Published August 9, 2009

Chapter Six: The Ultimate Weapon

Meta Ridley trudged into the Phazon Mines expecting a large welcoming committee which would be expected for a being of his greatness... only to see all the pirates packing up their machines, loading them into large transport vehicles. "We moving?"

"Nooooo, we're just packing up all our equipment for shits and giggles," a passing plasma trooper said. Ridley ignored him and went to the master control room where Mother Brain and Crocomire were located. The two had been discussing their opinion on the current nuclear war going on between Hershey and Cadbury when he arrived.

"I see that you sur- why are you covered in Metroids?"

"They are my new friends," Ridley explained, petting one of the creatures which strangely purred. "So why are we leaving?"

"KIMAHHAGA, LIKILOBUZZJACKUHI. SHAMGALLHAVENLOBOZOASORDDARU," Mother Brain said.

Ridley nodded in understanding. "Reasonable, so where are we going to?"

"We supposed to locate more Phazon, HQ wants more," Crocomire said. Ridley nodded. "Unfortunate, Kraid coming too."

"WHAT? WHY?"

"He only one who knows how to operate radiation tracker, and that lets us find Phazon," the thing explained.

Ridley rolled his eyes. "Whatever, I'm going to help put things away so we can leave faster."

-Outside-

"FASTER YOU FLAMING DOUCHEBAGS OR I'LL TEAR OPEN YOUR RECTAL CAVITY AND STICK MY SHARP TAIL UP!" Ridley roared to the workers. They all panicked and began to try to do things faster, but instead destroying multiple valuable pieces of equipment or running into Phazon deposits in panic.

A passing trooper lightly bumped into another, barely disrupting what they were doing at the time. "DON'T GET ME KILLED!" He punched the pirate in the jaw, causing him to crash into another pirate. This pirate got pissed and took out his energy scythe as he attacked another pirate. Soon they all began to kill each other to avoid getting killed. The cybernetic dragon watching over them sighed and shook his head.

"Oh Kraid, all these people want you to hug them into submission."

"I heard ma name!" Kraid stormed over and all the pirates instantly stopped fighting. They immediately resumed putting away equipment. One even had an energy scythe through his gut and yet began to transport a drill.

"No you didn't, go away."

"Sure Ridley, see you later!"

Ridley returned to the main control room once his job was done there. "They have finally finished packing, are you ready to transport?"

"GIGALLAND." Ridley ejected the card holding Mother Brain and put it in a storage container in his suit. With that, Ridley and Crocomire exited and boarded a ship with Kraid and some other troops.

"Hello Olvar," Kraid growled to Crocomire. The thing rolled all of its eyes and moved passed him. Ridley, amused by this, watched as Kraid glared. "That half-brother of mine is up to no good. We should eviscerate him!"

"None of us know how to kill him stupid," Ridley pointed out.

"BEVUDA-"

"Don't tell him!"

Jikarvl radioed in from his current location. He was in a frigate orbiting the planet. "We just got a transmission about something called the 'ultimate weapon', and how it's in the Tetra System," he reported. "Does anyone know where that is?"

"About forty-two parsecs northeast," Crocomire explained. "Nice place, I was born on Alinos from a giant fire monster. Good for tanning, bad for living."

"Send some scouts to go check the area out and see if there's anything of interest," Ridley ordered. "This ultimate weapon sounds rather sexy."

-Far away-

The pirate squad consisting of Jikarvl, Weavel, Botta, and Vontrulae arrived in the system. Immediately, Botta and Vontrulae were killed by a plot device impacting with their ship. The two fell into the reactor core and were incinerated instantly, leaving only the main characters.

"Well that was random," Jikarvl stated. He shrugged and continued with the mission. "Crocomire suggested going to Alinos first, so you head down there and I'll stay up here." Weavel nodded and jumped out of their ship, swimming through space to his destination. "Why is he even here?"

Meanwhile, Ridley returned to their home world in order to transport Mother Brain to a larger and better supercomputer. The acid rain didn't bug him, so… wait, yes it did. He immediately flew to the high command, a group of space pirate leaders that he was a part of.

"Welcome back Ridley," said a pirate commander. "I suppose your mission was successful?"

"It went terribly actually, I was nearly killed three times and fell off a massive cliff into a bunch of radioactive orange stuff. Also, Kraid killed many of our forces. We lost Thardus and the Omega Pirate. Our operations were destroyed."

"Oh… Well better luck next time." Ridley kicked him.

Once inside the facility, Ridley traveled to the main control centre and inserted Mother Brain into the hard drive. "SE, LINDAFVODUMMEE," Mother Brain said, relaxed now. "GLINDOGALDEAME?"

"Yes, a trip without any major complications. It went much better than my previous trip to this place…"

-Two weeks ago-

"All systems online," a pirate reported to Ridley. The space dragon was perched on his stand in the ship's main control room.

"Good. There are no complications, nothing I should be aware of?"

"None sir, everything is working exactly how it should be. Well, aside from… Andross says that we're in his space and is ordering us to leave."

Ridley glanced out a window. "What? You can't own empty space, and there's nothing here to begin with! Who would be interesting in this spot in any way?"

"Sir, we're under attack."

"Perfect. Return fire, obliterate them all!" Ridley grinned in anticipation of the bloodshed to come.

"Our cannons were blown off from out last encounter with Aran. The crewmen are also drunk. Hell, I think that I'm drunk and that nothing is actually happening. We could be on a collision course with SR388 for all I know."

His grin had faded a while ago. "We suck, don't we?"

"Oh yeah. For all we know, I'm actually Gandrayda here to kill you."

"Do we know anything for sure?!"

"Nope. You might want to replace me with someone better at my job, as long as everyone else isn't dead."

