Sorry this sooooo late. I truly am. I had some security issues and a lot of schoolwork to keep up on, plus I'm trying to finish my original story. I promise things will get much more regular after this.

Even though two of the most important people in Ikebukuro are out of sorts life in the city goes on normally. Rushing past the two still stones in the water. Even though it lost its informant and it's street fights between the biggest rivals in the city it doesn't seem to notice. Maybe it does and it just doesn't let on, but I'm starting to think that the city just doesn't care what happens to us even though some would say we're vital to its existence.

I walk through Shinra's front door only to be greeted by silence.

"Hello?" I call. This isn't what I had been expecting on my walk here at all. I thought Shinra and Celty and Izaya would be right here waiting because yesterday they all seemed so excited about the informant's relocation. When no one answers me call a cold feeling settles in the pit of my stomach. I walk up through the house looking into every room, but they're all empty and silent. The last room I check is the room Izaya has been staying in. I push the door open and an apprehensive scene meets me eyes.

Celty and Shinra are standing together. For the first time since Izaya showed up the dulluhan isn't wearing her helmet in the room and Shinra's arms are wrapped protectively around her shaking form. There's a limp shape on the bed Izaya's been staying in covered in a blanket.

"What happened?" I ask in bewilderment. I don't know what to make of the whole scene.

Celty and Shinra jump in surprise and turn to stare at me. The underground doctor quickly wipes his hand over his eyes and puts his glasses back on. I'm surprised he wasn't wearing them when I walked in.

"We have some, bad news," he says. Celty turns back to Shinra and he pulls her closer.

"Well what is it?" I demand when Shinra doesn't continue.

"I-Izaya, well. This is very hard for me to say, Shizuo. After he was looking so well the other day, but…well…."

"Spit it out!" I yell.

"It's Izaya he's, well, he-"

I quickly move to the form on the bed and pull back the sheet. Izaya's lying there motionless. There's not an IV sending drugs into his veins and his skin is pale white. I pull the sheet off a little farther revealing two bandages wrapped around his forearms from his wrists to his elbows.

"He's not dead," Shinra says, joining me at Izaya's bedside. "But he tried."

Then with Celty's help he recounted the story.

Apparently Celty had been trying to get Izaya to eat something. He still hadn't had anything to eat since the feeding tube was removed, but Izaya was edgy and wouldn't eat. Celty tried everything imaginable outside the realm of force-feeding the food to him, but he still wouldn't eat. Celty was trying to reason with him when he reached out and pulled her helmet off. Curiosity had finally gotten the better of him, but in his fragile state of mind he couldn't take it. Even in his weakened state he managed to dodge past Celty and hide from her. She searched for him and as soon as Shinra got back home from a job he had he assisted her. After another sweep of the house they found him lying in Celty's motorcycle garage in a pool of blood with Shinra's medical scalpel gripped in his hand.

"HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN? YOU'RE A DOCTOR AND YOU'RE THE HEADLESS RIDER OF IKEBUKURO! HE'S WEAKER THEN A CHILD HOW COULD HE GET AWAY FROM YOU?! WHY ARE YOU EVEN LEAVING KNIVES OUT?! THAT'S NOT SAFE!"

"We're terrible sorry, Shizuo. Celty is too, she never meant for it to happen and she feels awful if you'd just listen to her," Shinra protests in a desperate attempt to calm me down, but I'm past that point.

"I DON'T CARE! BEING SORRY ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING!"

I sent a cabinet flying past Shinra's head and through the wall, followed by two other large objects.

"Stop! Think of Izaya!" Shinra yells.

That makes me pause. I drop the heavy object I'd been prepared to throw breathing heavily. Shinra flinches away from it a little bit, but holds his ground.

"You have to believe that we're doing everything possible to help Izaya right now, Shizuo. Now if you want to help him get better I advise taking him to your house before he wakes up and we'll continue his medical treatment from there. He's lost a lot of blood and had quite a scare, but I gave him a transfusion and moving to a new environment should help with that. Can you do that, Shizuo?"

