A/N: Sorry to have left you all in suspense. I think this will clear up most of your questions regarding Anna's past and give you all some sort of relief. I have to give a trigger warning just to be on the safe side, it's nothing graphic or overly descriptive, but there was some elements of violence/abuse here. I'm just trying to stay on the safe side of things. If anyone wants to PM me ahead of time before reading to make sure they are in the clear, that's perfectly fine as well. Thanks for all the reviews they make my day and I love to get your feedback. I hope I was able to respond to all of them. A big thank you to A-Lady-To-Me for reading through this god knows how many times until it was perfect. I did use a bit of Fellowes dialogue so credit to him for those of you with sharp eyes and tried to work it into modern times. I hope that isn't bothering anyone. For those of you that are wondering why Charles didn't do something more, that will be addressed in the next chapter when Anna speaks with him. Enjoy and please review!
Chapter 11
Charles had tried his best to keep busy and remain calm, but it was pointless. He had hoped that once he had gotten confirmation from Elsie that she was on her way over that it would put his mind at ease but in fact the opposite happened. His hands shook uncontrollably as he swirled a nearly full glass of sherry around. Charles sat in silence, watching the light of a side table lamp reflect off the amber liquid. He had poured himself a glass of sherry, intending to drink it all, but the more he played over Anna's words in his head the harder it became to drink. He felt his mouth go dry as the endless possibilities of what happened to his little girl crept into his head. Jasper laid at his feet uneasily, jumping up at the sound of the door handle turning when Elsie finally arrived.
He began to rise from his chair at the sight of her, but she motioned with her hands for him to sit down. She closed the door softly and leaned against it, almost wanting to ensure that it was just the two of them and no one else that would be hearing what she was about to tell him. Before turning to remove her jacket she said a prayer to herself for the mercy of God, hoping she hadn't made the wrong decision all those years ago. After hanging the jacket on the hook she took a seat across from him, looking worse for the wear. Without asking he handed her the glass of sherry and watched as she slowly lifted the glass to her lips and took a small sip. She began to lower the glass but thought better of it and instead proceeded to down what was left in the glass, earning her a raised eyebrow from Charles.
"Well?" he asked.
Elsie sat there studying the glass for a moment before setting it back down on the side table between them.
"Is she okay?" he inquired, sounding more persistent than before.
Elsie took a deep breath and clasped her hands together as she let out a long breath and closed her eyes.
"Elsie?" he nearly shouted. He was about to say her name again but this time he stopped when he felt her hand on his thigh. It wasn't just where her hand had stopped to rest but the insistence that was there, the force of it, the way her face remained so painfully serious yet calm as she stared back at him. Even Jasper was staring at her with intrigue and his head half-tilted.
"She's better," she managed to say.
He let out a sigh of relief.
"Or at least...she will be," she added. Her voice was so soft that time that he had to strain to hear her words. "We need to talk," she said in a voice filled with emotion.
He nodded his head in understanding and let her proceed.
She swallowed hard to keep herself calm and to stop herself from crying. She never imagined she'd be having this conversation with him. On some level she had always wanted to and knew it would have saved them. Not just her and Charles' relationship, but Charles and Anna's relationship as well. "You asked me before and I never denied I knew what happened, but you have to understand...I made a promise… a promise I couldn't break."
"I know," he replied softly. As much as it pained him to know that what she was about to say would most certainly destroy a piece of his heart, he let his hand drift toward hers. His fingertips caressed the back of her hand and she linked her fingers with his.
"I think that in light of what happened today I can't keep that secret anymore," Elsie said in a ragged breath as she rubbed her temples.
Charles motioned with his free hand for her to continue when she was ready.
"Almost five years ago when Anna was in college and you couldn't get a hold of her she showed up at my flat. I knew I had given her the key to my house years ago, but she never really needed it. She usually met me at the shop and it being the middle of the day I thought it odd to walk into my living room and see her purse set down on my sofa. She wasn't anywhere in sight and I called out for her...I became worried when she didn't answer back," Elsie explained as she fiddled with her hands.
Charles could feel the muscles in his chest tighten, his heart pounding in his ears, and his free hand clenching into a fist.
"I'll spare you the details, but when I found her...I'd never seen her so broken before. I've never seen anyone so broken before. She wouldn't make eye contact with me, she barely spoke loud enough for me to hear what she was saying. The few things she said sounded disconnected. I wanted to call you, but as soon as she saw me reach for the phone it sent her in a panic. She started screaming at me 'not to tell' and 'no one must know'." Elsie paused as her hand flew to her mouth to stifle the sobs that began to rack her body as she recalled that day. "I asked her to at least let me take her to a doctor, but she refused. We didn't end up going until two weeks later, when she was certain that she was pregnant."
Charles stared at her, his eyes unwavering. He felt as though he'd just been hit by a mack truck and yet he knew he still hadn't heard the worst of it. "Elsie, don't spare me the details. What did you see when you found Anna?" he asked in a voice that was hauntingly calm.
"I can't. No parent should have to hear about it," she said.
"I want to know," he said loudly. "I have to know," Charles pleaded with tears in his eyes.
"Very well, I'll tell you," she said.
Charles was leaning over the sink in the kitchen, his palms bracing himself over the counter. He reached for a glass in the cupboard and filled it with water and took a long drink before swigging it back and forth in his mouth and spitting it out in the sink. He was glad now that he hadn't finished that glass of sherry as he was sure he had just emptied the entire contents of his stomach out. He took another pull from the glass and gargled it back before spitting it out again. He normally wouldn't have done such a thing, especially with Elsie in his presence. But given the circumstances he was sure she would turn a blind eye.
