[23 May 2010]

I broke into Ruth's house today. It's a Sunday so I didn't have to go into work, and for once in probably several months, I didn't go in anyway. Instead I spent the morning constructing my legend, and in order to do that, I needed information. So I waited until her mother had left the house to pick her up from hospital. Then I broke in and, using one of Tariq's nifty gadgets that I'd borrowed without his knowledge, I identified the code of her alarm. It was 140706, the date of our one and only date, and it made me feel so much better about this deception that I'm practising on her.

I figured I had two hours at the very least until Ruth got home from the hospital, so I quickly and methodically set to work gathering information and planting evidence in places that were logical and yet wouldn't arouse her mother's suspicion. She's been staying at Ruth's place since the accident and she might notice the sudden appearance of an extra toothbrush, for instance. Thank goodness Beth had moved out some time in April.

Once I'd finished, I left the house, using one of the extra sets of house keys I'd found and taken in keeping with my legend to lock the door, and drove back home to begin building my legend.

We're engaged which means that I often stay at her house overnight and she at mine. I keep some of my things there, an extra toothbrush, shaving kit and bottle of cologne, a few changes of clothes, something to sleep in, a CD or two and some books. I also know where all the rooms are and where everything is kept, especially in the kitchen. I know what shampoo, conditioner, shower gel and moisturising cream she uses, and what perfume she wears. We have sex, so we use contraception, condoms as I couldn't find any indication that Ruth is on the pill or has an IUD (I surreptitiously checked her medical records yesterday at the hospital when the doctor was called away urgently while I was in his office. Yet another reprehensible act on my ever growing list of sins). We've been dating for almost seven months, since my birthday last year when Ruth surprised me with an invitation to dinner to celebrate. We've been taking things slowly and didn't have sex until Christmas, but since then we've enjoyed an active sex life.

By the afternoon when I went round to visit Ruth, I had everything memorised, the only gap in my knowledge being Ruth's personal habits (what she likes to eat, when she sleeps, what she enjoys doing in her free time) and of course, how to please her in bed. I will be paying close attention to the former and I'm not worried about the latter. I'm a decent lover and I know I can learn to please her. Besides, it'll be a while until she has healed enough for that.

I arrived armed with flowers (the last of the lilacs from my garden) that I'd thought to bring at the last moment and some of Ruth's CDs that were supposedly at my place, but which I'd really only borrowed this morning. (I've borrowed quite a few things of hers that are now safely tucked away in various parts of my house. I also went out and bought new bottles of her shampoo and conditioner among other things that I deemed appropriate, making sure to tip out some of the liquid so they don't look brand new.)

Her mother answered the door, shaking my hand in greeting as I stepped into the house and holding the flowers for me while I removed and hung up my coat. It was the first time I'd met Ruth's mother, Elizabeth. Usually the duty of telling the parents about an officer's death falls to me, but after Ruth had faked her death, I hadn't had time to do it before I was on a plane to Beirut on my way to find Catherine. Adam had told me that Zaf had talked to Elizabeth as he'd spent the night before her exile keeping Ruth company and he felt he owed it to her. Apparently he'd told her the truth, or as close to the truth as he could under the circumstances. I'm not sure I would have done that. I suspect I would have lied to keep Ruth safe like I did with Zoe, so it's turned out for the best that Zaf had been the one to speak to her. I'm not sure she would have been able to forgive me otherwise. Adam told me later that Elizabeth had been very convincing at Ruth's funeral and no one would have guessed that she hadn't lost her child. I suppose, in many ways, she had.

Ruth was pleased to see me and was thrilled that I'd picked the flowers myself, which was a relief and something I must remember for future reference. She was sitting on the settee, her legs stretched out before her supported by a foot stool, looking as beautiful as ever and much better for being out of hospital. She took the flowers and sniffed them happily, beaming up at me before inviting me to sit by her as Elizabeth tactfully excused herself to locate a vase, allowing me the opportunity to properly kiss Ruth.

It was wonderful.

When Elizabeth returned with the vase and set the flowers on the table, she asked me several question about myself and my relationship with Ruth, but I was expecting it and was well prepared for the interrogation that followed. Apparently, Ruth has mentioned me a lot to her mother over the years, which was very gratifying to hear and also made my story much more believable. Neither Elizabeth nor Ruth doubted my word, which was a relief as I'd expected them to be as suspicious as I would have been under the circumstances. Then again, I forget sometimes how simple and straightforward people's lives are when they don't work for the service. And though Elizabeth had been on her guard initially, it was easy enough, for someone of my skill, to charm her and put her at ease, especially since I didn't have to fake any of my feelings for her daughter. It was obvious, however, that she was hurt that Ruth hadn't told her about our relationship and engagement. I explained that Ruth has always been very wary of office gossip and a little concerned about how people might react to the age difference between us, so she'd wanted to give our relationship a chance before telling anyone about it, and that after we'd got engaged, she'd planned to tell her mother but had wanted to do it in person, not over the phone. Luckily Ruth hasn't seen her mother since Christmas, so it wasn't too hard to believe my explanation, even if it was still rather hurtful.

Elizabeth, however, doesn't strike me as the type to hold a grudge. In fact, she's very much like her daughter in many ways. She's kind and considerate, clever, principled, loving towards Ruth, and has a gentle sense of humour. And once I'd finished answering both their questions about Ruth and me, they were both satisfied. Elizabeth did ask me if I had been the man Ruth had been protecting when she'd left England for a while, and when I confirmed that I was, the last of her doubts seemed to disappear and she was ready to accept me as her future son-in-law.

I was careful not to show my relief, and then of course, I had to explain some of what had happened to Ruth. I omitted the part about the two of us being kidnapped and about the doctor and the boy. I saw no reason to upset her further. I could see that she was finding it difficult to deal with her lack of memories from her exile and the knowledge that there was no one who could fill them in for her. I can tell her about work, her mother can tell her about her childhood, and there is always the possibility that she can meet someone who can tell her about GCHQ or her student days at Oxford. But her time away will always be a big blank unless her memory returns. I find myself now hoping that it doesn't, at least, not for some time yet. I need to build a life with her before my deception is discovered if I am to have any hope of ever being forgiven.