Mild trigger warning; see end of chapter for specifics.

After midnight, Jane couldn't sleep. Echo's due date was only eight days away. Jane hoped she would arrive earlier than that. Now that Jane had nothing to do but incubate, she spent most of her time lying on the couch, sitting on Maura's exercise ball, or napping. She was ready to not be pregnant anymore. She was ready to have her body back. At night, the constant ache in her lower back kept her from getting comfortable, even with Maura's arm around her. She turned over to face Maura and found hazel eyes peering at her. The lips associated with them smiled and kissed her, then asked, "What can I do?"

Jane's legs reached out for Maura's and entwined them at the ankles. "You can't sleep, either?" A slight shake of Maura's head answered. "Maybe we should watch a movie." Neither made a move to do so.

Jane reached her hand out, her knuckles alighting on the side of Maura's breast. Her feather-light touch traced small circles on the satin, then shifted to fingertips. With increasing boldness, her nails dragged lightly over the small bump beneath the cloth, then tickled around it, feeling it rise and harden. She flicked it, playing, trying different things to see how it, how she, would react.

Jane's intention was not arousal per se; she merely wanted to explore. To learn. Next she palmed it, pressing in and up, like a bra would, and Maura closed her eyes and arched her back, pressing herself into Jane's hand. Maura's hand was on her thigh, grasping. She wanted more, but didn't want to show it.

Jane felt a wave of heat through her body. She wanted to give her more. She wanted to touch her, kiss her, love her. Make love to her. Whatever Maura needed, Jane would be eager to deliver.

She slipped her hand around to Maura's back, then kissed her, opening her eyes again. "What do you want, Maur?"

"Hmm?"

"I told you, before, what I wanted to do. To touch you and kiss you." She shrugged. "I want to know what you want. So I can make you happy."

Maura smiled then grew serious, contemplating. There was a fleeting glance at Jane's chest. When she spoke again, her voice was hushed but clear. "I want you to come. I want to hold you while you do. I want to be the reason for it. And I want you to trust me enough to allow it to happen."

Jane felt as though her chest had collapsed and she was struggling to breathe. Was it confusion? Fear? Her brain tried to sort itself out and latched on to the unexpectedness of Maura's answer. That's not what I meant. I don't need—

"I want you to know how much I love you. And to be comfortable with that."

Jane's mouth gaped for a moment before she found her breath and her voice again. "I do— I am—" But she stopped herself. Even she knew she was lying.

Maura ignored her denial and continued pressing. "I want to be the person you come to, when you need… anything." She reached out for Jane's hand, but withdrew when Jane reflexively retracted it. She sighed and explained, "I think you hurt sometimes, and I want to be the one to make you feel better. Because when you're happy, when you're relaxed…" Maura closed her eyes and smiled. "I am, too."

"Maura, I—"

"I know you're not ready yet, and I'm fine with that, I really am. I don't want to pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do." Maura bit her lip. "I think I may have pushed too much before. With the bath and everything. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have—"

"I loved it."

"—done that." Maura blushed when she registered Jane's words.

Jane scooted closer. "I loved it. I can't stop thinking about it. About you. I want to do it again. Don't you?" She combed her fingers through Maura's hair, then left her hand to cradle Maura's neck.

"Yes," she admitted.

"Then help me out here. Tell me what you want."

Maura picked Jane's hand up from where it rested and held it to her heart. "I want it to be mutual."

Jane swallowed. "I don't know if I can."

Maura smiled and kissed the back of Jane's hand, then wove their fingers together. "That's why we wait. In the meantime, I love holding your hand. Hugging you. Kissing you. Feeling you near me."

It wasn't the same, but Jane loved all those things too. She loved that she could just be with Maura. The things she did or said didn't have to mean anything or lead to anything. She never had to be careful about misleading Maura, because even if she did, Maura was listening. Maura never assumed or pressured. She just accepted. She was happy with whatever Jane was able to give her.

They snuggled closer together and Jane rested her head on Maura's shoulder, looking up at the ceiling. Maura slipped her hand under Jane's tank top to rest it on Echo.

"It might be a while," Jane said.

