I apologize that you had to wait so long for this update, but apart from a few real hectic months work-wise lately I was also busy writing another 8-chapter story (Because of the rating only published on AO3 , in case you are curious). But that story is finished now, so I should hopefully be able to post more frequently again.

Day 47

„Mac?"

„Oh, Molly... Hi, how are you?" Mac leaned back in her chair and raised her free hand to pinch the bridge of her nose with her fingers. She was tired and welcomed this short break from her work. Like so often during the last weeks she was spending another Saturday in the office after having gone to see Will early in the morning.

Molly had been calling her regularly about once a week since Will had gone to jail to see how she was keeping up. In the beginning Mac had always been hoping that she called to tell that Will was being released, but she had quickly realized that even if that was the case, it wouldn't have been Molly's place to tell her.

They weren't completely back to normal in regard of their friendship yet, but they both valued it too much to not try to work things out, and Mac appreciated Molly's efforts.

„I'm fine, thanks. Listen, Mac, I don't have much time. I've promised to let you know when I hear anything from my guys at Manhattan Detention..." Mac tensed and sat up but didn't interrupt her friend. „I just had a call, apparently Will has been behaving a little strange these last days. He is a lot less communicative with the guards but talking to himself a lot..."

Mac didn't say anything at first but then took a deep breath. She had been worrying about something like this happening, after all she had heard stories about inmates in solitary who had literally started climbing the walls after only a few days, and Will was in there on his 47th day by now.
„What is he saying, Molly?"

„Well, he is arguing with some imaginary person, so obviously my contact has only heard Will's responses to whatever the other is saying in his head, but one of the times he's heard him it seemed to have been about domestic battery and wives and 'strike three'. Will apparentely took a stand against the other one..."

Sighing MacKenzie closed her eyes and rested her head against the chair.

„Mac? Are you still there?"

„Yes...yes, I'm sorry. Thank you for letting me know, Molly. Any other news?" Obviously she was hinting at whether Molly had heard anything that could give her any hope about Will coming home soon without blatantly asking.

„I'm sorry..." Molly's voice conveyed her sympathy.

„It's okay. But thank you for telling me about Will, I really appreciate it."

„I promised you."

Mac could almost see her friend shrug through the phone and smiled. „Still, thank you."

„Okay, I gotta go. Let me know if I can do anything to help."

„I will, thanks. Talk to you later." After hanging up Mac placed the phone on the desk and got up to walk to the window. Looking outside she contemplated about what Molly had just told her.

The longer Will's time in prison had lasted the more worried she had become about his state of mind. Not that he had ever said anything during one of her visits, not even today; no, it was more what he had not said.
Even when they had agreed to talk about their feelings from now on all he had admitted to was that he missed her, but he had never mentioned anything else that was bothering him. And with all the time he had alone in his cell she knew that he was certainly brooding about many things – work, family, the past - theirs and his own - and what Molly had just told her confirmed her worst fears.

Will had never really talked to her about it, but she was fairly certain that he hadn't even begun to work through his father's death. And what Molly had just said about him seemed to indicate that he was dealing with it now where he had so much time to think. Lasenthal be damned!

Of course she knew that he needed to address the subject and the sooner the better, but not while he was alone, sitting in prison without any support.

Mac was tempted to go and see her husband immediately, but apart from the fact that she wasn't even sure if she could see him twice in one day, she was convinced that he wouldn't talk to her about what was bothering him so immensely.
Hesitating for a moment she made a decision and went back to her desk to pick up the phone.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Will was on his way to the visiting room. As always the guard had not let him in on who had come to see him, but as Mac had already been there in the morning he was certain it was one of his colleagues; Don maybe, or Elliot. However, when he opened the door he stopped in surprise.

„What the hell are you doing here?" Frowning he was looking at Dr. Jacob Habib, his psychiatrist, who was standing on the other side of the room.

The doctor smiled at him. „You have missed your last appointments, and given the circumstances I thought I would come to see how you are doing. Quite an interesting experience, to be honest..."

Will slowly came closer. „Appointments my arse. You know as well as I do that we've only met sporadically during the last couple of years... Not that it isn't good to see a friendly face, but don't tell me that you have come here on your own accord... And I know that I didn't summon you..."

