Hey, guys! We didn't quite make 50, but that was a huge increase! And thank you for all your kind reviews! Please keep them coming, and please keep spreading the word! I'm going to try to update more, some things at school have got me going to the library instead of lunch to avoid someone. So I have twenty minutes every day which I promise to work on this! When my friend and I finish watching Deadpool illegally through the school wifi, of course…

Let's get this out of the way right now: I hate it when people label Lily as another Hermione. I feel like her intelligence was more natural, and I also think she wasn't stuck up on certain things. So my Lily isn't like that, sorry if you don't like it. But tell me what you think of her, positive or negative!

Anyways, this one's a bit heavy. It should clear up some mysteries, though. Cheers, guys.

Unfortunately, back in Cokeworth, all was not right with the world. Lily was laying in bed, the confused hurricane of thoughts bouncing around her brain not allowing her to sleep. Why was he so disappointed? Is he ashamed of treating my sister that way? Is he disappointed in himself for disobeying my dad? Oh, God, am I a subpar kisser? After we broke up as sophomores, Edgar Bones did spread around that I wasn't a great snog. I always thought he was just bitter, but what if it's true?

Unable to sit in bed any longer, Lily sat up in bed and tiptoed over to her closet, pulling out a jacket and sneakers, as well as James's scarf. She padded over to her window, where she swung it open and began to climb down the rose trellis. When she felt her sneakers hit the snowy grass, she snuck off, walking to the place that made her feel both comfortable and melancholy- the park where she had first met Sev.

Several blocks later, she began to feel cold. The snow had made her shoes wet, seeping through her socks and into her skin. She pulled the scarf closer around her, wishing that she had brought both boots and James.

Can I really be falling for James Potter? The man-child I abhorred not a year ago? Things changed, after the tree incident, of course- I avoided him to the best of my ability. He saw me weak, and that was difficult for me to handle. I've tried to put up a wall, but I can't block it off. And now it's Christmas, and he's helping us get through the whole Mum thing, and he's being so sweet and kind and so completely not the James I thought he was. Is this the real him, or is the showy, obnoxious James the real James? Or do they coexist?

Did I ever even hate James Potter? Or did I hate him for Sev's sake?

Lily's musings were cut short when she saw a thin, spidery figure sitting on top of the derelict monkey bars. Lily breathed in sharply and began to tread backwards, hoping and praying that he hadn't seen her.

"Lily!"

She closed her eyes and turned around slowly.

"Why aren't you back at Bitterwood, Snape?"

He jumped down from the monkey bars and strode over to her. "I wanted to be home for Christmas. I couldn't leave Mum alone with him."

Lily nodded despite herself. Where is my anger? I couldn't contain it back at Sirius's house. Now I'm carrying on a completely normal conversation with a man I bitterly hate. It's time to go. "Goodbye, Sev," she whispered softly. "Have a happy Christmas."

He grabbed her arm. "Lily, please-"

She felt her anger return. "No, Sev. You've said what you believe, there is nothing more the two of us can talk about."

"Lily, please, I've been here since ten this morning because I knew you'd come here. This is where we met, this is where you've always felt safest-"

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Not anymore."

Snape seemed to realized the meaning in her words. He sunk down on the bench beside Lily and grasped her hand. She yanked it back as if his touch had burned her.

"Lily, please, you know I would never hurt you-"

"But you did. You hurt me so badly I had to leave school, and now my mother is dead."

Snape blanched. "Oh, Lily, I had no idea, I'm so sorry-"

"Of course you had no idea, you were too busy jumping scholarship students with your Death Eater friends!"

"It's not like that, Lily."

"Really? What is it like, then? Do the students voluntarily give up their valuables? Do they give themselves scars and bruises? Tell me, Sev," she said, narrowing her eyes and stepping closer, "do they know that you're here on scholarship? Do they know you come from a lower class family- from the same town their abominated Lily Evans, the mudblood, hails from? And what would the scholarship board of directors think? A student on scholarship, harassing other scholarship students because they can't pay for their own college. Dreadfully hypocritical, isn't it?"

"Lily, please-"

"No, Sev, you don't deserve that. You don't get a chance to explain yourself. You explained enough in the commons last spring." She turned around to walk away.

From behind her, Snape called. "You're just angry because you blame yourself for the death of your mother."

Lily stopped in her tracks and slowly swivelled around. "Take. That. Back."