"I'll be here awhile," Maura countered.

"Like, after the baby is born."

"That could be any day now."

Jane bit her lips and smiled at the same time. "I'm excited to meet her."

Maura grinned into the darkness. "So am I."

"I'm nervous, too."

"So am I."

There was a long silence as each woman's thoughts wandered. Maura closed her eyes and tried to quiet her mind, to experience the moment of peace and to focus on the little aspects that made it unique. The scent of Jane's hair and the way it tickled her chin. The heat radiating from Jane at every point of contact. The expansion and contraction of Jane's ribs as she breathed. Maura's focus was rewarded when she felt a slight movement under her palm, perhaps a tiny foot pressing up and out.

Maura was almost asleep, half-dreaming about bringing the baby home from the hospital, when Jane spoke again. "Am I a tease?"

It took a moment for Maura to register what she was asking. Tease. She wilfully misunderstood the question. "You have a healthy sense of humor."

"No, I know I like to tease you sometimes, make jokes. I mean… am I a tease."

Maura lifted her head to see Jane's expression in the moonlight. Trying to figure out where this was coming from. "You mean sexually."

"Yeah."

"No." Maura put her head back down and closed her eyes, resuming their snuggle.

Jane took a moment before responding. "Ok." Maura waited for an explanation, but none came.

Her eyes still closed, Maura elaborated. "'Tease' implies an element of fun, that the motive is to tempt with the purpose of deriving enjoyment from the other person's frustration." She pointed her eyes at Jane, looking for a reaction.

Jane turned her head away, trying to escape Maura's scrutiny.

"I think you're more frustrated than I am, and you're certainly not enjoying it."

"Good analysis, Maur, thanks. I feel much better." Her tone indicated otherwise. "Can we go to sleep now?" Jane turned completely onto her side, away from Maura, and curled her legs.

"If you'd like." Maura brushed the hair off Jane's neck, kissed it, then rested her head on the pillow.

Minutes passed, but neither closed her eyes except to blink.

Maura's thoughts floated, following a logical path, connecting dots until they fell on an unknown variable. She'd tried to put it out of her mind, to wait for the right moment to ask, but the words echoed in her head, growing louder and louder, until she let them escape her mouth. "What happened with Casey?"

Jane's breath halted for a second, then she swallowed. "What do you mean? You know what happened. I got pregnant and we broke up."

Maura heard the words coming from her mouth. They were whispered, airy, like they were coming from somewhere across the room. "Why did you break up?"

"I don't know, Maura. Do we have to talk about this now?" Her voice was low. She was frustrated. She didn't want to discuss Casey, but she was clearly awake enough that she couldn't get out of it easily.

"Don't I deserve to know?" Maura hated herself for pressing. Immediately after asserting that she could wait, that she was happy, she couldn't stop herself from rooting into what was obviously a painful memory. She shouldn't have asked. Jane would tell her when she was ready. But she hasn't been ready, and she might never be.

Jane turned her head and searched Maura's face for meaning. Motive. "Why do you want to know?"

Maura gave a soft sigh and shrugged. "So I don't make the same mistakes he did." It wasn't the whole truth. Yes, she wanted to know what he'd done wrong to make her stop loving him. She'd also wondered for some time what kind of man would be such a fool to have given her up so easily. And what he'd done to hurt her. To make her the subdued woman who sat in her morgue all those months ago, studying her hands and making no jokes. The Jane Maura knew had mostly returned since then. She was bright and magnetic, sociable and comfortable most of the time. It was only during conversations like these, when Maura dared push the boundaries of her comfort zone, that Jane showed any unease. Maura hoped she wasn't repeating Casey's missteps.

What in fact spurred Maura into asking in that particular moment was the idea that someone important to her had accused her of being a tease. That despicable slander, applied to women who were disinclined to comply with a man's wishes. Maura already suspected that Casey wasn't the gentleman he appeared to be, and she was feeling protective. She needed to know exactly what he'd done and just how much to hate him.