-Present time on the Pirate Homeworld-

"I'm still not sure what went wrong, but something about this place is just cursed," Ridley muttered. "Whatever, I've done my job by delivering you here. I believe that your second body is nearly finished in the development stages, so you will not be in this computer for long."

"Actually it just exploded, we're back to the start," a passing pirate piped in. "Too much potassium in the kneecaps."

"I hate this place," Ridley snarled. "Tell the others that I will be going to Bilium Beta for a bit."

Bilium Beta was the second moon around the planet Bilium, a planet sharing a system with Tallon IV and Zebes. The atmosphere was toxic, a sentient toxin actually, so they were limited to the moons or they would get their asses kicked by the air itself. Beta was a secret storage moon, although there had been some GF space crafts getting close lately.

Ridley arrived within a day, flying through space faster than what should be possible but is possible for plot convenience. He nearly hit a lawnmower that was strangely orbiting Twin Tabula, but that was old news.

New news was how the moon was under heavy attack from Galactic Federation troops and that bounty hunter that likes to fly around on ice. "Well this is just awesome."

He flew to the surface and picked up two troops by the head, one a GF soldier and the other a pirate soldier. "We can all work this out through peaceful methods, now hug!" He forced them together, and the pirate stabbed its energy scythe through the man's throat. "I have trained you well, grasshopper."

Rundas saw this and decided that he never wanted to hug a space pirate.

-Alinos-

Weavel touched down on the surface, having fallen from space to his current position. Off to the side was an orange gunship, one that looked familiar… He snapped his fingers in memory. It belonged to Captain Falcon, of course! How could he forget?

The cybernetic space pirate walked through a doorway and saw Samus Aran running toward him. "MOVE! IN FORTY THREE SECONDS THIS PLACE IS GOING TO…" She paused for a moment. "Wait, what is going to happen once this countdown runs out?"

Weavel had no idea what was happening, but knew that something would happen in forty three seconds. Samus ran passed him and jumped into Captain Falcon's gunship, flying off toward the planet. This pissed him off, no one steals from Captain Falcon and gets away with it! The chase had begun.

Jikarvl was busy playing Pokémon Platinum but soon received a distress message from Weavel down on the surface. "He can wait another twenty six seconds," he muttered, continuing his fight. He got a few more distress messages over the next few seconds, and then eventually a fuck you message. Jikarvl ignored it.

Outside the previously mentioned plot device, also known as Trace's ship, was following Samus' ship to find out where the next Octolith was. He eventually lost her and was about to turn around when he noticed that he was already landed on Arcterra. "When did- I don't care."

On another part of the same planet, Noxus was scouting the area. "There are many strange creatures on this planet," he announced to himself, poking a random beetle with his toe. It snapped its tonsils at him and scurried through a hole. "Aggressive creatures. Hey, what is that?"

He walked into a courtyard and saw another being there, this one red and about his size. "Hello! I come in peace!" Noxus yelled.

Trace glanced at him. "I'm not from this planet, nor do I even remotely seem to be affiliated with the atmosphere."

"You speak English? I speak English! Me friend!"

Trace sighed. "You are a dick."

"I AM NOT A DICK!" Noxus armed his gun. "I AM A MAN!" He punched Trace in the head with his gun. Trace staggered from the blow, but recovered quickly.

"So am I, and one from a superior race!"

"Well I have a distinguishable male reproductive organ, unlike YOU!" Trace glanced at Noxus' crotch.

"Are you wearing any armour?"

"No, why?"

Trace morphed into his Triskeleton and lunged, grabbing Noxus' chest and attempting to claw at his head. "I WILL NOT DIE FROM A STUPID BEETLE!" Noxus threw Trace into a wall and froze him solid with a charged ice wave.

Noxus strutted over to the captured Trace. "Foolish thing, I am superior!"

The ice cracked and Trace managed to break out. "This ice is as weak as a barber's uncle!" He then became invisible, confusing Noxus.

"Invisibility? Okay, remember what Master Frento said… 'Humpty Dumpty once said that those who possess the great carrot will know. Find the great carrot and you will know where your foes are'…" Noxus took the great carrot out of a pocket. "And now I KNOW!" He shot to his left and barely missed Trace.

"What the hell? How did you-"

"The GREAT CARROT KNOWS ALL!" Noxus rose the carrot to the heavens, lightning striking in the background. The star was covered by clouds, resulting in darkness. This all ended when Trace sniped his carrot, giving him the advantage again.

This was what Samus Aran walked in on. The two were shooting across the courtyard at one another. Noxus seemed generally pissed while Trace was enjoying the battle. She wanted in on this, and fired a missile at Noxus.

"Sucker!" Trace yelled from his side of the arena. A seeker missile curved through the air and knocked him off of his ledge.

Noxus tried to freeze Samus solid but she morphed into her ball form and rolled through his legs, uncurling and elbowing the back of his head. She then pivoted Trace's shot and fired a single power beam. It went directly down the barrel of his gun, stalling it for a while.

"I am awesome, you can't deny it."

Trace morphed into his Triskeleton form and became invisible, hoping to make it seem like he had disappeared. Samus however fired a shot from the Battlehammer which fell right on the Kriken's head, knocking him unconscious. Noxus became his Vhoscythe in an attempt to slice Samus' kneecaps off but was greeted by her landing on top of the weapon and firing three missiles point blank. She flipped off and blasted Noxus into a wall using a fully charged seeker missile. He too was out cold.

"Rookies."

Weavel later arrived on this planet to see both of them unconscious with their hands on the other's ass. He kicked both in the head and they awoke, saw their situation and jumped away from the other.

"I'll never be clean!" Trace screeched.

"I'm okay at least, you don't even seem to have an ass. I mean, you're like this twig thing, I don't even see a neck!"

Trace felt around his collarbone. "Holy shit I have no neck!"