"Why do I have to try them on? Even if they fit now, I'm just going to keep getting bigger." Jane pouted through the store, trailing behind Maura and her growing armload of maternity clothing.
"A proper fit is important, Jane. Your body is changing and we will need to purchase more clothes as your pregnancy progresses. For now, you need clothing for work that makes you look and feel like a badass. The more confident and comfortable you feel, the more prepared you will be to rip a suspect in interrogation."
"It's break, Maura. Break a suspect." Jane added, under her breath, "And I am a badass."
Maura heard the last remark and used it against her as she gestured to the dressing room attendant, "If you're such a badass, then you can endure thirty minutes in a fitting room." She hung the clothes on the hook and ushered Jane in, then exited and closed the door behind her.
"Thirty minutes!?" Jane frowned at herself in the mirror and sighed, patting her belly. "I walked right into that one, didn't I?"
Jane had been alternating between one hastily bought pair of maternity pants and two pairs of too-big slacks she had found at the bottom of her drawer, undoubtedly purchased without trying them on, and never returned. They afforded her extra room at the waist, and she had added the waistband extender for additional space, but they were baggy in the rear. Maura had let her get away with this for a couple of weeks while they had been busy with work and putting together Jane's fitness room, but enough was enough. In addition, Jane's T-shirts were routinely coming un-tucked, no longer able to cover her belly. It was past time to take action and Maura was embarrassed to have let Jane's appearance suffer for this long.
"Jane? I don't hear any undressing in there. Do you need help?"
"I'm just mentally preparing myself."
"The longer you wait, the longer this is going to take."
Jane grimaced at her reflection.
"Do you need a reward?"
"I'm not a child, Maura."
"After you find five complete, well-fitting work outfits, we can go for ice cream."
Ice cream. Jane sighed, steeling herself for the task ahead. "Ok, fine. Let's do this thing."
"Five, Jane."
"Yeah, I got it."
"I'm going to go pick out some casual items, will you be ok in there?"
"Yeah, go ahead."
Shopping had always been one of Jane's least-favorite activities. Her mother had tried to bring her along to the mall growing up, and make her try on frilly dresses, or just sit there while Angela tried things on. It was boring. And uncomfortable. Somehow, even though Maura did pretty much the same thing, it wasn't so bad. The clothes Maura picked out for her were usually more Jane's style. With Maura, Jane felt less like she was being dragged, more like she was being cared for. Still, it wasn't something she wanted to do every weekend.
Jane kicked off her sneakers and got undressed.
The trying-things-on part was a particular challenge now. Jane actually liked watching her belly get bigger each day, knowing a baby was in there that would eventually be a cute little poop machine. She loved the baby already, even with the uncertainty about how much her life would change because of it. The only bad part, now that the nausea and exhaustion seemed to have passed, was trying to find clothes that fit. Jane just had a weird shape. Tall and thin everywhere but around the middle wasn't easy to find, especially in a suit. And every time she put on something that didn't fit, she got more discouraged. Part of her wanted to give up and walk around in sweats for the next six months. Jane snorted, thinking Maura would go ballistic.
The first pair of pants she tried had a huge stretchy piece that went from the zipper all the way up to her bra. It was loose, but Jane guessed she would grow into it. It was hard to tell. She paired it with an off-white button-down shirt that was also loose around the middle. She looked at herself in the mirror and shrugged.
"Jane?" Maura knocked on the door. "I have some jeans and casual tops for you. How are the suits fitting?"
"Fine, I guess." She sounded dejected already.
"Would you let me see?"
Jane reluctantly opened the door for her friend, just enough to let Maura and her second armload of clothing through. She closed the door and turned around, tugging at the hem of the shirt. "I don't know."
Maura sized her up, pinching the sleeves and pulling at the cuffs. She squinted her eyes. "I don't like this shirt. Take it off." She turned around and picked another from the pile, this one a deep purple satin. "This color is better for you." She unbuttoned it and held it out for Jane to slip her arms into, then turned Jane around and buttoned up the front. Jane noticed Maura's fingers fumble on the two top buttons. It seemed like time had stopped while they were standing there, Maura focused on Jane's chest, Jane breathing in the scent of Maura's shampoo. Jane's arms hung dumbly at her sides; something in her felt the natural place to put them would be around Maura, but another part of her told her that wasn't right. Her fingernails dug into the heels of her hands, trying to absorb the conflict, while her weight shifted slightly forward, bringing the women a fraction closer.
