Published July 10, 2009
Chapter Four: Showdown in the Phazon Mines
Samus lowered down the elevator into the mines. She entered the main courtyard and looked around. There were a few random Space Pirates walking to places that didn't concern her and doing random pirate stuff. One was trying to force another off a wooden plank on top of a high tower.
"Okay, this was funny in the break room, but now I'm ready to piss myself," the Space Pirate who was being pushed backwards said.
"Yar, ye be insulting me wife!" the other accused, pushing him backwards with a Space Pirate blade.
"You don't have a wife! That was your mother who you always bitch about and try to poison!"
"Walk the plank! WALK!"
"Um… er… look! Samus Aran!"
"WHAT?!" The piratish pirate looked around and saw Samus. "There be the hunter! ATTACK!" He climbed down and other pirates prepared for battle.
"Wow, Aran is actually here, I was just bullshitting," the pirate admitted as he climbed down from the tower and walked away.
-Inside-
The now free pirate walked into a large room filled with machinery. "Aran's here," he said as he walked through. Everyone instantly began panicking and running around, screaming. Someone jumped out a window to escape, only to land in a pool of Phazon and die. Many then decided this would be a more ideal death and followed.
The pirate entered the room Kraid, the Omega Pirate, and Meta Ridley were in. "Aran's here."
"No shit, Mother Brain told us like ten minutes ago," Ridley said. "She's destroyed six squads, gone through eight rooms and killed an Elite Pirate in that time. How the hell does she already have the plasma and grappling beams already?!"
"Sequence break?"
"Get in uniform."
The pirate put on his Wave Trooper uniform.
"Now go to your position and stall- kill Samus."
"Okay." The pirate went back to the break room.
"I wanna kill the pretty lady!" Kraid declared, jumping up and down.
"Okay," Ridley said. "Go to your area in the mines, Samus will have to go through there to get to here." Kraid cheered in excitement and ran to a lift that would take him to his area.
"No one can even get in there, how will Aran have to go through it?" the Omega Pirate asked.
"She won't, last time Kraid fucked up our operation," Ridley told him. "Now he'll sit in that room the whole time." The Omega Pirate nodded in understanding. "Go to your tank, and wait for Samus. While she's busy down here, I'll be doing some shit above ground, you're keeping her distracted until I'm prepared."
"Can't I just kill her?"
Meta Ridley blinked. "That works too."
-Later-
The Omega Pirate sat in his tank, waiting.
-Later still-
He remained in the same spot, very impatient.
-Breaking point-
The Omega Pirate called a plasma trooper. "Where the fuck is Aran?!" The pirate showed him a computer screen observing Samus in front of a frozen Metroid. It broke out and she froze it again. After a few seconds it broke once more, yet she froze it again.
"Frozen… free, frozen… free, frozen… free, frozen… free, frozen…"
The Omega Pirate screamed incomprehensible gibberish at this. He managed to calm down enough to speak. "You have got to be kidding me… Will ANYTHING amuse her?!"
"It appears so, she's been doing it for the past twenty minutes," the plasma trooper told him.
Indeed Samus had, she was very amused watch the Metroid. Off to the side, two other Metroids were passing a pirate head, taking turns eating the goodness while watching the show. Samus got tired of it and blew the parasite up with a missile, preparing to continue to where the energy signals were coming from.
Samus entered the room to see the Omega Pirate inside its tank, eyes seemingly closed. She scanned it quickly and slowly walked over. The pirate's glowing eyes opened and it burst out of the tank, roaring into the air and stalking slowly toward her. Samus curled into her Morph Ball form and boosted between its legs, dropping a single Power Bomb. The Omega Pirate's armour was all blown off in one explosion.
"Cheap ass!" it roared before calling in some Power Troopers and going invisible. Samus shot each with a Super Missile and turned on her X-Ray visor to find it.
"All's fair in love, war, and hostile invasions!" She shot him with a Super Missile but he got his Phazon armour plates back just after being hit.
"The people who changed that phrase sound like idiots," the Omega Pirate said as it smashed the ground, creating a wave of Phazon to send at her.
"Yeah, they were publicly executed but it was too late," Samus told him as she jumped over the shockwave. "The damage was done." Samus used the plasma beam to try to break his plates off again, but he deflected them with his glowing hand.
"Your puny weapons stand no chance! I can keep this up forever!"
"Try to hurt me with that deflector up," Samus told him. "Seriously, just try." The Omega Pirate stared at her before swinging its leg back and punting Samus into the wall. "Cheap ass!"
"All's fair in love, war, and hostile invasions!"
-Kraid-
"WHERE IS SHE?" he screamed, breaking down a wall and entering the cavern. There were some random Metroid sitting there which he ignored, as well as the plasma troopers that were crushed.
He broke into the Omega Pirate's room to see them fighting. Samus had broken off half his plates by this point. "I WANNA HELP!" Kraid stormed over, much to the horror of the other two, and tried to body slam Samus, actually succeeding. He stood up, revealing Samus' immobile form.
