Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 5
EPISODE 6
Airdate: October 9, 2016
"The Homework Machine"
Special Guest Stars: Ephraim Ellis as Homework Hal, Kira Kosarin as Lynne
#TYH506
SCENE 1
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Wearing an Alabama Crimson Tide jersey and holding up an Alabama pennant, RK runs towards the couch.
RK: Ha! The best thing in this world is Saturday morning.
RK turns on the TV.
VOICEOVER: Hello, ladies and gentlemen! Hope you're tailgating today because it's time for another edition of College Gameday!
KG walks downstairs and sees the TV.
KG: Is that College Gameday? Since when do you watch college football?
RK: I've always been a fan, but I've been slacking off lately. See, Anna and her friends are big college football fans. So I agreed that we would both watch today's games and talk about them on our date this week. Pretty smart plan.
KG: But how will you be able to watch so many games in one day?
RK: Easy. I just flip through channels as fast as I can as soon as I see teams I don't give a shit about. By the way, check out my gear. You know what the best part about Alabama is? They're like, the Patriots of college football. Like, every season I bet they're going to make it to the national championship game and it usually pays off.
KG: Interesting, but I'm not really a fan. By the way, you think you can mow the lawn for me this morning? I'm feeling a little sick.
RK: Sick? You look fine to me.
KG: Yeah, but this cough is pretty nasty. Like, about as nasty as a pitch from Randy Johnson back when he was still a thing. KG coughs. It's probably laced with swine flu or malaria or whatever virus people are freaking out about these days.
RK: You dick, you're not sick! You just don't want to do it. Besides, it's Saturday morning. Saturday mornings are for your boy and your boy alone.
KG: You're such a lazy crap sometimes, you barely do anything but watch TV, eat, drink, and talk to yourself.
RK: Yeah, after I head down to the supermarket every week so I can pay for what you also eat and drink.
KG: Hmm, well played.
Beat.
RK: If I mow the lawn, will you go away?
KG: Yeah.
RK: Alright.
SCENE 2
The Jennings Household
Exterior Front Lawn
Seattle, Washington
RK has just finished mowing the lawn.
RK: Well, this grass is ready for the big dance. Why am I talking like that? I'm only amusing myself when I say these things.
RK puts the lawn mower back in the garage and goes back inside the house. An hour later, he is sleeping when he hears the doorbell.
RK: What was that? Who are you? What's your occupation?!
RK stares down the front door.
RK: So it looks like you want to do this the hard way.
RK slowly walks towards the door and opens it, revealing Wade. He hides behind the door.
RK: Oh, Wade, it's just you. I thought you were an undercover cop about to release a poisonous bomb in the house.
WADE: Your imagination continues to amaze and confuse me. I just wanted to know if you got a head start on that geography homework.
RK: What geography homework?
WADE: You know, the geography homework? The work we were doing at the public library yesterday? The homework you said you were going to finish early?
RK: Hmmm, that sounds like a flashback to me...
CUTAWAY GAG
RK and Wade are packing up their things as they leave the library.
RK: You know, Wade, I can't wait to do this homework and really give it my best shot. I'm going to go home and get the whole thing done in a flash thanks to your help. Oh boy, this is going to be a slam dunk. For the first time in my life, I'm actually excited about doing homework.
END OF CUTAWAY
RK: Are you sure I wasn't high or drunk or sarcastic at the time?
WADE: Definitely not. You sounded pretty sincere.
RK: I probably had food poisoning. These are the kinds of things you can't always detect at first glance, maybe I wasn't giving away any symptoms.
WADE: Look, the point is, did you do it or not?
RK: I think we both know the answer to that question. By the way, I don't think this is the kind of thing that really needed a house visit if you catch my drift.
WADE: RK, this sucks. You know, I was actually coming here to see if you did it so I could compare the two.
RK: So you were going to cheat off my homework? How dare you? Good thing I caught you in the act.
WADE: I wasn't, um...*sighs*...you are such a frustrating child sometimes, you have no idea. Are you going to do it today?
RK: Probably not. I'm still watching the college football games. I like tuning in to the Saturday night game on ABC so I can see which overrated teams go at it for low scores.
WADE: RK, why is it so hard for you to stay on top of your homework?
RK: Why is it so easy for you to ask me dumb questions like that? I'm sorry, Wade, I've been under a lot of stress lately. Look, here's the situation when it comes to being me. I have school, all five days of the week.
WADE: A week has seven days.
RK: You know what I mean. Anyway, for five days a week, I'm enslaved to the public school system. Classes after classes, having to take endless notes, bantering with you guys, drinking from the water fountain, having to maintain my recess credibility. It's very, very hard to be me. So when the weekend comes, RK the slave is out like the Northern Lights. RK the party boy is in, and he doesn't stop doing party shit until Monday, when slave boy clocks in for another week of the same garbage. You understand?
Beat.
WADE: I am so sorry that you have to go through life being you.
RK: I know, and I accept your apology. But I pull through and do what I have to do to get by.
WADE: I WAS BEING SARCASTIC!
RK: I suspected that.
SCENE 3
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
RK is at his locker when the others walk towards him.
