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Chapter Thirty.

I stood frozen, my hand tightening around the bear as I watched him. What could he possibly want to talk about? He can't be here to scold me, Morgan was currently in charge so he doesn't have a leg to stand on there. Oh god, maybe it was that voicemail message I left one night when I had one too many gins – my therapist said I should try and go out, let my hair down – thinking back at that moment, it probably wasn't exactly what she meant and I may have went a little too far – that hangover is definitely one I never want to relive again.

"May I come in?" Hotch asked before I came back to focus, my head nodding slowly as I stepped to the side. I couldn't hide the fact I was nervous, I'm pretty sure he could hear my heart beat in my chest right now - I just never know what to expect with this guy, he can be so tough skinned but also a really sensitive guy who is actually pleasant to talk to. "What's that smell?" He turned back to me, his brown eyes wandering over my face before I walked over to the kitchen, opening the slow cooker and giving it a stir, the smell in the kitchen intensifying.

"I'm making Chilli, would you like some?" I got a spoon and dipped it in the sauce, scooping some up and blowing on it a moment before trying it. I shut my eyes as the flavour and spices warmed my mouth and throat, a smile pulling at my lips. Damn that's good.

"May I?" He raised his hand and took the spoon I just used, dipping back into the sauce and tasting it. "That's… Delicious."

I raised my eyebrow, uncovering the rice I've previously cooked before grabbing two plates. "Don't sound so surprised." I slid the plates on the counter, laying them side by side.

"Oh I didn't mean it like that.." he whispered, his eyes moving onto the bear that was now sat on the kitchen counter. "Who is this little guy?"

I started serving up the food before taking my gaze away for a moment to glance at him, my face screwing up as I burnt my thumb. "Shit…" I turned my back to him, sticking the side of my thumb in my mouth as I tried to cool the skin. Note to self, don't take eyes away from burning hot food onto handsome man standing in kitchen.

"Are you alright?" He took a step towards me and I moved toward the sink, turning on the cold water.

"I'm fine…." I paused, licking my lips as the cold soothed the burn, my shoulders relaxing as the pain eased. "The bears for Jack… I thought he'd like it."

Hotch went silent and I sighed, keeping my back to him before turning off the tap and grabbing a tea towel off the hook.

"That was very kind of you, I'm sure he'll love it." His tone sounded sincere but there was an undertone to it that showed me that he wanted to talk about something else.

I turned around and crossed my arms, looking up at him as I pressed my body against the kitchen counter. "Why are you here Hotch?"

He lifted the gaze off the bear to look at me, his eyes studying me a moment before speaking. "You didn't leave me much choice after the scene you made."

I rolled my eyes, moving past him and grabbing the bear. "I don't need your judgement or attitude Hotch so if that's all you're going to give me then take this and leave." I shoved it into his arms and walked over to the sofa, collapsing into the corner and grabbing a pillow. Dinner will just have to wait for now, I'm suddenly feeling a lot less hungry.

"I'm not here to judge you." He moved from the kitchen and sat on the edge of my coffee table opposite me, the bear still in his hands.

"We spoke a lot while I was away, then you went quiet…" I let out a sigh, "I thought it was because of the voicemail I left but I come back and Reid tells me that you nearly died?" I shook my head, my curls bouncing over my cheeks.

"I told Reid not to tell you, it was my decision so don't be mad with him."

"But why? I don't accept that it was because of my recovery because that's a bullshit excuse." I moved to sit crossed legged, watching him a moment. "I understand you were having a hard time and then Hayley was killed…"

"I don't want to talk about Hayley." He put the bear on the table next to him, leaning his elbows on his knees as he let out a sigh. "The voicemail you sent… It complicated things."

I looked down at my hands in my lap, pulling at a loose thread on my jeans. "I was drunk, you should have immediately disregarded it." As if he would, that guy absorbs and remembers things like a freaking leach.

"We both know that what you said was true." He lifted his gaze off his shoes, watching me as I began to feel more and more uncomfortable.

"Don't profile me Hotch, you know I don't like it." I narrowed my eyes at him, leaning my head back so I was staring at the ceiling. "So, what if it was true? It doesn't look like you thought or feel the same way so why are you bothering me right now?"

He fell silent and I lifted my gaze, his eyes still on my face making my cheeks burn again. "Stop with the staring." I squirmed and he looked away.

"Clara, you have to understand that we work together. I'm not currently your boss but I will be again soon…" Hotch turned back to look at me and all I wanted to do was bury my embarrassed face in a pillow. "We wouldn't work, we'd spend too much time together and we would end up hating each other. I know you didn't like me at first…"

"I don't like you very much now…" I muttered and he sighed in frustration.

"Can't you be more mature about this? Your acting like a five year old."

My jaw dropped and I smacked him with the pillow, standing up. "Well then Mr Cantankerous, why don't you leave and safe us both the bother of this stupid and awkward conversation." I turned away from him, walking back to the kitchen to grab the wine out the fridge. "Oh and don't worry, I won't be leaving you any messages this time."

"Now you really are acting like a child." He growled, following me. "Would you just stop and listen to me?"

"Why? I've heard everything you've had to say. Why don't you tell me the real reason we could never work? It's not just because we work together is it? What are you not attracted to me? Too boring? Or is it because I'm how did you say it… Acting like a five year old?" I grabbed a glass and poured the wine to the top, Hotch rubbing his face with his hand.

"You're impossible." He hissed and I bit my lip. "I can see this was a mistake. I'll go."

"Good." I immediately replied, taking a few sips of wine before he stood there a moment, watching in case I wanted to say anything more.

"I'll see you tomorrow." Hotch turned and opened the door, shutting it firmly behind him. That wasn't exactly how I wanted my first evening back in DC to go but it wouldn't be normal if I didn't receive a little bit of drama. My eyes just looked at the bear he left on the side, my face dropping as the fake persona of not giving a shit disappeared now I didn't have to pretend anymore. I didn't always like Hotch, I guess maybe there was a small attraction but it was when we began to speak more, he'd text or call everyday if he wasn't on a rough case and I guess that small feeling grew a little bit more. I growled, putting the glass down and running my fingers through my hair – tomorrow is going to be incredibly awkward, I just hope nobody else notices.