Forbidden Feelings

Chapter 26

Draco

Draco.

I cannot begin to explain how disappointed I am in you. For my own son to turn his back on me and take sides with Mudbloods and scum is a disgrace. I'm afraid I cannot allow a member of my family to bring such us such shame, and you need to come back and join me so I can put an end to it. Please return home immediately, or I shall come and get you myself.

Father.

Draco's blood ran cold as he read his father's letter. He looked over at Hermione who was sleeping peacefully in his bed. Creeping carefully downstairs, he read the letter again, reading the sentence 'come back and join me so I can put an end to it' over and over again, until the page went blurry.

When he'd been awakened in the early hours of the morning by his father's owl tapping at the window, he'd known it hadn't been good news. Hermione had stirred in her sleep, and Draco had been relieved when she had relaxed and remained unconscious. As he stared into the roaring flames of the fire, an overwhelming sense of dread overcame him. He knew what he had to do. It was so heartbreaking, so painful that he felt his heart shattering as he made his decision. But he had to do it. For him it would be redeeming himself, making up for the terrible things he'd done in the past. But it was mainly for Hermione. He had to do this for her, so she could be safe, and live the life she deserved. Hot tears ran down his cheeks as he tried to swallow the lump that had risen in his throat, and he furiously wiped them away. No, he had to be strong.

Standing up, he made his way back up to his room. He got into bed, wrapping his arms around Hermione securely. As he held her in his arms and listened to her breathing softly, he vowed that he would make tomorrow special for her. Their last day together had to be special.

Hermione

'Hermione?'

She jumped, startled as Harry said her name loudly. Her eyes had been on Draco's at the Slytherin table, who had been returning her gaze with a strange expression; one that she could not read.

Ignoring a smirking Ginny, she turned her eyes to the left of her, finding Harry looking at her impatiently.

'Sorry?'

'I asked if you'd done Sprout's Herbology essay. Ron and I are really struggling with it and-'

'I'll give it to you later.' She sighed.

'Thanks 'Mione. You're the best.' He grinned at her, returning to his bacon and eggs.

Hermione rolled her eyes, looking towards the Slytherin table, but to her disappointment Draco had left, and Blaise Zabini scowled back at her, mouthing. 'Mudblood.'

She shook her head, sighing crossly. She loved Draco with all her heart, but his friends, she could not stand. She thought back to this morning when she had been awoken by Draco kissing her and telling her he loved her. She had immediately asked if he'd done something wrong, and he'd mockingly been outraged at her accusing manner, then padded off to use the shower, leaving her smiling. But she had noticed something in his eyes as he'd kissed her goodbye before leaving for breakfast. And she had noticed the exact same intensity just now when she had been looking at him. She sighed again, looking down at her bowl of porridge. She wondered if she was worrying for no reason, and that the events that had occurred the past few days were influencing her thoughts somehow.

'You okay Hermione?' Ginny was looking at her, frowning slightly.

She forced a smile. 'I'm fine, thank you.'

'Okay..' She didn't look like she believed her, and threw her a 'we need to talk' look before quickly kissing Harry and leaving for her first lesson.

'We should get going too, shouldn't we?' Harry nudged her slightly.

'Yeah..okay.'

'You are okay aren't you?' He looked concerned.

She smiled. 'I'm fine, Harry.'

'Listen, we haven't really talked about the attack and-'

'Honestly, I'm feeling a lot better about that. Whoever did it will get caught and expelled, I'm certain of that.' She nodded firmly.

'Are you sure?'

'Yes! Now stop looking at me like I'm on my death bed and come to Charms!'

'Wait.' Harry took hold of her arm as she stood up, and Hermione felt slightly panicked. 'We also haven't talked about Ron and Romilda. Are you sure you're okay about them?'

'Ron and Romilda? I'm fine about it! I'm really happy for him, I'm glad he's found someone else!'