Charles thought back to the panic he'd been in when he couldn't get a hold of Anna all those years ago. It had been so unlike her not to call or email, something to indicate she was doing well, even on her busiest days. Elsie had been so secretive and had avoided him at all costs. How many times had he asked her if she had heard from Anna? Charles couldn't recall. He supposed it didn't make a difference now. He had been so grateful just to see his daughter again and know that she was alright that he didn't want to push her for more information. Each time he watched her fall apart when he tried to bring up the subject tore through his heart like a knife, until he could not bear to ask her ever again. Now he knew. Now he understood. The suffering, the sadness, the emptiness behind her eyes. It all made sense the way she jerked at the smallest of sounds and how she twitched or pulled away whenever he got too close or startled her
Charles could feel the bile rising in his throat again, but he wasn't sure there was even anything left to expel from his body. Instead he took a deep breath and sipped on the cool water once more then set the glass down. He continued to clean it for longer than was necessary before dabbing at his lips with one of the hand towels on the counter top. Charles headed back into the living room with Jasper following alongside. Elsie was there waiting patiently for him to return. "I'm sorry," he said.
"You have no reason to be, if anything I'm the one who should be apologizing to you," she offered.
"No, you've apologized more than enough. And God only knows I've given you a hard enough time even after you did," he replied. Another couple of quiet minutes passed between them before he asked, "Should I call her? No. That's too impersonal." He answered his own question. "When should I go see her?"
"Not today," she answered right away. "She's barely holding it together. She wouldn't even let Aidan stay within earshot the whole time I was there. She sent him to his room-told him to play in his 'hideout' until she came to get him." That wasn't like Anna. Even in her own house she always left the bedroom doors open to keep an eye on Aidan.
"Did you talk to John?" she asked.
"I did. Though there wasn't much I could say to him. Not without really knowing myself what had happened to her. I told him to give you some time to calm her down. I said I'd call him when you were done speaking with her," he explained. "I assume he's already there now," he guessed.
"That's if she'll let him speak to her," she commented.
"You don't think she will?" he asked.
"I don't know what to think. We aren't dealing with the old Anna here. She's unhinged right now, unpredictable, having flash backs," Elsie added. "I'm not a psychiatrist, but I know she needs to speak to someone."
"It's a wonder she made it this far without speaking up sooner," Charles noted.
"Honestly, I don't think she would have if it weren't for Aidan."
Charles nodded in agreement as he brushed away a stray tear in his eye.
"That little boy gave her more reason to live-no-to survive after what that monster put her through than we ever could," she said.
"For what it's worth...thank you for trusting me enough to tell me the truth," he said kindly.
"Lack of trust was never the issue. I just didn't see the good that would come out of keeping it a secret any longer."
He sat quietly glancing at the clock, time seemed to be ticking by at a painfully slow rate. He could only imagine what the last five years had been like for Anna. To be burdened with such a secret and bear it on her own. "I wish you would have told me sooner," he said in a pleading voice.
"I couldn't…" she began to say but he cut her off.
"I know you couldn't. I just wish you could have. I know I probably wouldn't have made it better, but God knows I would have tried."
"That's why I couldn't tell you. Anna wanted to protect you."
"I was supposed to protect her!" he boomed as he rose from his chair.
Elsie jumped on her chair at the sound of his voice. Jasper jumped from his place on the floor to cower behind the couch.
Charles was so mad he could have punched his fist through a wall. He was beyond livid at the coward that had done this to his daughter. Angry with himself for not seeing the signs and being there when Anna needed him the most. He looked like a caged animal as he paced back and forth, running a hand through his now disheveled hair. The force of each step vibrated through the floorboards and each one was followed by a grunt of disapproval. His muscles were tense and his nerves on edge, his jaw tightened and his brow line was knit together. "Who did it? Do you know his name?"
"What difference does it make?"
"It makes all the difference." God how he loved this woman. But why couldn't she see this from his side of things and just spare him the suffering.
"How?"
"If...I…" he stopped. Charles honestly couldn't think of anything to say. Nothing that made sense. Nothing that would have changed the way things were now, at least not for the better.
"If what?" she asked. Instead she said the only thing the very thing he was thinking. "Even if I could have told you, which I couldn't because I don't know, you wouldn't have thought twice. You would have hunted him down yourself," she said with absolute certainty. "Charles, you would be behind bars right now. And where would that leave Anna?"
He bit his lip in frustration, knowing that she was right. "I can't argue with you there," he answered back.
"No, you can't. And getting angry about it now won't help Anna to heal any faster. I know you were kept in the dark, but sometimes it's best to let sleeping dogs lie. Let her come to you when she's ready."
From the moment Anna had left him standing in that parking lot John had wanted nothing more than to see her again, to speak to her, and let her know that it was all a misunderstanding. He'd never do anything to purposefully put Aidan in harms way and he certainly hadn't intended to hurt her or scare her when he tried to stop her. Surely she would see reason in that. Wouldn't she? Had this been days ago he would have known the answer to that question without a moments hesitation. But now he was not so sure.
Anna's words echoed in his brain as they rattled back and forth, over and over. He couldn't wipe the painful look on her face from his memory. Of all the expressions Anna had made that John had wanted to commit to memory, this was one he wanted to forget. He didn't have a clear understanding of what happened to Anna but he had his suspicions now. The more he tried to figure it out the worse the scenarios became in his mind. John tried to shake these images from his head as he removed the key from the ignition and exited the car.
The first thing he noticed as he made his way up the path to her door was how quiet it was; almost eerily so. Usually John could hear sounds of laughter coming from the other side of the door or Aidan being chased through the house. Sometimes he could hear Anna pleading with Aidan to finish his vegetables or one of Aidan's favorite movies droning on in the background. But not now. The only noise that broke the silence was a wind chime hanging off the roof by the porch that swayed in the breeze.
