Published July 2, 2009

Chapter Three: The Grand Escape

Meta-Ridley soared high above the surface of Tallon IV, incisively searching for his sworn enemy: Samus Aran. She had cleared the Chozo Ruins of their soldiers and was recently spotted in the Phendrana Drifts.

"I seriously doubt that you'll be able to find her from that high, especially if she's inside the facilities," the Omega Pirate said over his radio.

"Stop finding out my frequency!" Meta-Ridley snapped, neck twitching. "I'm changing it again…"

"It's gonna either be 1.82 or 3.01."

"No, it… Fuck you!" Ridley did a U-turn and went toward an entrance to the facility. He flew at top speed and landed, grinding into the ground and sliding 4 meters. He would have gone farther if he didn't crash into the wall of the building.

Falling to the ground, he lay there as an Ice Beetle scurried up to him. It clicked and poked him to see if the cybernetic dragon was still alive. When Ridley didn't move it began to eat his foot. Ridley eviscerated it.

-Phazon Mines-

"CHECKMATE!"

Thardus raised an eyebrow. "We're playing Crazy Eights," she said.

"I'm also playing Omega with my tail," Kraid added. "People tell me that I'm an idiot whose mother cries herself to sleep, but I can play two games at once! That's talent right there."

Thardus chuckled as the Omega Pirate hit his face off the wall repeatedly.

"I hate this guy!" he snarled. "Usually he's a complete dick equipped with an IQ of a mushroom, but the second we start playing games he dominates!"

"BLAZ, VALLUKO. METROIDSPICKASO. LECH, KALO!" Mother Brain announced over the speakers.

"Egotistical bitch," the Omega Pirate muttered.

"What the hell did that just say?" Thardus asked.

"'Thanks to myself, we have finally excavated a large portion of the ground and stumbled upon such a large quantity of Phazon that we will be set for a few more years. The Metroids have recently begun to listen to some of our orders and are becoming a valuable asset. Long live the Space Pirates, death to our enemies!' That's pretty much the gist of it," the Omega Pirate translated.

Thardus gaped at him. "All that in a few syllables?!" she screamed.

"Brain is very skilled at making long speeches so short."

Meta-Ridley entered the room. "Well, Samus isn't in the facility anymore. Security cameras found her heading toward Thardus' post, so Thardus should… be… right… here." Ridley sighed, shaking his head. "GET OVER THERE!"

"Alright, hold your horses," Thardus said defensively, curling into that ball of rocks and rolling away.

'Do I have to be with them and give orders for them to do something?' Ridley asked himself. Deciding to move on, Ridley left the room to go and find out the details of Metroid Prime's previous escape. He went to the containment unit where Prime was and saw a half dozen scientists talking and writing on clipboards. Ridley grabbed one to see the details. When he saw it his neck twitched.

"So you believe the superiors are 'stupid as a walnut and are only in charge because they're big', hmm?" Ridley's eyes glowed red.

"I… um… I was talking about Kraid!"

"Walnuts could outsmart Kraid. You couldn't outsmart a pile of shit." Ridley incinerated him. "Now who has a real status report?"

"None of us do, that isn't our job," one said. "We study the containment field opposite Prime." Ridley looked in that one and saw a squirrel eating a berry. "It's so… majestic…"

"Why must we keep such a beautiful creature locked up?"

"Science friend, science."

Ridley's head sparked. To avoid another accident he entered the safe area of Metroid Prime's containment area, where it couldn't reach him. Prime looked over at him.

"Hey, you're the one I hit in the eye!" Metroid Prime pointed out, laughing slightly. Ridley's neck twitched.

-Phendrana Drifts-

Samus entered a large cavern with lumps of rock everywhere. "Why does this place look like a battle arena?" she asked herself.

"BECAUSE IT IS!" Thardus formed from the boulders, roaring. "See me and tremble with fear!"

"Meh, Kraid was more intimidating."

Thardus got very angry at this. Her old mentor's words came to mind. 'Let the hate flow through you.' No, wrong mentor. Where was that quote again? Aha! 'If you ever get pissed, channel your rage into something more productive, like hockey, or murder.' That sounded right.