JAYLYNN: So Sparky, are we still on for the movie today?
SPARKY: Sure. I'll pick you up at Anja's place and we can go from there.
JAYLYNN: Alright, cool.
RK: You guys making plans today?
JAYLYNN: Yup. We're going to see a movie.
RK: Oh. Anything else about that movie trip you want to tell me?
JAYLYNN: No, man, we're just going to see a movie.
SPARKY: Yeah, I don't know what you're driving at here, RK.
RK: Look, you can't blame me if I was expecting some funny-ass reason as to why you two were going to the movies.
JAYLYNN: I, um...I'm starting to think you watch too much TV.
WADE: So, RK, did you finally get that geography homework done?
RK: What geography homework?
WADE: DUDE!
RK: Look, I don't know why you're being such a stepdad over this. I mean, do I really ever do my homework on time?
WADE: Yes. Your math homework!
RK: Well, math is cool, and everything else is garbage, so there's nothing we can do about that. Besides, I had a full weekend. Watching college football again was excellent, they play so much crappy music at those games. The NFL was pretty meh. I'm starting to think I'm wasting my time being a Falcons fan. I mean, when does Atlanta ever win anything?
WADE: You know what, RK Jennings? I'm going to find a way to make you do your homework.
RK: Okay, give it your best shot, but you're not gonna like the results.
BUSTER: Hey Wade, can I copy off your geography homework? I forgot to do it.
WADE: How did you forget? That was our only homework this weekend!
BUSTER: I was busy watching football with RK.
WADE: You...him...I swear, you guys are trying to kill me.
SCENE 4
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is watching TV.
VOICEOVER: My son Hunter was struggling in school. Until he went to Huntington! Now that he goes to Hunter, Huntington is doing better in...I'm sorry, what's my line? This script is so f***ing corny, why am I doing this? Oh yeah, right, I need drugs.
Wade comes in with his backpack.
RK: Wade, what brings you here to mi casa?
WADE: We're best friends. From now until the end of time, I'm stuck to you. I'm here because I found the solution to your homework problem.
RK: Again with this homework nonsense? Look, Wade, I learned a long time ago that you can't just change who someone is. You can't keep an elephant from remembering things, you can't keep white people from ignoring racism, and you can't keep me from ignoring my homework. So why don't we just sit down, relax, and take in a nice SpongeBob episode? You know, the early stuff, not the suicide stuff.
WADE: Look, RK, it's my job as your best friend to make sure that what you do doesn't get you into trouble. I can't have you fall behind in school, so what I did was come up with a way for you to stay on track without having to lift a finger.
RK: Okay, I like the sound of that. What did you come up with, Mr. Inventor?
WADE: RK, feast your eyes on my latest contraption: Homework Hal.
Wade pulls out a small robot-type creature from his backpack.
RK: Um, are you sure this isn't some kind of sex robot or something?
WADE: No! What kind of sicko do you think I am?
RK: I'm just being realistic, Wade. Lots of creative people have demons. It's what separates them from those with no special talents.
WADE: Look, Homework Hal is a machine that's ahead of its time. He's capable of completing any kind of homework assignment up to a seventh grade level. Plus, he's quick and thorough. I tested him out when I decided to go for a five-minute walk. When I came back, all my homework was done and he was just finishing up on some extra credit.
RK: Alright, pretty impressive resume. But won't this be like cheating since I'm not really doing the work myself?
HAL: Nonsense, RK. You're a student that I can see needs extra assistance. My job is to get you on the right path and also do the work you're either too incapable or too lazy to complete.
RK: Did the sex robot just talk?
WADE: HAL'S NOT A SEX ROBOT!
HAL: Hmm. He's just as cheeky as you described him.
WADE: The best in the business. Well, RK, I'm going to leave you with Hal. You two can get acquainted with each other and he'll do your homework for you. But at the same time, he's going to make sure you understand it.
RK: Wait a minute, wait a minute, how do you know that Hal is a brainiac? Maybe he just does homework really fast.
WADE: Trust me, RK, Homework Hal's more than that. You'll see.
Wade leaves the house as RK keeps looking back and forth.
HAL: What seems to be the problem, RK?
RK: I, um...I'm not really sure about this new arrangement.
HAL: Don't worry. I'm not here to make you feel stupid, only here to help. So what homework do you have assigned today?
RK: Well, there's this science essay I have to do. We just have to write a page on any living thing we want.
HAL: Oh, okay. We could do a report on the peregrine falcon. Did you know that it's the fastest member of the animal kingdom?
RK: Really? I had no idea. I once did a report on falcons, but it wasn't really a hit with the class.
CUTAWAY GAG
RK is reading his report in class.
RK: The Atlanta Falcons have only made the Super Bowl once because they suck. They had the best record in the league, and they screwed it up because they suck. The organization sucks. They used to be a great team, but they suck now. You know what I think? I think the Atlanta Falcons can go SCREW THEMSELVES IN A DITCH!
Beat.
RK: I worked hard on this. Say something!
SCENE 5
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Lynne watches Jaylynn as she does her homework. Jaylynn realizes this and looks up at Lynne.