John knocked on the door and waited for the now familiar, persistent pleas from Aidan that he was old enough to open the door. Instead he heard a much harsher tone from Anna telling Aidan to get away from the door. John caught a glimpse of Aidan as he pushed his eye up against the glass window and smiled.
"But Mummy it's John," Aidan argued as he waved.
John waved back with a warm smile on his face before hearing Anna's words cut trig the air. "I said 'no'. Now go to your room and play with your toys," she ordered. The angry stomps from Aidan echoed through the house until they dissipated in the distance.
John half expected to hear the lock on the door turn after Aidan was gone but was greeted once again by the sound of emptiness. John leaned his hands on the door frame and let his forehead rest on the door. He wasn't even sure if she was on the other side or if she was listening but he had to try. "Anna," he called out softly through the door. He thought he heard a sharp intake of breath, but couldn't be sure. "Anna, love, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have gone against your wishes regarding Aidan. Please let me in, I just want to talk."
Anna sat inside the dimly lit living room with her back against the door. She felt her heart break every time her name rolled off his tongue. No one had ever said her name the way he did; saying her name like a prayer. She felt horrible for keeping him out like this; deep down Anna tried to reason with herself that she shouldn't punish John for something he didn't do. She also knew that he must have some sort of inkling of what had happened to her by now and that mortified her more than ever. She felt so ashamed at her behavior towards him at the park and in public no less. She hung her head in shame, shielding her face with her hands as she let the tears flow freely. Anna had not anticipated this sense of guilt and helplessness to rear its ugly head again, but here they were and now they were all paying for her choices. Why couldn't she have been smarter? Why hadn't she left sooner? Why didn't she ask for help? These were the questions she berated herself with late at night once Aidan was asleep.
"My darling, please don't shut me out," he said once more before he heard someone behind him clear their throat. He turned around to see a tall, dark haired woman standing there.
"Can I help you with something?" she offered from the other side of her rose bushes as she stood on her lawn.
"No," John answered softly as he straightened out his clothing and tie.
"Is Ms. Smith all right?" she asked.
John wasn't sure who this lady was but she certainly seemed friendly enough and didn't appear to be asking because she was being nosy. "Yes, of course she is," John said as he made his way off the porch and approached the woman. "Just a minor disagreement. I'm her boyfriend, John," he said. Although at this moment he wasn't so sure that the second part would hold true for much longer. He offered his hand to the lady.
She offered her hand back with a friendly smile, "Oh yes, Aidan has told me about you. Well...Anna has too…," the woman replied back with a blush of the cheeks. "I'm her neighbor, Ms. Baxter, but you can call me Phyllis," she said.
"It's a pleasure to meet you Phyllis," he said genuinely as he pulled his hand away. "Can you do me a favor?"
"Um, sure," she answered back.
"Keep an eye on Anna and Aidan for me...please," he said.
"Of course."
"Thanks," he said. John began padding at his jacket with his hands and gave Phyllis his card, "Here's my number just in case."
"Like what?" she said looking perplexed.
"I don't know really," he confessed. "I just meant...well...I want to make sure they're both taken care of."
John reluctantly made his way back to the car as Phyllis stared down at the card. When he got back in his vehicle he began to start the car but instead changed his mind as he sat looking at the house from the driveway. He could have sworn he saw a set of blinds move from the window and pulled his cell phone out. John dialed the number and let it ring three times before it went to voicemail, he bit the inside of his cheek in frustration, but had expected her not to pick up.
"Anna...it's me...it's John," he let out a heavy sigh and rubbed his eyes. "Of course it's John. Why wouldn't you know who this is? Um...I understand if you don't want to talk right now and I'll spare you the embarrassment in front of your neighbors by begging at your door. I hope you are listening to this and aren't planning on deleting it," he said.
His voice rang out across the flat as Anna stood with her hand hovering over the receiver. She wanted so badly to talk to him, to tell him everything, but the words were caught in her throat.
"I'm not mad at you...I never could be...about any of it really. I'm still not really sure what 'it' is, but I wish you'd tell me. I just want to be there for you and make sure that Aidan knows he did nothing wrong. I'll leave my phone on and you can call me day or night...I love you." Then the line went dead and the number of messages blinked on the answering machine.
"Mummy, are you mad at John?" Aidan's soft voice asked as he padded into the kitchen. He held his bear tightly in one hand as he waited for her answer.
"No, sweetheart," Anna answered back as she tried to wipe the tears from her eyes.
"Then why did you leave him at the game? Why didn't he come in, " he asked.
"It's hard to explain my darling," Anna said as she picked him up and set him down on the couch beside her. She brushed his hair from his eyes and held him against her chest as she patted him on the back. "But it's nothing you did," she said as tears ran down her cheeks. Aidan didn't notice at first, not until a single tear splashed down on his little hand.
He looked up and his matching blue eyes met hers, "Mummy can you sing me the 'Smile' song?"
Normally, she would never refuse him such a request, but she just didn't have it in her today. She shook her head to tell him 'no' and without any argument he quickly laid his head back down on her chest. She closed her eyes and inhaled his smell that she loved so much as she cradled him on her lap until Aidan's voice broke the silence.
"Smile, though your heart is aching," he began to sing. "Smile, even though it's breaking."
She shouldn't have been surprised that he knew the words by heart now. It had been an old Charlie Chaplin song her mother used to sing back in her theatre days. It had been Anna's favorite when she was a little girl. Anna had been singing that song to Aidan since before he was born. She remembered even in her darkest hours she would cradle the swell of her belly and would feel his tiny kicks as she tried her best to mimic her mother's voice. As an infant, the song would immediately put an end to Aidan's tears and he would light up the world with his smile.