'Are you sure..? As I remember when he was with Lavender-'

'That was a long time ago, Harry. I'm perfectly fine with him being with someone else now. Really.' She nodded firmly.

'Okay. I believe you.' He smiled. 'I'm sorry, you know how I just want you to be happy.'

'I know you do. And I love you for it. Now come on, we better get to Charms.'

'Fine.' He rolled his eyes, nudging her playfully as they stood up.

The day passed by slowly, and Hermione was relieved when her last lesson arrived. As she sat herself down in the Potions classroom, she was joined by Draco. She looked up at him, and he quickly threw her a small smile. She smiled back, relieved that he appeared to be his normal self. As Slughorn babbled on about the effects of an Alihotsy Draught, she felt Draco nudge her, and when she looked at him in question, he motioned to her desk, where there was a small folded up note poking out of one of her text books. She pulled it out quickly, placing it on her lap and reading it.

Meet me in the common room after dinner.

She glanced at him and nodded slowly, to which he smiled slightly in reply.

As Potions drew to an end, Hermione found herself disappointed as she became separated from Draco. While Harry chatted to her animatedly, she watched as he was joined by his Slytherin friends, and exited the classroom with them.

'Hermione?'

She was jolted out of her thoughts as Harry said her name.

'Pardon?' She looked at him, confused.

'Are you sure you're okay? You seem really...out of it today.'

'I'm fine. Just thinking about homework, that's all.'

Harry chuckled. 'Trust you.'

Hermione didn't answer, and listened half heartedly as he chatted to her whilst they were on the way to the Great Hall for dinner. She was still confused by Draco's behaviour, and was starting to wonder if something was going on, given the strange invitation to meet in their own common room.

When she sat down and food appeared on her plate, she glanced over at the Slytherin table, where Draco and Theodre Nott were sat with their heads close together, deep in conversation. She frowned to herself, wondering what on earth was going on. Although Draco had never spoken poorly of Nott, she wasn't convinced they were at all close. As she caught his glance, she narrowed her eyes in question, but he scowled at her in return, knowing full well that Nott would notice their eye contact. She sighed, looking down at her food and pushing it around her plate with her fork.

'Arf you not 'ungry 'Mione?'

She looked up at Ron in disgust as he spoke to her, mouth full of food and eyes resting greedily on her plate.

'Honestly Ronald where are your manners? Do you only ever think about your stomach?' She snapped.

He frowned, swallowing before answering her. 'I was only asking..'

She sighed. 'I know. I'm sorry. Here, take what you want.' Hermione pushed her plate towards him.

'Cheers 'Mione!' He grinned at her, and she couldn't help but smile in return.

'Can we go for a walk after dinner Hermione? I'd like to speak to you.' Ginny piped up.

She looked up at her. 'Sorry, I can't. I have plans.'

'I see.' She nodded in understanding.

'Sorry Ginny. Tomorrow? I'd love to catch up.'

'Yeah. Tomorrow sounds good.'

'In fact, I should probably go now, I have a lot to do. See you guys tomorrow!' She stood up, practically running out of the hall before her friends could utter another word. As she entered the common room, she spotted Draco straight away and smiled.

'I'm sure you must miss me so very much during the day, but was it so bad today you needed to see me extra early?' She teased.

He looked up at her. 'Something like that.'

Hermione frowned. 'Is everything okay?'

She watched him pause before answering her. 'Everything is fine. I promise.' He walked over to her, and she let out a sigh of relief as he held her close.

Draco

'And what's this all in aid of?'

Draco smiled as Hermione looked at him, noting the slight confusion in her eyes.

'Can I not spoil the girl I love once in a while?

'Draco, half of Honeydukes is on this table! And all of those books you found me! How did you know I didn't have them?'

'I may have looked through that library you call a book collection upstairs.' He grinned.

'But why..?' She frowned. 'What's gotten into you tonight?'

Draco sighed. 'I just wanted to spoil you, look after you. I fear we don't get enough time together, and that you don't realise how much I really love you.'