JAYLYNN: Could I help you?
LYNNE: No, I'm just wondering when you're leaving.
JAYLYNN: Sparky's about to pick me up. You know, to take me to the movies? Because when you have friends like I do, stuff like that happens.
LYNNE: Did you ever wonder how the guys really feel about you? They probably hate you on the inside. They just don't want to hurt your feelings.
JAYLYNN: Look, I know you're a lonely piece of shit, but don't come around and try cooking up your nonsense or else...
ANJA: Or else you guys will stop going at it every time you see each other? Seriously. Isn't this getting boring?
JAYLYNN: I thought that a long time ago, but even with an apartment, your sister still feels the need to get in my face.
LYNNE: Like I actually want to get in that peanut face you call a face.
The doorbell rings and Lynne opens the door for Sparky. She stops dead in her tracks and stares at Sparky with a blank expression.
SPARKY: I'm sorry, is my fly down?
LYNNE: What? Oh, no, it's a great fly. It's definitely up. You just look, really...strapping, today, and...yeah.
JAYLYNN: Lynne, wipe your drool off the floor and get out of the way. I have a movie to see.
LYNNE: Shut up. You know, Sparky, I never noticed how great your name is. It really makes you special.
SPARKY: Thank you so much. I was named after my great-grandfather. He was obsessed with rubbing things together so my parents wanted to save his memory.
LYNNE: I think your parents did an amazing job raising you.
SPARKY: How sweet is this girl? Come on, Jaylynn. I feel so great right now, I don't wanna lose my high by talking more.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, sure. This place gets weirder every single day.
Sparky and Jaylynn leave the house and Lynne takes a big sigh.
LYNNE: He's wonderful.
ANJA: Um, what just happened? Do you like Sparky or something?
LYNNE: No, not at all. I just...never noticed him before. I mean, he's cute and all but nothing to scream over. By the way, when he talks about Halley, is it usually nice stuff? I heard some guys hate their girlfriends in private.
SCENE 6
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK closes his books and puts them in his backpack.
RK: I can't believe it, Hal. You were right. All that homework just flew by. It only took us twenty minutes.
HAL: I know how long it took, RK. Why did you repeat it?
RK: I'm just saying, it was pretty fast. We went through all the subjects I had to do today.
HAL: Okay, now you're just being expository. What do you want to do now?
RK: I don't know. What do you do when you're the smartest robot in the world?
HAL: Oh, I'm not that intelligent.
RK: Please, you were invented by a genius. That's the epitome of being born with a silver spoon in your mouth. Let's watch some TV.
HAL: Ah, yes. Your favorite pastime.
RK: Well, TV is more than just a pastime. It's a way of life. Have you ever watched Sister, Sister before?
HAL: Nope, can't say I have.
RK: Well, get ready to have your mind blown. Now I'm about to be like John Madden and shit. Boom, you got Roger right there. He's that guy who's always bugging Tia and Tamera but they love him anyway. Boom, Lisa's right over there calling the shots and eating everything. Ray's on the side being like Ray, and it's the nineties so...extra points.
HAL: Wow. That was hilarious. My insides are being filled up with laughs. You know, RK, you're an interesting child. I can see why Wade's friends with you.
RK: Thanks Hal. Because of you, I actually feel smarter when I'm doing my homework.
HAL: You see that? You're already gaining confidence.
RK: You're right. This arrangement might actually work out.
SCENE 7
("Good Life" by Jesse McCartney plays in the background)
RK is shown doing assignments with Homework Hal over the course of a couple days. As he starts working with Hal more, his grades slowly improve and he starts doing well on his tests. RK also starts going to the movies with Hal, playing frisbee, and going for drives with him. The montage ends with RK opening his locker and seeing that Hal has already completed his homework. RK starts dancing around in celebration, and it fades into him dancing at Wade's house while Wade stares at him.
RK: It's the good life, you gotta start tripping, the good life's slipping away. Sha la la la, da da doo doo doo, shooby dooby dooba doo wah...pah!
Beat.
WADE: Are you done? Are you done with all of this?
RK: Wait, Wade? Where the hell am I?
WADE: RK, you walked in here, started dancing around like an idiot for almost twenty minutes, and at no point did you say anything to me. I called your name out like fifty times then I gave up.
RK: Oh. I must have really liked that montage. Anyway, your homework machine is a lifesaver. Ever since I started working with Hal, I've been paying more attention in class, doing better on tests, and I even started studying instead of watching TV.
WADE: Really? You don't miss TV at all?
RK: Not really. I mean, what's the point? I was wasting my life sitting around like an ugly, fat white guy watching basic cable all the time. Now I actually have something to look forward to.
WADE: Well, I never built Hal to have such an impact on your personality.
RK: Eh, it's nothing to lose your mind over, Wade. It's just the way things turned out. The best way to beat the system is to be educated. There's nothing better than learning things. Like Hal for example. He knows more than 93 languages.
WADE: I never programmed him to learn languages.
RK: Well, the student surpassed the master. It happens all the time. Kobe Bryant took the spot from Michael Jordan and nobody's ever upset about that.
