Maura told Jane they had to be at the hospital at 9 am on Saturday morning for their prepared childbirth class, but it really started at 9:30. When Jane pulled Maura's car into the hospital parking structure at 8:55, she was surprised at how relaxed Maura was about them being late. It would take at least 10 minutes to park, ride the elevators down to the entrance, and then find the conference room where the class would be held. When Jane began to rush Maura out of the car, telling her she didn't need to bring all her notes, Maura admitted to her creative phrasing.
"Maura! You mean I could have slept half an hour longer?!" Jane took a step closer and lowered her voice when she said, "We could have cuddled longer?"
Maura paused in gathering her things to smile to herself, then tucked the last book into her bag. Standing up straight, she turned to Jane and kissed her cheek, then whispered, "All the cuddles you want. Later." Maura had anticipated Jane's need for an incentive, and blocked out the afternoon. "For every hour of class time, two hours of cuddle time." She took Jane's hand and led her toward the elevator. "I just wanted to be sure we weren't late. And, see, now we have time to get you a decaf from the hospital cafeteria."
The truth was that Maura was nervous. Being a birthing coach was exactly what Jane had asked her to do from the start. It was her first real job as co-parent, and she had to show Jane and Echo that she was a good choice. They were both depending on her to be the level-headed, rational, knowledgeable support that Jane would need when she was overwhelmed in labor. She wasn't so afraid that something might go horribly wrong; she knew and trusted Dr. Filer to deliver Echo safely. Maura was more afraid that when the time came she would panic or disappoint Jane, that Jane would need to go elsewhere for comfort and support. And, though she tried not to think about it, she worried that when Echo finally arrived, she would be unable to provide that tenderness to the baby as well.
Maura approached this challenge like she would any other: with copious amounts of research. She'd read the standard instructional manuals, finding the basics to be the same (be prepared but flexible, find coaches you can trust, develop ways to relax and focus, etc.), but the specifics were unsettlingly contradictory. For example, one book argued that it's fine to eat during labor, while another said only ice chips. When frustrated by these contradictions, Maura took to the scientific journals and found even more inconclusive results. The statistics of their studies were not at all convincing, and they all came with the caveat that all births are different. What Maura needed was a book on Jane's pregnancy and labor, and what would happen in this specific event. Without a crystal ball to tell the future, her head was swimming with possibilities and she did not feel the least bit equipped to take charge. Furthermore, she only had two months to prepare, maybe not even that long.
So she had questions. Pages and pages of questions. As much as she hated 'what ifs', the middle of labor was no time to be stuck without an answer, so she tried to prepare for all possible outcomes. What if the epidural didn't work? What if the baby was breach? What if the contractions increased in frequency faster than expected, and they didn't have time to get to the hospital? What if when they did get there, some attendant didn't allow Maura in the room because she wasn't legally related? What if, even though they filed a birth plan with the hospital and their doctor, it got lost?
The instructor, Sarah, began class with a brief overview of the assigned reading. (This was useful, as Jane never did manage to finish it.) As soon as the instructor opened it up to questions, Maura's hand shot up. Sarah called on her.
"Exactly how much blood should be expected during the bloody show in early labor?"
"Just a small amount. Any more than that and you should call your doctor for a consultation."
Sarah was about to call on another question, but Maura spoke up again. "How much is a small amount? A milliliter? A microliter?"
Sarah looked back and forth between Jane and Maura, then smiled and nodded sympathetically. "Up to a milliliter is normal." Then she turned and answered someone else's rudimentary question about what to pack for the hospital.
When Sarah called on Maura again, she asked, "At what point during labor should we arrive at the hospital, and what contingency plans are available if we don't make it in time?"
"Everyone's labor is different. A general rule of thumb is to get here as soon as possible after active labor begins, when contractions are no less than five minutes apart. Your doctor will give you specific instructions based on your pregnancy and progression, so don't be afraid to keep in contact with your doctor during early labor."
Sarah turned away again and Maura whispered to Jane, "A 'rule of thumb' is hardly helpful. We will need to speak to Dr. Filer for more specific and personalized information. And she didn't answer the rest of my question." Maura's hand went up to try again.
