. "That's a real tiger."

"I told you," said Gaara.

"Why is there a naked drawing of Sasuke Uchiha on my scroll?" asked Sai.

"Sai," said Gaara, rubbing his temple again, "do you remember anything from last night?"

Sai thought for a moment. "I remember coming here...and we started drinking...and..."

"...and?" asked Gaara.

Sai stared blankly at Gaara. "Are you missing a tooth?"

"What?" said Gaara, sticking his fingers in his mouth. "Oh my god. Holy shit. I'm missing a tooth."

"WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Konohamaru whistled. "Oh, shit! Hahaha! Wooo! Damn! BAHAHAHAHA!"

"Konohamaru," Gaara said.

"Damn, look at this place! Wowza!" Konohamaru said. "And look at me! I'm handcuffed to a floor lamp!"

"Konohamaru," Gaara said.

"Oh, holy shit, you're missing a tooth," said Konohamaru. "And we're both pantsless. Up top, brother!" He held out a hand for a high-five, but Gaara didn't return it.

"Konohamaru, this isn't funny," said Gaara. "There's a tiger in the bathroom."

"No shit?" asked Konohamaru, who burst into laughter. "No shit! I gotta see this! Ughh...anyone know where the keys to this thing is? Hehe..." Gaara unlocked the handcuffs with his sand, and Konohamaru walked happily to the bathroom.

"RAWR!"

"No way!" Konohamaru exclaimed. "Dude, look at this thing! It's huge! That's what she said, HA!" He came back carrying Gaara's pants. "Are these yours, bro?"

"Thanks," Gaara said coldly. "Konohamaru, this isn't funny. This place is a disaster, and neither me nor Sai can remember anything that happened last night."

"It's a little funny," said Konohamaru. "Relax, bro. I got this. The room's in my name. I'll cover any damages." He jumped up and retrieved his own pants from the ceiling. "Damn, I wonder who's bra this is?"

"Konohamaru, I'm missing a tooth, and there's a tiger in the bathroom," said Gaara.

"Looks like a C cup. Noice!"

"Are you listening?" Gaara scolded. "Tooth, tiger..."

"Baby," Sai said.

"Tooth, tiger, ba-BABY?!" Gaara echoed.

"Woah, dudes, getting a little too close there, don't you think?" Konohamaru said.

"There's a baby in the closet!" Sai reported.

Gaara placed his hand over his mouth, grabbed a wastebasket from the kitchen, and barfed.

"Lemme see this," Konohamaru said, moving to where Sai was standing. "Awww!" he cooed. "Look at Konohamaru Junior!"

"Oh, I didn't know you had a son," said Sai.

"I don't. That I know of," said Konohamaru. "Ha! A baby in the closet. That's fucked up, man!"

"NARUTO!" Gaara shouted. "For the love of god, Naruto, wake up! NARUTO! NARUTO!" He rushed around the suite, overturning furniture, opening cabinets and closets, even re-entering the bathroom. "Oh god. Guys. Where's Naruto?"

Sai and Konohamaru looked at each other, then back at Gaara, and shrugged. Gaara's blood boiled, and sand swirled around him. He screamed, sending it flying in random directions.

"Bro," said Konohamaru, putting his hand on Gaara's shoulder. "Don't throw your dirt around, please. This room's in my name. I gotta cover the damages, kay?"

Gaara clenched his fist and exhaled, imagining his sand wrapping around Konohamaru's throat. "Okay," he said, sitting down and crossing his arms. "What are we going to do?"

"We're gonna retrace our steps and find our boy," said Konohamaru. "We're ninja, right? We can handle this."

"The wedding is tomorrow," said Gaara.

"I know," said Konohamaru. "So, we arrived at Senju's Palace. We talked to those guys on Hinata's team. We came up here. Then we...?"

"I believe the term is 'got lit,'" Sai finished.

Konohamaru smiled. "Yes, lit. But we obviously didn't stay here."

Gaara itched his arm, then gasped. "We went to the hospital!"

"The hospital? That doesn't sound very lit," Konohamaru said.

Gaara held up his arm. "I have a hospital ID tag."

"Ohhhh!" Konohamaru said. "Good job, Kazekage! We'll start at the hospital, then?"

"It's a start," agreed Sai.

"Then what are we waiting for?" Konohamaru asked. "Bring Konohamaru Junior."

"We're not calling him Konohamaru Junior," said Gaara.

"Fine, Kazekage, what would you call him?" asked Konohamaru.

"We're not calling him anything," said Gaara, "because we're not keeping him."

"Let's just call him Boy," said Sai.

"Ugh, no, don't call him something so literal," said Konohamaru.

"You are the grandson of the Third Hokage of Konoha, and your name is the ship of Konoha," Sai pointed out.

"What? Don't be silly, I'm Konohamaru! That's Kon-oh...really, that's what my name means? Well, damn, that's gay," said Konohamaru.

"This is a waste of time. Naruto could be anywhere, and we're arguing over the name of a child that isn't ours. Give me the child," Gaara ordered.

"You got it, boss," said Konohamaru. "C'mon, Lil' Playa."

The baby was strapped into a sling that you could wear over your body. Gaara rolled his eyes at Konohamaru as he put on the sling. "Thanks, Leaf Ship," said Gaara.

"Fuck you, Wind Shadow. UGH! Wind Shadow! That's so fucking cool! Why didn't anyone ever tell me I had such a lame-ass name?" Konohamaru continued ranting as they walked out the door.