"D-did Kraid actually kill her?!" the Omega Pirate asked himself.
"MUCKSLAVILLISHBLONZI?!"
"I know, like you said: She went through our operations, killed our best people, infiltrated the base, decimated our forces but got crushed by Kraid!"
He picked up Samus by the leg, dangling her. Suddenly, she turned into the ball and dropped a Power Bomb which blew his remaining Phazon plates off. "SON OF A BITCH!"
"Daughter," Kraid corrected.
"WHATEVER! Make yourself useful and stall her while I get my plates back!" He was about to signal some ice troopers but remembered Kraid was there, deciding it would be better for the troops for them to not be there.
"OKAI!" Kraid threw his detachable arms at Samus, who sidestepped them and they punctured the Omega Pirate's back.
"GAH!"
"Ha ha," Samus mocked before looking at Kraid. "You want a Mars bar?" He nodded very quickly. "Hit the Omega Pirate against the wall."
"MARS BAR MARS BAR MARS BAR MARS BAR MARS BAR…" Kraid slammed him against the wall, nearly killing him. "Can I have it now?" She tossed him a Mars bar which was small than Kraid's fingernail. He ate it quickly, savouring the delicious taste.
The Omega Pirate staggered to his feet, plates back, but barely able to see. "Looook, a birrrdieeeee!" He pointed at a rock. He then fell on top of Samus, and soon began to dissolve.
"OH MY GOD I KILLED EVERYONE!" Kraid screamed, running out of the room and stepping on some plasma troopers on his way out.
-Ridley-
Ridley, Jikarvl, Crocomire, and a few beam troopers were all at the artifact temple. "We are here to assess Kraid on the idiotic bullshit he had performed in the past, and find a resolution," Ridley announced. An ice trooper raised his hand. "This isn't the academy, just blurt it out."
"If we're judging Kraid, shouldn't he be here?" he asked.
"That's a very good question," Ridley praised. "The answer is: no. We tried that and he blamed all the problems on his 'evil half-brother Crocomire'."
"I'm not evil, and I'm not his half-brother," Crocomire muttered.
"This time, we will present evidence and ideas while Mother Brain will decide what to do," Ridley explained. "First to speak will be Jikarvl who performed a psych exam on Kraid." Jikarvl stepped forward.
"Kraid possesses the mental capacity of a sparrow's tail feather," he announced. "In the block puzzle he ate the blocks. When solving a crossword he wrote 'potato' in each space, even if it wouldn't fit. I asked him about his childhood for a few minutes. He said his father was a warlord who abandoned him at birth after eating his mother in front of him and draping her peeled skin over the walls of their home. He was raised by his older brother until he accidentally killed himself with a toaster oven. Kraid lived in the wild for thirteen years, feeding off the dead organisms he found lying around before he joined the pirate legions. Then he got retarded at Zebes."
Ridley blinked. "Interesting. Conclusion?"
"He's an idiot! I didn't even need to go through that to tell you."
Ridley nodded before looking at a camera sitting on a tripod. "Getting this Brain?"
"KIKIKRAIDKARU."
Ridley was silent for a moment. "So he located you and is pressing buttons… Send him to get some pie or something!"
"MAJU." There was a brief pause. "GUPAILLA!"
"Good, let's continue," Ridley said as he turned back to the others. "Crocomire did a physical on him, what were the results?"
"I didn't," Crocomire said. "He kept telling me to admit to being his 'evil half-brother Olvar'… He's really strong though, could pick me up without breaking a sweat."
Ridley sighed. 'Perfect, a stupid guy with the strength of a god.' He decided to move on, telling a few people to give some events where Kraid did something bad.
"…He then ducked me in pudding and licked me like a Popsicle. After that he…"
"…My children were devoured before my eyes. Kraid said they were tasty chicken…"
"…The government took ma baby…"
"…The sun's too bright, can you dim it a little?..."
"…sixty-four bottles of beer on the wall, sixty-four bottles of beer. Take one down…"
"…Ihavethreedollars, threedollarsanyoneforfivedollarscomeonthreedollarsnoonewanttotopthat? GoingoncegoingtwiceSOLDforthreedollars!"
"…Are you my mommy?"
"…I escaped through his asshole, being eaten is hell…"
Ridley nodded slowly upon hearing all of their cases. "I can honestly say that hearing all that was the most disturbing twenty minutes of my life. I think it's time for the conclusion, Mother Brain?"
"GUFLA, GIOPPANAKUVON. KILLABABBARANVUDOMAKAMAKA, DONFRANOSBA. DUKEONKLEDJIBIZAZAYTPOLA. WONNABASKA, HAPPALANBERDON? KA. HEEVEEJUBJAKOMESSYMONABUNDABAFUNKOPER. KRAIDKABLAH."
Ridley nodded. "Alright, guess that's over with."
"What did it just say?" a plasma trooper questioned.
"To sum things up: Mother Brain doesn't give a damn about what we said and wants Kraid to be launched into space because he stole its grilled cheese sandwich. It stopped listening after the psych exam part."