Maura considered herself a patient woman. It was a necessary trait in a pathologist. The methodical process of gathering evidence, all the evidence, without jumping to conclusions, required the kind of patience Maura had long cultivated in herself. It was partly because she so enjoyed being right. There was nothing quite like the gradual accumulation of evidence to lend overwhelming support to a logical hypothesis. When all the pieces fit together, without contradiction or conflict, she was rewarded with the smug satisfaction of a job well done.
It was tempting to hypothesize prematurely, of course. Fingerprints or trace evidence on a victim could be solid avenues for investigation, but without proper support they wouldn't stand up in court and couldn't be relied on to garner a conviction. Maura's evidence had to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the accused committed the crime. So she chided her colleagues for acting too quickly on a lead, fearing that it would close them off to other, contradictory evidence. She made sure to keep an open mind while they went chasing down prospects. She waited for the evidence to give her the answer. She was patient.
She knew it annoyed Jane. Maura would refuse to narrow the window for time of death, or to announce cause of death, before exploring all possibilities back at the lab. She did it in the name of science, but a small piece of Maura enjoyed Jane's annoyance. She liked seeing that frustrated roll of the eyes, the puff of air she exhaled as she squeezed her eyes shut, trying not to get angry at the unyielding medical examiner. It was cute, and it was also retribution. That tiny piece of Maura had enjoyed seeing her best friend frustrated because it put them on a level playing field. If Jane insisted on them being just friends, then Maura would insist that a stabbing victim could have been poisoned, too.
It was wicked, Maura knew, to want this little bit of revenge, and she was glad to know she wouldn't need it anymore (though she would always be meticulous in her duties). Her patience with Jane's friendship had led them to where they were now. Now, Maura had everything she'd ever wanted or needed, literally in her lap. She sat on the living room floor with Jane and Echo between her outstretched legs. Jane leaned back into Maura's embrace and Maura rested back against the sofa, content. Her hand twisted the ends of Jane's hair and her cheek pressed up against Jane's forehead. If there were a heaven, Maura told herself, this would be it.
It was true what she told Jane before, that she hadn't been waiting those three years in limbo. She never expected Jane to love her, or for their relationship to change. She never expected more, and maybe because of that, it was possible to get by on smiles and friendship. Now she had kisses and hugs and Jane's hands, God, Jane's hands. But only to a certain extent. Maybe Jane wasn't ready, maybe she was shy, but for whatever reason, there was a line she hadn't crossed, and Maura's patience was wearing thin.
Maura would never try to force anything. It wasn't in her nature. She wouldn't pressure Jane, she wouldn't even push. She promised herself, she would be patient. She would wait for Jane to be comfortable and confident. The way Jane looked at her, kissed her, held her, all the evidence said she wanted more. It was only a matter of time before Jane gave in and acted.
Maura imagined Jane would be a strong, dominant lover. She'd be gentle and tender, but she'd want to take the lead, without hesitation or need for approval. She'd want to be 'the man,' as she so indelicately put it not long ago. But that first kiss, Jane's apprehension about it, made Maura think maybe all Jane needed was a little... encouragement. Maybe she was waiting for Maura to tell her what she wanted.
Maura's right hand began making small circles over Echo. Jane let out a small sigh of contentment. She loved when Maura did that. The circles gradually moved lower, to the downward curve and over the elastic waistband of Jane's shorts.
"Ava, Grace, Mia, Sofia, Isabelle..." Oh, right. Jane was looking at baby names on the laptop. Maura had all but forgotten about the task. "Any of those sound good to you?"
"Hmm, they're lovely," is all Maura could muster. She put a kiss to Jane's forehead and tried again, slipping her pinky finger under Jane's waistband.
Jane immediately tensed up. Maura stopped, and slowly slid her hand back up to safety. "Sorry," Jane murmured.
Maura's heart melted. She gave Jane a whole body squeeze and another kiss on the forehead. "I like Grace." Maura would be patient.
Jane turned her head to look at Maura from the corner of her eye. The corner of her mouth turned up, then she said, "Me too. I'll add it to our list."
Jane thought for sure Maura could feel the butterflies in her stomach when she touched her like that. If nothing else, Maura must have been aware of how Jane's heartbeat raced and her breathing became labored. It was part nerves and part arousal, and Jane had no idea what to do with it. Well, she knew what she was supposed to do, in general at least. The details were the part she wasn't sure about.
