"Well," Kiba continued, "I know who Naruto is with. We got a message from the rogues this morning. They have him, and they're demanding $80,000 in return for his ransom."
"$80,000! Buddha, that's more than I make in a year!" Konohamaru exclaimed.
"It's more than any of us make in a year," said Kiba.
"Well, most of us," said Gaara.
"So what are we waiting for?" asked Sai. "Let's go get Naruto."
"Wait, why did we have Akamaru?" asked Gaara.
"The rogues we were tracking? They're bounty hunters," said Kiba. "They collect valuable artifacts from ninja villages and sell them to other ninja villages for profit. We had a tip they were doing business out of Senju's Palace, and that's when we ran into you. When we went up to have a drink with you guys, we found out they were staying in the room next door, and all of us went in to bust them."
"Oh, we're badass!" exclaimed Konohamaru.
"Yeah, but they were way better shinobi than we were expecting. They trapped you guys in a weird genjutsu, and Shino, Akamaru and I escaped. We were going back to the capitol to tell Kakashi what we were facing. We left Akamaru with Kakashi because the rogues had taken an interest in him. When we came back to finish off the rogues, they were gone. We tracked them all the way to the border of the Land of Fire and the Land of Tea. Of course, we don't have jurisdiction in the Land of Tea, so Kakashi had to secure a warrant for us to search there. He got the warrant, and then I asked him for Akamaru. He said he thought we had changed our mind about leaving Akamaru since he didn't have him. That's when we realized Kakashi's car had been exchanged for yours, and we started tracking you guys."
"So the rogues must have taken Naruto to the Land of Tea," said Konohamaru.
"No, that's not right," said Sai. "Naruto was with us the entire night. In all of the places we've been, Naruto has been there too, according to everyone who saw us. So when those rogues went to the Land of Tea, they didn't take Naruto."
"They must have come back for him later that night," said Kiba.
"But wait," said Shino, "that doesn't make sense either. We tracked their scent all the way to the Land of Tea. It's impossible that they went all the way home and came all the way back in one night."
"And why are they ransoming Naruto for only $80,000? They obviously don't have a clue who he is," said Gaara.
"Wait, what the fuck? Naruto can't get captured by rogues! He's fucking Naruto!" Konohamaru cried. "He'd have pounded their asses into the ground."
"Well, there is the genjutsu to consider," said Sai. "And the booze."
"So what's our next move?" asked Konohamaru. "Go kick some rogue butt, get our bro back and get him to the church on time?"
"Woah, hold on," said Gaara. "We need to hash out a strategy. These are not your average rogues. They are highly skilled psychic ninja, and I for one, do not feel like getting my memory wiped again."
"Why fight them?" asked Sai. "We could just pay them."
"$80,000!" everyone cried at once.
"But guys," said Sai, "we are staying at Senju's Palace."
"Yeah, what of it?" asked Konohamaru.
"It is a casino," Sai said.
"And I'm a ninja," said Konohamaru. "And the sky is blue. And grass is..."
"Shut up," said Gaara. "Sai, you can't be serious. Gambling is never a sure thing."
"Only if you are bad at it," said Sai.
"But that's the thing. It's unpredictable," said Kiba.
"No predictions. Just counting," said Sai.
"Counting what?" asked Konohamaru.
"YOU CAN COUNT CARDS?!" the others shouted in unison.
"Everyone always asks me how I learned to draw so well," said Sai. "It is because I have a photographic memory. I can remember which cards have already been played. If you can do that, then knowing which cards the dealer may draw is simple. And winning money is much more simple. I can make $80,000 in no time."
"BRUH!" shouted Konohamaru. "You've been holding out on us! You had this amazing superpower the whole time? How are you not rich by now?"
"Because it's illegal," said Kiba. "In some casinos, ninja aren't allowed at all."
"But Senju's Palace isn't one of those casinos," said Shino.
"Are we actually considering this?" asked Gaara.
"We will have to make a plan," said Sai. "And I will need you guys to help. But yes, I am confident we can do this."
So the boys rushed back to the still trashed hotel room. While picking up the place, they formulated their plan. Kiba and Shino acted as spotters. They sat at different tables getting a feel for the way the game was going. When a table was hot, Sai and Konohamaru moved in. Konohamaru's job was to play the idiot and distract everyone from Sai. Gaara and Hana played newlyweds on their honeymoon, with Hana as an alluring ditzy girl having beginner's luck. And because she still thought Gaara's name was Goku, nobody was the wiser.
"$82,400," said Sai, plopping the last wad of cash onto the bed. "That is enough, right?"
"That's more than enough!" exclaimed Kiba.