"When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by," he sang a little louder now. "If you smile through your fear and sorrow." Aidan was playing with a piece of fabric on the edge of her sleeve as her tears began to subside and she gained control of her breath. The beat of her chest now matching with that of Aidan's as they held on tightly to one another. His little voice bringing her such peace and comfort, she knew for certain he was the one good thing to come out of being with Henry. She could never regret that, not for one moment. "Smile and maybe tomorrow, you'll see the sun come shining through, for you," he continued to sing.
He recited the whole song for her and when the song came to an end she tilted his head up to face hers and kissed every inch of his face. "Oh my sweet boy. You have made Mummy so happy. Never ever forget that," Anna said as she embraced him tightly.
"Mummy, please don't cry," he said sweetly.
"I'll try," she said before kissing him once more. They sat like that for a long time, until Aidan finally grew restless and she had no choice but to get up and power through the rest of the evening.
Three days. It had been three days since he'd seen her. Three days since she had told him that they were a mistake. He'd been walking around in a fog ever since he'd left her house and he hadn't heard anything back from Phyllis. He wasn't sure if that was a good sign or not; either she had tossed the card thinking he was crazy or Anna was keeping to herself. He had even tried ringing Charles but apparently Anna was avoiding her father just as much as him. He had thought better of stopping by her work, not wanting to startle her or feel like she was being smothered by all of them. After several failed attempts to get a hold of Anna and no response he decided he would go to her house himself after work.
"You alright mate?" Robert asked. "You seemed rather out of it during that conference call."
Not wanting to cast Anna in a bad light, John chose not to say much on the matter. "Nothing. Just haven't been able to get a hold of Anna is all," John said as he chanced a look at his phone once more. No calls.
"Well, she's a single mum. I'm sure she has a good reason. Probably just busy juggling a million things at once," Robert surmised as he dropped a few folders onto John's desk.
"What's this?" John asked.
"Some big fish I'd like you to try and snag for the firm," he answered, but John seemed to be paying little mind to anything he had to say. "I got you a musician, an athlete, and Sasquatch," he said just to check if John was listening.
"Oh, sounds good," John said as he moved his mouse around on the screen.
"My God man! You aren't even trying to focus," Robert exclaimed.
"Sorry mate," John apologized as he flipped through the folders and actually tried to read the words on the pages. "I'll take a look at them tonight when I get home," John said as he tucked them into his briefcase.
"You know if you are so worried about her you may as well take the afternoon off and go check on her," Robert said with a smirk.
"Oh, that's not necessary," John said.
"Please. You'll be doing me a favor. I can't have clients seeing a depressed public relations manager. It'll put me out of business. Besides you'll be heading out of town on a business trip soon to smooth over the rough waters with Kemal Pamuk. Might as well spend as much time with Anna as you can before you leave," he said with a smile. "Enjoy the rest of your afternoon," Robert said as he headed out the door.
"Thanks," John called back as he packed up his things and powered down his computer. He wanted to call Anna to see if she was home, but seeing as how he was getting little response back from her he thought it better if he stop by unannounced.
John knocked on the door and waited as patiently as he could for her to arrive. He didn't think it was possible to miss her as much as he had in the past few days. He thought he heard the sound of footsteps approaching the door and held his breath as the locks on the door shifted and clanked. After a few moments he realized she must have had three or four locks on the door and it only affirmed the suspicions that had been rolling around in his head the past few days.
"John?" Anna responded sounding surprised. She sounded as if she never expected to see him again.
"Hello," he managed to say, even though the sight of her threatened to rip his heart in two. Anna looked smaller somehow, more than usual. Had it really only been three days? he wondered. He noticed she had bags under her eyes and she appeared frail. Perhaps she wasn't eating enough or not at all. Despite wearing heavy layers she seemed to be clutching her clothes to her chest tightly. And her eyes were roving around like she was looking for the nearest exit, almost in a panic.
"What are you doing here?"
"I came to check on you," he answered quickly. "And Aidan too of course. I didn't want him to think my not being around had anything to do with him," he said thoughtfully.
Why did he have to be so nice? He was making it even harder on her. "Aidan is fine. He's not here though, it's a school day," she explained.
"I know. I was hoping to catch you when he wasn't around. Maybe then you might be more open to the idea of talking to me," he suggested shyly.
How could he not be upset with her? She had caused a scene in public, embarrassed him, and now she was ignoring him. Yet he thought it was his fault. "I have company over right now," Anna said as she checked over her shoulder towards the kitchen. "I should be getting back to her." She sounded angry at him for stopping by without warning her.
"You haven't returned my phone calls. Although I'm glad to see you are finally willing to open the door," he said meekly. But it didn't go unnoticed that she held the door in such a way to prevent him from coming in.
"I couldn't face talking to you. Not after the way I acted the other day," she explained with her hand still held firmly in place against the door.
"I told you I wasn't upset. I just want us to go back to the way we were before the game. Tell me what I have to do to get us back to that and I'll do it. I'll do whatever it takes," he said.
"It's nothing you can do," she said in a hushed tone. "You shouldn't have come here."
"Listen…" John's voice rose. When he saw her eyes widen in response he had to make a conscious effort to calm himself down and lower his voice. "I love you and unless you can tell me you don't feel the same way I won't give up on you. I will keep this up until you explain what has gone wrong with us."
"Explain what?" she asked in a harsh tone.
There it was again, the side of Anna that had emerged at the park. "One minute my life is perfect and in less than a day it is nothing. Something like this requires an explanation."