Habib slightly bowed his head, confirming his suspicions. „You're right. We haven't seen each other in a while, but MacKenzie asked me to come and visit you. Would there be a reason for that?"

„You tell me, I'm sure she didn't just send you an invitation with my cell number..." Will approached the middle of the room and sat down on his side of the table, gesturing for Habib to also take a seat.

„Seeing how long you are already in here she is worried about you. This isn't an everyday situation and she thought you might appreciate the possibility to talk?"

„What makes her think I don't talk to her?

„Do you?"

„Of course! She's my wife!"

Making a mental note about Will's defensiveness Habib smiled again. „Yes, I've heard, congratulations. I'm very happy that you and MacKenzie managed to sort it all out. I imagine that was not the way you had planned the wedding?"

„Good guess..." Will replied dryly. „But yeah, I'm glad, too. Thank you."

„Once you're out of here I would like to hear how it all happened, beginning with when and how you got engaged. But right now maybe you would rather like to talk about what is currently going on in your life?" When Will didn't say anything he continued. „I assume you are not openly talking to MacKenzie about how you are doing, or she wouldn't have sent me here?"

Again not getting a response Habib finally sat down opposite of Will and decided to ease into the conversation. „So, how are you?"

„What do you think? I'm trapped in here instead of spending time with my wife and support her and my friends who are trying to save the integrity of our show."

„That must be hard." Habib acknowledged sympathetically, seeing the obvious frustation in the other man. „Did you tell MacKenzie how you feel about it?"

„We talked about it, yeah..." Noticing that Will's wasn't able to meet his eye the young doctor went for a follow up.

„Did you tell her in detail or did you just say that you are 'fine'?"

A moment passed, but finally Will gave him an indirect answer to his question. „I don't want to burden her, she is already worried enough."

Seeing his stubborn face Habib was secretely waiting for him to cross his arms in front of his chest like a pouting child.
„Will, she is your wife and she loves you. Don't you think that she'll worry no matter what you are telling her? Maybe even more so when she senses you are holding back?"

„She has enough to deal with on the outside. Me being here with no end in sight, the renovation of the new apartment, our new boss is making everybody's life a living hell, Sloan Sabbith has been acting up and needed to be set straight again... Mac has enough to cope with."

Habib nodded. „Right, from a husband's point of view I can understand that, but from a professional point of view I cannot approve of you holding everything in. And as luck would have it, I'm here and would be happy to lend you an ear... How about it?"

„Luck, eh?" Will snorted, but he was actually torn and shifted slightly in his chair.
He had gotten used to deal with his feelings by himself when Mac and he had been separated, except for the occasional half drunk late night conversation with Charly of course which had mostly been rants about the unfaithfulness of women and one in partucular. Being in prison now didn't make it hard to slip back into this pattern.

Even after Mac and he had promised each other to talk from now on, only a couple weeks ago, he still hadn't opened up about himself completely, fully aware of the double standard he was exercising by expecting Mac to let him in.
But now he did admit that he didn't really mind having Habib here with him, and once more he was amazed at how well Mac knew him and his needs. Maybe the young man could indeed help him to sort through the mess inside his head.

When the silence between them had lasted a couple minutes Habib decided to restart the conversation. „I know visits only last this long and we won't have a whole hour as we normally do. So how about we don't waste any time...? MacKenzie has told me that you're in solitary confinement. What does that mean exactly?"

Will sighed, as if that should be common knowledge. „It means that I have a cell of my own, eat in there and also don't have anybody sharing the yard exercise with me. I don't see anybody except my guards. One perk though is having a visiting room to ourselves, normally inmates have to share and there is no privacy..."

„But why did they put you in solitary? I thought that was only used for punishment or for child molesters or other inmates who need to be protected from their fellow prisoners?"

„I'm actually one of those... I put too many people away when I was a prosecutor, so it's for my own safety. I guess I can't complain about that."

„Oh, right, I didn't think about that. It must be hard not having anybody to talk to most of the day."

Will shrugged. „I'm not the party animal anyway. Once in a while a guard has a few minutes, and otherwise there are ways to stay busy..."