"So we get to keep the $2,400, right?" asked Konohamaru.
"I don't see why not!" said Kiba. Akamaru barked in agreement.
Konohamaru picked up a stack and started counting himself out a cut, but Gaara slapped his hand. "After we rescue Naruto, alright?" Gaara scolded.
"Right!" exclaimed Konohamaru. "What are we going to carry all of this money in?"
One by one, their eyes fell on the empty pizza boxes in the corner.
So our boys loaded up their winnings and followed Akamaru's nose to the border of the Land of Fire and the Land of Tea. The rogues were dressed in black body suits that only revealed their eyes. They were identical except for the one who had his arms tied behind his back, who had bright blue eyes and spiky hair.
"NARUTO!" shouted Konohamaru. Konohamaru rushed forward to embrace Naruto, but the lead rogue stopped him.
"First, the money," the rogue demanded.
"No!" Konohamaru spat, but Gaara rested his hand on his shoulder.
"Fine," said Gaara.
"Bruh...!" protested Konohamaru, but Gaara gave him a stern look, and he relented.
Kiba and Shino stepped forward with the pizza boxes full of cash. The rogues opened each one and meticulously counted it all. They nodded to each other silently, and the leader stood up and brought Naruto forward. Konohamaru, Sai, and Gaara all stood with open arms to receive their friend. Tears welling up in their eyes, they wrapped their arms around him, and found themselves hugging only themselves. An empty body suit dropped to their feet.
"WHAT?!" shouted the boys.
"WHAT?!" shouted the rogues.
"What have you done with Naruto?!" Konohamaru shouted, throwing punches and kicks.
"Nothing, we swear! What jutsu is this? Ow, you FUCKER!" the rogues responded, returning Konohamaru's punches and kicks.
"FUCK!" Kiba shouted, falling to the ground.
Gaara conjured some sand and sent it between Konohamaru and the rogues. "Shadow clone," he said. "All this time...we've been tracking...a shadow clone."
Konohamaru started to cry. "But where's Naruto? Where's our best friend?"
Gaara looked at Shino, and Shino shrugged. The rogues backed away slowly before disappearing from the scene with all of the money.
"Sai," said Gaara, "prepare a scroll. We must send a message to Hinata."
"Oh, Buddha, no," whimpered Kiba. "You can't tell me he's lost."
"We've been everywhere," said Konohamaru. "If he's not with the rogues, then he's...lost. But he'll come back, right?"
"But there's no telling what he's gotten himself into," said Gaara. "Look, I know, Naruto is the most amazing person we know. And I know he loves Hinata more than anything. He will return to her, but...by the look of the position of the sun, the wedding is today. Hinata must know why her groom will not be there. Sai, prepare a scroll."
"Shino, let's go to her," said Kiba. "She's going to go through the roof. We need to keep her from doing anything reckless."
Sai froze as he was unravelling the scroll. He stared at Kiba. "Say that again?"
"Hinata is going to be pissed," said Kiba. "I know she looks sweet and soft, but-"
"No no no," Sai interrupted. "No paraphrase. Say what you said before, again."
Kiba scratched his head. "I said...she's going to go through the roof."
"The roof," repeated Sai.
"Ohhh, it's a metaphor Sai," said Kiba. "It means-"
"The roof!" Sai repeated.
"Yes, but in this case-!" said Kiba.
"The ROOF!" exclaimed Gaara.
"Okay, what?" Kiba stammered.
"THE ROOF IS ON FIRE!" shouted Konohamaru.
"Oh, Buddha, this must be an effect of the genjutsu. RELEASE!" Kiba said.
Gaara slapped Konohamaru. "No, you idiot, the roof! THE ROOF!" He shook Konohamaru until Konohamaru's jaw dropped.
"OHHHH MY FUCKING GOD! THE FUCKING ROOF!" Konohamaru shouted.
"WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?! LET'S GO TO THE ROOF!" Sai exclaimed.
"Kiba, Shino, FOLLOW US! WE KNOW WHERE NARUTO IS!" Gaara ordered.
And they ran away at breakneck speed. Kiba, Shino and Akamaru stared at each other, shrugged, and followed.
"WE ARE FIGHTING DREAMERS SEEKING FOR A HIGH DREAM! WE ARE FIGHTING DREAMERS DON'T CARE HOW WE BEHAVE! WE ARE FIGHTING DREAMERS AS YOU BELIEVE IN EEE-OHHH, EEE-OHHH, EEE-OHHH, EEE-OHHH, JUST GO MY WAY!" the boys sang as they bounded onto the roof of Senju's Palace.
