Day 33
Bracing herself against the bathroom sink and looking into the mirror Mac sighed. It was Saturday morning and she was about to head out for another visit to prison, but today was the first time she was torn and actually didn't really feel like going at all.
As much as she missed Will, more and more with every new day, right now she didn't think she was capable of sitting through another hour of pretending everything was fine, that she was fine.
It wasn't like she had to feign to be happy to see him, on the contrary, these visits were the highlights of her week. But everything else was getting harder the longer she was alone, and she knew she mustn't burden him with it.
She looked at her image in the mirror. At least the last nights, since she had remembered Will's music collection, she had slept a little better, and the bags underneath her eyes weren't quite so bad anymore. Still she put on a little more make-up than ususal to keep Will from worrying.
With a sigh and a final exercise in sporting a happy smile Mac turned around and left the bathroom. Gathering her coat, purse and the small package which mostly contained more reading material she had prepared for Will, she grabbed her keys and exited the apartment.
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On arrival in the visitation room she had a few minutes before Will got there and used the time to put on her game face. When the door on the opposite side of the room openened she was practically beaming and quickly went over for a kiss and hug.
„Hey, Honey, I'm glad you're here." Will pressed his fingers into Mac's back and hair and held her tight, deeply inhaling her scent.
„Me, too." She mumbled into his neck, hanging on to her husband and not letting him go. Stroking her hands up and down his back she sighed and only buried herself deeper into him.
When even after a few minutes she didn't show any sign of wanting to end the embrace, Will started to wonder. Not that they normally didn't enjoy the physical closeness possible when she came for a visit, but today she was unusually clingy. „Are you okay, Mac?"
„Mmmh... I just want to hold you for a while..." While answering she grabbed his prison shirt with her hands as if she was afraid he would start to move away from her.
„Yeah, it's nice..." He sighed in return and placed a soft kiss on the side of her head. A couple minutes later though he did back away a little and winked at her. „Not that I don't love having you in my arms, but I like to look at you, too, you know...?"
Mac grinned. „Well, you do have my picture in your cell, unless you've traded it for a pack of cigarettes from a fellow inmate?"
„You know what? I would actually do that, but nobody in here can afford it..." Will leered at her with a sparkle in his eyes. „Can't give it up for just a single pack of smokes, can I?"
Laughing out loud Mac took Will's hand and pulled him over to the table in the middle of the room, as always sitting down next to him to be able to lean into his side. Snuggling into him she took his hand in hers and absently started playing with his fingers, again caught in silence.
„Mac, are you sure you're alright? You're normally not this quiet."
„I'm fine, Billy... I just miss you, but that's no news."'
„Mmmh..." Will didn't say anything for a moment and Mac could almost hear him think. „Why don't we talk?"
„About what?"
„About what's bothering you?"
Mac tensed against him. „Will... I just told you, everything's fine."
„And I'm very sure it isn't." He took his arm from her shoulder, removing his hand from hers in the process, and sat up, forcing her to straighten herself up as well and look at him. „Mac, I can tell that you're hiding something. What is it?"
„Will, I can't...! Please?"
He didn't answer for a moment, but then he decided to try a different approach. „Remember what we have promised each other when we got engaged? That we would talk from now on? No more secrets, Mac... Or does it have anything to do with the source or another story you can't talk about?"
Mac sighed. „No, it's got nothing to do with work."
„Aha!" Will couldn't help a triumphant shout. „So there is something you're not telling me! Spill it..."
Mac gave him an annoyed look. She knew that if she hadn't been so down already before coming here, he wouldn't have been able to trick her so easily. But if she was honest with herself she didn't even really mind, as at least part of her wanted to talk to him about her feelings. Most days she was guilt-stricken because she didn't tell him the truth, brooding over not keeping said promise she had given him, but maybe now was the time. Taking a deep breath she finally gave in.