But Maura's half-true explanation made her sound vulnerable. Jane turned onto her side toward Maura again and tugged gently at Maura's pajamas. "C'mere." When they were tucked together, Jane sighed and tried to explain. "It wasn't anything he did or didn't do. He was nice. We never fought or anything, you know? He would do things, like cook and clean and do my laundry. And it wasn't, like, unwelcome. I mean, I know those aren't high on my list of priorities or anything. But when he did that, I always felt guilty. Like I should be the one taking care of him. Like some Suzy Homemaker."

Jane shook her head and continued. "It's stupid. This is the 21st century, there's no reason a guy can't do the housework. And he never said or did anything, he seemed to really like doing that stuff. But. I felt like I wasn't doing my part.

"So I'd. I don't know. I tried to be what I thought he wanted. Happy. Cute. One of those girls." Maura didn't know what those girls were like, but Jane continued before she could ask. "I can't cook, and I don't clean…." Jane got lost in her own thoughts and never finished her sentence. Her eyes focused off into the darkness while her left hand repeatedly made and released a fist, fingernails digging into palm, kneading.

Maura was about to say something when Jane stopped. "Anyway, he made excuses about being busy and I didn't mind. We just stopped seeing each other. That's all. That's what happened." She turned and pulled Maura's head to her lips. "So don't worry about it."

While Maura debated requesting more of an explanation, she found Jane's hand. Her fingers felt the raised scar tissue on the back and her thumb traced the matching line on the front. She knew that to Jane, those scars were nothing but nightmarish memories and reminders of weakness, but they were different for Maura. For Maura, they reflected what made Jane who she was. They showed that she was resilient, courageous, and fallible. And because of how and when they became friends, Maura felt that she owned a piece of those scars. That she owned a piece of Jane. She wasn't there for the violent acts that created the wounds, but she was there for their healing.

Jane watched the motions Maura made. "He knew." It was a whisper. She cleared her throat, then clarified, "Hoyt, I mean." Maura's eyes met Jane's. "He knew before I did, that I loved you. That's why he hurt you."

"You stopped him."

"Yeah." Jane half-smiled. "I guess he didn't realize how much I loved you." She twisted their hands around to intertwine their fingers. "Love you."

Maura smiled softly and watched Jane's fingers curl around her own.

"I love you," Jane asserted with clarity, "and I didn't love Casey."

Maura turned her head toward Jane, but not enough to make eye contact. "You didn't?"

"No." Jane's shoulder raised, shrugging. "I thought I did. Or. I thought I should. He was a great guy," she shrugged again. "Why wouldn't I love him?"

"Did you love him in high school?"

Jane laughed. "I never told you that whole story, did I?" Maura shook her head against Jane's collarbone. "He was two years older than me, and the only reason he talked to me was we both played soccer and the boys' team had to share a bus with the girls' team for away games. I had a huge crush on him, probably just because he was nice. You know, teenage boys can be assholes, but he wasn't. He was dating this cheerleader, and she dumped him right before graduation." Jane put one hand behind her head. "I wonder what happened to her."

Maura tried to refocus the conversation. "You said you almost lost your virginity to him."

Jane laughed. "Yeah, as in, I went and found him cleaning out his locker after graduation, and I kissed him."

"Just like that?"

"Yeah, I don't know where I got the nerve. I wasn't even sixteen."

"What did he do?"

"He…" She hadn't thought about that day in years. "I remember this. He pushed me away, then looked me up and down, squinting. Then he smiled and said, 'I'm joining the army tomorrow. Keep in touch, kid.'"

"He called you 'kid'?"

"Yeah. He had family issues, I think. That's why he joined the army. Couldn't stay at home."

"But. So why did you say you almost lost your virginity?"

"I would have, if he'd had any interest in me." Jane bit her lip. "It was a stupid crush. That's all. I was stupid."

Maura's brow furrowed. She didn't know how to effectively dispute the claim. It was too irrational. Instead, she attempted to redirect the conversation. "Did he love you?"

"Then? No."

"Now? I mean, last year, before you broke up?"

Jane raised her eyebrows and said sardonically, "He loved fucking me."

Maura stiffened.

"Sorry." Jane shook her head, disappointed in herself. "I, uh. No, I don't think he loved me."