The moment passed. Maura breathed in after she finished the top button and flattened Jane's collar, then smoothed her hands down her shoulders and rested them on her biceps, a soft smile gracing her lips. She finally looked up at Jane and tossed her head like she was shaking away a thought, and whispered, "Yes, I like this one better."
"So do I." Jane's hands unclenched and they started to float up toward Maura's elbows, but Maura stepped back to examine the rest of the outfit. Jane cleared her throat and covered the motion by spreading her hands out and asking, "What about the pants?"
"Turn around." Jane obliged. They fit well enough that Maura didn't think before touching the downward curve, just lightly. Jane almost jumped, and Maura withdrew her hand. "They look good. How do they feel?"
"Fine. I just don't know how they're going to feel next week when I'm that much bigger." Jane's frustration had returned.
"Oh, well, let's try the prosthetic."
"The what?"
"The store has a prosthetic you can wear to see what you'll look like as the baby grows." Maura stepped out for a moment to talk to the sales lady, then returned with a contraption that looked to Jane like a beer belly with straps.
"Uh-uh, no way, I'm not putting that thing on. You first."
Maura looked down at the thing, shrugged, then started taking off her blouse.
Jane gulped. She hadn't intended it to be a challenge, just a little push-back. But now that Maura was going with it, who was Jane to stop her? She just watched as the buttons were undone. It took a moment for Jane to notice the four-inch scar above her hip, and remember why it was there. "Wait," she stopped Maura from putting on the prosthetic. "How have I never seen this?" Her finger traced the line.
Maura shook her head, trying to brush off the question. "Laparoscopic surgery leaves only a few small scars, three below the ribs where they insert the camera and other instruments, and this one where they removed the kidney."
"No, I mean why haven't I seen it? Why didn't I notice it before?" Jane's thumb skimmed the raised pink line. Jane had known about the surgery, had even brought Maura home from the hospital, but she had neglected to ask about it and its lasting effects. She had completely forgotten about it, in fact, as caught up as she was in Casey and then the baby. Now that Jane thought about it, both women had acted like it wasn't a big deal at all for Maura to be giving a piece of herself to someone who didn't value her as a whole. But of course it was a big deal. It was a testament to Maura's generosity and willingness to sacrifice, even for the benefit of someone who had taken her for granted, who had given her nothing but heartbreak. "Does it hurt?"
"There's no physical pain, no."
Jane raised her eyes sharply to meet Maura's. She heard what Maura was trying not to say. "Have you heard from her? Hope?"
"She... she sent a card."
"What, like a thank you note?" Jane spit the words out.
Maura's arms crossed and her shoulders rounded protectively. "She doesn't want me, Jane. I remind her of a different lifetime."
"That doesn't make it ok."
"That's how it is."
Jane's hand had slipped from the scar around to Maura's back. The gesture was warm, but it wasn't enough. She wanted to hug Maura, to make all the pain go away, but she knew that a simple hug wasn't going to fix everything. Or anything. Jane hadn't been the friend that Maura had been for her. Jane's grip tightened, fingers spread across Maura's back, the pads almost digging in. "I should have been there with you."
"It's ok, you had other things on your mind." Her eyes were focused on some spot on the floor.
"No," Jane asserted, "I should have been there for you." She tilted Maura's face up to make eye contact. "I can be a shit sometimes." Maura winced at the profanity, but didn't disagree. Jane insisted, "You don't deserve that." She searched Maura's face for recognition, some understanding of what Jane was trying to say. She wasn't making herself clear, so she tried again, "I don't ever want to be a burden to you, Maura. I want to be... I want you to be able to tell me when you need something, so I can give it to you. Ok?" Maura swallowed and nodded. "And even if it's something you think I can't give, I want to know. Because maybe I can. Ok?"
"Ok."
They just stood there for a moment, neither wanting to break apart, but neither having any more to say. Jane wondered if she had really gotten through to Maura, and was trying to think of another way to give her the confidence to open up and ask for whatever she needed when Maura finally did.
"I could use my blouse, at the moment."
Jane guffawed and loosened her grip on Maura's waist.
Maura's eyebrows knit. "I'm getting cold." She motioned to the prosthetic. "Did you still want me to put this on?"
Jane handed her the blouse and watched her dress. "No, I don't think we need it. Let's just get five of this outfit in different colors and split." She winked and grinned at her friend, "banana split."