Lauren's POV.

This morning, just like every other since I've been here at the clinic, I wake up to a load of missed calls from Joey. All at stupid times, an all. He's left me a couple of weird voicemails and I could be wrong but he sounds pissed. Like, not just a bit merry either, but proper drunk. Which is a bit fucking hypocritical, to say the least. I'm staying strong though; I haven't called him back and I don't intend to. I meant what I said. I need to get over him. I can't let him be my everything anymore. When I was in hospital I'd given up, but being here has really changed my perspective. For the first time in like, never, I actually have hope. Hope that I'll stop drinking; hope that I'm gonna be okay again and go back to being the old Lauren, pre-drink. I have a counsellor! How weird is that? I talk about my feelings. As in, honestly tell her what I'm going through and not my default answer of: 'I'm fine.' She's really great; she's called Jen. We never talk about Joey though. I kinda get the feeling she wants me to talk about him because he's a huge part of my life. Or at least he was. Once upon a time, long ago. I mentioned him once when she asked about my watch. His watch. I wear it every day and sleep with it under my pillow. I still can't get my head around all the stuff he said before I left. About marriage and babies. It didn't even sound like him. He said he loved me a couple of times, an all. And I don't know what to think; I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. If I decide to go back to Walford, I don't think we can just get back together again. I feel differently to how I did when I was always drinking. He said he believed me about Lucy, but then I walk into the Vic to see them together. And if I had been knowingly drinking again that night like he thought I was, then surely that was a massive reason not to break up with me because obviously I needed him? I don't know, I guess I'm just confused. Maybe I should talk to Jen about him.

"How are you doing today, Lauren?" Jen asks, gently. I don't know if it's a counsellor thing or just her but she speaks in this really calm, quiet tone and it makes you tell her stuff you never thought you'd say out loud. Maybe before they hand you your psychology degree they teach you how to speak in a certain way to get people to spill their guts.

"I'm good, thanks. How are you?" I ask her, even though she always tells me I don't need to ask her how she is.

"I'm great, thanks. And how's your running going?" She asks, her eyes twinkling.

"Great, just been for one, actually. So, what are we talking about today? Did I tell you about when my Dad had an affair with my brother's wife? Well, his girlfriend." I snort; I can kinda laugh about it now. I think. "Yeah, you did. And you've told me about how you outed it at Christmas. You've told me all about your brother. Both of them. Your sister. Your parents. Your Nan. Uncle Jack and Uncle Derek. Your grandparents. Your cousins Alice and little Amy. And James. Your cousin Bianca and Auntie Carol. Peter. Ryan. And Lucy and Whitney. Kirsty." She says, without even a flicker of annoyance. She's not angry or annoyed. She's just showing that she remembers everything I tell her. But maybe she's hinting at something.

"So." I nod, awkwardly.

"So. Does that leave anyone?"

"Erm."

"You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to, you know that."

"I want to tell you about him because I'm confused. But, I can't. I can't talk about him."

"We can talk about anything you want."

"When I leave here, I don't know where I should live."

"Your mum definitely isn't moving back to Walford?"

"No, she's finished with Dad. For good, this time."

"And presumably they both want you to live with them?"

"Yeah. Dad's married, though. And as toxic as my parents' relationship sometimes was, I don't want them to be with other people. They've been through so much stuff and they still love each other. I know Dad still loves her; Kirsty's just for now. Like mum and Greg were. Dad and Stacey. Dad and Vanessa. And all the other women. But he always comes back to Mum."

"Some people are drawn to each other, no matter what."

"Even if they get hurt, they still want that person." I'm not talking about my parents anymore and I'm sure Jen knows that.

"Because they can't stop loving them." She agrees.

"Is that bad?"

"It is if they're being treated really badly but they keep forgiving their partner. It's not bad if they're better together than they were apart and the good outweighs the not so good."

"I think we're better together."

"I thought we were talking about your parents."

"We are. I think they're better together. Well, they were before Kirsty showed up."

"Who do you want to live with? Not where you think you should live."

"If I live with Mum, I'll get to see Oscar every day but not Abi and Dad and everybody else back in Walford. But if I live with Dad I'll get to see Abi and everyone but not Mum and Oscar."

"You're torn."

"I think I should live with Mum and Oscar."

"Why?"

"Because I'm more likely to have a successful recovery living with Mum, away from Walford."

"Is that what you want?"

"I want to live with Dad."

"Why?"

"Because he doesn't stifle me. And he's usually too wrapped up in his own problems to constantly fret about me like Mum does."

"Is that the only reason?"

"I've messed up with Abi. Really let her down; I need to make it up to her."

"I'm sure she understands. You've had a really tough time of it lately."

"If I live with Mum, then I have to accept that me and Joey are over. For good."

"To ensure your recovery, you need to put yourself first and do what makes you happy because if you're happy and content then you won't want to drink and you'll continue doing as well at home as you're doing here. If living with your Mum and away from Joey will make you unhappy, then I think you have your answer."

"But seeing Joey might make me unhappy too. What if he's got back with Lucy? Or met someone else?"

"You won't know until you see him. Does he make you happy? Before whatever went wrong, did he makes you happy?"

"He made me feel like for once, I was at the top of someone's priorities. Because I was all that mattered."

"Then I think you know who you're going to live with."

Thoughts? I'm trying to keep it similar to the show so the next couple of chapters will be whilst Lauren is at the clinic but will alternate between Lauren and Joey POV's :)