I am back! Finally- A HUGE thanks to all of my followers; new and old.

The last time I'd seen my mother was a week ago when I'd turned 15. The event had been a somber one, even though everyone else had laughed and my brothers loved the undivided attentions of my mother. We'd even had ice cream and cake, and they had played football in the attic afterwards. I had been allowed to play, but instead I stayed upstairs, tears dripping onto my cake and mixing with my vanilla ice cream. Before, Sodapop or maybe even Ponyboy would have come up to talk to me, because I was the baby and they hated it when I was upset. But this was not before, and as it was, I could hardly bare to even look at either of them or Steve.

I wished that I could confide in my mother the feelings that I was having lately and ask her if any of it was normal, or if I was just going mad like Alice. I felt so wrong all the time; I had had a lot more dreams starring my brothers and I had daydreams sometimes. Except these weren't the daydreams of my past- thinking about allowances spent on creamy ice cream and sunny summer days at the pool- no, instead I relived the moment Steve had kissed me and kneaded my breast in his hand. I thought endlessly on what might have happened if Ponyboy hadn't left the bathroom when I'd yelled at him. But mostly, I thought about Soda and his... I couldn't think it, not even in the deepest reaches of my mind.

I knew what the hardness meant though, because I'd known about erections for a while now. Also, I had dug up a book in the attic. One day I had been sorting through crates and stacks of miscellaneous items, until I had found a whole lot of magazines, none of them interesting me. Until I found it. It had been in one of the crates stacked behind the magazines, at the very bottom, bundled up in a few frilly blouses. When I rifled through the blouses, looking for something to pass the time, it fell out of a neck hole and onto an open page. The rough pages were yellowed around the edges, but I barely noticed it at the time. For on that page was a god of marble, one leg folded, his arm resting across it, his legs spread. Between them was a -. I still couldn't bring myself to mention that word. But it was beautiful, and he took my breath away.

I was stuck on that page for quite a long period of time, actually. And once I did move on to look through the rest of the book, my expectations were met with disappointment. All it had were a few more pictures of the male anatomy that weren't nearly as nice as the first one, pictures of the uterus- which I found creepy, to be completely honest, and a bunch of subscripts about being a good wife. I kept the whole thing just for that one page. At this very moment, I can feel the hard cover of my secret, bundled into a baby-blue blouse and tucked into my pillow.

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It was Friday cleaning day, and so we all went down to the attic.

A sense of restlessness that had been filling up our lives for a few weeks now completely emanated from every pore of every person. The newest thing was to tie bedsheets and crawl up to the roof where sunbathing could commence, or one could dangle his or her feet off the edge, or wander the expanse of the roof. I could just about hear them all, the light tap tap of sneaker heels over the edge and the strong smell of smoke.

They never invited me up on the roof anymore, because I never asked and I had refused to go up there from the start; I took it as the perfect opportunity to wander into some not-so-creepy sector of the attic. I settled myself into one of my usual reading nooks and pulled Of Mice and Men from under my shirt. Except, it wasn't Of Mice and Men at all. I had forgotten to grab it from the bedside, and I cursed myself hoping it had fallen on the ground where the maids wouldn't find it. I just about tucked it back under my sweater, and then, on second thought, I opened it to the dog-eared page.

I had realized early on that the reason this one was my favorite was because he had hair just like Sodapop, eyes like Ponyboy and his same dreamy look, plus Steve's nose. A match made in heaven.

I don't know exactly how long I was staring at that one page, but it was apparently long enough to shut out the rest of the world.

"What you readin' Al?"

"Oh, jeezus. You scared me. Nothing." I jumped out of my skin and slammed the book shut, resting my hand against my heart and then moving it to my forehead. I hoped that I looked like I'd been in the throes of some horror novel.

"Scary book?" Ponyboy peered down at me, sneaking glimpses at the cover.

"You know it... that dear old Mary Shelley. You've read Frankenstein, right?"

"Yeah but, Frankenstein is a lot longer than that tiny thing."At that moment, Pony slitted his eyes, almost evilly and tore the book out of my grip.

"Pony! Give it back, I'm on a good-" I stopped short as the book fell open to the page. THAT PAGE. The dog-eared page which haunted my dreams and fueled my fantasies.

Pony sat there for a long time, book open to that page and he didn't utter a word or even move- a new record for him. A slow and slogging eternity seemed to pass until my brother finally closed that book up. I had spent the time resigning myself to some sort of scolding or punishment.

"Ally..." Ponyboy whispered my name and I went limp. I knew it was wrong, so so wrong to want your brother the way I wanted Pony. His hand reached out to touch my cheek and I felt a whole cage of butterflies explode out of my chest. He leaned forward and I could nearly taste his cigarettes, his breakfast, everything. Ponyboy's soft lips enveloped mine with great hunger, and I was lost in him and him in me. One of his hands gripped my bare hip under my sweater, as the other one stroked a sensual path up and down my arm.

"Holy fucking shit."