December 13, 2013

She had not thought this 'sleepover' thing through.

Of course, this isn't the first night she's realized it. When she'd put Jack to bed – which had taken a while, probably too long for a school night – and started her own bedtime routine she'd been confronted with something that had not dawned on her.

Staying at Hotch's place meant staying in Hotch's bed.

Well, okay, she could sleep on the couch. It was a possibility, for sure. But not only did she figure it would be weird for Jack, but it would have been weird for her too. Why would she sleep on the couch when there's a perfectly good bed down the hall? Except that perfectly good bed is almost sinful and smells like Hotch. She's having a bit of trouble.

He'd basically given her everything when they'd hit Quantico: his keys, his car, his apartment and told her to keep track of everything she buys while Jack's in her care. She'd scoffed at the last one, though not out loud. What if she ends up spoiling the kid and bringing him candy every day? That shouldn't be Hotch's problem, she doesn't think. If she wants to spoil the adorable little boy she hasn't seen in over a year, she's damn well going to.

Aside from what she's already doing with the advent calendar.

Needless to say, it had taken her a while to fall asleep herself.

When she'd offered to take Jack, it hadn't felt different. It had, quite honestly, just made sense to her. When the call had come in her thoughts had immediately gone to the Christmas traditions, to all the things she and Jack weren't going to be able to do so long as he was at Jessica's. It just wouldn't seem right to her. Sure, she and Jessica knew each other, but Emily thinks it would feel like an intrusion to be calling the woman asking to take Jack.

But now, here in his apartment, just her and his son, she feels the difference.

Which, she reflects, is a little bit stupid. They've been, she hesitates to call it dating but that's pretty much what it is. Regardless, they've been doing it. Wednesday, yesterday, it had been easy, but suddenly, in an empty bed with his son down the hall, it doesn't feel so easy. Maybe it's the distance giving her the necessary time to remind her that she isn't worth it, isn't worth this. Between the two of them they're a mess of issues and it can only be simple for so long, she knows that. Sometimes it's the job, sometimes it's just personalities.

And neither of them are people that open up. She's just always been alone, aloof and she's learned the hard way that if she stays that way, if she doesn't let people in, then she doesn't get hurt. Hadn't it been reaffirmed when Doyle had hunted her down? Because undercover or not there were definitely aspects of Lauren that were her and she'd had to let him in, had to fall in love. It was her job. And it had messed her up. And Hotch's Doyle had been Foyet, his reminder that making yourself vulnerable meant losing those people. It was the nature of what they did and by loving, they put people in danger.

She doesn't want to put more pressure on him. It's the last thing she wants. And she doesn't want to be the one to finally destroy him.

"Emily?"

She lifts her head from the pillow to find little Jack silhouetted in the doorway. "Buddy, it's late."

He rubs at his eyes with two small fists. He'd done much better tonight with the whole going to bed thing. They'd decorated a bunch of candy canes that he could take into school on Monday with antlers, red noses and googly eyes, she'd put him in the bath, then bed with a book. Seamless, normal routine.

"I had a bad dream."

She blows out a silent breath because, well, her thoughts don't bode well for good dreams either. "Come here, honey."

He races to her this time, even goes as far as to bounce on the bed as he crawls up to snuggle down next to her.

"Was it Daddy?"

He buries his head by her neck and cuddles in close. She takes that as 'yes' and sighs. Usually, she thinks, she'd tell him a story, maybe take him back to bed and read something happy, but if she's honest, she just does not feel like it. She wants to snuggle with him, wants to give herself better, happier thoughts and she wants to infuse that in him.

And then it hits her.

"Come on."

Jack looks up at her in confusion.

"We need every blanket, and every pillow. Meet me on the couch."

His eyes do light up, still not totally sure what they were going to do, but willing to follow along. And ten minutes later, she has his little body snuggled up next to hers. She's already got the DVD prepared and when he finishes fidgeting she points the remote at the television.

"Every who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot. But the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville, did not."

One day soon I'm going to be caught up with this thing. Dear gracious. It's hilarious because I get two days behind then catch up, then two days behind, then catch up. But the last thing I want to do is be behind on the 24th/25th. Then I'm absolutely terrible about putting up those chapters because then it's after Christmas and my before Christmas is way less chaotic than my after Christmas. It's kind of insane.

Anyway! Only one left. Then I'm caught up.

Um, I should probably also warn you though that I'm going on a road trip Monday. You should know pretty early on whether I'll be able to update or not. I don't even know! Otherwise it's going to be absolutely insane. It's really all or nothing.