„Ah? What are those?"

„I read a lot. Luckily there is no limitation on the number of books and papers I'm allowed to have, so Mac usually brings some everytime she comes and takes the ones home I have already finished."

„What else? You can't read all day?"

„During the first weeks I caught up on some sleep I lacked; it kind of felt like being on vacation, except for the food and the scenery that is. And sometimes I just need to get rid of some energy, so I do some exercises, sit-ups, push-ups, running in one spot..."

Habib nodded. „You actually look good, despite of all the stress this situation must bring with it. But you must also have a lot of time to think."

„Of course." Although he wanted Habib's help Will was determined not to give anything up voluntarily, but his therapist knew him well enough to not let him get away with it.

„So what are you thinking about?"

„My wife. My work. My friends."

„Anything else?"

Will looked at him for a while, but then he sighed before showing an amused smile. „Okay... How did she know?"

Habib's return smile was almost conspiratively. „I have no idea, but she said you might want to talk about your father...?"

His patient was quiet for a moment, but finally decided to go along with it for now. It probably wouldn't hurt to talk about it. „You know about the issues I had with my father... I have been thinking about him a lot recently."

„Why is that?"

„I have a lot of time to think in here, as you said yourself."

„Touché. But there are many things you can occupy yourself with; why is your father on your mind now? Because he has also been in prison?"

Will didn't answer for a while, but then he slowly started to speak. „I'm not sure. I have been thinking about him more frequently for a while now, but the last days it has become more... intense..."

„Why is that?"

Still reluctant Will finally admitted „I asked my sister to send me a picture of him..."

„What was the reason for that?

„I'm married."

Habib didn't say anything but raised an eyebrow, waiting for a further explanation.

Will sighed. „I know I would never physically hurt Mac. But I have done a fucking good job at punishing and hurting her emotionally for three years after she came back, so maybe there is something inside me that is more like my father than I would have thought... And what if we ever have kids, and I treat them just as he has handled us? I wanted to use this time in here to sort that out for myself..."

„And? Did it work?"

Will didn't reply for a moment, looking for a way to phrase his feelings, before he slowly started to speak. „I thought I was doing fine, but a few days ago Charlie was here and we had a good talk. But seeing the contrast between my father and this man who is more like a father to me than the real one ever was just intensified everything... So I put the picture my sister has sent me up on the wall, and that kind of gives me the feeling he is there with me, in my cell... I don't really know why I did it, maybe so that I have to deal with it and don't just push everything back into the farthest corner of my head again... I... I know it sounds crazy but I actually see him in front of me and we talk..."

„Visualisation is a common practice and can be a powerful and helpful tool, Will, there is nothing to be ashamed about. What are you talking about with him?"

„...About how he treated my mother. Why he went to prison and it was still everybody else's fault. How he hated what I have made out of my life... Stuff like that..."

„Does it help you in dealing with your feelings towards him?"

Will shook his head. „Not really... I hate that I'm not able to tell him to his face what I think about him, and I hate myself for not having done it while he was still alive."

„That's understandable, Will. But you won't be able to change it, so what you are doing now is the only way you have to deal with your anger towards him. And it's good that you are doing it... But you need to know that visualisation cannot only help us to deal with past memories, it can also help us to strengthen our resolve and confidence when we imagine a positive outcome of a situation before it actually happens."

Seeing the confused look on Will's face he smiled.
„Let me give you an example, please bear with me: One of my patients is a teenage girl with a strong inferiority complex. She is a smart, funny and caring girl, but at the same time she is overweight, shy, has no friends and her fellow students are making fun of her, because, just as kids are, none of them is looking behind the exterior. She's just not self-confident enough to make people see how she really is.
One day the school held a sports meeting, and the girls were supposed to show what they had learned on the balance beam. They had practiced it before in gym class, but now, during the meeting, the actual jump onto the beam was part of the exercise while before they could get on there any way they liked and only started their routine once they were standing on it.
My client was horrified. She'd already hated the idea of doing this in front of an audience and had never even tried to jump on the beam before. She was convinced that everybody else would just be waiting for her to fail, and that she'd be the laughing stock of the whole school once more.
But then she remembered what I had told her about visualisation... She shut out everything else and concentrated on how she wanted to hop onto the beam. She imagined herself taking her position, using the spring board, landing on the beam and staying on – over and over again. In the end hardly any girl from her class managed this exercise succesfully, but she did. She jumped onto the beam, landed on her feet and kept her balance, and everybody applauded her, even the kids that were always mocking her. It could have been pure coincidence, but she was convinced that it had been the visualisation that had helped her in this situation."