„I've told you... I miss you... and more than I have let on. I know we promised each other to talk about everything; I just did't want to burden you even more and make it even harder for you in here. And now don't try to tell me off for that, it's not like you're talking about your feelings either..."
„Oh Mac... Nothing you do or say will ever be a burden to me, don't you know that?" Will put both arms around her and pulled her closer, tucking her head under his chin. „And yeah, I miss you, too. I miss you terribly, actually, and I can't wait to get out of here."
„Me, too, Billy..." Mac whispered. „It's been over a month now... 'Just a few days' my arse..."
„I know, I know... I'm so sorry, but I honestly didn't expect this to last so long..." Will paused for a moment before going on. „So how do you really spend your days? Are you keeping yourself busy as you said?"
„I do, but that doesn't mean I don't miss you." Mac squeezed his hand. „At work everything reminds me of you; getting papers from your office, expecting an argument in the rundown meeting, being in Sloan's ear instead of yours... I'm thinking about you all day, and then when I get back home..."
She sighed. „I assume you suspected that I don't really sleep well?" Will nodded and hummed into her ear. „Well, you're right, I hardly slept at all during the first weeks, but a while ago I thought about that Daniels CD, remember? The guy that sounds like you? I play his music when I go to bed now and thinking it's you singing to me helps me go to sleep..."
Will smiled into her hair. „When I'm home I will record a CD for you, all your favourite songs, okay?"
„You mean, just in case you're taking a prison vacation again one day?" She gently nudged her ellbow into his side and Will's smile grew wider.
„Let's say, in case I have to go on an overnight business trip."
„Good answer..." Mac smiled. „But what about you, Billy? How are you really doing? I mean, I wasn't lying when I said that work and our friends are keeping me distracted, and you don't have any of that..."
Will placed another kiss on her temple. „I miss you so much, you know that. I'm thinking about you all the time; what you're doing, what's happening at work, how the rundown meeting is going, if Pruitt is being a jackass again and how you're dealing with him... How you're feeling, how you cope with being alone in that big apartment... I just miss you, Mac..."
„Oh, Billy..." Mac turned in his arms and pulled his head down for a comforting kiss. „I'm serious, don't worry about me, even if sometimes I'm a little blue... I'm glad we talked about it though, that will help us get through this; knowing that we're not alone in this... I just hope it's not going on forever..."
Will looked at her and didn't say anything for a long moment. Then she saw a shift in his eyes and felt that he had come to a decision. „Mac, do you want me to talk to Lasenthal? I will do it if you say you need me to come home..."
Mac stared at him, not believing her ears. „No! You're doing the fucking right thing here, Will, and I'm so proud of you." She quickly raised her hand and cupped his cheek. „I really am, Billy. So don't you dare give up, just because I miss you and am moping around."
„You have every right to." Will turned his head and pressed a kiss into the palm of her hand. „You're what's most important in my life, MacKenzie. I've been without you and I never want to experience that again. So if you tell me you've got enough and want me to come home, then I will."
Mac's eyes went soft and she gave him a loving smile, entangling her fingers with his. „Of course I want you to come home, Billy, but not like this. Definitely not like this, as much as I love you for even offering to do that for me... The first couple of days, maybe even the first week would be wonderful and then you would start to resent me, because I made you cave and give up the source."
Will shook his head. „I could never resent you, MacKenzie, you know that."
„If not me, then yourself. You're standing up for something you believe in, one of the most important journalistic principles. You owe it to yourself to see it through. Never mind me."
Will looked at her for a minute before he smiled and leaned in for a lingering kiss. „Thank you, Mac. And I promise, once I'm out I'll make it up to you... Starting with the wedding night I still owe you."
„I'm already looking forward to that..." Mac murmered against his lips with a smile, relieved that finally there weren't any secrets between them anymore.
„Okay... Just promise me one thing?"
„Anything, Billy." She genuinely looked up at him.
„From now on talk to me?"
„You have my word."