I look into his eyes and realize something. This whole time he's been taking care of Izaya he was afraid. He didn't want me to take him but now that this has happened he has no choice but to trust me not to kill the flea. It shocks me that he would have so little trust in me while at the same time I realize it's true. I vow right then never to lose control again. No matter what I will never become angry enough to hurt anyone unknowingly.

"I can do that," I say.

"Good."

Shinra gave me a pack of medical supplies and explained what they were for. Then, after giving me instructions on taking care of him he sends me off.

I carry Izaya's blanket wrapped form through the chill streets. Everything seems like a threat now. Even Izaya waking up sounds like a dangerous scenario. This is making me paranoid. I worry that it's too cold and Izaya will get hypothermia, which is ridiculous because the temperature isn't getting that cold yet. I worry that someone will try to pick a fight with me. I worry that Izaya's cuts will start bleeding again. I worry that he'll die of starvation or dehydration. I worry he'll remember me and freak out.

When I finally get back home I have to step around the dog, which keeps getting in my way which only worries me more, before laying Izaya gently on the couch. I turn up the heat a little, just in case, and sit down next to him. He looks so weak and vulnerable. Like a child. I push some of his raven hair out of his face.

Almost an hour later he stirs and opens his eyes. I don't know what Shinra gave him but it's still affecting him now.

He eyes are wide and panicked and his breathing is so quick I'm afraid he's hyperventilating. Izaya sits up pulls his arms out of the blankets and stares at his bandaged arms as if he doesn't believe what he's seeing. Slowly a tear rolls down his cheek followed quickly by another one. He looks up at my face. His expression is so hopeless and desolate it even makes me sympathetic.

"Izaya," I say. "Why would you do that?" It's a stupid question, but it's the only thing I can come up with after seeing Shinra, Celty, and now the flea himself breaking down.

"I just want it all to end. Why can't it be over?" he asks quietly.

"I don't know," I answer. "But if you give up now I guess you'll never find out."

His head falls into his hands and his shoulders start shaking uncontrollably. It catches me off guard. Seeing the flea cry nearly freezes me in place, but some instinct takes over and I put my arm around his shoulders letting him cry into my shirt. Any other time I would have been seriously annoyed, but somehow it doesn't make me angry. I just let him cry. And cry. And cry. And cry. And cry. It gets to the point where I am about to get a towel and wipe up the puddle I'm sure he's about to make. When he sobs finally subside I realize it's because he fell asleep. I start to carefully move him off of me when he shifts and his eyes open a little bit. He looks around while I wait for him to freak out or start crying again, instead he closes his eyes and his breathing becomes deep and regular again. Unable to move I slowly drift off as well.

When I wake up he's still asleep. Unable to get up I carefully reach into my pocket and pull out a cigarette. Carefully extracting a lighter I light it up and stick it between my lips. I suck the smoke into my lungs and sigh, sending a trail of smoke into the shafts of early morning sunlight coming through the windows of the apartment.

Izaya opens his eyes just as I'm putting out the cigarette. Immediately he starts coughing violently and I realize my mistake. The smoke irritates his lungs. I open a window to clear out the smoke and give him some of the cough medicine Shinra sent.

After that I make breakfast while carefully watching him to make sure he doesn't try anything. There's not really anything like a medical scalpel lying around in my apartment, but you never know. Izaya has always been creative.

Shinra told me that Izaya wouldn't be able to take a lot of foods that are hard to digest and gave me a list of things that would be good for the flea. I settle on heating up some broth because it's the easiest thing to do.

The whole time I'm making breakfast Izaya doesn't move. He sits on the couch petting his puppy. His brown eyes are fixed on something only he can see, unless there's something weird on my wall that I don't know about. What with his blank stare and repetitive petting motions he looks like he's hypnotized. It sort of fits the description of what Shinra told me to look for in shock, but I'm too lazy to look up what to do about it. My philosophy is: if he's not flipping out he should just be left alone.

I set out his broth and my breakfast on the table.

"Do you want something to eat?" I ask, hesitantly. His current state is starting to creep me out.

He snaps back to reality and looks sharply at me. "Not really," he says, listlessly.