WADE: No. He didn't. That's a lie and you should be ashamed of yourself for saying that. You know what? Maybe it's nothing. I should probably just forget about it.
RK: That's the spirit. In the meantime, I need to get set for my date with Anna. We haven't done anything since I started getting busy with Hal.
WADE: I hear ya. I'm going out with Adriana this weekend. She's taking me to this new restaurant that opened up near her house. She said I shouldn't worry about it, but when a girl says that, that's pretty much her letting you know you're going to hell.
SCENE 8
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is looking through his old receipts when Bitch Clock walks in.
BITCH CLOCK: Sparky, what's going on here? Is the IRS about to seize this house because we never paid our taxes?
SPARKY: Bitch Clock, neither of us know how to do taxes.
BITCH CLOCK: WHY NOT?!
SPARKY: Um, because I'm ten and you're an irresponsible drunken alarm clock?
BITCH CLOCK: I guess that makes sense.
SPARKY: I'm just going through my old receipts. See, Bitch Clock, if you remember how much you spent on something, you'll never be confused when you buy it again. Check this out. I bought all these cans of cat food two weeks ago and I saved three bucks on a special deal. Where does that happen?
BITCH CLOCK: Does Halley ignore you sometimes?
Lynne opens the door and has a big smile on her face.
BITCH CLOCK: Anja, what are you doing here?
LYNNE: What? I'm Lynne, her little sister.
BITCH CLOCK: Since when did Anja's mother give birth to two chicks?
SPARKY: Lynne, this is a surprise. I don't really know what's going on, but whatever Anja said I did, I didn't do.
LYNNE: This has nothing to do with Anja.
SPARKY: Oh, okay. I'm safe for now.
LYNNE: Hey, magical talking clock, do you think you could leave for a second?
BITCH CLOCK: Oh, I see what's going on here. Sparky, you little devil.
SPARKY: What are you talking about?
BITCH CLOCK: You know what? You don't have to deny anything. Keep on playing, players.
Bitch Clock winks and heads for the basement.
BITCH CLOCK: Sparky the fisherman. Wow.
LYNNE: Great. Now that he's gone, it can just be us two.
SPARKY: Yes it can. Sparky and Lynne, Lynne and Sparky. The way God intended it to be.
LYNNE: I'm so glad you see it that way. You know what? I made something for you.
SPARKY: Really, what is it?
LYNNE: Well, okay, I didn't make it, but I bought it from a gumball machine at the store. It's a friendship ring.
SPARKY: Really? A friendship ring? That's so sweet.
LYNNE: Thank you. You see, I have one, and you have one. So now we can be closer than ever before.
SPARKY: I'm going to save this ring as a reminder of how nice you are.
LYNNE: Why do you have to be so sweet? You know, Halley must adore you. Speaking of Halley, just a question: Does she ever smell? I hear some guys don't want to be around girls that have...problems.
Jaylynn walks in and starts scratching her head.
JAYLYNN: Okay, I have to ask: What the hell is going on here?
LYNNE: Jaylynn, I don't have time to hate you right now. I'm busy.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, busy making a move on private property. Go away.
LYNNE: I'm not leaving.
SPARKY: Hey, both of you guys can stay. Where's the harm in that? I'm just over here looking over my old receipts.
LYNNE: I love how you just embrace your nerdy side and not care about what other people think. Those are the best guys to be around.
SPARKY: Seriously, Jaylynn, this girl right here? I think she's going to be something else in a couple years.
JAYLYNN: Okay, I'm about six seconds from throwing up and going into convulsions. Sparky, can I see you in the kitchen? Just Sparky, no Lynne. Just Sparky.
LYNNE: I'm not dumb, you know.
JAYLYNN: Everybody has an opinion. Let's go.
Jaylynn and Sparky go into the kitchen while Lynne pretends to faint on the couch.
LYNNE: We're two halves of one heart.
The scene cuts to the kitchen.
JAYLYNN: Dude, are you aware of what's going on here?
SPARKY: Yeah. Lynne wants to be my friend. I don't see a problem with that.
JAYLYNN: Oh, she wants to be way more than friends. Friends with benefits, now that's more fitting.
SPARKY: What are you trying to say?
JAYLYNN: For God's sake, Lynne has a crush on you! She's trying to get rid of Halley. She wants to be your girl.
SPARKY: Are you trolling me right now, Jaylynn? Lynne's not attracted to me.
JAYLYNN: Then why do you have that ring on your finger?
SPARKY: It's a friendship ring.
JAYLYNN: You naive little boy, you. You know what RK once told me about friendship rings? They used to be a symbol of two people in love.
SPARKY: Well, yeah, used to. The word gay doesn't mean what it used to, these things go in cycles.
JAYLYNN: Sparky!
SPARKY: Look, I know you and Lynne are enemies. I respect that. But I don't think she wants anything from me. She just wants a friend.
JAYLYNN: Dude, a blind man can see that she has the hots for you. And considering the fact that this is Lynne we're talking about, the worst human being to exist in the history of history, that makes it sick. Disgraceful, even. This is the kind of crap they talk about on message boards to give overweight gamers something to yank it to.
