Gaara and Sai held their foreheads as the morning sun assaulted their eyes. Konohamaru returned with a sheepish look on his face.
"What's wrong?" asked Gaara.
"Nothing," said Konohamaru unconvincingly. "I got the keys. Let's go to the hospital and get some answers."
They followed Konohamaru to the car. Gaara stopped. "Unbelievable," he said.
"What?" asked Konohamaru.
Gaara glared. "You know what. This isn't our car."
"It isn't?" said Konohamaru. "Huh. I hadn't noticed..."
"Shut up," said Gaara. "You know just as well as I do this isn't our car."
"Ugh, fine, you're right. But these keys are in our name, so..."
"Oh no no no no," said Gaara. "These keys are in your name. You're the one who got the car. You're the one who wanted to come here. You're the one who had to get lit. We were just along for the ride. We wanted to spend a quiet night with our friend, Naruto. The whole reason any of us are here, remember? This isn't about you, this was never about you, so quit fucking around!"
"Damn, what did I do to you?" Konohamaru said.
"I don't know! That's the fucking problem!" Gaara shouted.
The baby started to cry.
"Look what you did. You scared Pikachu," Konohamaru said.
"COPY NIN," Sai read, staring at the mysterious car's license plate. "Hey, guys, I think this is Kakashi's car."
Gaara patted the baby's head and glared at Konohamaru. "Like I said. Your name."
"IS IT TOO LATE FOR ME TO SAY SORRY?" Konohamaru sang as he drove. Gaara and Sai stared out opposite windows. Konohamaru turned off the radio and pouted.
Shizune's face lit up when she saw the boys. "Lord Gaara! Sai! Konohamaru!" she exclaimed. She looked behind them and frowned. "Where's Naruto?"
"So Naruto was here?" asked Gaara.
"Yeah," said Shizune. "You were all super giddy. You were talking about..." Shizune blushed. "Nevermind. How's your tooth, Gaara? And whose baby is this? He's cute."
"Uhhh," said Gaara, "it's a long story. Or so we think."
"We don't remember anything that we did last night," said Sai.
Shizune's jaw dropped, and then she threw back her head and laughed. "Sounds like you guys had a good time!"
"THANK YOU!" shouted Konohamaru. "See? Everything is fine! These two squares are all freaking out because we can't find Naruto and there was this strange baby in our room. But it's funny, right?"
"Ummm, okay, woah, maybe I should run some tests," said Shizune. "If you guys really drank that much, you'd probably be dead."
"So you're saying this is more than just alcohol?" asked Gaara.
"Take a seat," said Shizune. "I'm going to test something. Be right back." She scurried into a nearby room.
"Great," said Gaara. "We've probably been drugged."
"Now how would that have happened?" asked Konohamaru.
"I don't know," said Gaara. "That's the fucking problem!"
"There are many drugs that could have done this," agreed Sai. "I learned all about them in ANBU. Or we were under mind control. Who would have done this?"
"We don't know," said Gaara.
"That's the fucking problem," said Konohamaru.
Shizune reappeared and slapped a seal on Gaara's head. The seal turned green. "It's genjutsu," said Shizune.
"What kind of genjutsu?" asked Gaara.
"Oh, could be anything," said Shizune, "but the good news is it's wearing off. The color would be dark green if you were still under it. Ugh, I wish I'd tested you when you came in last night. I could have broken it. Now you just have to wait it out."
"So you're saying our memories will come back?" asked Sai.
"Maybe, the more time passes," said Shizune. "But I wouldn't count on it. You're going to have to just keep retracing your steps like you are now."
"Shizune, you said we were talking about something when we came in last night. What was it?" asked Konohamaru.
"Ohhh," sad Shizune with a groan. "You guys were all pumped about going to a strip club."
The Kinky Kunoichi did not, of course, actually feature kunoichi as performers, nor did actual ninja frequent the place. Well, actual ninja usually didn't frequent the place.
"KONOHAMARU!" the bouncer shouted with glee upon seeing his favorite patron. The pair fist-bumped. "My man! Already back for more, dawg? You know we got your favorite booth clean for you!"
"Unbelievable," Gaara muttered under his breath.
"Hey, Goku, what's up, dawg?" asked the bouncer, offering Gaara his fist.
"I think he is talking to you," Sai whispered. "Sir, his name's not-"
Gaara slapped his hand over Sai's mouth so forcefully, Sai nearly lost a tooth as well. "Yes, dawg, hello. I am Goku."
"And this motherfucker," said the bouncer, turning to Sai. "This motherfucker is the craziest guy I've ever met!" The bouncer threw his arms around Sai and clapped him heartily on the back.