"NARUTO! NARUTO, BRO, WE'RE HERE! WE WERE UNDER A GENJUTSU, SO WE FORGOT WHERE YOU WERE, BUT NOW WE'RE HERE, AND IT'S OKAY! IT'S OKAY!" Konohamaru rushed around the roof shouting. The rest of the team stood together, dumbfounded. "NARUTO! NARUTO! COME OUT, COME OUT, WHEREVER YOU ARE!"
"Stop," commanded Gaara.
"But... NO! WHAT? HE HAS TO BE HERE!" Konohamaru persisted. "How can he not be here?!"
"He's not here," said Gaara. "Look around. No Naruto."
"But that doesn't make any sense!" Konohamaru exclaimed. "This is how it ends! We put him on the roof last night after he passed out, and then we forgot because of the genjutsu, but we retraced all of our steps and this is the part where we're supposed to find him, and take him to Hinata, and they live happily ever after, just like a movie!"
"Where are you going, following someone else's map?" asked Sai.
"Huh?" said Konohamaru.
"Maybe an insightful crow came and tore it up," Sai said sagely.
"I thought it was a multicolored raven," said Shino.
"How are those two things even the same?" asked Sai.
Shino shrugged. "Translators, man."
"What are you guys babbling about?" Konohamaru asked.
"But wait," said Gaara. "I think there's something to that."
"You're saying a BIRD took Naruto?" Konohamaru asked.
"No," said Gaara. "I'm saying, yes, Konohamaru, you are right, but, maybe there's an important difference in our story." Everyone stared at Gaara, puzzled. "Naruto is a ninja," said Gaara.
"And Akamaru is a dog," said Konohamaru. "I don't get it."
"I imagine Naruto woke up on this roof at about the same time we did," Gaara continued. "And just like us, he started to use clues to retrace his steps."
"So you're saying, Naruto is looking for us?" asked Konohamaru. "But Gaara! The door to the roof is locked!"
Everyone looked at Konohamaru blankly. "You are stupid," said Sai. "Naruto stuck on a roof would be stupid. There has been a lot of stupid in the past few days, but that would be absurd. Naruto is a ninja. He created a Shadow Clone to go with the rogues, and he obviously wasn't going to sit around waiting for us on the roof. He has gone somewhere."
Konohamaru's face brightened with understanding. "And we have trackers! Kiba, Shino, Akamaru, do your thing!"
Akamaru barked.
"What's that, boy?" asked Kiba.
Akamaru barked twice.
"Rock Lee's stuck in a well!?"
Akamaru barked three times.
"Oh no! Not Lee!" shouted Konohamaru.
"No, not Lee, dumbass," said Kiba. "Naruto's this way. Come on!"
They followed Akamaru to the Hyuuga compound. Sakura, Ino and TenTen were in their matching kimonos with flutes of champagne, looking flustered.
"THERE THEY ARE!" they shouted when the boys landed.
"WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?!" shouted Sakura.
"WHY AREN'T YOU IN YOUR TUXEDOS?!" yelled Ino.
"EVERYONE IS WAITING!" TenTen exclaimed.
"What time is it?" Gaara asked.
"2:00!" they shouted together.
"2:00! But the wedding is supposed to start at 2:00!" said Sai.
"Yeah, and Naruto's at the altar waiting! Get into your tuxes and walk us down the fuckng aisle!" Ino spat.
"NARUTO'S HERE?!" the boys yelled.
"Umm, yeah, he's been here for a whole day now, waiting for you. He had this crazy story about some rogue ninjas, and genjutsu, and a roof, and a clone, and...Gaara, did you get married?" asked TenTen.
"Yeah, I did," Gaara said, getting a dreamy look in his eye.
Konohamaru slapped him. "Dude, focus, Naruto's here! We did it! We saved him!"
"Actually, it sounds like he saved himself, and we've been running around for absolutely nothing," said Sai.
"No, it wasn't for nothing," said Gaara. "All of those insane things we did together forged bonds of friendship that will last a lifetime."
"Yeah, and that's the greatest treasure of all," agreed Konohamaru.
Mysteriously, a soft guitar and piano ballad filled the air.
"Gaara, Konohamaru, you know I don't have many friends. I have troubles with socializing with people. When Naruto asked me to be in his party of the wedding, I did not think I would be very good at it. And when we lost Naruto, I felt like I had failed. But you have accepted me as one of your own. Over the last few days with you, I felt like my life had a purpose again," Sai said. "So thank you, Gaara and Konohamaru. You are my best friends."
The boys embraced.
"Aww, that's sweet," said Ino. "NOW GET INTO YOUR TUXES AND WALK US DOWN THE FUCKING AISLE ALREADY!"