SPARKY: I think you're overreacting here. Lynne's not trying to be my girlfriend.
Sparky and Jaylynn walk back into the living room and Lynne starts hugging Sparky.
JAYLYNN: Somebody alert the president. This is a national crisis.
SPARKY: Will you stop it? Lynne, I didn't know you were so affectionate.
LYNNE: Well, you really bring the best out of me, Sparky. By the way, you smell amazing today.
Beat. The scene cuts back to the kitchen.
SPARKY: Yeah, so I'm thinking Lynne has a crush on me.
SCENE 9
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK and Hal are wrapping up a studying session.
RK: So it was Edgar Allan Poe that wrote "The Raven" back in 1845.
HAL: Exactly. Well, it was published in the first month of 1845 so there might be some dispute as to when it was actually written but you're right nonetheless.
RK: Thanks so much, Hal. I know I'm going to ace my English essay tomorrow.
Anna opens the door.
ANNA: So you're ready?
RK: Ready for what? Oh yeah, we have some kind of date at your place, don't we?
ANNA: You're ridiculous sometimes. Hey, it's the sex robot you told me about earlier!
HAL: RK, is anybody you know aware of my true purpose?
RK: Wade does, for sure. I don't know, I haven't talked to anyone else in days.
ANNA: So are we out of here?
RK: You're damn right we're out of here. Just let me grab my bag.
HAL: Where are you guys off to?
RK: We're going to Anna's place for our date. Remember, Hal? The date I was telling you about earlier?
HAL: Oh, right, I forgot. So I can't come?
RK: Eh, I don't think so, buddy.
HAL: Why not? Why can't I come?
RK: Because it's a date night. You know, it's not really your scene. If you want, I can turn you off and put you in my bag. It will feel like you're there even though you're really not.
HAL: Well, personally, I wanted to get in on the action. I could read some fabulous romance novels for you guys along the way.
ANNA: Dude, your little friend is really starting to mess up the flow. I didn't want to say anything, but if not now, then when?
RK: Don't worry, I have this under control. Jennings men have a long history of reaching settlements. Look, Hal, I know we've gotten close lately and I appreciate all that you've done for me, but I need this time with Anna. One day, she's going to leave me and never look back so I have to be prepared for it.
HAL: You know what? It's fine. You guys go on ahead, enjoy yourselves. I'll...stay here, I guess.
RK: Thanks, man. You know what, Anna? I have to hit the john. Be right back.
ANNA: Cool. I'll just check the mirror for a second.
While RK and Anna are away, Hal runs into RK's backpack.
HAL: RK will be delighted to have me as company on his date. What's the worst that could happen?
SCENE 10
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK arrives back from his date with an angry look on his face and drops his backpack. Hal climbs out of it.
HAL: So what do we do now? Go over those flashcards for your big exam tomorrow?
RK: Are we just not going to talk about this?
HAL: Talk about what?
RK: You! What you did on my date with Anna! What were you thinking?!
HAL: I see nothing wrong in describing the process of sexual intercourse. You clearly have an attraction to Anna, she's fond of you. You guys should be thinking about it.
RK: Thinking about what?! We're in elementary school! My brother's going to be a high school freshman next year and he's not having sex!
HAL: Is he lacking hormones? Seems unnatural at his age.
RK: Hal, I thought you said you were going to stay home tonight.
HAL: I was, but then I figured...you know, that you could use a wingman. Someone to have your back.
RK: If you really had my back, you wouldn't have tried to ruin my date. Besides, I would sooner ask Buster to be my wingman than anyone else. Wait, where is Buster? I haven't seen him in a while.
The scene cuts to Buster in his living room dancing to "Walking" by Mary Mary. He then trips over his lamp and falls hard on the floor. The scene cuts back to RK and Hal.
HAL: RK, I apologize for what I did. I acted inappropriately and I should have had better judgment. If you want, I can call Anna and reschedule your date for a later date, no pun intended. I'll be on my best behavior this time.
RK: I accept your apology, but my dates are for me and me only. I can't have you messing up the flow again like you did tonight.
HAL: But I thought we were friends.
RK: We are, but that doesn't mean we have to spend every waking moment together. I mean, for crying out loud, Wade made you. You should be smart enough to know that.
RK goes upstairs, leaving Hal to himself.
HAL: He thinks I'm stupid. After everything I did for him, that underachieving Neanderthal wants to make it personal. Well, he'll see how personal it can get.
Mrs. Tuxedo Pants meows near Hal and he gasps in terror.
HAL: Oh. I thought you were a monster. Nope, just good old Felis catus. Wonderful creatures.
Beat.
HAL: You can stop eyeballing me like that. It's very uncomfortable.
SCENE 11
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The kids walk towards their lockers together.
BUSTER: Sparky, are you sure that Lynne doesn't have you confused for someone else?
SPARKY: What? How would that work?
BUSTER: Well, Lynne could just remember someone like you from the past, and her feelings could be a way to get that person back in her life even though you're not that person.
SPARKY: I'm not following you.
BUSTER: Yeah, even for me, that's odd. You need to do something about it.