There was a long silence in which neither moved and they hardly breathed. Jane was about to apologize again when Maura spoke. It was no louder than their conversation had been, but the words were blaring in both their ears. "Jane, did he—" She swallowed; her mouth was suddenly dry. "Did he force you?"

"No, it wasn't like that." As she talked, Jane gently nudged Maura up and off of her. "It was more like… it was easier to do it than to argue. It was so important to him." She pushed herself up to sitting and swung her legs off the side of the bed, her back to Maura. "I guess because he couldn't, for so long. I thought, it wasn't a big deal to me. If that's all it took to make him happy, I could deal with it."

Jane sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the wall. Her hands were folded over her middle. "It was just… every time, I could feel myself getting weaker." Her gaze dropped to her hands, slowly wrapping around herself and Echo. "I, um." She shook her head. "Integrity."

Jane was silent for too long and Maura didn't want to spook her, but she also didn't want her to think she was in any way alone. Maura slowly sat up onto her knees behind Jane. Her right hand hovered in the air two inches from Jane's back, not knowing if touching her would be the right thing to do.

Maura startled when Jane said again, "Integrity." Maura's hand recoiled and her fingers curled. Jane tried to explain, "That word kept popping into my head."

Maura swallowed. "Being honest, having strong moral principles. Integrity."

"Yeah. That's one definition." Jane's left hand lifted away from her middle and turned, palm up, fingers outstretched, so she could examine it in the near darkness. The lighting didn't matter; Jane knew her own hands by heart. Her memories filled in the blanks. "They talk about integrity in police training, you know. They say you need it to be respected. In a community."

"And the other definition?"

Jane's right index finger traced her scar. "Being whole."

Maura wiped the back of her hand across both cheeks and inhaled raggedly. "Jane." Maura scooted forward and flung her legs out, dropping them off the side of the bed and coming to sit right up next to Jane. Before Jane could hide her hands, Maura grabbed one and held it, kneading it roughly.

"It doesn't hurt anymore, Maura. You don't have to do that."

She didn't stop. "These wounds were once pink and held together by stitches. You had to wear bandages, then band-aids, and then nothing at all, and that's when I saw them for the first time. The scars were pink and they were tender and caused you pain as the scar tissue grew. And over time, a long time, they faded, and now they don't hurt at all. I can press as hard as I want," and she did, "and if there is any pain, it's not enough even to make you wince."

Jane shrugged. "They've healed."

Maura stopped rubbing and pressed her palm against Jane's, spreading their fingers out like a five-pointed star. Asterozoa. The tips of Jane's longer fingers curled around and pressed gently on the ends of Maura's, testing their flexibility and resilience. Maura stretched her fingers out and pressed back with equal force.

Maura tried to explain. "You're still regenerating."

Jane nodded and slipped her fingers between Maura's. "Growing back."

"I know I need to be better," Maura admitted to the floor. "I need to earn your trust. Prove that I'm here to stay. And that I can be your person, that you can trust me to protect you and honor you when you feel vulnerable." She looked sideways at Jane and asserted, "You don't have to be brave for me."

Jane squeezed Maura's hand and looked up. She still wasn't making eye contact, but it was closer. "It's not that I don't trust you. I do. I trust you more than anyone. You are the one I come to. You're the one who makes me feel better."

She untangled their hands and shifted to the side, away from Maura, only by an inch or two. "But I don't want to be that person. Who always needs something from you. I don't want it to be all about me and my needs. I'm living in your house, taking up your time and your space and asking you to be a mother, of all things, and what can I give you in return? Nothi—"

"You. Echo. Your love. Your family. Your laughter. Your hugs. Your tears. Your time. Your pain, your sorrows, your joys, your jokes, your beauty, your scars, your touch. Your trust. I want it all, Jane. Every piece of you, I want it, I want to hoard it and treasure it and know it and love it. You have to let me love you back."

Jane finally looked up, into Maura's eyes. At first Jane's face was full of confusion and unshed tears. But as she stared, her knit eyebrows relaxed and her face softened, the faintest of smiles gracing her face. Relief. It was a start.

Trigger warning: This chapter contains dialogue about potentially non-consensual sex.