"I knew this would be the place!" Konohamaru said happily. "Kaito, we need some help. What happened while we were here last night?"
Kaito laughed in Konohamaru's face. "What didn't you guys do is the better question! The girls were missing you for sure when you left."
"Did we have another guy with us? Blonde, blue eyes, whisker birthmarks, annoying voice?"
"Oh yeah, that guy! The one who was just kinda sitting back and watching on account of being engaged and all. What about him?"
"He left with us, right?" Konohamaru pressed.
"Oh yeah, he left with you. You, Sai, Goku, and Hana, of course, hehe."
"Hana?" Konohamaru asked. "Who's Hana?"
"Oh, come on, man," said Kaito. "You seriously don't remember?" He turned to Gaara. "But Goku here remembers, riiiight?"
"Kaito," Konohamaru whispered, a huge smile forming on his face, "is Hana a stripper?"
"Oh no," said Gaara. "Oh no oh no oh no..."
"GAARA'S IN LOVE WITH A STRIPPER!" sang Konohamaru.
"Shut up," said Gaara.
"I don't get it," said Konohamaru. "You're living the dream. Be happy."
"I am a Kazekage!" Gaara snapped. "If anyone found out about this, I'd be ruined!"
"Turn right," said Sai, navigating from the passenger seat. "It's here."
"Geez, this is worse than Naruto's place," said Konohamaru. It was a pretty sketchy neighborhood they had turned into. The apartment complex was falling apart at the seams. "You're sure, Sai?"
"3874 Fugu Court," said Sai. "This is it."
They stepped out of the car cautiously and climbed the stairs to Hana's apartment door. Gaara took a deep breath and knocked. "I bet this is all just a big misunderstanding," he said.
"GOKU!" the woman squealed. She grabbed Gaara by the back of his neck and jammed her tongue down his throat.
"Can't misunderstand that," said Konohamaru.
Gaara stared at Hana, and his face softened. She was a few inches shorter than him, with long, wavy, chestnut brown hair and bright blue eyes. She wore a simple black dress that hugged her ample curves.
"Thank you so much for watching Otokonoko last night," Hana said, picking up the baby out of the sling. She immediately pulled down a strap of her dress and started to nurse Otokonoko.
"You can do that?" Sai whispered. Konohamaru snickered, and Gaara shot them both a warning glare.
Hana, however, laughed. "Oh, Sai, you're so funny! It's so nice to see you all again. Where's Totoro?"
"Who?" asked Gaara.
"Don't be silly," said Hana. "The one who's getting married!"
"OHHHH!" laughed Gaara. "Of course, Totoro, that's totally his real name, like mine's Goku...yeah, erm, actually, we were hoping you could help us with that." He motioned for the others to step back and followed Hana inside her apartment.
"He likes her," said Konohamaru.
"What is not to like? She is beautiful," agreed Sai.
"And free with her body," Konohamaru said with a sigh. "How much do you wanna bet they're gonna fuck?"
Sai looked at the door for a moment, then said, "I would bet all the things."
"Hey, look, someone else has a car!" Konohamaru said, pointing. The red car was pulling into the apartment complex parking lot. "It looks just like the one we had last night, how about that?"
"KONOHAMARU SARUTOBI!" shouted an angry voice. A kunai whizzed between Konohamaru and Sai's heads, and Kakashi Hatake stepped out of the driver's seat.
"I just shat myself," said Konohamaru.
"Me too," said Sai.
"GAARA! I mean, GOKU! PULL OUT! WE NEED YOU!" Konohamaru yelled, knocking on the door.
Gaara cracked open the door. "What?" he growled.
"We need diplomatic expertise," Konohamaru said.
"And can I please use your stripper's bathroom?" asked Sai. "It is an emergency."
"Dude, did you really shit yourself?" Konohamaru said. "Gross, bro!"
"It is a natural bodily reaction to having the Hokage throw a sharp object at you," said Sai.
"The Hokage? Now? Hell," said Gaara. "Okay, erm, Hana, sweetie, we need to go, but I'll be back for you, I promise!"
"Ohhh," Hana whined. "Okay, Goku. See you tonight?"
"Yes, of course," said Gaara. He kissed her again before exiting the apartment. He was carrying a small book.
"What are we going to tell Kakashi?" asked Konohamaru.
"I don't know," said Gaara, "I was thinking, umm, the truth?"
"THE TRUTH?!" shouted Konohamaru. "How did you ever get to be Kazekage? Oh man, we're so dead!"
"As opposed to what, lying to the Hokage and being in double-jeopardy later? Wow, you seriously are that dumb! I thought maybe it was just an act, but geez," said Gaara.