'I know that you love me. Of course I do. Books and sweets don't have to tell me that.' She paused, smiling. 'Although they are quite the bonus.'

'I thought so.' He smiled in return.

'Are you sure that's it? You've been acting strange all day, I didn't want to bring this up and ruin the evening, but have you heard from your father? Has he done something?'

Draco paused, looking down at his hands, her words ringing in his ears. Her question had thrown him off guard; he loathed himself for lying to her. But it was the only way he could do this. If he told her the truth he knew she would talk him out of it. And he couldn't do that. He just needed a few more hours, a few more hours of happiness with her before he walked away for good.

'No, I haven't heard from him. Now come on, let's take some of this chocolate to the sofa and you can tell me about these books you're so pleased about.' He took a box of the Honeydukes chocolates that were laying on the table and turned his back on her; walking towards the sofas.

'Draco, wait.'

He stopped as she said his name, closing his eyes in dread.

'You would tell me if Lucius has been in contact, wouldn't you?'

Opening his eyes, he turned around and faced her. 'Of course I would.'

She studied him for a second, and he stared back at her, praying that she wouldn't spot the fear in his eyes. Sighing, she finally answered him. 'Okay, I believe you.'

'Hermione, please don't let my father worry you. He will never hurt you. I promise you that with all my heart. I would never let him do anything to harm you.'

'That's what I'm worried about.' She smiled sadly.

'Please don't worry. At least not tonight. I want you to be happy, the happy, madaboutbooks, amazingly intelligent, beautiful person I fell in love with. Please, can you do that for me?'

'Of course I can.' She whispered.

'Thank you.' He replied softly, taking her hand.

After about an hour of eating chocolates and listening to Hermione babble on excitedly about her new books, Draco was exhausted as he layed back against the soft cushions of the sofa, holding her closely to his chest.

'I've been thinking.' He opened an eye slightly as Hermione spoke.

'This can't be good news.' He smirked.

'Hey!' She poked him as he laughed.

'I'm sorry. Carry on.'

'Well...okay, please don't get all worked up and worried about this as it's just a thought, and I don't expect anything if you're not ready, but-'

'Hermione, you're babbling.'

'I know, I'm sorry. Okay, here goes. Well I was thinking about when we finish school. And if all is well and your father has been caught and is in Azkaban, and we're public, well I was thinking maybe we could get a place together. Like a flat or house. Whatever we can afford really.'

Draco felt his heart sink as Hermione's words registered. 'Umm, I...' He cleared his throat, trying to find the ability to speak.

'I've scared you off, haven't I.' She sighed, sounding deflated.

'No. No of course not.' He muttered.

'So you'd like to? Find somewhere to live together I mean.'

He took a deep breath. 'I just don't think we should be making those sort of plans right now.'

'What?' She sat up, turning round to face him.

'I don't think we should be making plans like this. We don't know what's going to happen-'

'Draco, we're going to beat your father! His army is weak, they have no chance!'

'And how do you know that?' He snapped.

She stared at him, her eyes wide as she whispered. 'I don't. But we have to believe that. We need to think that way or we have no chance.'

He studied her for a second, then sighed. 'I know. I'm sorry.'

'Don't be sorry. It's okay.'

'I shouldn't have snapped at you like that.'

'It's okay, Draco.'

'No. It's not. I'm sorry.' He took her hand and she smiled at him slightly, before laying back against his chest.

'So does this mean we can talk about the future?'

He closed his eyes again, pain searing through his heart at her words. How could he do it? How could he tell her the future she was planning would not be happening? How could he break her heart?

'Hey. You still awake?' She whispered, nudging his arm gently.

He opened his eyes, and swallowed down hard. 'Yeah. I am.'

'So, can we?'

Trying to ignore the lump in his throat and find the ability to talk, he opened his mouth. 'Of course.'

'Do you think we should find a place then? I was thinking near Hogsmeade. I do love it there.'

'I see..'

