The Past, The Present, and Perhaps a Future
Chapter Five: Can't Go Home Again
Thoughts/Texts
The next morning Talis arrived at 9am on the dot and John let her in on his way out, "You guys need some alone time," he smiled, "Besides there's a level two case that needs my attention."
Talis smiled in thanks, "Good luck John, and remember when in doubt, the butler did it." Her eyes sparkled mischievously before she headed up to 221B.
Sherlock was just putting the final touches on the eggs Florentine when she entered, "Two meals in less than 24 hours, who are you and what have you done with Sherlock Holmes?" she teased, well acquainted with his usual lack of eating.
He turned to face her, ignoring her tease, "I walked the city all night," he handed her a cup of coffee, "-decaf-" he clarified before she accepted it. Caffeine was one of the things she had been advised to avoid, she had always loved coffee more for the flavor than it's supposed "perk up" capabilities and had made the switch to decaf quite easily.
It warmed her heart that Sherlock had correctly assumed regular coffee was out of the question and had gone out to get decaf for her… or knowing him, had sent John out to get decaf for her.
"I want to meet him." Sherlock told her confidently, "I thought it through, and I want to meet him."
Talis stared at him, emerald orbs piercing into him with such intensity he almost squirmed. She found whatever it was she was looking for a moment later because she smiled, that brilliant smile that was reserved for him, warming his insides pleasantly.
"Had you been anyone else I would've doubted your ability to fully think through this decision in just one night. But, since you're you…" she trailed off as she removed her coat.
Sherlock took her coat, hanging it next to his before returning to pull out her chair, tucking her in, "Does he know you're-" he choked on the words, "Does he know you're ill?"
Talis shook her head as Sherlock joined her at the table. "I don't know how to tell him, he knows I'm not feeling well, he just doesn't know the extent of my condition." She placed a napkin across her lap. "He thinks the move to London is because I was homesick. Although he's probably already figured out that you're here in London as well." She sipped her coffee, "He really is too smart for his own good."
Sherlock smiled, taking her hand in his before asking about the elephant in the room, "Does he know who I am?"
Talis nibbled on her lip before nodding once, "He knows who the great Sherlock Holmes is, treats your website and John's blog like the Holy Grail," she chuckled, "He knows that I knew you back in uni, but I haven't told him about our past, or that you're his father."
She looked ashamed as Sherlock tried to mask his hurt, his hand slipping from hers, "I didn't know how or what to tell him," she confessed as she reached out to Sherlock, "It's not that I didn't want to tell him, I just thought it'd be easier if he didn't know." Her voice had a desperation to it as her eyes pleaded with him to understand, "I had no intention of ever coming back into your life, and you can hate me for that, but I honestly thought I was doing what was best for the both of you."
"No you were doing what was best for you," he spat as he pulled away from her touch. His emotions were a mess right now; he couldn't really understand why it hurt so much to know that Talis hadn't told their son who he was. He had only found out he was a father yesterday, how could he care so deeply so quickly?
"I'll admit I made mistakes with regards to Nick and you," she tried to reach for him again, but he avoided her touch, causing her to fold her hands into her lap, "but you have to believe me," her eyes, open and honest searched his, "my disappearance had everything to do with keeping him safe."
"Keeping him safe from what? Me?" Sherlock narrowed his eyes at her, "Figured I couldn't be a decent father? That I'd be as cold and robotic with my own child as I am with everyone else?" The emotional roller coaster he had been on since yesterday was finally starting to derail, and Sherlock was having a hard time controlling the hurt and anger he felt.
"No," Talis shook her head fiercely, "I knew you'd love him and that you'd be a great father. It killed me to deny you the chance to prove it."
"Bollocks." He spat, "You didn't even bother to tell me about him, how could I assume anything other than you not wanting me in his life?" he could see the tears building in her eyes as she tried to explain, but he was on a roll and wouldn't stop, "Admit it, you only came back because soon you'll be dead and you just want to make sure your bastard son doesn't end up an orphan. How do I even know he's mine?"
He registered the sting of his cheek before his brain could process that she had slapped him.
"You're an asshole." She seethed, tears of fury burning their way down her cheeks.