"I…" she began to speak but they were interrupted by a figure that made itself known from the kitchen.
"Mr. Bates. How lovely to see you again," she said sweetly.
John ran a hand through his hair in frustration, "Hello again, Ms. Baxter."
"I'm not interrupting am I? I just wanted to see what was taking you so long."
"No. John was just leaving," Anna said as she began to shut the door. "Thanks for stopping by John," she said in a small voice.
Once again he was left standing on the porch by himself. Now he didn't know what to do. She had addressed him like he was some delivery boy or worse, a stranger. He felt no better now than he had this morning when he hadn't heard back from her. If she wasn't going to give him answers then he would go to the one person who could. She'd probably be upset with him for this, but she had given him no choice.
"Ms. Hughes?" a soft voice came from the door. The young kitchen maid with wide eyes and dark hair pulled back nearly into a bun stood in the door frame.
Ms. Hughes looked up from her laundry list of things to do that day, eyeing it over the brim of her glasses. She tapped her pen on the table as she marked an item off her delivery checklist and folded her hands together nearly in her desk as she addressed Ivy. "Yes dear, what can I do for you?"
"There's a man here asking about you?"
"Oh. Is it Mr. Carson?" she asked while trying not to sound too eager.
Ivy didn't seem to notice as she spoke once more, "No it's Anna's fella. Mr. Bates."
"Did you tell him Anna wasn't scheduled for today?"
"I did," she answered quickly. "He said he wasn't here for Anna."
Ms. Hughes had been anticipating this conversation, although she had been hoping that Anna would have cut the poor man a break and tell him the truth. Clearly that was not the case. Ms. Hughes removed her glasses and waved her hand for the young woman to see him back to her office.
John filled the doorway easily with his large frame as he kept his hands in his pockets. He pressed his lips together nervously as he tried to determine the best way to go about this. After all he didn't exactly expect Ms. Hughes to spill all of Anna's secrets. "Hello, Ms. Hughes," he said kindly.
"Elsie," she corrected.
"Right. It's very good of you to see me in your spare time while you're busy at work," John said as he unconsciously fiddled with his keys buried in his coat.
"Please have a seat," she gestured.
He closed the door softly behind him to afford them some privacy.
"And to what do I owe this pleasure?" she asked.
"You see...I have to get to the bottom of what is troubling me and I believe that you can help," he said in a friendly manner.
"I doubt that," she replied in an even tone.
"That's just it, you see. I believe you know why I am here." Ms. Hughes didn't deny the claim but she didn't address his accusation either. "Since that day on the field Anna refuses to take my phone calls, won't respond to my texts or emails," he said in a hurt tone of voice.
"I am sure it's just a lovers spat. Give her time," she said. Admonishing her own words as they left her mouth.
"I tried giving her space too. But I don't think that's the answer. Anna seems to be more withdrawn than ever," John took a moment to consider what he would say next as he tried to read the woman sitting across from him. "I've been happy with Anna. Happier than I had any right to be, but that only makes present situation all the harder to bear."
"I can imagine."
"Can you? Can you, Ms. Hughes?" John addressed her formally now. "The sight of me is torture for her, which is torture for me," John grimaced as he uttered the words. "She said we were a mistake...I think she means to end it all," he said sadly. He tried avoiding the older woman's gaze because he knew if he didn't he might become emotional. "I know it's probably not fair of me to ask this of you but... what happened to Anna?"
"I take it she didn't tell you then?"
John nodded his head in a 'no' motion.
"How much do you know about Anna's past John?" she asked.
"I know her mother, Alice died when she was about Aidan's age. And that you and Alice were good friends. I know she had family elsewhere, but that when Alice passed Mr. Carson chose to raise her himself," he said.
"What about Aidan?"
"What about him?"
"Has Anna mentioned anything about his father?"
"Hardly. The few times she mentioned him she was very vague on the subject and didn't speak too kindly about him. I can't say I blame her, I mean he obviously isn't around. I just assumed he didn't want Aidan," John said. Just saying the words tore through his heart like a knife. Knowing what he knew now and seeing how wonderful Aidan was, he couldn't fathom how someone wouldn't want to be a part of his life or Anna's.
"Aidan's father isn't around because he doesn't know about Aidan. And Anna prefers to keep it that way," she stated simply.
John had not expected to hear that. He couldn't understand why, but he knew Anna to be a smart and reasonable person. She must have had her reasons for doing so.
"There are still details about Aidan's father that Anna chooses to withhold, but I know that she met him while she was attending university. Apparently after they had been together for a few months he became abusive," Elsie said. She noticed that John winced at her words but managed to keep a straight face as he waited for her to go on. "I wish I could tell you why she let it go on for as long as she did. Maybe because he was her first serious relationship. Maybe she thought she could change him or that his love for her would be enough to make him stop hitting her," Elsie guessed. "It never stopped or became less painful. In fact, the longer she stayed with him the worse it became. Until she could take no more." This time when she looked at John she saw that they both had tears streaming down their cheeks. She couldn't understand why she was still crying. She was crying just as hard now as she had five years ago when she heard it from Anna the first time.
"I...I don't even know what to say. Did she say nothing the entire time?"
"I'm still not really clear on when they met or how long they were together, but I know she was with him when she came home for Christmas vacation before…" she paused. There was no point in repeating it again. "I should have known. She wasn't herself when she came home for her break from university. She was so quiet and shied away whenever someone, particularly a man, came close to her. She tried to keep herself covered up to prevent anyone from seeing the bruises."
"You couldn't have known," he tried to assure her.
"No, but I should have known something was off. I should have pressed her. In fact, I had brought it up with Charles when she left to return to school and he said she was probably just drained from exams. I feel like I sent her off to the slaughterhouse."