'Is that okay? If you don't feel the same-'

'Of course it is.' He said, ignoring the voices in his head screaming at him to say no, to not plant false hope in her mind.

'It is?'

'If it's what you want, then definitely.'

'Oh Draco. Thank you.' She kissed his chest, taking hold of his hand.

'It's okay.' He whispered, desperately fighting the tears the were now threatening to spill. He loathed his father for this. He loathed him for being the reason that he had to break the heart of the only person he'd ever loved; the person that made his life worth living.

'Thank you. For tonight I mean. It's been perfect. You're perfect.'

He winced. 'I'm far from that.'

'No. You're not. I could not ask to have anyone better by my side.'

Draco didn't answer, and as the tears he had been fighting finally spilled, he wiped them away furiously. He felt Hermione yawn, snuggling closer to his chest, and was relieved as he carefully moved to look at her, discovering she was indeed asleep. He gently moved her so she was laying against the cushions, draping a blanket across her. As he listened to her softly breathing, Draco found he couldn't bring himself to look at her face. The guilt and pain inside his heart was tearing him apart, he'd promised her he wouldn't leave her again, he'd promised he wouldn't hurt her. She was such a loving, caring person, so strong. Yet Draco knew she was weak when it came to love. When it came to him. He wished he'd never met her, never had to share a common room with her and allowed himself to fall for her. He knew that when it came to it, she would have been better off without him. There would be no pain, no heartbreak. She would be happy, her cheeks pink, eyes bright and sparkling, her smile lighting up any room she entered. As he forced himself to look at her, he noticed how her skin was a pale, washed out shade, changing only when it reached the dark circles underneath her eyes.

As a great sense of shame overcame him, he turned away from her, unable to look at what he had done. Walking over to the fridge, he pulled out the bottle of Firewhisky he had purchased not long ago, taking a swig straight from the bottle. He swallowed the drink down hard and walked up to his room, taking it with him. He stared at Hermione's robes and uniform that were laying neatly on his bed, then noticed the small pile of books she'd left him on his desk. He started shaking, and as he took another swig of Firewhisky he finally lost control, throwing the bottle against the wall and crying out loud. He let everything out, the pain of what his father had done to him, his fear of what was going to happen to him, the overbearing heartbreak at having to leave Hermione.

As his eyes grew sore and tired from the tears that had fallen, Draco stood up, ashamed at his weakness, at his cowardly behaviour. He was surprised the noise he had made hadn't awoken Hermione, but relieved. Quickly muttering spells under his breath, he cleared up the mess he'd made, dismayed when he found Firewhisky spilled all over one of Hermione's books. Going into the bathroom, he grabbed a tissue, wiping all traces of the drink away, wanting to clean it up properly instead of using magic. As he stared down at the book, he willed the tears not to spill again. He knew that when it came to saying goodbye, it would be difficult. He knew she would put up a fight, and he knew that he wouldn't get to say everything he wanted to say.

Taking the book with him, Draco sat down at his desk, finding some parchment and dipping his quill in some ink as he prepared to write the most difficult letter of his life.

To my Hermione,

I know that when you eventually read this, I will be gone, and you most likely be feeling a lot of anger towards me, and I understand that. I want you to in fact, it's what I deserve.

I want you to know that I wouldn't have done this unless I absolutely had to. And I do, I can't risk putting you in danger, and I will not be responsible for Hogwarts being destroyed, more innocent lives being lost. I hope that one day you might understand that. I am so very sorry for what I have done to you. I find myself believing you would be a lot better off without me. I will never regret the time we spent together, but I do regret falling for you, because if I hadn't you wouldn't be in danger, and I wouldn't be responsible for breaking your heart.

Please know that I love you so very much. You make me feel something I didn't know was possible. These past couple of months with you have been the best of my life, and I cherish those memories so very much. You are responsible for making me happy; for making me a better person. And for making my world a much better place. I hope one day that you will find it in your heart to forgive me, and you will understand that I am doing this because I love you. Please don't be afraid to move on if that time comes. You have my blessing, and I hope whoever it is gives you the life you deserve, the one I couldn't give you. Thank you for brightening up my world and for making me believe in life again. You will forever be in my heart, don't forget that. Goodbye my love.