"Yeah, and turn off that cheesy-ass music!" said TenTen. "What the fuck is this? Where is that even coming from?"
The music stopped. Sakura pulled the boys apart. "Tuxes. Aisle. NOW!" she ordered.
And so the boys found Naruto at the center of the Hyuuga compound, at the end of an aisle, surrounded on either side with all of their friends and acquaintances. And after the vows have been said and the cake had been cut, they sat down and shared with him the details of their insane quest (the ones they could remember, at least).
"I can't believe you guys went through all of that trouble!" Naruto exclaimed. "Yeah, I made that clone to distract the rogues before we fell under the genjutsu. I woke up on the roof, slept off my hangover and then came here. I didn't think you'd freak out like that. I'm really sorry. Guess I should have left a note or something."
The boys clinked glasses and threw back shots of sake.
"Goku?" came a quiet voice. Gaara's eyes widened and turned around.
"Hana?" he asked. He sprang out of his chair. "Oh, Hana! I'm so glad you're here! I have so much I want to tell you!"
"Oh, Goku!" She grabbed Gaara and shoved her tongue down his throat. When she'd finished sucking his face, she looked over his shoulder and waved. "I finally found a babysitter for Otokonoko. Better late than never, right? Oh, hey, Totoro! Congratulations!"
"Thanks, Hana!" said Naruto.
"Hana," said Gaara. "I have a confession to make. I haven't been all that truthful with you."
"Okay," said Hana.
"First of all, my name is not Goku. It's Gaara. And this is my best friend Naruto, not Totoro," Gaara said.
"Okay?" asked Hana, puzzled.
"I am the Kazekage of the Village Hidden in the Sand," Gaara declared.
"Oh my," Hana said, eyes wide. Her face turned red. "I'm married to...oh my..."
"Well," said Gaara, "since the marriage license says 'Goku,' I don't think we're legally married."
"Ohhh," she sighed. "Right. Okay. I understand."
"But wait," said Gaara. "Hana, the way I feel when I'm with you, it's amazing. I really like the person that I am with you, and I don't want to lose that. You are beautiful, and kind, and I would be honored if you would come home with me and be my wife. Hana, will you marry me for real?"
Hana gasped, and tears started to fill her eyes. Sai pulled out his camera and snapped a picture, and Hana said, "Oh, Gaara..."
"Yes?" Gaara whispered.
"No," she said.
"NO?!" everyone shouted.
"Gaara, you and I are from different worlds! And I kinda like my world. I'm sorry," she said.
"But," said Gaara, "but you'd live like a queen! You would want for nothing! You wouldn't have to dance half naked on a pole for degenerates!"
"Gaara, I like stripping," said Hana. "I know you think you're saving me from some terrible life, but I don't need to be saved. I'm sorry. Goodbye, Gaara. Goodbye, Naruto. Goodbye, Sai. See you tomorrow, Konohamaru." Hana kissed Gaara gently before walking away. Gaara stared blankly as she disappeared into the crowd.
Konohamaru and Sai placed a hand on either one of Gaara's shoulders. "I'm sorry, bro," said Konohamaru.
"She is really dumb," said Sai. "Forget her. There is someone out there for you."
"Konohamaru," said Naruto. "Where's the car?"
"The car?" asked Konohamaru, turning around. "What car?"
Kakashi was sitting next to Naruto. "The car that I gave you for Naruto," said Kakashi. "I didn't want to tell you, because I knew you'd spoil the surprise, but it was a wedding gift for Naruto."
"Oh, that car is totaled," said Sai. "We slammed it into a tree on our way back from Lord Bee's after we returned the tiger."
"Tiger? Goodness, you boys had a wilder night than I imagined," said Kakashi. "Well, I'm sorry, Naruto. It's my fault for letting you guys use it before today."
"Hey, look," said Sai. "My camera! It has pictures from the bachelor party!"
"Aww, no way!" shouted Konohamaru. "Gaara, come on, get in on this!"
Gaara was still staring in the direction Hana had left.
"Gaara...," Naruto said sympathetically.
Gaara looked up at the sky. "I don't know who I am anymore," he said. "I feel like a pawn in someone else's twisted fantasy."
"Bruh," said Konohamaru. "These have been some weird days. Like, I gotta confess, I haven't understood half of the words coming out of my mouth." He looked at the sky.
"If I could meet the force that determines our destiny," said Sai, "do you know what I would say?"
"What's that, Sai?" asked Naruto.
Sai looked up at the sky and raised his fist. Gaara and Konohamaru followed suit. Together, they extended their middle fingers.