Jane had never been with a woman before. She'd never loved a woman and she'd never been attracted to a woman, not like she was attracted to Maura. She'd only dated men, and she'd slept with a few of them, most of whom she preferred not to recall. It's not that they were awful people, or even just awful in bed, it was that it never felt like she imagined it should. There was never any amazing high, never something she was sure she could call love.
The sex was pretty straightforward: bing, bang, boom. They got off, she didn't. Jane had an inkling that wasn't the way it should be, that there must be a reason Maura and other women seemed to enjoy sex, but she didn't mind so much. She preferred to be alone when she brought herself to climax. That wasn't something she felt the need to share with any of the men she'd been involved with. If they expressed any interest in her state of arousal, it was always in a voyeuristic sense. It was creepy. Usually, though, they were happy to nail her and be done with it. That was the way she preferred it, actually. Get it over with and go to sleep.
How that translated into sex with a woman, Jane wasn't sure. Would Maura want her to wear... something? How would she know when they were done? If she could get past the initial discomfort of inexperience, Jane was pretty sure she could adapt to whatever Maura wanted. Jane wanted to make Maura happy, so she would at least try whatever Maura asked of her. But she was still nervous, not knowing what to expect.
The other problem was that sex was where all her relationships went wrong. The worst was Dean. One time in the sack, and he fucks up their sting enough that Maura ended up hating Jane for months. She should have known better than to tell him anything. Then there was Martinez, back when they were in DCU. That lasted longer, a few months, until he got all cocky and her CI was killed.
And finally there was Casey. She still couldn't figure out what went wrong there. It just felt like whenever they were together, he was distracted. Or disappointed. Even after his surgery, he wasn't ever the same. He wasn't ever happy. Maybe she wasn't good enough. Maybe she should have done more. She just couldn't figure out what more was.
Jane shook her head, trying to free it from thoughts of those failed relationships. The trepidation lingered, despite her efforts. What if she and Maura had sex, and that precipitated their breakup? What if she couldn't please Maura? What if there was something Maura wanted, but couldn't ask for, and Jane couldn't figure it out? Her heart started racing again, this time from nerves and fear. She didn't want to lose Maura over a miscommunication about sex. She didn't want to lose Maura at all.
Putting off sex wouldn't work forever, Jane knew. At some point, they'd have to cross that line. But it didn't have to be now. They could enjoy the kissing and the cuddling, and not worry about the other stuff for a little longer. Jane wondered how long Maura would be ok with that, and not get frustrated.
"Oh!" Maura interrupted Jane's thoughts, "We should talk about labor and delivery options. Dr. Filer wanted us to prepare for your next appointment."
Jane groaned and rolled her eyes with frustration. "Do we have to?"
"Yes," Maura insisted, a little bit too gleefully. "I was thinking we could get a birthing tub and do it all right here at home. You'd be very comfortable."
Jane sat forward and turned to look at Maura with horror. "Yeah, except for the intense pain. I don't think so, Maur. I'm gettin' the epidural."
"You've been through incredible amounts of pain before, and in this case it would be accompanied by oxytocin. We could get a doula to help you focus and manage the pain. It should be quite pleasurable."
Jane actually guffawed. "Hah! No. Way. I want the drugs."
"An epidural has been shown to increase the duration of labor and increase the risk of low blood pressure, muscular weakness, fluid retention, and fever." Jane opened her mouth to protest, but Maura held up her hand to silence her. "I'm going to order a birthing tub anyway. It can be useful during the early stages of labor, even if you decide to go the hospital route anyway. And you can always change your mind later. I just want you to consider all the options."
Jane relaxed back against Maura and squeezed her eyes shut. "I know. I just..." Jane sighed and opened her eyes again. "It's gross, is all. I'm not looking forward to that whole thing, and... having people around watching? I mean, I don't want you to see me like that. Especially—ugh, nevermind."
Maura rubbed up and down Jane's shoulder. "Especially what?" she pressed, quietly.
Jane looked down at her hands. "I don't know. This is all really new to me, you know? Most people, when they have babies, they've already..."
"Been intimate?" Maura supplied.
"Yeah. And I know you want to, and I want to, too, but... I'm sorry, but—"
"Don't be."
"Huh?" Jane sat up and turned enough to see Maura's expression while she talked.
"Don't be sorry. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pressed you. Yes, I want to be intimate with you, but only if you're comfortable with that. It doesn't have to be now, or even soon. I love you, Jane. I love the way we are now." She held her hands out, indicating their embrace, "I love this. I love you. Don't be sorry."
Struck with awed disbelief, Jane guided Maura's lips to hers and lingered there for a few seconds. Thank you. Jane tucked her temple into Maura's neck. "Ok."