"Maur," Jane whispered, "Is this what you were like in school? C'mon, let the other kids have a chance to show off."
"This isn't about showing off, Jane. It's about your safety." Maura was whispering, but some other nearby parents were looking at her instead of the instructor. Maura didn't care. She continued, "It's about bringing Echo into the world as smoothly as possible."
"I know, but, still. C'mon." Jane grabbed Maura's hand and held it down in her lap.
"Jane!"
"You can ask the rest after."
At the break, Maura immediately stood to approach Sarah with the rest of her questions, but Jane held her back. "What's going on, Maur? You know those are all things Dr. Filer will know and take care of. We can talk to her about our birth plan and she'll answer all your questions."
"Yes, but—"
"Don't you trust her?"
"Yes."
"Then let her do her job. And you do your job."
Maura's chin dipped. She still felt woefully unprepared.
"Remember our rule from the doctor's office?"
Maura shook her head.
Jane prompted her, "When Dr. Filer is taking care of business down there," she waved her hands in front of Echo, "you stick with me up here." She held Maura's hands up and kissed her knuckles. "You don't have to be the doctor, you just keep me happy, like you've been doing all along. Ok?" Maura nodded. Jane sealed the agreement with a kiss.
After the break, each couple sat in tandem on a mat on the floor and Sarah went over some relaxation techniques, then went around to each couple to answer questions and offer advice individually as the couples practiced on their own. Jane entertained Maura's efforts to try different breathing patterns, but when it got to be too much, she started goofing off. She'd found a baby toy, probably a teething ring, among the supplies, and started spinning it around her finger.
"Jane."
"Maura."
"Breathe with me."
"I'm always breathing, Maura. It's involuntary. You should know that."
"You weren't breathing that day you shot yourself outside the precinct." She regretted it the second she said it.
Jane stopped twirling and sat up straight. "Maura."
"Sorry." Maura bowed her head in contrition.
Jane turned around to face her. "You're still worried, aren't you?" Maura wouldn't make eye contact, but Jane could see tears forming and Maura bit her lip. "Hey, look at me." Jane pulled Maura's gaze toward her. "Number one. I love you." She waited for that to sink in before continuing. "Number two, Dr. Filer is the best there is, right?" Maura nodded. "Number three, your job is to help me relax. And you don't need any silly breathing exercises to do that. You already know how." Maura's brow wrinkled. "You do it all the time. Show me." Jane turned around and waited.
After several seconds of nothing, Maura's hands touched down on Jane's shoulder blades. At that alone, Jane exhaled. Maura's hands began to move down, her fingertips pressing along Jane's spine, then her thumbs pressing repeated circles at her lower back. Jane began to sway with each stroke, her head bowing and her whole upper body giving way to the touch. Maura shifted to the left and wrapped her left arm around the front of Jane's shoulders, bracing her to provide better leverage as her right hand continued working the muscle. She rested her head on Jane's upper back and closed her eyes.
It wasn't enough. Maura untucked Jane's shirt and reached underneath, needing to feel the warmth of her skin. She traversed the ridges of Jane's spine, then scratched that spot between her shoulderblades that Jane could never reach herself. The scratches grew lighter and the strokes longer, Maura's palm moving up to Jane's shoulder, then her fingertips applying light pressure while dragging down. Eventually her palm landed on a smooth patch just below Jane's bra strap. She paused there, lifting her head and Jane's shirt enough to see there was no blood seeping out between her fingers. Then she discretely rounded Jane's ribs to find the matching scar on her front. Her thumb moved over it while her fingers rested over Echo. She shifted her head to blot tears on Jane's shirt.
Maura didn't mean to broach the emotions of that day. She didn't know where it came from; she thought she'd gotten over that whole ordeal. Apparently she'd just packaged it away and allowed it to collect dust. Now the memories were back with a vengeance.
Frank paced in the hospital waiting room while Angela ranted. Maura hardly noticed. She picked up the gist of Angela's tirade: two children in the operating room, one in prison. Maura wasn't sure whether Angela's conclusion was that she had failed her children or her children had failed her. Maura didn't dwell on the thought long; she was unable to focus on anything but the blood encrusted beneath her fingernails. Was it Jane's blood or Frankie's?