"Oh, don't be acting like you're so above me now, Mr. Stripper Banger," said Konohamaru.
Gaara punched Konohamaru in the stomach. Konohamaru threw up a little.
"Oh no...," said Sai, who got out of the damn way.
"Don't talk about my wife like that," Gaara ordered.
"Your...wife? Your WIFE?! Oh, good LORD!" Konohamaru exclaimed even managing to laugh. "Gaara married a stripper! THE KAZEKAGE MARRIED A STRIP-!"
Gaara smacked Konohamaru's face, and Konohamaru fell to the ground. "You will not disrespect me or my wife anymore. Got it?"
"You're serious right now," Konohamaru said. "C'mon, man! Chill! You'll get a divorce, nobody will ever have to know that the Kaze-!" Gaara raised his foot, and Konohamaru grabbed it, flipping Gaara onto his back.
"Konohamaru, you just laid out the Kazekage," Sai said.
"Oh shit," said Konohamaru. "Oh shit oh shit oh shit." Gaara was crying. "Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit," Konohamaru said. "Hey, man, I didn't mean to hurt you! I'm really strong, I-"
"You did not hurt me," said Gaara. "I do not get hurt. Not physically." He sat up and wailed. "Being the Kazekage...is HARD!"
Konohamaru and Sai stared at each other, at a loss for what to do. "I...uhhh...yeah, man...," struggled Konohamaru.
"Do you want to talk about it?" asked Sai, sitting down next to Gaara. "My friendship books say that when your friend is sad, you should listen to them. So I am listening." He nodded to Konohamaru.
Konohamaru sat down next to Sai. "Me too," said Konohmaru. "So, you married, a strip...a lady you met while you were drunk. What do you think about that?"
"Hana said I was fun," said Gaara. "Look at these pictures," he said, opening the little black book. "Look at how happy we are!"
"Of course, man," said Konohamaru. "She's a foxy lady. I mean, I looked happy too, and I wasn't even the one who got to sleep with her!"
"You are always so happy, Konohamaru," said Gaara. "You don't have to worry about anything."
"No, man, I got worries," said Konohamaru.
"You don't hold the fate of your village in your hand every single day! Look, Konohamaru, look at these pictures! Look at me! Do you ever see me smile like that?" asked Gaara.
"I mean...," said Konohamaru. "We were drunk and high on the genjutsu."
"Gaara does not ever smile," said Sai.
Gaara wailed again.
"KONOHAMARU SARUTOBI!" Kakashi's voice boomed. The Hokage's shadow fell over the trio.
Konohamaru stood up. "Hey, yo, Hokage, Imma let you finish, but my boy Gaara here is having a moment. So we would really appreciate it if you could give us a little space to talk through some shit, and then you're free to scold us as much as you want."
The Hokage slapped some car keys and a scroll into Konohamaru's hand. "One year of D-rank missions," he growled.
"That is fair," said Konohamaru. "Sai?"
Sai bowed his head. "Honorable Hokage, we thank you for your mercy."
Gaara wrapped his arms around Sai and sobbed.
Once Kakashi left, Konohamaru said, "Alright, dude. So you married a strip-a random girl you met while fucked up at a bar. It happens."
"It does?" Sai whispered. Konohamaru nudged Sai, and then Sai said, "Oh, yes, of course. I do this at least once a week." He winked at Konohamaru, who facepalmed.
"Look, bro, what we're trying to say is, yeah, you're the Kazekage, and that's a big fucking deal, but guess what? You're human too! And that really sucks sometimes. But with good friends at your side, it doesn't have to always suck. You are too hard on yourself. Hey, Gaara, give me your hand."
Gaara looked up and glared at him. "I do not hold hands with men."
"I'm not asking...ugh...there you go again, being all uptight! Just give me your hand. No homo."
"No homo," agreed Gaara, complying.
"Okay, now you're gonna make a fist," said Konohamaru, pushing Gaara's fingers together.
"I know how to make a fist," said Gaara.
"Now take this special finger...this one here..." Konohamaru started lifting Gaara's middle finger out of the fist. "...and repeat after me: 'fuck it all!'"
"Fuck you," Gaara said.
"There you go! That's good!" said Konohamaru. "What else?"
"Fuck responsibilities," said Gaara. "Fuck paperwork. Fuck always having to be right. Fuck whiny brat genin. Fuck fangirls."
"I like it! I like it!" Konohamaru exclaimed. "Fuck genjutsu!"
"Fuck Danzo!" Sai shouted.
"Fuck creepy puppets!" Gaara said.
"Fuck D-rank missions!" Konohamaru said.
"Fuck missions! Fuck diplomacy!" Gaara cried.
"Fuck the Hokage!" Sai added.