Will frowned. „That's a nice story, but what does it have to do with me?"

„A lot, actually. When you go back to your cell I don't want you to solely deal with your father, but I want you to also start thinking about your future life with MacKenzie and maybe, as you have said, even a child. Imagine everyday situations like singing the baby a lullaby, bringing your kid to school, having a family breakfast – positive things - but also those that might have the potential to trigger something in you.
Having an argument with your wife – but then you're making up. Your kid being too venturous on the jungle gym and falling down, although you have forbidden him to climb up there without supervision – and then you talking about it to him calmly and rationally. Think about situations like these and how you would resolve them. That will give you more confidence and at the same time it will help you to have played through scenes like that in your mind should you encounter them in reality."

Will only looked at Habib warily, but did't say anything, so he went on.

„These are just tools to help you believe in yourself, Will, to help you sort through that chaos that your mind is in right now. But fact is: You are thinking about the future, and completely on your own account, I might add. You are worried about being like your father, that in itself is a positive sign. Do you think that your father ever stopped to think about whether what he was doing was right? If he was hurting you, physically or mentally?"

Will slowly shook his head, but still didn't say anything.

„Think about how you have helped to raise your sisters, how you have protected them from an abusive parent – That's actually a pretty good indication that you won't act like your father yourself."

Not looking quite as anxious anymore Will still obviously didn't believe Habib. „But how can I be sure?"

Habib gave him a patient smile. „Okay, back to visualisation. Let's assume you have a baby of three-month and it's crying all night because it is colicky. You have to be up early for an important meeting with Charly and your new boss and you really need to sleep. What would you do? What's the first thing that comes to your mind?"

„I would try to soothe the baby, of course. What else?" The look Will gave Habib was a mixture of impatience, disbelief and „what the fuck are we doing here?", but the latter still only smiled at him.

„How would you do that?"

„How should I know? I never had a baby before! Give him some medicine, or rub his tummy or whatever you do in that case. I'd get out the baby books or call a doctor. Or I'd google it. And if nothing works and we both don't sleep all night, I'd just get a major caffeine boost before the meeting."

Habib's smile got wider. „Good. And while you were talking just now, did even for a fraction of a second the thought occur to you that you could maybe just put the baby in the room farthest from you bedroom so that you wouldn't hear it cry? Or that you could shake or slap it, be it out of frustration or to make it stop screaming? Or anything else that would put your well-being ahead of the baby's?"

„No!" Will's expression had changed to outrage while Habib was talking, but when the younger men only looked at him it slowly softened, and understanding dawned in his eyes.

Not once had he thought about a physical 'solution' to calm the baby, about taking care of his own needs instead of the baby's by just letting it cry and trying to get some sleep for himself. On the contrary, just thinking about it now, after having been reminded of these possibilities, sickened him, and he was actually angry at Habib for simply pointing them out.

The doctor however just smiled, satisfied with the revelation he knew Will just had.

„You're gonna be fine, Will..."

Will looked at him hopefully. „Are you sure about that?"

„Nobody can be one hundred percent sure, but I would say you don't have much to worry about. And don't forget that you have MacKenzie at your side..."

Will smiled. „That's what Charlie said."

„Well, he seems to be a smart man."

„Yeah, he is..." Standing up Will held out his hand. „I'm sure the guard will be showing up any minute. Thank you, Jacob, you really helped me out here."

„My pleasure... Thank your wife for sending me here..." Shaking his hand Habib hesitated for a moment. „Would you mind if I called her and let her know that we had a good talk? No details of course, just to ease her mind...?"

„I would really appreciate that a lot, thank you."

„Okay. And Will... You should come and see me once in a while when you're back home, I don't think it would hurt."

„I will."