AN: Inspired by lyrics from "Sand and Water" by Beth Neilsen-Chapman
Pushing the door shut behind the last person leaving, I leaned heavily against it. I thought they'd never leave. Oh I know they meant well but right now I just wanted to be alone. I didn't want to have to be strong. Didn't want to put up the front that I was holding things together because I felt as though everything had crumbled around me. The last few days have been a blur. I couldn't even tell you what the casket I had buried Kathleen in looked like or what dress I had chose to have her buried in. It was like someone else had made those decisions.
Now, finally I was alone in a room, if not the house, I could fall apart if I wanted to and no one would have to know. But the tears just wouldn't come. I just felt numb. It felt as if my life was over too.
In the kitchen, I could hear my mother cleaning and putting things away. It seemed like everyone who had showed up at the house had come bearing food. She wouldn't be leaving tonight as she had said she wanted to be sure Kurt and I would be alright before leaving.
At the thought of my son, I pushed myself away from the door. My little boy had spent the entire day by my side - alternately crying and just clinging silently. His small hand had been engulfed in mine as we left the cemetery. I had wanted to tell him that everything was going to be okay but I couldn't. I wasn't sure that I believed that right now. So instead I had taken his hand, wanting him to know he wasn't alone.
By the time we had gotten home, he was exhausted but refused to go take a nap, instead following me around the house, holding on to my suit jacket when his hand wasn't grasping mine. Finally, though he was really too old for me to be doing so, I had picked him and held him close. He had always been small for his age and he had felt light in my arms . Still, Kurt had fought sleep. My mother had finally coaxed him into her arms and taken him down to his room. When she came back an hour later she said he had finally fell asleep.
Now I headed for his room, keeping my footsteps light as I descended. Kurt was still asleep, eyes puffy from crying though traces of the tears were gone now. His dress shirt was visible at the top of the light blanket that covered him. His soft features reminded me of Kathleen and I was reminded of what I had lost. I knew this little boy was going to be the only thing that kept me going in the days to come. He was my only reason for living right now in a world that seemed so empty otherwise.