"How did you find out?" he asked quietly. He was hunched over now with one elbow resting on his knee and his hand propping up his forehead.
"She came home unexpectedly. Not at Charles' place. Mine," she clarified. "She could barely get into the tub on her own. It was a miracle she was able to get her clothes off without any help. There was hardly a patch of skin on her that he hadn't marked with his hands," Elsie said as she stared at her hands. Elsie looked far off as she was reminded of the different shades of yellow, purple, and pink that marred Anna's small frame; evidence that this had not been a one time occurrence. Elsie swallowed the lump in her throat again before she continued where she had left off. "I wanted to tell Charles, but she wouldn't let me. She didn't want to have to recount her story to the police or a doctor. I know it sounds unlike her, but at the time she threatened to run off. I couldn't allow that. When she was well enough to see a doctor without rousing suspicion we took her in, but it was only to confirm what she already thought to be true. She was pregnant."
John sat there trying to take it all in. It all made sense now. The locks on the door and the alarm system. The way she nearly jumped out of her skin whenever there was a loud crash or she was caught off guard. The way she had reacted at the park about him teaching Aidan to fight back and when he tried to stop her. He thought he might be sick to his stomach as he played that moment back in his mind. His hands were visibly shaking as they rested on his thighs. John then came to the realization that Anna wasn't just reliving it, she was still fearful that Aidan's father would return. And what if he did? Would he be just as much of a threat to Aidan as he was to Anna? John wouldn't allow that to happen.
Finally Elsie spoke, "I think on some level I knew she was right...about how Charles would have reacted. When it's your own child you want to protect them and bring the perpetrator to justice. I know it's true because I felt the same way when I found out. But at the end of the day it doesn't change things for Anna, it won't take away the pain or the memories. You will serve her better by helping her move on and make new memories for her."
It was so quiet in the room. Far too quiet for either of their liking and they shifted uncomfortably as they tried to figure out who should speak next. John was at a loss for words, a couple of time he began to speak and instead just covered his mouth with the tips of his fingers and thought better of it. Instead he looked out the window of her office that overlooked the street, he was stunned into silence. She was right, for all their talking it wouldn't change things to better Anna's situation. Instead he would do as Elsie had suggested, he would be there to support Anna in any way he could.
"I am probably speaking out of turn. But I have to ask. Did he force himself on her? Is that how... what I mean to say is... is that why she has Aidan?" He hated even having to ask. It wouldn't change his feelings towards Anna, but he also knew they couldn't begin to deal with this until they had a firm grasp of the situation.
"No. That much I am sure of," she said.
"Do you swear it?" he asked. His voice cut through the air like a knife. It wasn't harsh or angry, but it was demanding of answers.
"Do I really have a reason to lie to you now?" she asked indignantly. "After all, I willingly gave up her secret to you," she reasoned.
He mulled over her words for a moment. "Maybe so, but I think it's because she couldn't hide it from Charles anymore. The abuse that is. Perhaps she thought that piece of information would be enough to quell his need for answers. That he wouldn't think to ask for more."
"Mr. Bates," she addressed him seriously, "I can't say I'm not impressed by your desire to help and protect Anna. But I've told you all I know. And no one wants to protect Anna more than I do."
"Very well," John said as he rose from his seat. "Thank you for your time Ms. Hughes."
She was surprised to see him leaving so soon. "You should stay, take a moment to gather yourself."
"I couldn't. Not when I know that Anna is trying to hold her head high on her own right now. I know sharing this with anyone was not easy. Thank you for telling me," he said with a small reassuring pat on her shoulder.
Still seated in her chair and staring out the window she said one last thing to him before he walked out the door. "Had it been any other man I don't think I would have said a word. But I see the way you look at her and my god son. I've never seen them as happy as they are when they are with you. I think, given some time, you will help to make things right for the both of them."
John gave a small nod of approval and a smile as he walked out of her office and headed back to Anna's flat.
Anna walked into her bedroom and put some of the laundry down on the bed before opening the drawers and putting them away. She picked up a few stray toys and was about to leave the room when she heard the sound of humming coming from the blanket chest that sat at the end of her bed. She mustered a smile as she opened the cover of the chest and revealed Aidan playing with his action figures and a flashlight. Mr. Bear was perched beside him and he had his baby blanket in there with him. "What are you doing, love?"
"Playing in my hideout," he answered only half paying attention to her. He was engrossed in some imaginary adventure that she couldn't begin to understand. She laughed as he made up a variety of sound effects and conversations between the action figures he was playing with.
"Do you want Mummy to leave this open or closed?" she asked before heading out of the bedroom.
"Closed," he said. She was just about to shut the lid when he asked, "Mummy, where is John?"
"He's been busy with work," Anna answered as she looked away. Her first lie to him.
"We never went for ice cream after my game. Is he still going to take me?"
"I'm sure he will," she answered.
"Why didn't we have dinner at Grandpa's tonight?" he asked.
"Mummy had to clean up around the house." Another lie. Where would it end? In truth her father had tried calling her multiple times and each time she let it go straight to voicemail. When he stopped by she gave him the same treatment she gave John.
"But you've been cleaning all day," Aidan argued.
"Well, there's a lot of cleaning to do Aidan. Mummy is only one person."
"Can we go to Grandpa's tomorrow?"
"I don't think so darling," she answered growing slightly agitated.
"Why?" he asked.
"Because Mummy is tired," she snapped. Aidan sat staring at her with wide eyes and on the verge of tears. Anna dropped the toys on the floor and they scattered around her feet. "Darling, I'm sorry," she began to apologize but instead he abruptly shut the lid to the blanket chest. Could she do nothing right? She'd always promised herself she would never raise her voice to Aidan and now she felt worse than ever. "Aidan, I didn't mean it," she said through the cedar chest.
