I generally don't write notes before or after the chapters. I try to just let the story speak for itself (unless I'm posting a warning for inappropriateness). However, I've never really written anything this deep or disturbing, so I feel the need this time. I've worked for days on the next few chapters and I hope that I do the story justice with them as my goal is to show how Amber's thoughts twist and morph without her realizing it. I had a lot of people tell me in Nefarious Intentions that they didn't like Amber. My goal here is to convey to the reader that Amber is not just being some crybaby wimp, but is suffering with a mental illness. Hopefully I reach my goal. And thank you again for reading.

Chapter 15

Amber hadn't slept at all. After arriving at her apartment late the night before, she'd simply sat alone in her sparse and dusty space and stared out the window. The silence slowly consuming her. She tried not to think about Seth and the others or work and her career. So far she wasn't having much luck.

The last thing she'd expected was the overwhelming feeling of loneliness that came from being by herself and with it a disturbingly deep and profound sadness. She'd tried to tell herself that she didn't need anyone. That after spending the better part of ten years all alone, she was used to it and could do it again, but as she sat alone in the dark, she couldn't find the strength to back up those thoughts. Just being here, by herself during a holiday that was meant to be shared with family and friends served as a stark reminder of all that she'd lost over the last few months.

If she were being honest with herself, she would admit that after finally finding love and meaningful friendships she hadn't wanted to go back to being alone. The ugly truth was, she missed Seth. She missed Lexi and Roman and little Alea and the rest of their close knit group.

Knowing she had ten more days of the nearly unbearable silence and misery ahead, she pushed off the couch and forced herself to get changed. Then she went out. For reasons she couldn't quite understand, it seemed important to try and at least pretend her life was somewhat normal. Which meant buying groceries and cleaning supplies. As she shopped she did her best to ignore the bombardment of garish holiday decorations and the constant uttering of well wishes from sales people and complete strangers alike.

Exhausted and miserable, all she wanted was a few staples from the grocery store. That way, if she managed to find her appetite she'd have something to eat.

On the way back to her apartment she decided to stop at an express clinic. Maybe if she explained her insomnia to a doctor he or she would prescribe some sleeping pills. She never was much of a pill person, but she couldn't go on not sleeping either. And the melatonin she'd been taking on the road just wasn't cutting it. Normally, using it meant she could manage about four hours a night before worries creeped back in and nightmares appeared from the recesses of her mind. However being on the road, she could occupy herself when sleep refused to come, but being a home and alone...

An hour later she walked out of the pharmacy with a 10 day prescription of sleeping pills. As she stared at the sparkling lights and listened to the blending of music from one store to the next a thought occurred to her. Maybe she could just keep taking the pills and sleep her way through Christmas and New Years. She smirked at that idea as she crossed the street and stopped in front of the liquor store. She arched a brow at the display in the window. Or maybe she could drink her way through the holiday instead. Her father always talked about how alcohol made him numb until he couldn't feel anything and didn't care.

It was because of him she'd never had much to do with alcohol, but at that very moment she found herself contemplating the idea. Had he carried this same sadness and guilt within him that she felt now? He'd used alcohol to numb the pain and apparently it worked, at least temporarily, because he always went back for more. So there had to be some merit to his statement. Maybe...just maybe this one time she could try it his way and see what it was like to not feel anything. She could buy a single bottle of something just to get her over the holiday hump. Still toying with the idea she pulled open the door and walked inside.

Several hours later, dressed in her pajamas, Amber sat curled up in her bed watching sappy Christmas movies while she sipped I her large glass of vodka and orange juice. Even after drinking on it for over nearly two hours, she could still feel the slight burn of the liquid as it coated her throat. Unfortunately she could also still feel that bone aching sadness she'd carried with her for days. Maybe she simply wasn't drunk enough yet. She glanced over at the pill bottle setting on the bedside table and reached for it. If she took one of those it would definitely put her to sleep and the pain would go away, at least for a little while.

What about when you wake up? Tears welled and the ache in her heart grew. There wasn't any doubt in her mind that the moment she opened her eyes, the loneliness would return and with it the sorrow and regret.

She blinked, sending tears trickling down her cheeks. She'd given up everything in order to appease management and further her career. Only now, she realized, the best she could ever hope for was to end up as a jobber on the main roster or worse yet, back in NXT. Most likely they'd simply release her when her contract was up. Then what in the hell was she supposed to do?

She'd pushed away her friends and the one person in the world who meant more to her than her own life. Amber held the picture of her and Seth at Roman and Lexi's wedding and stared at his image. It was such happy and joyous day and she'd been so very honored to be a part of it.

Back then, everything in her world had been perfect. Back then, her future, both professionally and personally, had been so bright. Funny how in less than a year her world could come crashing down around her.

She stroked a thumb over the image of Seth as the pain, fresh and sharp sliced through her yet again. There wasn't any way she could keep doing this. Torturing herself day in and day out with the nearly non-existent hope that she might be able to turn it all around. It just wasn't worth it to fight. Not when she had no real reason to keep fighting. Not anymore.

She glanced down at the bottle of sleeping pills then back to the the picture. It would be easy...so very easy, to make the pain go away forever.

But what about Seth? Seth, she thought, as she returned the pill bottle to the bedside table, then picked up the large drink she'd been nursing and took a long swallow, would be better off without her. All she needed to do was get drunk enough to work up the nerve. Then night night Amber.

Everyone was off living their own lives and they weren't due back to work until after the new year. By then she'd be long gone. Of course she doubted anyone would miss her anyway. After another quick chug from her glass she turned her bleary gaze back to the photograph.

Seth...her Seth. He was so damn handsome with his beard and wild two tone hair. So very sweet and caring. He'd been out of her league from the very beginning, yet somehow he'd only had eyes for her. Just like everything good that happened in her life, she'd managed to fuck things up with him.

She closed her eyes and an image of him holding Alea popped into her head. He would make such a great father some day. Hopefully he could find someone new to love. Someone who would be worthy of receiving his love.

Another shot of pain sliced through her at that thought and she sobbed into the silence. Her last words to him had been said out of anger and frustration. She didn't want that to be how it ended between them. The need to hear his voice, to take the sound and sight of him with her, overwhelmed Amber. She set the nearly empty cup down and fumbled for her cell. On a slur she used the voice command to dial his number. Just one last time. She just needed to hear his voice to ask for his forgiveness and then she'd make the pain go away once and for all.