December 8, 2013

The next day, Emily makes a conscious decision to push Hotch from her mind. She's pushed it too far, she thinks, let him in too close considering when she leaves at the end of December she would most definitely like to leave with her heart in tact. Or at least in the same condition it had been when she'd arrived.

So she does other things. She goofs with JJ and Henry, goes grocery shopping with the whole family, just because. She's missed JJ a whole lot more too. As her only companion during those long lonely months of some weird WitSec hybrid, JJ had been the only one and she feels infinitely closer to the blond woman because of it.

"Okay, spill."

She'd zoned out. Entirely and completely from the way JJ's looking at her. They've taken Henry to a nearby park – and honestly, Emily's a little impressed with how far JJ's willing to let her son wander; it wasn't long ago the kid had been virtually kidnapped after all – and Emily had truthfully just needed a break. She'd had that, apparently, and then some.

"Em."

Emily puffs out a breath. She hates this. JJ's so earnest about things and Emily can feel the words actually crawling up her throat, like she's just going to spill them out over JJ's lap. She can't, she thinks, she cannot do that because then-

"Hotch kissed me."

JJ's eyes widen and her jaw actually drops. JJ's off-hours face is infinitely expressive.

"He what?"

"Kissed me."

"Out of the blue?"

"Under mistletoe."

"He has mistletoe?"

"And decorations. All over. We went shopping yesterday."

"For decorations."

"It's Jack's advent calendar."

Here, JJ nods her head solemnly, slowly, but Emily knows so much better. "What?"

"Nothing."

"Jayje."

It's the way she's fiddling with the lid of her take-away cup, Emily thinks. It gives JJ away completely.

"It feels like a big deal," JJ says eventually.

"It's not."

"He kissed you."

"Under mistletoe."

"You didn't see it. He could have ignored it."

That shuts Emily's mouth fast. She hadn't seen it, hadn't even known he'd hung it. JJ's right. He hadn't been forced to do it. She blows out a breath. "I can't."

"You can," JJ argues. "You're here for what, twenty more days? Why don't you at least test it out?"

"I can't do that. That would be worse."

JJ arches an eyebrow.

"Don't give me that look," Emily scolds. "Am I supposed to go home with a broken heart because we can't make the distance work? Because he can't risk Jack like that? And he never once tried to contact me while I was in England, can we remember that? He couldn't even make it work with Beth when she was in New York and London's an entire continent and time zones away."

"But this isn't Beth, Em. We're not talking about Beth, we're talking about you. We're talking about the one person who was there after Haley, who pushed and pulled and made him come out of that shell he definitely would have fallen into and we both know it. He could have so easily hidden in work but you made him see that he had Jack, that this was his chance and you dragged him out and he needed that.

"When you were killed, that was hard. For all of us, but him especially. He took a special task force. He always made time for you, he always worked with you, when your friend was killed, he should have told you it wasn't our case but he didn't because it was you."

"JJ, come on," Emily says, even though she knows she's blushing. "Don't-"

JJ actually groans. "Fine. Fine. Live in your little world of delusion. But when I'm right, you owe me."

. . . . .

Maybe it hadn't been JJ's goal, but Emily thinks about it for the rest of the day. She plays nice with Will and Henry, even JJ, but when the time comes for them all to go about their evenings, she retires to JJ's guest room. Alone.

She has every intention of basically wallowing. It's happened more often than not since her return to the real world. She needs time where she can just sit, allow herself to feel the emotions she's shoved down so deep. Thing is, these aren't emotions she's accepting. Everything she's ever felt about Hotch that had not been professional has been shoved down so hard and so deep in her that she's never allowed herself to do this over him.

JJ hadn't given her a choice.

She groans when her phone rings, interrupting what is turning into quite the good wallow –she's not far from tissues which is always a good purging emotion sign. Thing is, it's Hotch's name on her display and she considers ignoring it, even has her thumb over the button. She's not sure what changes her mind, but she does, at the last second.

"Hi."

"Hi," he greets. His voice is low. "I-"

She waits because she has no idea what to say to him. She doesn't even know where to start. All she knows is that it's the same voice he'd said 'good night' in last night and she's being transported to warm lips, strong arms and the feeling of the wall against her back.

"We did the book without you," he says, as if he's just decided to dive right in. It's probably not a far cry from the truth. "Space seemed… good."

He's right. Totally right and she knows she doesn't have to tell him. It's another nail in her coffin really because it's just more evidence of how well he knows her, that he's almost treading with soft feet around her. But it's her chance and she knows it, so with a pounding heart, she says, "Hotch, you kissed me."

She actually hears his intake of breath before he replies. "I did."

"Under mistletoe."

She's surprised by what comes down the line next: "Seemed like a good enough excuse."

"Pardon?" Oh crap. She's breathless and she hates that. She hates giving herself away. She hates that she can't seem to stop it when it's Hotch.

"You're only here for twenty-five days, Emily. We only have you for twenty-five days.

She swallows. She wants to say a million things. She wants to tell him that she'll stay longer, that England's not the same without him, that he has absolutely terrible timing because she still has to go back and he and Jack need someone way more stable that doesn't live infinitely further than his last relationship.

"And I wanted to," she hears him say, even over her screaming thoughts. "Of course I took the chance."

She's never, ever, thought him the type to do that. Not personally. Even though he'd told her once he'd auditioned for a play to get to Haley. But not for her. Why her? Never her.

"But. The ball's in your court."

"What?"

"It's your choice," he tells her. "I kissed you because I wanted to and because there was mistletoe. Because I'm tired of losing you, of watching you walk away without taking the chance. But what happens next, whatever happens next, that's up to you."

What?

"What do you want, Emily?"

A whole lot of things, but the first thing she wants is for this conversation to make sense. And for that, she needs-

"Time," she blurts. "I want- I need-"

"Okay," he interrupts, his voice calming. It's a good thing too since her heart is totally jack-rabbiting in her chest.

"Your choice," he reminds her. "You know where I am. Goodnight, Emily."

It isn't until she's dropped her phone to the bed that she really feels like she starts breathing again. Everything is in front of her now, the choice she never ever thought she'd be given the opportunity to make and it's right in front of her.

And she has no idea what to choose.