I sigh. Shinra said this might happen, but he also said that even though I am no longer allowed to force the food down his throat I should do everything possible to get him to eat it. 'At this point only Izaya can decide whether he wants to keep on living or not, we can only point him in the right direction.'

"It's good," I say, trying to tempt him. "It's nice and hot."

His eyes start to glaze over to the point where I can't even tell if he's looking at me anymore.

"Izaya?" I call.

He snaps back. "Yes?"

I point to the bowl and his nose wrinkles in disgust. At the same time his eyes light up as he smells the food.

"I made it, you can trust me."

He stares longingly at the food. Hunger is obviously starting to win over his inhibitions. "Well?" he snaps finally. "It's not as though I can get up and walk, I can barely sit up! Are you going to tease me or let me eat it?"

Oh yeah. I feel the tips of my ears grow hot as I realize the obvious: if Izaya could barely walk across a room before his episode there's no way he's going to walk now.

I carry the bowl into the living room and sit next to him on the couch. He instantly shrinks away from me before catching himself. I hand Izaya the spoon, but hold the bowl myself because I don't want him spilling it all over my floor. I don't want to clean up avoidable messes. With a shaking hand Izaya dips the spoon in and brings it up to his lips, spilling a lot of it before it even makes it down his throat.

After that first spoonful he can barely eat the soup fast enough. This causes him to spill more soup and finally I stand up and go to the kitchen to get a straw. If he can just drink it out of the bowl he won't spill any and it's not as though there's actually anything in the broth.

When I come back he has a stricken expression on his face as if I just slapped him.

"What?" I ask, sitting back down and giving him the straw.

"I thought you weren't going to let me have any more like…." He trails off and drink his soup.

When he's done I take the bowl back into the kitchen and feed the dog. After that I sit down and have my own breakfast. While I'm eating I call Tom and ask for a few days off work. I feel bad asking for all this time off. One: It seems so ungrateful to just skip out on work when Tom's done so much for me and two: if I can't keep this job I'll feel twice as guilty for letting my brother down. But with Izaya in his present condition it can't be helped. Tom is understanding enough, considering the only information I can give him is that I have to take care of a sick relative and gives me as many days off as I need. I promise I'll be back as soon as possible and he tells me not to hurry.

"Who was that?" Izaya asks as soon as I hang up the phone.

"My boss, Tom. I had to ask for some days off so I can take care of you," I explain so he won't jump to conclusions that I'm selling him out or anything.

Izaya nods.

"You can watch some TV if you want," I say as he starts another blank staring episode. "There might be some reality show on."

Izaya shoots me a disgusted look. "There's nothing real about those shows it's all a lot of staged drama. Real humans are so much more interesting." He looks longingly at my apartment window.

"I don't get Shinra's type of view. People or otherwise," I say absently. Izaya seems to shrink to half his already small size. I mentally hit myself over the head with a vending machine for saying something so stupid. Izaya probably doesn't want to remember Shinra or his apartment right now. "You can still check it out though," I say quickly.

"No, it's okay," Izaya squeaks. "I'd rather stay here."

I nod sharply, still mad at myself.

The puppy jumps off of Izaya's lap and scampers over to its food, gobbling up the kibble quickly. Now that it's not malnourished and filthy it's actually a pretty good looking dog. I look at Izaya, comparing their transformations. The dog looks great, almost the perfect picture of health. Still on the skinny side, but otherwise, perfectly healthy. Izaya on the other hand, while not as skinny, dirty, or sick as when I found him, looks paler and more depressed. He has large, dark circles under his eyes as if he hasn't slept in weeks and his eyes are bloodshot. His expression and movement express fear and anxiety while the puppy is happy and content. In short: I'm a failure at taking care of humans, but I can take care of animals.

After I finish breakfast I wash all the dishes. I walk into the living room and sit on a chair that is positioned just the right way to catch the sunlight. I turn to Izaya.

"Izaya, can you-can you tell me what's wrong?" I ask in the hopes that maybe if I get all the information I can put it together into a solution. It sounds like a really Izaya-like plan, but it might work.

