[9 June 2010]
Ruth's remembered something. I should be pleased, but instead I'm terrified. She dreamt of the EERIE exercise we had in 2003 when I had to pretend I was dying. She woke up in the middle of the night and proceeded to tell me about her dream and how scared she'd been that I was going to die. I've never realised before how much of an impact it had had on her. I remember going for drinks afterwards at the George and how often she'd smiled at me, relieved that I was all right. She'd drunk a little too much wine, and just before she'd left the pub, she'd come up to me and told me that, if I ever scared her like that again, she'd kill me herself. I'd laughed it off at the time, but since then, I've often wondered if that wasn't the time when we both first became aware of our feelings for each other.
I've spent the better part of today anxiously contemplating the return of Ruth's memory and what it will mean for us. I have half a mind to tell her all right now, but I'm afraid that it's too soon. How can I convince her that, though I have forced her into a level of intimacy that she's always avoided with me, everything else about my feelings and our interaction has been genuine and true? How can I prove that it is not an act, an elaborate deception constructed by a devious mind with ulterior motives? After all, I am perfectly capable of doing that and have done so in the past for Queen and country. How can I make her see that this is not a honey-trap, but the badly conceived plan of a man who was blinded by love, the fear of losing her, and a desperate need to protect her in the only way he knows how - by keeping her closer than she has ever allowed before. I cannot see a way forward, and if all hell breaks loose, I rather selfishly want more than ten days worth of memories of our time together to cling to in the bleak months ahead.
And then there is another side to all this that I must acknowledge. Part of me is enjoying living on the edge like this – the danger, the gamble, the high stakes, the adrenaline rush. I've missed it. It's like being back in the field, but in this instance the stakes for me personally feel higher than every before; I'm gambling not with the success of an operation or even my life this time, but with my happiness and hope for the future. And so I remain undecided. I know I need to tell her the truth at some point, but the timing of it must be perfect. I just hope my luck holds for a little while longer and no more memories return just yet.
Ruth picked up on my sombre mood very quickly this morning, so I suggested that we go out somewhere and we ended up having a lovely day wondering around the Tate museum together. Now I find myself oscillating between feeling certain that my days with Ruth are numbered and believing that our love will transcend all obstacles including her returning memory and the inevitable discovery of my deception. As I write this, I can't help hoping for the latter.
Her dream last night also reminded me that I still haven't called Malcolm to tell him about Ruth. He doesn't even know that she's been injured. Perhaps it's for the best though, if he ever finds out I hid this from him, he'll probably never forgive me. It's something I fear I shall have to risk, however, as he's the only one who knows the truth - that Ruth turned down my proposal.
[10 June 2010]
No more memories have returned and I'm finally able to set my worries aside for a little while longer. My days with Ruth are not over yet, and with each passing moment, our relationship is getting stronger. I'm convinced now that, if she chooses to end it, it will be just as hard for her to leave me as it will be for me to let her go.
Ruth is getting physically stronger every day, so this morning we took a trip to Kew Gardens. The weather was lovely and we had a truly relaxing and wonderful time together. We spent much of the afternoon sitting side by side on a secluded bench, holding each other close as we listened to the birds sing or quietly discussed all manner of things. It was truly one of the most enjoyable days I've had in my life and one whose memory I will cherish for many years to come. In my mind, we now have two benches that are our own.