Snape smirked slightly, having got the reaction he wanted. "No. This isn't about me. It's about you working through your problems."

Lily turned around and curled her hand into a fist. "How DARE you! How DARE you say something like that! You know nothing about me and my life. You have no place here, and no way to know anything about me."

Snape stepped closer. "I know you went rogue again this summer- just like when we were in high school. Alcohol, fast cars, men- you went back to your life of crime. You were trying to cope. You forget, I still know you better than you know yourself."

He had stepped so close she could feel his breath on her neck. She buttoned her eyes shut.

"You have no room in my life. There is no place for you anymore." She wound her arm back, and Snape's eyes widened in surprise. Lily was about to swing her fist when she felt an arm close around her wrist.

"Don't, Lily. He's not worth it."

She pursed her lips and turned around to see a serious-looking James. "See, but it really is worth it."

"Nah, Lily. It might seem worth it now, but your hands will hurt like hell in the morning."

"Um, sorry to interrupt this cute little exchange, but what is he doing here?"

LIly glared in his direction. "James and I are dating. He came for Christmas and Petunia's wedding."

Snape started to choke on his own words. "What? You abhor him. He is the bane of your existence. You-"

"No, Sev. You hate him. I hated him for your sake. That's not an obstacle anymore, and we've all shown our true colors. Looks like James wasn't the villain after all," she said, glaring pointedly at him.

Snape closed his eyes and exhaled. "I thought you had some sense, Lily."

James dropped her wrist. "You know what, Lily? Go for it."

XXXX

Lily's hand really did hurt, but she in no way regretted punching Severus Snape. The cool night air and the light dusting of snow on the walk home had soothed it, but her smugness at finally giving Snape what he deserved kept her warm. The look on his face when she socked him- a mixture of anger, disbelief, and surprise- made her feel better than she had since her mother died. Except for when she kissed James. And slept next to James. And-

Okay, brain. I get the point. You like James Potter. Stop pushing the issue.

"So, Lily, there's a lot you're not telling your boyfriend," James said, wiggling his eyebrows at her as he rummaged through the kitchen drawers for a clean towel. "Alcohol? Fast cars? Men? What could my darling, innocent, Lily-petal possibly have gotten into? I expect you've slept with countless men, who you simply cannot remember? Who you met while drunk at a car race?" She smirked when he saw her blush. "Everyone has a vice, my dear."

Lily sighed. "I didn't sleep with them. After Mum died, I was the only one left to deal with the aftermath. Tuney went to go deal with her problems in London with Vernon and Dad was stuck in the hospital and everything and I was supporting him and running the grocery and there was no one there to talk to. I used to talk to Sev about all my problems, but that obviously wasn't an option. Marlene was in Portugal doing God knows what- she offered to stay home with me, but I told her to go. So I dealt with things in my own way. I drank, and I led men on, and I got caught a couple of times for drag racing in Exeter. The board almost took away my scholarship, but my dad and I promised I'd get sober. I haven't drank since, and my dad and I agreed that I shouldn't bring a car, just in case I relapsed again. And I'm back to being a prude," she said, smiling at him.

James stared at her. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that alone, Lily."

Lily smiled from her perch on the countertop. "It wasn't your fault, James. You didn't know, we were barely on speaking terms then."

"Yes, but if I had pushed a little harder that night, I would have convinced you to let me drive you home, and if I'd just stopped being a jerk a little earlier, or if I'd just dealt with my- well, never mind that, if I'd just been kind from the get-go, we might have been friends, and someone would have been there for you."

Lily took his face in her hands, pushing his chin up. "James, this is not your fault. You had no way of knowing, there is absolutely no reason why you should blame yourself." She pushed herself off from the counter and put her arms around James. At first he was tense, but he finally relaxed and wound his arms around Lily. She melted into his grip and buried her face in his flannel, breathing in the sweet scent of skin and soap and strength.

"Lily?"

"Yes, James?"

"You don't actually believe all that codswallop Snivellus said about your mother's death being your fault?"

"Did you just use the word codswallop in a sentence? I don't think anyone has used that since, what, the late 1920's?"

"Codswallop is a perfectly acceptable term!"

"Sure, if you're an American mobster in a fedora."

"You're avoiding the question."

Lily broke away from James and slid back on the countertop. "I'm learning to accept my mother's death, and with that, any guilt that I may feel. Now, drop it and find me the bloody peroxide, my hand stings like all hell."