"WOAH!" Konohamaru said, pushing Sai's finger down. "No! Bad Sai!"
"Yeah, but fuck Daimyos, man," Gaara said.
"Ugh, amen to that, my brother," said Konohamaru.
"And fuck anyone who says I can't marry a stripper if I want to!"
"PREACH!" Konohamaru shouted. "Wait, no, dude, fuck marriage, man."
"I see you driving around town with the girl I love..." sang Konohamaru.
"And I'm like FUCK YOU!" Sai and Gaara finished.
"So, you really think you're going to stick with the marriage?" asked Konohamaru.
"I am an old-fashioned man," said Gaara. "Marriage is a commitment. I will take her home and give her a better life."
"Does she know you're the Kazekage?" asked Sai.
"No," Gaara said.
"Oh, that is probably something she should know," Sai said.
"Yes, but first, we must find Naruto," said Gaara.
"NARUTO!" Konohamaru shouted out the window. "NARUTO! NINE-TAILS! HERE, JINCHUURIKI! NARUTOHHHHH!"
"Woof!"
"WOOF!" Konohamaru echoed. "Wait, why are we barking?"
"We did not bark," said Sai.
"Woof!"
"It sounded like it came from...the trunk?" asked Gaara.
"Oh fuck," said Sai.
They pulled into Senju's Palace and cautiously walked to the back of the car. "Well, here goes nothing," said Konohamaru, opening the trunk. He was attacked by a white ball of fluff.
"Akamaru!" Sai exclaimed, throwing his arms around the dog. Akamaru finished licking Konohamaru and licked Sai. The dog sniffed Gaara before determining him friendly and offering him a salutatory lick.
"Why do we have Kiba's dog?" Konohamaru asked.
"Because we were drunk and then got placed under a genjutsu, and it caused us to do many things we wouldn't normally do and then forget them," said Sai. "Wow, you must still be affected! You didn't even remember!"
"No, Sai, I remember, I was being sarcastic," said Konohamaru.
"Although it does sound very ridiculous when you lay it all out like that," said Gaara. "Like we're in a bad filler arc of some tediously long series or something."
"Shit," said Konohamaru. "Kiba's dog. Kiba's a freaking hothead too. We've gotta get this guy back to him."
"Fond of stealing animals, I see," said a gruff voice. "Four fools thought they could outsmart Lord Killer Bee. Though when he tracked them down, he only found three. Naruto better be returning my tiger, or you'll have to face me!"
They turned around to see the eccentric jinchuuriki of the Eight Tails. "Lord Bee! My man! What is up, dawg?" asked Konohamaru.
"Don't dawg me, ya fool! I've got some very unflattering footage of you!" Bee accused.
"Footage?" asked Gaara shakily. "What kind of footage?"
Killer Bee took a tape out of his pocket. "Footage you'd want erased, Lord Kazekage, but there is a fee you fools must pay."
"Absolutely," said Gaara.
"One hour," said Bee. "You have one hour to return that tiger to me, at my vacation home on the River Li."
"There is no River Li," Sai said.
"I KNOW THERE'S NO RIVER LI YOU FOOL!" shouted Bee. "I just needed to finish my rhyme! When I'm conversating, I gotta improv sometimes! Rhyming all the time is hard, but I gotta reputation to uphold! I'm Lord Killer Bee, and my raps are gold!"
"You could always...fuck rhyming," said Sai.
"Fuck rhyming?! FUCK RHYMING?! Is this fool for real?"
"You must excuse Sai, Lord Bee," said Konohamaru. "He had childhood trauma that impaired his ability to know when to shut the fuck up."
"I only mean to say, I think the world would understand, instead of making up something that doesn't exist to make a rhyme, that you are a normal person and don't need to rap all the time...," Sai continued.
"Fool! Ya fool! I've gotta keep my skills sharp! But enough about me. I expect my tiger before dark."
"Wait!" said Konohamaru. "You could...ya know, take it now."
"Do I look like I came here to transport a tiger? You brought it here. You can bring it back...ger...ehh, fuck rhyming. Killer Bee, OUT!" And he was gone.
The boys all looked at each other. "Okay, so back to Kiba's dog," said Konohamaru.
"Oh no," said Gaara. "He said there was a tape. We need to get him that tiger before he does something with that tape."
"Alright, alright, alright," said Konohamaru. "So how are we gonna do that?"
"Gaara can use his sand," said Sai.
"Because the tiger is just going to sit nicely on sand," said Konohamaru.
"If I enclose it in a sphere, it should work," said Gaara.
"Alright, cool," said Konohamaru. "We'll take the tiger back to Bee, then we'll get Akamaru back to Kiba. What could go wrong?"