"Yup," he agreed callously, "You've always known that, I don't know why you're so surprised by it." he took in her expression, "Oh, you are surprised by it," he smiled cruelly, "Did you think that because I have people like John and Molly in my life that I've magically turned into a nice person? That just because it turns our you're alive I'd fawn all over you? Turn back into that fool who fell for you all those years ago?" His mind was begging him to stop, but his mouth kept going, "Did you think I'd care you're dying?"
She recoiled as if he had struck her, and if she had the choice, she'd much rather take the blow than the words his wicked tongue unleashed, "Thank you," her voice hitched, on the verge of tears, "for proving that I've done the right thing by keeping him away from you." She stood up so fast the chair tipped over, the sound ricocheting through the apartment, "Clearly coming back was a mistake." She wiped at her tears and darted out the door.
Talis rushed down the stairs, trying her hardest to not completely breakdown until she was out of the flat. She vaguely registered Mrs. Hudson peeking her head out of her door, no doubt concerned by the sound the chair made when she knocked it over.
"Talis?" the matronly landlady called out, but Talis ignored her and pushed onward into the street, gulping in deep breathes of air. The sting of the winter wind hit her like a thousand needles as she realized she left her coat upstairs, but damned if she was going to go back for it. She was grateful she hadn't surrendered her pocket book upon her arrival at 221B Baker street, keeping it on her lap throughout their exchange.
Hailing a cab she jumped in and ordered the driver to drive as far away from Baker Street as quickly as possible.
Mrs. Hudson headed upstairs cautiously, she was absolutely certain that the woman who had just left here in tears was in fact Talis Jordan, Sherlock's one and only girlfriend. She wasn't as surprised as she figured she should be, after all, Talis had been just as smart as Sherlock, and if he could fake his death, it reasoned that she could as well, for what purpose though? Mrs. Hudson knew that Talis adored Sherlock and could only assume the reason was something akin to why Sherlock had disappeared.
Stepping into the kitchen, her heart broke for her boy as he sat there, staring at the seat Talis must have just vacated, a blank expression in his eyes, and a rapidly reddening cheek. Approaching him cautiously she took note of the breakfast display and assumed their reunion hadn't gone smoothly.
"Sherlock?" she reached out gently, "Are you alright?"
Sherlock startled when she touched his shoulder, looking up at her Mrs. Hudson was struck by the lost look in his eyes.
He ignored her question, simply stood up and stalked to his room, slamming the door behind him.
"Oh dear."
John returned home a couple of hours later, he would've been back sooner as the case had been quite simple (turns out Talis had been right, and he had found far too much amusement it announcing that "the butler did it!"), but he wanted to give Talis and Sherlock time to catch up.
The sight he walked into wasn't what he was expecting, the scrumptious breakfast Sherlock has slaved over sat neatly plated and untouched, one of the chairs was knocked over, and Sherlock was barricaded in his room, playing the most heart-wrenching and haunting piece he'd ever heard the man play.
He hadn't thought it was possible for Sherlock to play anything sadder than what he had played after The Woman died (fake died... what is it with super smart people faking their deaths?!). It would appear, that not for the first time John was wrong, the music the detective was playing now literally made him want to cry, there was a sadness, a desperation behind it that had been missing from The Woman's sonatas.
Sherlock had never said out loud how he felt about Talis, and he could deny it until his dying breath, but the one thing that always, always gave him away, was his violin. John doubted that Sherlock even realized that the intricate instrument was an extension of his emotions, it was like his security blanket, hiding behind it when the emotions were too difficult to express (which was nearly always).
The mental image of Sherlock dressed like Linus from the Sunday funnies, dragging the Stradivarius behind him like a blankie nearly made him smile, but the low dramatic bellow of notes brought him back to the reality at hand.
Mrs. Hudson appeared a few moments later, turning to face her John motioned to the kitchen, "What happened?"
Mrs. Hudson wrung her hands as she shrugged, "I don't know, but I'm pretty sure I saw Talis Jordan here. She was Sherlock's first and only girlfriend you know," John nodded, "I heard raised voices, the chair falling over, and then she left in tears. Poor dear even left her coat behind." She gestured to the woman's Belstaff hanging next to Sherlock's. "He's holed himself up in his room, playing that tragic song nonstop for almost two hours." Her face was etched with worry, "Perhaps you can talk to him?"