Everything up until that point was a blur. There were flashes of memories, of Jane pleading for her to do something, anything, to give Frankie enough time to get out of the precinct and to the hospital. There were red emergency lights and Bass, hiding in the corner, completely retracted into his shell. There were very large firearms pointed at her. There was smoke when SWAT arrived and the EMTs retrieved Frankie from the morgue while shots were fired outside. There was a deafening silence as Jane fell to the ground and her eyes closed. There was blood seeping through Jane's shirt, beneath Maura's hands. There was a feeling of helplessness because she couldn't apply pressure to both the entry and exit wounds at the same time.
The next thing she knew she was being ushered into a cruiser. In the driver's seat, Detective Korsak buckled her in and handed her his jacket, apologizing that he didn't have a towel or anything better with which to clean her hands. He brought her inside and waited for the Rizzolis to show up, then went back to the precinct to figure out what had happened. In the waiting room, she learned that both Rizzoli children were being prepped for the OR. The doctor said that Jane's blood pressure was low but she was responding well to a transfusion, and Frankie had survived this long only thanks to Maura's quick thinking in the morgue. "It wasn't me." Maura shook her head, but nobody heard her. "It was Jane." She wouldn't have been able to act if Jane hadn't been there.
Maura waited with her hands folded and her shoulders hunched. In spite of the people around her, she'd never felt so alone. Like part of her was missing. She couldn't think or move or feel until she knew that Jane would pull through.
Maura blinked several hours later, when the surgeon said Jane was being moved to recovery. The surgery went well; it was a clean through and through, but it perforated her diaphragm, which was why she'd had trouble breathing at the scene. He'd repaired the perforation and closed the wounds. She was in for several days of an antibiotic cocktail and at least a week of bedrest, but it was otherwise going to be an easy recovery. She was lucky, the doctor said.
Lucky. The word echoed in Maura's brain. Lucky. Lucky to have been held hostage. Lucky to have felt like she had to shoot herself to save her brother's life. Lucky to be seriously injured on the job twice in just over two years. Lucky. Maura felt an inexplicable wave of anger wash over her. That doctor didn't know Jane. He didn't know the nightmares she had endured, and that she'd only escaped because of her courage and grit and strength of character and Jane was the toughest person Maura knew and fuck this doctor who wanted to attribute her survival to luck.
Maura walked out while he was still talking to the Rizzolis. She walked until she found the room where Jane had been taken, still unconscious, to recover from surgery. Jane's head fell to the side. Her breaths were shallow but steady. Maura was the lucky one. She was lucky to have met Jane, to be able to call Jane a friend. A best friend. Maura traced the bones of Jane's index finger where her hand lay at her side. It was warm. When she got to the eight tiny bones of Jane's wrist, her palm lay flat and her fingers curled around Jane's. That was when she cried. It was cathartic, part relief, part release.
Jane's hand over Maura's, Jane's shirt between them and both covering her scar, brought Maura back to the present. "Did you love me then? That day at the precinct?" Jane paused, waiting for Maura to say something. When she didn't, Jane tried to clarify, "When Bobby—"
"I know what day you mean." Maura let go of the scar and returned her hand to Jane's back, but kept her hold around Jane's shoulders. "That was when I realized it," she whispered. "That I loved you. That I… couldn't let you go."
"I didn't know," Jane shook her head. "Should I have known it then?"
"No. You couldn't have known." Maura kissed Jane's shoulder for reassurance. "But it hurt all the same."
Jane grimaced, then looked up to see Sarah hesitantly approaching them. She quickly shook her head to dissuade the instructor, then pulled Maura's hand off her shoulder and kissed it. "I wish I had known. Then." She turned so she could make eye contact. "I can't go back and change what happened. And I don't know that I would, even if I could." Jane's eyes dropped between them. "But I can promise I won't do anything like that again." Maura nodded her understanding and Jane explained, "Nobody needed me then."
"I needed you."
"I didn't know."
Maura shrugged. "Neither did I."