"Let's play hockey," Thardus hissed.

"Huh?"

"HOCKEY. NOW."

-With Ridley and Prime-

"So how's that show Everybody Loves Kakkmed going?" Metroid Prime asked. "I haven't been able to see it this month."

"The actor for Kakkmed choked on a Gameboy Advance and died last month," Ridley stated dully. "They replaced him with Ray Romano, but he just doesn't have the same feel…"

"Bad move for them," Metroid Prime said. "But not as bad as you leaving my door open, see ya!" Prime ran out the door of his containment. Ridley stared at the exit he had ran out of and sighed. He then smashed his face on a wall.

"I better try to get it back in here…" He walked out of the containment to see that Prime had created its own doorway, and a few more after that. Ridley groaned and flew after Prime through the narrow hallways.

Metroid Prime tore open a door in the Phazon Mines and saw a large vertical hallway. He began to climb up. "Get back here!" Ridley yelled, landing on the ground. Metroid Prime began to piss on him. Ridley flexed his claws and began to climb up after Prime.

After an incredibly long and epic chase, Prime was at the elevator to the Tallon Overworld, pressing the switch to send it up.

"Shit, I'm losing him!" Meta Ridley growled as it began to rise. He then got an idea. "KRAID! PRIME WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND!"

Kraid suddenly appeared on the elevator, embracing Prime like a baby. "We'll be best friends forever! We can have parties, and sleepovers, and eat cake and pizza and apple sauce, and if you're allergic to apple sauce I'll tear your eyes out, and we'll keep in contact over the Internet after high school, and eventually be two old people that have been friends for 60 or more years, and…"

Prime shed his exoskeleton to escape from this horror, flying up the shaft and breaking out the roof. He was heading back to the impact crater.

"Dammit, that didn't work," Ridley muttered.

The Omega Pirate walked over to them. "What the hell just happened? Half the mine is in ruins, there's piss everywhere, and we have seventeen troops calling the suicide hotline out of trauma. Someone better start explaining!"

"The Metroid Prime cleverly escaped from its stasis tank before my arrival. I spotted it fleeing and gave chase, but the narrow corridors benefited it more. I got Kraid to grab it, but it shed off its skin and sort of flew away."

"I have a Halloween costume!" They turned to see Kraid wearing the shell on his upper body. "RAWR! I AM PREMIER METROID, FEAR MY POWER!"

Ridley rested his face in the palm of his hand. "Fucking idiot…"

-Samus-

Samus scored on Thardus again. "Are we done yet?" she asked.

"Bah! It's only period 2, we aren't near done!" Thardus growled. "I still have a chance for a comeback!"

"16 to 0. Sixfuckingteen to nil. There will be no comeback, I have better things to do."

"Then we shall fight!" Thardus curled into a ball and rolled at Samus. She also curled up and boosted to the other side of the room. Thardus lumbered over and Samus walked back to the other side, easily outrunning her. Thardus made rocks hover into the air and launch at Samus. She shot a missile and it blew them all up.

"Alright, you have proven yourself worthy, now I get serious!" Thardus announced. She raised her arms and a fog filled the room. Samus pressed something on the side of her helmet and the thermal visor activated, allowing clear sight. Within minutes Thardus was extremely injured and Samus hadn't lost any energy. Her visor displayed that Thardus had one shot of health left.

"Ready to surrender and tell me where Ridley is?" Samus asked.

"You never asked where Ridley was," Thardus hissed.

"Oh…" Samus responded. "Where's Ridley?!"

"He tends to fly around a lot, but is generally in the Phazon Mines," Thardus explained. "When he does fly it's generally over the Phendrana Drifts or the overworld. Magmoor Caves is one of his favourite spots, tends to-"

"Didn't ask for his life story." Samus shot an inch away from Thardus.

"Phazon Mines."

"Okay." Samus shot Thardus, who immediately collapsed to rubble.

-Air-

Meta Ridley soared through the skies, not really having an objective at the moment. He just wanted some time alone, away from the others. The Omega Pirate suddenly called him up on his radio. "Thardus just died."

"Short lived membership, eh?"

"Yup."