"I want Grandpa!" he shouted from inside the blanket chest.
She could see she wasn't going to get anywhere right now. Anna bent down to pick up the toys and made her way down the hallway to drop off the toys in Aidan's room. She heard a knock at the door and automatically headed towards it, not even thinking about who it could possibly be. Anna zipped up her hoodie and moved a stray hair from her face, she chanced a glance at herself in the mirror and wished she had taken the time to comb through her hair a bit. She looked haggard and run down, the bags under her eyes looked more prominent than they had the day before. She deactivated the alarm, slid the chain lock over, and undid both dead bolts before opening the door. She was genuinely surprised to see John standing before her. "John?"
"Hi," he replied warmly. He had mentally prepared himself on the way over to her house, trying not to break at the thought of what she had gone through.
"Didn't we discuss this earlier? I need space," she filled in for him.
"I understand, but I needed to speak with you," he said.
"Can't we do this later? I'm trying to clean up around here," she said.
John looked around to see that the house already looked immaculate and couldn't imagine what else she had to do. "And when will that be?" he asked.
"I don't know. Whenever I'm done," she replied.
She was so different from the Anna he had just seen earlier that afternoon. The spark in her eyes was gone, there was no subtle skip in her step like usual, even her voice had lost its usual spunk. He was losing her to this. He didn't even know what to call it. Depression? Relapse? Whatever it was called, she wasn't fighting it like she was before. Before he even had a chance to address her response she had walked off towards the laundry room and left the door wide open. John took it as an open invitation to let himself in, shut the door softly and followed behind her.
"Where's Aidan?" he asked.
"In his hideout. Probably still mad at me," she said softly.
"Where's that?"
"It's the blanket chest in my room," she explained. Anna let the conversation die there and didn't offer him any further information.
John waited a moment to see if she would say anything else to him, when she didn't he decided to take the reins of the conversation. "Alright then, you don't have to talk. You just listen and I'll do the talking."
"Fine. Knock yourself out." Anna said looking mildly irritated that he couldn't just let things be, but she didn't have the energy to fight right now. Anna was still berating herself for snapping at Aidan and now she had to contend with whatever John wanted to talk about.
Anna stood over the dryer in the laundry room and brought a bottle of shoe polish down from the cupboard along with a brush to scrape off the loose dirt. She reached around John to retrieve an old rag and grabbed Aidan's cleats from the shelf next to her.
John couldn't help but notice that they were already clean, but he let her go on. If keeping busy was her way of dealing with things, who was he to judge? For the first few minutes he just watched her and how poised she was even as she fought off the darkness that threatened to overtake her. She was so committed to the task at hand, her eyes unwavering, her dedication was infinite. Her hands moved with precision and care as she shifted the cleats from one hand to the other and really put her whole body into her motions. The sounds of the brush against leather became a constant, soothing rhythm and it was the only thing to fill the silence. John noticed there were tiny cracks on her hands that had split open and were bleeding from the use of cleaning products without gloves on. He didn't have the heart to interrupt her, instead he beheld this woman standing before him that was a living testament of real courage and strength.
"You don't have to do that you know. It's late," John noted as he struggled to make small talk with her. It was odd, they had never had trouble making small talk. Even when they weren't talking, they had never had trouble communicating. But it was impossible to accomplish even that when she refused to make eye contact with him. There was more than just a physical space between them now, it was as if an invisible barrier were keeping them apart. Even though the laundry room was small, it was large enough for him to keep an arms length worth of space between them. Being mindful of her past, he didn't want her to feel threatened.
"Someone has to do it," Anna replied. Something about his presence in the room was overwhelming to her. She was conflicted by the emotions that were running through her mind. Anna was so grateful to have him nearby, but hated the fact that he had to see her like this. She had never felt so vulnerable and exposed, not even when Ms. Hughes had found her that day. If she could just focus on the shoes, maybe she could keep her emotions in check.
"But it doesn't always have to be you," he answered back. He had to fight the urge to take her in his arms and hold her. Whisper into her ear that it was going to be alright, that they would get through this, that he would never forsake her, or let her come to harm.
She scrubbed incessantly until he rest his hand upon hers and her movements came to a halt. The weight of it was a welcome relief, the smoothness of his palms was a silent comfort, like a second skin he became her armor and her defenses crumbled. He gently pried the brush from her hand and set it aside on the table. His hand returned back to its rightful place, enveloping hers. Her anxiety was punctuated by his gentle tone, "I know."
Her lip quivered violently; no matter how hard she fought it, the tears came tumbling down on their own accord. "I forced Ms. Hughes to tell me," he said.
"Then she was very wrong. It wasn't her secret to tell," Anna said as she withdrew from him. Her eyes wandered the room looking for an exit and her body tensed up even more.
"Did you really think I would just give up on you? That I wouldn't wonder what caused your outburst the other day?"
Anna became silent. She should have known she wasn't fooling anyone but herself by claiming to be alright and avoiding their questions. Now it was all out in the open and there was no denying it anymore.
"Anna, why wouldn't you tell me?"
She tried her best to keep a stiff upper lip as she looked him in the eye. "Because it was shameful. And now my shame has nowhere to hide. I chose him. I must have done something wrong to warrant his abuse. And I let it go on," the words were spilling out faster than he could react.
"What do you talk of shame? There is no shame in any of this. "
"What's worse is I left my child fatherless. Yes, I know he's better off not knowing He..." she caught herself. She almost gave his name away. "Not knowing him," she corrected herself hoping that John hadn't noticed the slip up. "But I am not blind or ignorant. I hear the whispers and what people say about me."