Izaya looks up, surprised to hear me talking. "Everything. I'm scared, more scared then I've ever been in my entire life, but even though I know that I can't remember anything about my life. Not my family, or my friends, or anything about myself. Sometimes I see something and it sparks a memory and I remember something, but it's never anything important and then I remember…being…captured and tortured…..and-and I don't know if I'll ever remember anything again or if I even want to because every time I do it brings back other memories." He buries his face in his hands. "I know I like fatty tuna-a lot, in fact, but just looking at it….it just makes me so sick. I just can't make myself eat it anymore. I don't even want to think about it anymore."

That sounds awful. Did they do that with everything Izaya likes? Is it some sort of safeguard so he'll never even try to remember?

Izaya lifts his head and starts talking again, "But then there's you and I don't even know what to think anymore. You threw that thing at me and I wasn't scared. It hurt a lot, but I think…for the first time ever I remembered something about myself. Everything just felt right at that moment and I didn't know what to think. Then you found me and-and took care of me and I don't know. I've never felt that way about anything like that before ever since I got away. You're the first person I've ever looked at and been able to trust like this. But I don't know. You took me to that place and you left me and every day I thought you were never coming back, but you always did and then….." he breaks off, but it's more than that. It looks like he's shut down. All the light in his eyes and emotion on his face seem to just switch off like he's a computer program and the program ended so it shut down.

"I-Izaya?" I ask. He doesn't answer, just stares blankly into space and nothing I do can snap him out of it. Finally I give up, letting him come around on his own time.

I think about what Izaya said about the ootoro and stuff and guilt suddenly washes over me. Celty and I had tried to make him eat that ootoro and then when he refused we'd actually forced it down his throat. We are horrible people. I wasn't even thinking, but how could I be expected to think of something like that? I don't know what's wrong with him. Shinra is the one who should be expected to know stuff like that. But why didn't Izaya eat the sushi that Shinra brought him? Was he just too upset from the ootoro episode or was it something else? The more I think about it the more I come up blank. There has to be an obvious answer, but nothing pops up.

"I can't think like this! That's Izaya's job. I just throw stuff around when I get mad and hope for the best. How am I even supposed to do this?" I demand of no one in particular.

"You'll figure it out."

I look over at Izaya, he hasn't changed since I last looked at him. But I heard him say it. I get an eerie chill running down my back and shiver. This is not normal. Eventually his eyes close and he falls asleep for the rest of the day. I mostly go around my business, casting nervous glances at him every so often until I finally go to bed.

The next day goes basically the same way and so does the next one and the next one and the next one. It's a never-ending cycle. A dull never-ending cycle. As Izaya's health progresses he slowly starts to eat normal food again. Shinra checks on him every so often, mostly while he's asleep and is pleased with the informant's progress.

"It's amazing how well he's recovered," Shinra marvels at the end of one such visit. I nod because he has recovered, physically. "Any progress with his mind?" Shinra asks.

"No, he says he remembers more each day, but not anything before…well, whatever," I say. Izaya always fades out when he starts talking about his kidnapping and I seem to be picking up the habit.

Shinra reaches into his bag and pulls out a bottle of medicine. "Try giving him this, I think it might help. I nod and put it in my pocket. "Tell me as soon as you see any results, no matter what they are." With that Shinra turns and leaves, waving cheerily. I got back inside and wake Izaya up.

"Wake up, Izaya. C'mon, wake up," I say, shaking him gently. He sleeps a lot, Shinra says this is a sign of depression, but I like to think he's just healing faster.

Izaya slowly opens his eyes. "Wha-?"

"I need you to take this and then you can go back to sleep," I say gently, pulling the bottle out of my pocket. I check it out. The label doesn't say much so it must be something Shinra whipped up himself. There are a few typed instructions that say: Take full bottle for best results.

"What is it?" he asks.

"Medicine to help you feel better," I say, unscrewing the cap.

"I feel fine."

"Take it anyway," I snap.

"I'll take it tomorrow."

After a lot of arguing and yelling he finally takes it and we both go to bed.