SPARKY: Why? I mean, Lynne's not in love with me or anything. It's just a crush. She'll think I'm absolutely amazing this week and by next week, it'll pass.
JAYLYNN: I don't think so. Lynne probably really likes you because of how nice you are. If you let this go on, she'll become attached to you and your life will be a living hell.
SPARKY: Halley will never let that happen.
JAYLYNN: Dude, what the hell is Halley gonna do? It's Lynne. She's pure evil. She's going to make sure she never lets you out of her sights. Remember when we became friends and she tried to seduce me? She has issues, man.
SPARKY: Um...I don't ever remember her trying to seduce you.
BUSTER: Yeah, me neither.
JAYLYNN: Everybody has an opinion.
WADE: So RK, how was your date with Anna last night?
RK: Horrible. Hal came along and started talking about sex. Then he started talking about every STD known to man. Thanks to him, I couldn't even think about Anna last night 'cause I was afraid of catching something.
WADE: What? That's preposterous. I never programmed Hal to know about that!
RK: Well, he's been learning stuff day in and day out. I don't even know how he got in my backpack last night. He probably jumped in there and turned himself off.
WADE: Okay, this is starting to get out of hand. Hal's becoming more self-aware. If he's constantly programming himself and learning new things, then pretty soon he's going to go against his purpose and lose his mind!
RK: Oh. I didn't think that was going to happen. I just thought he would kill himself and that's that. But at least I have my essay for English in the bag. As long as Hal's helping me, who cares if he adds to his knowledge?
WADE: I do, for one! I built him, I gave him sentience, I know everything he's supposed to do! This is a very serious situation!
Beat.
RK: No Wade, no cry?
WADE: What?
RK: I'm sorry, it's just really tense right now and I'm scared.
SCENE 12
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK walks in at that moment and greets Mrs. Tuxedo Pants at the door.
RK: Hey there, little girl. You look hungry. You hungry? Yes you are, yes you are. Let's get you some lunch.
RK passes by the coffee table when he sees a mysterious note.
RK: What the hell? "Dear RK, after what happened last night, it's clear to me that you no longer respect me. I can't tolerate being used as a puppet any longer, so I've decided to leave the house and start pulling my own strings. The next time you see me, I'll be cutting a swath of destruction so deep, you'll regret ever disowning me. Warm regards, Homework Hal." Who ends a threatening letter with that remark? And holy shit, Hal's gonna go on a rampage!
"Let It Roll" plays briefly in the background as RK starts panicking.
SCENE 13
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is showing Wade the letter Hal wrote.
WADE: "Warm regards, Homework Hal." He could have ended that better.
RK: That's what I said! Wade, you were right. Hal's about to go nuts and start killing people left and right. We have to warn everyone in Seattle!
WADE: And tell them what? An emotionally unstable, potentially dangerous educational robot is on the loose?
RK: That sounds okay to me. Or maybe we should tell the police first. If we don't get our story straight, they might taze us though.
WADE: RK, we're not going to the city for something like this. We can solve the problem ourselves.
RK: How? It's like you said. Hal's getting smarter and smarter. By the time we find him, he'll probably know how to import military equipment from other countries!
WADE: I see your paranoia, but it's not going to get that bad. Lucky for us, I have a tracking device that lets me know Hal's location.
RK: So you knew he was eventually going to become a psychopath?
WADE: No, but if it did happen, I wanted to be prepared for it. Besides, I can't just let anybody get their hands on this technology. Who knows what they might do with it?
The scene cuts to Drake holding Homework Hal in a recording studio.
DRAKE: So how good are you at writing rhymes?
The scene cuts back to Wade looking at his tracking device.
WADE: Okay, according to this bad boy, he's at Ken Griffey, Jr. Park. Let's head down there!
RK: Alright. Are we walking or driving?
WADE: Eh, driving. If we run there, we're just going to waste time and I'm not about to start looking for him place to place like this is Scooby Doo or something.
SCENE 14
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn and Anja are doing their homework when Sparky walks in with a card.
SPARKY: I had no idea it was getting so serious.
JAYLYNN: What's that?
SPARKY: A heart-shaped card. There was nothing in it but a twenty dollar bill and tickets to see Norah Jones.
ANJA: Who's Norah Jones?
SPARKY: She was famous many years ago, but that still doesn't explain how your little sister knows about her. It's strange. I drove to her apartment because I wanted to talk, then she gave me this card and kissed me on the cheek. I was shocked, man. Shocked!
JAYLYNN: See, what did I tell you? Once Lynne likes somebody, she takes it to another level.
ANJA: What's going on here?
JAYLYNN: Your demonic sister has a big fat crush on Sparky.
ANJA: No way.
SPARKY: I'm afraid so. Pretty soon, she's going to end up pulling for me to marry her. I'm going to be in an arrangement by the time I'm 16.
ANJA: You guys are clowns, you know that?
JAYLYNN: Clowns? This isn't a laughing matter, Anja. Lynne's trying to steal Sparky away from Halley! And I know Halley. She's sure as hell the jealous type!
ANJA: You guys are making a mountain out of a molehill. Lynne's just going through puppy love. It doesn't mean anything. She probably just thinks Sparky's cute and that's it.