"But that's just it. None of this is your fault," he emphasized.
"It doesn't matter where the fault lies. It's what they think. And some minds you cannot change no matter how hard you try. I can only imagine what they will say when I go to Aidan's next game," she said remorsefully. "But you know what? I don't care. They can say whatever they want to say about me. I'd rather they talk about me than Aidan." Anna let her head drop and stared at her feet; she wished she could just disappear. Maybe if she stared at the floor long enough it would swallow her up where she stood. "You probably hate me now for the way I treated you," she uttered as a fresh set of hot tears blazed a tall down her face. Then she felt his hand under her chin, tilting her head back enough to face him.
"I could never hate you," he said in the most gentle voice she had ever heard him use.
"Maybe not. But I'll be a victim in your eyes, and that's just as bad," she managed to get out as she drew her arms around herself. "I can tell that you already aren't looking at me the same way as before."
John looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath before exhaling and feeling his own eyes fill with tears. "You're right. I don't look at you the same way." He watched her lip tremble as she blinked back tears. "What I see is a survivor. Not a victim. I see someone who is stronger than she believes herself to be. A woman that walked away on her own and had to bear this memory like some scarlet letter." John leaned forward now and noticed she didn't cower away. He took his hands and cupped her cheeks as he spoke. "My darling, I don't know how you did it. But I have never been prouder, nor loved you more than I do in this moment."
"Truly?" she asked with all the innocence of a child.
"Truly," he responded without hesitation. With those words she collapsed into his arms and held onto him for dear life as she cried her eyes out. He whispered reassurances in her ear as he pressed kisses into her hair. He shielded her in his big, strong arms and rubbed her back softly until she could cry no more.
When she finally stopped crying and pulled away the only thing she could do was frown as she placed a hand on his chest, "Oh no. I got your shirt all wet."
"It's fine," he replied with a small shrug of his shoulders.
Still wrapped in his arms she wiped her eyes that were red and puffy from crying. "I must look like a mess right now."
"Nah, you look gorgeous," John said as he moved a stray hair back behind her ear.
"You need your eyes checked," she replied with a small laugh.
He smiled in response, it was the first laugh he had heard from her. "Maybe so, but even a blind man could see how beautiful you are," he complimented.
"Now you sound like Aidan," she shot back.
He chuckled at that. John had missed him as much as he had missed Anna. "How is he?"
"He's rather cross with me at the moment. And he's been asking about you since...well you know. You should go say 'hello' he would love to see you," she suggested. "Maybe it will get me back in his good graces," Anna said with a smirk.
"I'd love to," John replied as he raised her hand to his mouth and kissed the top of it. He held onto her hand after that as she led him down the hallway to her bedroom. When they reached her room and he found it empty he looked around with a perplexed expression on his face. "Where is he?" John asked softly.
She gestured towards the blanket chest and John had to smile at that. He slowly let go of her hand as he walked toward the large chest and slowly opened the lid. When he did he saw that Aidan had fallen asleep with his bear in his hand and his thumb in his mouth. John picked the boy up without waking him and whispered, "Will he be sleeping in your bed or his tonight?"
"His," she replied softly. John nodded in understanding and was about to walk off when she said, "I want you to sleep here tonight."
The statement shocked him as he stood frozen in place. Knowing what had happened he didn't want her to feel obligated or pressure to do anything solely to please him. He slowly turned back around with Aidan still in his arms and said, "Anna, we don't have to do anything."
"I know," Anna replied quickly. "I feel safer. I just want you nearby. Would...would that be alright?" she asked in a childlike voice.
"Of course," he replied. The corners of his mouth slightly turned up as he produced a half smile and carried Aidan back to his bedroom.
John had become well versed in putting Aidan into bed now without so much as invoking a rumble from him. Yet here he was sleeping peacefully in his bed with Mr. Bear at his side and John could barely contain himself from waking him up. John watched him stir in his sleep and turned the night light on before lightly shaking Aidan. "Aidan," he whispered softly. The boy winced slightly but didn't wake up fully. "Aidan," John said again.
This time Aidan's eyes began to open, "Whaaa…" He rubbed at his eyes with his tiny fists and let his vision slowly adjust to the darkness. "John?" he asked in a raspy voice, still filled with sleep.
"Hey kiddo," John greeted him.
"You're back," he said a little louder than necessary. Aidan's voice was filled with excitement as he smiled at John.
"Yeah, I'm back," John replied. No sense in trying to explain it all to the child.
"Mummy said you were busy with work."
"Well, your Mummy was right. But I'll never be too busy for you or your Mummy," John answered back as he brushed the hair from Aidan's forehead. "I can promise you that."
"Can you take me to school in the morning?" Aidan asked.
John had to laugh slightly, the significance of his words lost on Aidan. But if there was one thing he had learned in the short time he had been dating Anna was that kids hear and remember everything. He hoped that one day Aidan would remember his words and would be able to say that was one promise he had never broken. John eyes filled with tears as he regarded the young man who looked so much like his mother and whom he couldn't love more than if he were his own flesh and blood. "Sure. I can take you to school in the morning," he answered back simply. "Now go back to sleep," John said as he placed a kiss on Aidan's forehead.
"Okay," Aidan answered back as he snuggled further into his blankets.
John waited until he was sure that Aidan was fast asleep and rose to his feet as his knee protested. He walked over to the door and made sure all the locks were in place and sighed to himself as he assessed all the barriers Anna had put up to protect herself; in order to feel some level of comfort. At least they were safe now.
A/N: The song Aidan sings is called, "Smile" by Charlie Chaplin