John sighed deeply before nodding, whatever row they had must have been a big one. John wondered at what they could possibly argue about now, when they had such precious little time left. "I'll go sort him out Mrs. Hudson, don't you worry."
Knocking on the bedroom door, John didn't wait for a reply to head in. Sherlock stood there at the window, staring out into nothing as his long fingers played the Samuel Barber piece from memory, not much thought going into it at all. Clearly this song was one he had played many times in the past, as muscle memory allowed Sherlock to do it even in his zombie like state.
"Alright mate, what did you do now?" John sat down on the bed, determined not to leave until he had some answers.
Sherlock ignored him and kept playing.
Talis sat in the cab as it drove all around London, in and out the city she had once found to be so safe, so comforting. Now in the harsh light of day it seemed cold, and unfamiliar, she had been gone for so long that she had romanticized the allure of the grand city. She should've known that Thomas Wolfe was right, you can't go home again. She had been a fool for trying.
To be honest, she had expected Sherlock to react this way when she first appeared before him yesterday. She hadn't expected his concern for her, or his lack of anger regarding the circumstances of her disappearance. He had even taken the news that he was a father in stride. Which is why it hurt so much more now; last night, she had allowed herself to believe that everything was going to work out, that her final days would be spent as a somewhat normal family.
What a spectacularly ignorant fool she had been.
A new wave of tears threatened to fall as she said a silent prayer of forgiveness to her son, the innocent victim in all this. Sherlock hadn't been wrong when he accused her of returning only to protect her-their son. Nikolai was the best part of her and she would move heaven and earth to do what she thought was best for him.
She had been so sure that Sherlock was the answer. She chuckled bitterly to herself, what had she expected, Sherlock was a grown man-child most of the time, how could she have expected him to raise a child?
Still all her observations of him over the last few years had lead her to the inevitable conclusion that he was a changed man for the better. She knew he was already a great man; however it seemed he was still learning to be a good one.
Pulling out her mobile, her eyes watered once more as she stared at the smiling face of her son, opening the texting program she tapped out her message:
Change in plans, London isn't what I remember it to be. I'm coming home, perhaps Korea will be a better choice.
Despite the time difference between her and Vancouver, the reply came almost instantly in the form of a phone call.
"Are you ok?" the voice on the other end was full of worry.
"No," she barely choked back a sob, "but I will be. I have to be." She sniffled, steeling her resolve, "I'll be on the evening flight back."
The voice on the other line paused, knowing better than to push Talis for more details, she would open up when she was ready. "Send me your flight info and we'll be there to pick you up." Another pause, "You know Nick will be bummed in the change of destination."
Talis sighed, "I know, but he'll love Korea. Besides, it's been far too long since you've been home."
Laughter filled the air as Nick's au pair agreed, "True, and I have been craving some proper bulgogi!"
Talis chuckled, "Not to mention some decent street food!"
The laughter died down, "Do you want me to change our tickets now? Or wait for you to come back?"
"Let's wait until I get home, we'll rebook everything together." Talis noticed the Mayfair in the distance, "I've got to go, I'll see you soon yea?"
"Alright." A pause, "Talis? He's stupid for rejecting you."
Her breath hitched again, "Nikolai's father is many things, stupid is not one of them," she wondered why she was defending him, "A fool maybe, but never stupid."
To be honest, this wasn't at all where my original story line went... I just woke up the other day and rewrote the entire chapter, hope you guys enjoyed it (as much as one can enjoy angst with a side of angst!)
For those of you wondering what Sherlock was playing, it's Samuel Barber's (First) Essay for Orchestra, Op.12 I have the version from iTunes by the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra featuring Yoel Levi. It's absolutely beautiful, haunting and heartbreaking, if you can track it down to listen to it, I recommend it, it nearly made me cry the first time I heard it, and I still get misty eyed every time I hear it.
I own nothing but Talis, Nikolai (Nick) and the au pair. Everyone else belongs to Sir Doyle, Mr. Moffat and Mr. Gatiss
Thanks for the reviews! Most specifically to thedragonaunt who has given me such wonderful and helpful reviews! She's also written some fantastically AMAZING Sherlolly stories. Seriously, they're epic, go check them out!
Getting2KnowL
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