Draco.

As he put his quill down, he rested his head in his hands, feeling exhausted. He felt oddly hollow as he tucked the letter in Hermione's book, leaving it on his desk for her to find. Packing a few of his belongings into a small bag, Draco took one last look at his room before he left, the empty feeling in his chest was overwhelming as he closed the door behind him. Placing the bottle of Firewhisky from before on the table, he took a deep breath before walking over to Hermione, and gently nudging her awake.

'Mmm..' She mumbled, her eyes still closed.

'Hermione? Can you wake up please? This is important.' He said, swallowing down hard.

She slowly opened her eyes, and Draco felt pain sear straight through his heart as she smiled at him. 'Missed me again, did we?'

'Hermione...' He said softly.

Her eyes widened slightly, and he could see the shadow of concern in them as she stared at him. 'Something's happened hasn't it?'

Taking another deep breath, Draco answered her. 'Yes. It has.'

'What...' Her voice faltered as she spotted the bag in his hand. 'Draco... What's going on? Why are you holding that?'

'Please, stay calm. I need you to listen to me.'

She remained silent, staring at him with wide eyes.

'My father..well he wrote to me. Early this morning I got the owl.' He swallowed, willing himself to stay strong. 'He...he wants me to go home. In fact, he demanded I go home. Or he's coming here, to get me-'

'Draco, no! You can't!' She cried.

'I have to. I can't allow him to destroy the school and other people's lives because of me. I can't let you get hurt. I need to do this, I need to make up for what I've done in the past. I need to make sure you're safe. I have no other choice. I'm leaving now, Hermione. And I won't be coming back.'

'NO!' She shrieked, a tear running down her cheek. 'Draco, please! We can get Harry, McGonagall! They'll help you, please-'

'No! I can't do that! He's stronger then I thought Hermione! If he's willing to come here to get me, he must be! I can't have you in danger!'

'But he'll torture you! He could kill you!'

Draco looked down at his hands. 'I know.' He whispered.

'Wait...so you're going to let him kill you? You're going to surrender your life because of me?!'

'Hermione I have no other choice-'

'Yes you do! We can get help-'

'NO WE CAN'T!' He slammed his hand down on the sofa angrily, losing his temper.

She stared at him, and he watched as her eyes flitted to the bottle of Firewhisky on the table and she looked back at him, sighing. 'Draco, come on. You don't know what you're saying, you've been drinking-'

'No.' He stood up. 'I know exactly what I'm saying. I've been thinking about it all day, and this is my decision.'

'So this is what tonight's been about then...' He watched as the truth dawned on her.

'I wanted to make tonight special, it's our last night together-'

'No it's not! It's not our last night together at all! We're going to talk, we're going to work something out-'

'No. We're not. I've made my decision. I have to do this.'

'You can't. You can't do this, please, I'm b,begging you.' Her voice broke as tears spilled down her cheeks.

Draco closed his eyes, willing himself to stop his own tears. 'I have to.' He whispered.

'Don't do this, you can't go, I can't lose you!'

'I'm so sorry.'

'No! I l,love you! Draco, please, you're my life, I need you!' She took hold of his arm.

He looked down at her hand. 'I'm so sorry.' He whispered.

'I can't let you die, I can't lose you.' She put a hand on his cheek, kissing him softly.

'No!' He broke away. 'Hermione, you have to let me go! I have to. I need you to be safe.'

'I c,can't!' She was sobbing now, tears pouring steadily down her face.

'Hermione.' He whispered, feeling a tear run down his own cheek. 'I love you so much, these past few months with you have been the best of my life. But I can't stay with you. I'm not good for you, it's too dangerous.'

'No, you're the best for me! And I knew the danger when we got together! I've known it all along!'