James laughed. "So, I heard Severus say this was a relapse? Is this finally the day Lily Evans unveils her past life of crime?"

"I suppose you should know if we're to keep up the couple guise."

James swivelled around. "Lily, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to-"

"No, you should probably know." She took a deep breath. "When I started high school, my aunt died. She and I were close- she was my mother's sister and she lived down the street. She and my mum and Tuney and I did everything together. I think we've already established that I handle grief very poorly, and I started to drink, and I drove faster than I should, and I led guys on. I was caught for drag racing and street racing and I've got a fair few charges under me. I was addicted to adrenaline"

"What made you stop?"

Lily smiled. "Music."

James poured peroxide on her split knuckles, then began to wrap a bandage around her hand. "Please continue."

"The school director saw something in me, he said. He plopped a French horn in my hands, and it was incredible- it was something I could do to take my mind off everything that was going on, and I was good at it- the only thing I had ever felt like I was a natural at like I felt about this, other than school, was racing. This was so much healthier. So I got a new addiction- music. I've been playing ever since. And it felt so good- it was something that brought my family together, not tore it apart." She paused. "Except for Petunia. She thinks music is a waste of time."

James had long since finished wrapping the bandage around her hand and was absently rubbing soft circles on her hand. She blushed and looked back at James. Was it just her, or was he leaning in closer? Suddenly, there was a thump on the stairs and the two jumped guiltily apart.

"That must be Vermin," Lily whispered. "He usually gets up around now to raid the icebox."

James raised his eyebrows. "Let's have some fun with him, shall we?"

He opened the refrigerator and brandished a stick of butter. "I'll take care of Vermin, you hide the ice cream. Deal?"

"Deal."

XXXX
Five minutes later, Lily and James were well secreted in the living room, waiting for Vernon to finally come downstairs. They were not disappointed, as shortly after, Vernon Dursley came tiptoeing down the steps. Lily had to clap her hand over his mouth to keep him from giggling at the sight of the elephantine man creeping down the stairs. He pulled her hand off his face and whispered, "Wow, Lily, I didn't think our relationship was like that, but whatever floats your boat, eh?"

"Shut up! He might hear you!"

Vernon, however, seemed to be completely focused on raiding the freezer without waking the house. Unfortunately, his plan was doomed to fail, because once he reached a five-foot radius of the freezer door, his foot hit the place where James had smeared butter and he went flying. With an earth-shaking crash, the rest of the house woke up. Petunia was down within an instant, and Sirius treaded down sleepily from the garret. Lily and James took that as a safe time to creep out from their hiding place and joined Sirius at the kitchen door. "What's going on?" he yawned sleepily over Petunia's anxious cries.

"Looks like Vernon took a mighty spill," Lily said, barely hiding her smile. "Tell me, Vernon, why were you down here?"
"I, um, had to use the bathroom."

James looked at him with feigned curiosity. "Why didn't you use the one upstairs?"

Petunia looked at the two of them. "Stop interrogating my poor man. Off to bed, all of you."

"Yes ma'am," Sirius said, and scampered off. Lily and James turned to each other and shrugged, heading up as well.

XXXX

"What are you going to tell your dad about your fist?" James said once they had reached Lily's door.

"The truth."

"He won't be mad that you snuck out?"

"There's not much bad to do in Cokeworth. Anyways, he knows I'm on suspension by the Board and he trusts me not to do anything stupid."

"Your dad really is the coolest."

Lily twisted the necklace James had gotten her around her finger. "Yeah, he is."

James moved closer, and Lily inhaled sharply. His ahmd met her waist, and she felt goosebumps erupt up her sides.

"Petunia might be watching, you know," he whispered."

"Yeah, she might."

"We should probably kiss, then. Just for appearance's sake."

"Just for appearances," she whispered back, tilting her head up with her eyes on James's lips.

Unlike their kiss the earlier in the evening, this one was slow and sweet. James's mouth felt so right against hers, and his lips were so smooth and sweet, and he seemed to know exactly what she wanted. When James finally pulled away, she involuntarily followed his mouth. He smiled softly. "Glad you like that much, Lily."

She blushed. "Just for appearances."

"Of course."

She went into her room and closed the door, walking over to her phonograph in a haze. She selected a record without really looking at it, then went to lay on the red quilted bedspread her aunt had made and let the sounds of Pachelbel's Canon in D wash over her. Feeling much better rested, and with her head no longer a whirlwind of thought, her last conscious thought was of James.