SIARI

A Darkened Mind

Sanctuary

Siari didn't have to speak for the door to open. It knew who she was, and unlocked on its own. Another success to report, on both counts. She had the letter of credit firmly in her bag, and the dead mark firmly in her thoughts. Returning had been uneventful, but she doubted that reporting to Astrid would be similarly unexciting. But first, the Night Mother. Bossy Astrid could wait.

Cicero bowed to her as she entered the Night Mother's chamber, and then left, so that Siari was alone in the room. Well, not really alone. Standing in front of the sarcophagus, she stood looking up at it, but there was only silence.

Seemed the Night Mother had nothing to say. She didn't let any doubt enter her mind though. The Night Mother had spoken, she'd proven it to Cicero. Of course, that didn't mean she'd always be talkative. Ah well, with a shrug, Siari turned to leave.

Not very patient, are you? At my age, you need some time before you can speak, you know.

Siari promptly turned and snapped to attention. She doubted the Night Mother really did need time before she was able to speak, and also didn't doubt that the Night Mother would have kept silent until she left, and called her impatient no matter how long she'd waited.

You're worried about Astrid, aren't you, my Listener?

Again, Siari tried to send a reply with her thoughts, but it was pointless, so she could only stand in the cave with the faintly flickering torches and wait for the Night Mother's words.

So am I, the Night Mother's gentle voice spoke in her head. She has trouble dealing with these changes. Be patient with her for now. I believe she may yet come around.

Patient, patient... Astrid was an adult, if things changed, she just had to accept and adapt.

Your task is proceeding well. While you were elsewhere, another gear in the machine has turned. Two lovers, soon to be wed. Your shadow will pass over the wedding and make it a funeral. Mere days away. For now, present yourself to Astrid and do as she requests, my Listener.

Siari nodded.

But be wary. Conflict rages inside her, and this makes me blind to her feelings and her doings. Much pain, anger and guilt in her. Affection also, but strange threads run through her heart.

Bah, Astrid just couldn't deal with the fact that she no longer ran the place.

Before you go, my Listener, I have a gift to bestow on you. Outside this Sanctuary is a dark pool, deeper than its size would make you suspect. Stand near the pool and my gift will find you. Treat it well, and it will do the same to you.

Ooh, a gift from the Night Mother. Whatever it was, Siari was certain it'd be exciting!

Now, Listener, go and speak to the one who fancies herself your mother, but isn't, and will never be.

Right, Astrid. She already dreaded the confrontation. She'd find something to get mad about as usual, and it'd end with Siari angrily turning on her heels and stomping outside.

Damn jealous control freak.

She was the Listener, not Astrid. The Night Mother had chosen her, not Astrid. Why she kept pretending to be the boss mystified her. She didn't feel guilty for the mean thoughts. Didn't feel sorry. She didn't know what 'sorry' meant.

Taking a breath and closing her eyes, she turned the handle on Astrid's door, and knocked with the other.

"Come." Astrid sounded tired and burdened. Good. This was the woman who'd taken her into the family, who'd treated her like a daughter, or a little sister, until the whole Listener thing had happened. Then she'd started being more and more resentful. Her mask had fallen off rather suddenly. And it wasn't the literal mask Siari was thinking of.

Astrid looked up, and indeed, her weary face became even more irritated. "Oh, it's you. Decided to stop by, did you?"

Ugh, Astrid. She didn't stay away on jobs any longer than the others.

"Don't give me that dirty look, Siari. Show some damn respect."

It was hard to show respect to someone who kept taking out her own inadequacy on you, and it was unnecessary to show respect to someone who'd made herself the boss without being special in any way.

When Siari came closer, she saw Astrid's face more clearly. Something pretty serious had happened to her. One of her eyes was ringed with black, and the cheek on the other side of her face was swollen and blue. Both her upper and lower lip were split, the clefts surrounded with bright red.

"It's nothing," Astrid said curtly. "Job gone wrong. Did you at least do as I told you?"

Siari felt her face harden even more. Astrid hadn't 'told' her anything. Astrid wasn't in a position to 'tell' her anything.

"Did you, or didn't you? Are you going to answer, or are you just going to stand there being the mute you are?"

Furious inside, Siari pulled the letter of credit out of her bag and slapped it down on Astrid's desk. Then she held up two fingers and drew one across her throat. Second job, mark dead.

Astrid scoffed, looking at the letter. "Of course you pulled it off without a hitch. Of course you did." Her eyes went back to Siari. "Don't let a few successes get to your head. Don't start walking around with your head in the clouds and acting like everything you do is magic, because I won't tolerate you treating the rest of us like dirt because you're the Night Mother's favourite."