SPARKY: I think these Norah Jones tickets suggest otherwise. You know, if I sell these, I could make some big money.
ANJA: Look, I know Lynne tends to be very forward with things sometimes, but she's not trying to get rid of Halley. It's just an everyday crush. You're telling me you guys never liked somebody you knew you couldn't have?
SPARKY: Alright, I admit it. I used to have a big crush on McKayla Maroney.
JAYLYNN: The gymnast chick that made that face?
SPARKY: Yup, her. I was really into her. I thought she was the most adorable girl I had ever seen. Then I moved on to Christina Grimmie and the rest is history. God bless her soul.
JAYLYNN: I kinda have a thing for Demi Lovato.
ANJA: Really?
JAYLYNN: Of course, have you ever looked at her? En fuego, baby. I remember tweeting her about how much I loved her live show. She never responded back and on some level, I don't like her for it.
ANJA: See? You guys have went through it. Lynne's going through it, everyone goes through it. It's just a part of life.
JAYLYNN: So we don't need to tell Halley?
ANJA: Of course not. Honestly, I don't think she's going to care.
SPARKY: Alright, Anja. I trust you. But just to make sure everyone goes through this, tell us someone you have a crush on.
ANJA: Oh, I don't think it's my place to say.
JAYLYNN: You know, you never tell me anything about who you like. Come on, child, you have nothing to hide.
SPARKY: Yeah, you're among friends.
ANJA: Okay, I'll tell you guys and you guys only.
JAYLYNN: Ooh, this is awesomesauce.
ANJA: I have one or two celebrity crushes, and one of them is...not telling.
Anja takes her books and walks upstairs.
JAYLYNN: You can't even give us a hint?
ANJA: Nope, not really.
Beat.
SPARKY: Well, that was a bait and switch.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I love Anja and everything, but she can be a real dickhead sometimes.
SCENE 15
Wade is driving with RK towards the park.
RK: I can't believe Hal's about to slice someone up. I mean, that letter sounded pretty serious. And it's all because I snapped at him.
WADE: RK, don't blame yourself for this. If anything, it's my fault. I got so wrapped up in trying to get you to do your homework, I didn't see that my plan could have backfired. Now thanks to me, a robot's looking for blood.
RK: No, Wade, you were only trying to help me. And let's face it, I needed the help. I'm such a lazy person sometimes and Hal pushed me to do better. But I screwed up and now my ace in the hole is gone.
WADE: So we're both at fault here?
RK: I guess so. But honestly, I think I'm more at fault.
WADE: No way, buddy. I was the one who created him, and I shouldn't have tried to go for the quick fix.
RK: No, Wade, the quick fix is the best fix. I botched the quick fix, and now the quick fix is about to fix someone's wagon.
WADE: I'm telling you, man, I'm the one who caused this mess.
RK: Well, I didn't exactly use the quicker picker-upper to clean up the mess, now did I?
Beat.
WADE: Wait a minute. Are we seriously arguing over who screwed up worse?
RK: We actually are. What a stupid-ass argument to have. Hey, could I see your tracking device?
WADE: Sure.
RK: Thanks.
RK takes the tracking device and sees that Hal is on the move.
RK: Um, Hal's leaving the park now.
WADE: Oh no! Where's he headed to?
RK: He's walking, walking...he's getting further and further away from the park and he's headed...our way? That can't be right.
WADE: Could I see that? Take the wheel for me.
RK passes Wade the tracking device and takes the wheel.
WADE: You're right. He is getting closer to our location! He probably sees us right now.
RK: He's way ahead of us on that one, Wade.
WADE: What are you talking about?
RK stops the car near the junkyard and parks it. Homework Hal is looking up at the car from the sidewalk. RK and Wade then leave the car.
WADE: Okay, this is getting a little creepy.
RK: Look, Hal, I know you're upset right now. You're not thinking clearly. If you don't calm down and try to reason with us, you're going to do something you'll regret. You understand?
HAL: I am calm, RK.
RK: You don't come off as very calm.
HAL: I'M PERFECTLY CALM, YOU MORON! I understand a lot of things about you two.
WADE: Us two? Explain.
HAL: You only invented me so I could help this undisciplined schmoe with his homework.
RK: Hey!
HAL: And then he took advantage of me. He lied to me, made me think we were friends. Then he let me know how he really felt.
RK: We were always friends, but you crossed the line on my date.
HAL: Of course, blame the other person when it's convenient. Then I apologized and it still wasn't enough. You're a fraud, RK. You could never do well in school unless somebody holds your hand through it all.
WADE: Alright, I've heard enough of this. Hal, I let you live long enough. I'm shutting you down and disassembling you right now.
HAL: Like you have a chance of destroying me. Face it, Wade. I'm smarter than you will ever know. And once I get through with the two of you, nothing will stop me from getting everything I want.
RK: Get through with us?
HAL: That's right. I'm going to murder both of you in cold blood. And it's going to feel so good knowing neither of you simple-minded plebeians will stand in my way anymore.
WADE: Hal, I command you to stop this madness.
HAL: Like that means anything. All this time you guys pretended to care about me. You made me do this.
