[21 May 2010]
It's been six days since Ruth awoke and I've managed to stay away from her, the latest terror threat doing much to keep my mind occupied. I check in with her doctors every morning on my way to work and I always stop by on my way home to check on her. Her mother is sometimes still there, but more often than not, Ruth's sleeping and I can watch her through the window to my heart's content. My behaviour must be quite perplexing to those who see me standing there, but my explanation that I don't wish to disturb Ruth's rest seems to have won me a warm smile of approval from the nurse who's usually on night duty when I visit. She always greets me with it and a kind word as she slips past me into Ruth's room while on her rounds. She must assume that I visit her at other times too when she's awake.
Three days ago, Ruth had surgery to set her broken bones and, thankfully, everything went well. She's being discharged the day after tomorrow, so tomorrow is the final day I'll be seeing her. I've decided to do what's right and stay away even though my heart's torn to shreds at the mere thought of it. We've done it before though and, for her sake, I can do it again. If her memory never returns, she will be happy and safe away from MI-5, and if it does come back one day, then I hope she will understand why I'm doing this and will be able to forgive me. After all, she has never wanted an intimate relationship with me, at least, not in the way I have imagined it, involving more than just the close professional relationship and friendship we've shared up to now.
The team have agreed to give Ruth some space to deal with her amnesia, so they've refrained from hospital visits, letting me bring them updates on her condition and sending her some flowers, chocolates and whatever else Beth's organised for her instead. Tomorrow her temporary replacement arrives from GCHQ, and though we desperately need an experienced analyst on the team, what with Ruth and Malcolm both absent now, I'm dreading seeing someone else attempt to fill her shoes. I'm not sure I can face the finality of tomorrow. I need a drink.