Siari opened her mouth to silently protest, but all she could do was move her mouth like a fish, without making any sound. Furiously, she grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down,

not my fault if you can't stomach no longer being able to push anyone around

Astrid read the paper and went white with anger. "How dare you suggest that I… that I… I brought you into this family. I treated you as my sister, made my home yours, made this family yours. I trained you to be one of us, and this is the thanks I get?" She held up the paper. "This kind spiteful, ungrateful rottenness? Did I really make such a big mistake bringing you into this family?"

She was obviously playing the pity angle now, but Siari merely shrugged. Astrid was only reaping what she'd sowed. It was sad that they'd fallen out this way, but Siari wouldn't lose sleep over this petty junk.

"I've got a job for you, Siari," Astrid said, her lips rigid. "You're going back to Riften. And you're going back to the Thieves' Guild. And you're going to answer a few questions they have for you."

Siari made a face to show how absurd that was. Why in Oblivion would she have to go to Riften and answer the Guild's questions? What kind of horseshit was that?

"I am telling you to go to Riften. The Night Mother may have pulled your name out of her hat, but I still run the day-to-day of this family," Astrid raised her voice. "And don't you forget it. Now, unless the Night Mother has pressing duties for you, you will do as I tell you. Back to Riften."

Siari sighed and rolled her eyes. Fine. If the Night Mother didn't object, sure, why the balls not. If Astrid was so eager to send her to Riften, why the balls not.

Astrid's anger fell away, and Siari saw genuine sadness on her face. "Why are you doing this, Siari?"

Siari pulled up her shoulders. Why was she doing what?

"This," Astrid said, gesticulating toward her. "Undermining me. Tearing our family apart."

Siari snorted and rolled her eyes. Geez, Astrid, what drama. She wasn't tearing anything apart, she wasn't undermining anyone. She was just... she took a paper and wrote:

just doing my duty

Astrid read the paper and sighed. "I understand, I do. And I don't want you to go against the Night Mother, but... Why is she making you go against me?"

Siari shook her head. She isn't, Astrid.

Astrid rose and stepped towards Siari. "Siari, there's something I really need you to know."

Siari raised an eyebrow.

Without warning, Astrid put her arms around Siari and held her tight. Silently, she endured the discomfort of being so close to someone else.

"I want you to know that, no matter what happens," Astrid said in her ear, "everything I do, I do for the good of this family." Her arms unwrapped Siari, but her hands remained on her upper arms, and her eyes were fixed on Siari's. "Even things you might not understand. Even things..." She struggled for words. "... that you might find unjust."

Siari frowned, feeling decidedly uncomfortable with what Astrid had just said, and especially, the way she'd said it.

"And I also want you to know, and I want you to never forget this, that I care deeply about you. No matter what I do or say. Do you... do you understand?"

Siari nodded, the frown still on her face. She understood, but...

"And do you believe what I say?"

That was a different matter. Did she believe Astrid? The plea sounded sincere enough, but she'd known other people to sound sincere too, before. They hadn't always been. Nowhere near. She looked Astrid in the eyes, trying to tell truth from lie, but she could only see true sadness and pain in Astrid's face. She was telling the truth, Siari realized. She might have lied about other things, or been unable to face her own faults, but this, this was the truth. This was really how she felt.

A strange feeling took hold of Siari, one she didn't know very well. Or hadn't known for so long she'd forgotten it. Because despite that she considered Astrid to be a bossy, domineering and selfish control freak, she also realized that Astrid did, in fact, care deeply about her so-called family. And in turn, as strange as it was to acknowledge, Siari did care for her... somehow. She didn't care for her attitude, or her difficulty, or her need to be in charge, but she did have strange emotions for Astrid as a person. It was the first time she found herself actually understanding that other people also had feelings, not just her. That they weren't just scenery, or actors in the play where she was the only real person.

Startled by the feeling, she felt her breathing abruptly speed up and her stomach knot, and reflexively, she pushed the feeling deep down again. Because she didn't want to face this. Didn't want this feeling to manifest, because if it did, what other feelings might still surface? What other things might still happen in her mind? Even changes so strong that they'd make her think about all the things she'd done so far. Even shifts so influential that they'd force her to abandon her blissfully ignorant view on the world.

She didn't need, and didn't want things that would make her question herself.

To get Astrid away from her, she nodded at her, making it clear that she believed her, and when Astrid let go of her, the moment of intense doubt passed, making way for her usual, and comfortable state of emotional numbness to everything that wasn't herself.

"Even though I don't show it the right way," Astrid concluded, "I care about you, and I love you. You are my family, although it might... not always seem like I think so."

She acknowledged Astrid, and turned to leave.

As she pushed the door handle, Astrid said one last time, "Remember. No matter what happens."