'I know, I know.'

There was silence as Draco looked down at the bag in his hand.

'Please don't go. Please.' Hermione broke the silence.

He looked up at her tear stained face. 'It's the only way.' He said quietly, silently hating himself as he turned his back on her, advancing towards the portrait.

'NO! DRACO, PLEASE!' She shouted at him through her tears, and he felt her grabbing at his arm.

'I'm so s,sorry Hermione.' He choked, finding it difficult to talk through his own tears.

'Don't go, please, don't go. I can't live without you, my life, it will be empty! You make me so happy! I know that it's dangerous I know that! I can't spend my days without you, I can't wake up without you here, I can't do it!'

He turned to face her, looking her straight in the eyes as he spoke. 'You are going to have the best bloody life you can. You are going to get that house in Hogsmeade and you are going to have an amazing career. You are going to have a beautiful family and have your own little girl, who will grow up loving books just like you. You are going to move on from me, I will be a memory, just a memory. That is what I want. I want you to have the best possible life. It's all I want.'

She shook her head, and he could tell she was unable to speak as she fell to the floor, head in her hands as she sobbed.

'Hermione..' He held out his hand and she took it, pulling herself up, eyes glistening with tears. He reached out, stroking her cheek and she closed her eyes. 'You will always be in my heart. Whether I'm with you or not. You're worth all of this. You are worth dying for.'

'Don't do this, please.' She choked. 'I can't live without you, I'd rather die myself then live a life without you. I can't not see you again, I can't.'

'No! Don't say that! I cannot let you live that way! I need you to be happy, please, promise me you'll move on, you'll be happy again one day?'

'I can't promise you that. Not at all. I can't live a life pretending you never existed, I'm lost without you, Draco. I need you here, with me! I am nothing, I can't bear the thought of spending my days without you, I can't do it, I can't, I can't, I can't!' She threw herself into his arms, crying hysterically, and he held her tight as she sobbed into his chest, his own tears falling heavily.

'I'm so sorry.' He whispered.

She pulled away from him, her bloodshot eyes staring fiercely into his. 'Take me with you.'

'What?'

'If you're going to be tortured, punished, I want it too. If you're going to die, I want to die with you. I can't live a life without you. So I want to go with you.'

'No! No way! How can you say that?!'

'Please Draco.' She begged.

'No. I can't. There's no way in hell I'm allowing that.'

'So this is it?'

He nodded. 'It has to be.'

'No..' She shook her head furiously. 'What about our future? Our home we were going to have near Hogsmeade?'

'I'm sorry.' As he watched more tears spill down her cheeks, he noticed the necklace he had given her resting against her chest. He reached out and took the charm in his hand. 'You haven't taken this off have you.'

'Never.' She whispered.

'When I'm gone...when I'm gone and you feel this around your neck, when you see this in the mirror..just remember how my love for you is undying. Wherever I am, whatever state I'm in, alive or dead, you will forever be in my heart. Please, just remember that.'

She bowed her head, crying silently. He moved his hand so it was resting under her chin, and gently lifted it up so she was looking into his eyes. As more tears slid down her cheeks, he wiped them away tenderly with his thumb. 'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.' He whispered.

'Don't do this Draco, I am begging you, I c,can't, I can't..' Her voice trailed off as she choked on her tears.

'I love you Hermione Granger. I'm sorry for what I've done to you. Maybe in another life we'd be together. Maybe we'll meet again.' He wiped his eyes furiously as he turned away from her.

'NO! You can't go! NO!' She screamed.

'I love you.' He whispered, before exiting the common room. Leaning against the wall next to the portrait, he silently let the tears fall. Pulling himself together and trying to ignore the searing pain in his heart, he moved away, beginning his journey to his old home.

Hope everyone had a great Christmas/New Year, and thanks again to everyone who has reviewed/followed/favourited this! Feel free to leave a review for this chapter, and to follow me on twitter, name is Mrs_DM_x