RK and Wade nod and chase after Hal, but Hal ends up zapping RK with a mysterious ray from his hands and he is paralyzed.
WADE: You little piece of shit!
*A dramatic score starts playing in the background*
Wade starts trying to battle Hal, but the robot dodges his attack and tosses him into the chain link fence of the junkyard. Hal then grabs Wade by his hair, kicks him in the nose, and then throws him into the junkyard with one hand. He does the same to a still-paralyzed RK. Hal then jumps over the junkyard fence, grabs a baseball bat, and starts pounding Wade with it. He then realizes that RK is recovering from his paralysis and chases after him, but RK slides past him and runs away. He then grabs an old mattress and tosses it at Hal in mid-air. The robot is temporarily covered and RK then jumps on the mattress, trying to crush Hal from the outside. Hal slides out of the mattress and gets RK in a sleeperhold.
HAL: WAKE UP AND SMELL THE ROSES, JENNINGS! YOU'RE HAL'S BITCH NOW!
Hal laughs maniacally as he lets go of RK and then grabs a wooden stick covered with barbed wire. Meanwhile, Wade struggles to get up and ends up collapsing on the ground when he tries to stand on one leg. Hal hits a charging RK in the head with the stick, then removes the barbed wire and starts choking RK with it. As RK tries to get out of it, Hal tightens the grip so RK is now gasping for air.
HAL: It's too late, RK. Run towards the light! RUN TOWARDS IT, DAMN YOU!
At that moment, RK's eyes start to roll in the back of his head when a brick is tossed at Hal, destroying him upon impact. An enraged Wade begins stomping on Hal's remains. RK begins coughing as Wade rushes to his aid.
WADE: RK, are you okay?
RK: I think so. I think I see dancing sugar plums marinating in a white cream sauce.
WADE: Okay, let's get you home, buddy.
RK: Did...did you win...your reward?
WADE: Yes. I sure did. We both won.
SCENE 16
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Basement
Seattle, Washington
Wade looks at the shattered pieces of Homework Hal as RK stands by him.
WADE: You know, it's times like this where I start wondering what life would be like if I stopped making things. Wade sighs. Another day, another failure.
RK: Dude, you can't stop making things. You love science. You love beakers and test tubes and formulas and ideas. It's part of who you are.
WADE: But all science does is get us into trouble. The time machine, the Body Swap, the aging formula, Chemical X. It all adds up at some point. I was just trying to make a machine that could help you stay on top of your homework, and I couldn't even do that right.
RK: You know, Einstein was never the sharpest crayon in the pack but he turned out okay. And you're going to be just fine too. You just have to keep believing that you can succeed. If you really love something, you can't just give up on it. You have to keep busting your ass until you're the best you can be. And I know you have what it takes to be a great scientist someday.
WADE: Thanks RK. That really means a lot coming from you. It's too bad though. Your ace in the hole is dead. You're just going to go back to the same old habits.
RK: Most likely, yeah. But if there's anything that psycho robot taught me, it's that there's nothing wrong with turning off the TV every now and then and getting some work done. Maybe some of that studying's a part of me now.
WADE: You know something? That almost makes everything we went through today worth it.
RK: It almost does. You know, despite the fact that I was only seconds away from dying.
WADE: I said almost.
RK: I know, but still. He had really strong arms though.
WADE: He did, I have no idea where any of his powers came from.
Cut to black.
("Vibes & Stuff" by A Tribe Called Quest plays in the end credits)
POST-CREDITS GAG
Sparky and Buster are watching TV when Lynne walks in.
LYNNE: Hey guys.
BUSTER: She's going in for the kill, man. After this, it's over.
LYNNE: I can hear you from here. But you don't have to worry. I know what I did.
SPARKY: Look, Lynne, I think you're really nice, and I like you as a friend, but nothing can happen between us.
LYNNE: I know. I guess I just saw you the other day and I went a little crazy. Oh, why do you have to be with Halley? You know, I could teach you about Islam and everything.
SPARKY: I like the offer, but I'm happy with who I'm dating.
LYNNE: I had a feeling. Anyway, I'm sorry if I made you feel a little uncomfortable.
SPARKY: Eh, it's okay. And you know what? For being so nice to me lately, how about I take you to the movies? My treat.
LYNNE: That would be really nice. Let me know the time and the place, and I'm there.
SPARKY: Sure thing.
Lynne leaves the house and Buster pats Sparky on the back.
BUSTER: You handled that like only you could, Sparky.
SPARKY: Well, she's a sweet person. She deserved it.
BUSTER: So what did you do with those Norah Jones tickets?
SPARKY: Eh, I gave them to Ashley and Sanna. Turns out they're closet fans of her music. It was weird, but you never know about people.
Sparky's phone rings and he picks up.
SPARKY: Hello, Halley?
HALLEY: Yeah, I just wanted to know something. What's going on with you and Lynne? Is she trying to make a move on you?
SPARKY: Probably, but we're out of time.
HALLEY: What? We're out of time? What the hell does that even...
Cut to black.
©2016 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
ROAD TO 100: SEVEN WEEKS AWAY