Published August 31, 2009

Identity Crisis

"'Clean up the mess Vuu', 'Gather the Phazon Vuu', 'Suck my feces Vuu', it's like I'm a slave or something!"

The Space Pirate Vuu was currently one of the few remaining pirates on Tallon IV. He was in the Impact Crater putting some of the orange Phazon in crates to ship off to the headquarters. This mysterious Phazon was an unknown in their book, and they hated unknowns. As such, it had to be studied further.

"What's this, some kind of battle ground? What's that thing in the Phazon? Oh, it's just an Oompa loompa, never mind."

Said Oompa Loompa was Ralph, a character who is unrelated to the story and will never appear again. He is dead. He was standing in a pool of Phazon after all, no other results to expect.

After about an hour Vuu came to a large chamber, and in the middle was a dark figure. It appeared to be in some kind of Power Suit like Samus, but- Oh who am I kidding, we all know it's Dark Samus.

"This form needs constant sustenance, I will be busy merely trying to surv-"

"Move your foot, I need to clean there."

"Sorry. It looks like there isn't much Phazon left here, I better- What are you doing in my cave?!"

"Collecting Phazon and putting it in those barrels," Vuu said, not really caring about the embodiment of Phazon standing next to him. "I think I got all the orange Phazon, so we can-"

"The orange Phazon? That will keep me satisfied for a long time!" Dark Samus threw Vuu to the side and floated over to the containers.

"No!" Dark Samus turned to looks at him, a murderous gleam in its eyes. "On second thought it doesn't matter. It's not like that's the only orange Phazon that we'll ever find, right? He he he he…" Dark Samus absorbed the Phazon and warped out of the chamber, intent on leaving this planet.

As the being left, it knew that seeking out other sources of Phazon was a requirement to survive. These Space Pirates were very good at finding the toxin as shown by their records. Four other planets had been found already after all.

Did I mention that Dark Samus hacked into their computers? No? Well I did now.

The closest planet was Aether, which was exactly 9.6741407 parsecs away. This may take some time…

-Arcterra-

"Fucking random countdowns!" Samus screamed as she sprinted toward her ship. She didn't know what would happen if this timer ran out, and wasn't planning to know.

In the courtyard that Noxus was fought in, Trace prepared his shot. His crosshairs was on her forehead, no problem. He fired.

"BITCH!" Samus snapped, two energy tanks draining. Whatever, she had more.

He hadn't quite predicted this. "S-sorry," Trace stuttered, throwing his dignity to the hungry rabid dogs coming from the sewers to feast on the decapitated corpses left by a serial sniper after last Tuesday's premier of the Borne Ultimatum on Vho.

Samus wasn't going to forgive this easily. "I got time, your ass in mine!" She grabbed Trace by the head and smashed him against the wall, delivering a knee to his abdomen.

"I believe that we determined that I have no ass." Trace became his Triskeleton to escape and scurried off to the other side of the courtyard.

"Where'd he go?" Several minutes passed throughout her search, eventually Samus resorted to just firing homing missiles all over the place. Trace morphed into his normal form and took a shot, firing his Imperialist at Samus. She ducked under the red laser and unleashed a volley of power beam beams, knocking Trace back.

"This isn't over!" he hissed as he fled.

"The fact that you're fleeing says otherwise."

"Go die!"

-Aether-

Meta Ridley was only half listening to Mother Brain as it talked to him over the phone from their homeworld… which wasn't actually either of their homeworlds. "Yup, Kraid's stupid…" he mumbled.

"RIDLEYVA CONKUVAN GALVE PALLUVOOSTUVAE…"

A random space pirate entered. "Sir, there was a discovery!" he exclaimed.

"What is it this time? Did you finally find a sedative which works on Kraid but doesn't sterilize everyone in the area?"

"That only happened twice yesterday, must you keep bringing it up? We found a dimensional portal on this planet that leads to another dimension!" the pirate exclaimed. "I'd like to take credit for this discovery."

"Screw you, this is my discovery now. Take me to it!"

"The air in the dimension kind of kills us, so I don't think it would be a good idea to go in it right now."

"I meant the portal!" Ridley snapped. "Am I the only one with a brain around here?"

"KINGDUVOI!" Mother Brain suddenly said.

"You shut up."

-In the Tetra System-

"Like I said earlier, this was far from over!" Trace exclaimed as he pointed his gun at Samus' head. "Victory goes to the strongest, and I'm stronger!"

Samus tilted her head in confusion. "But I've already beaten you," she said. Trace realized that he was on the ground covered in his own blood.

"But when- I don't care. The important thing is that now you will die!" He stood up, but was immediately punched out of the way by Noxus. "Where did you come from?!"

"I AM NOT SURE!" Noxus screamed. "BUT I AM HERE!" He struck a pose, staying that way for at least a minute.

Samus nodded. "Good for you." She refocused on Trace. "Out of all the rival bounty hunters I've met so far, you seem the most normal. Weavel never talks, Noxus yells a lot and is strangely naked, Sylux talks in third person, Kanden is always humming this really offbeat tune, and when I met Spire the first thing he said to me was 'I shit out of my ears'. You're just oblivious."

"I am not oblivious!" Trace snapped.

"Nor is he a man," Noxus added. "I don't see any genitals from here!"

"That is because I'm wearing armour you nudist! In most cultures, sentients wear CLOTHING! It protects them," Trace snapped. "I could honestly just shoot off your testicles from right here, but I won't because that would be too cruel."

"I will!" Noxus shot Trace in the crotch with his Judicator. Trace froze for a moment and fell to the ground.

"So… cold…"

At this point, Samus had obtained the Octolith and left the planet by now. "And that is all of them!" she proclaimed. "Now I have to learn what they are for."

Trace staggered to his feet. "You asshole, you distracted me and now she has all the Octoliths!" he snapped.

"Don't go into the oven if you can't take the heat," Noxus said casually.

"THAT DOESN'T… WHY… I… GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Trace continued screaming until he suddenly stopped, glaring at Noxus with intense hatred. "You… need to die. I… am going to kill you. I… HATE… you. I DESPISE you. And I will end you." Trace twitched. "I am going to lock myself in a room, and scream myself into unconsciousness. When I am done, you had better be gone and understand to never cross paths with me ever again. Is that understood?"

"Dude, calm down."

"CALM DOWN?! CALM DOWN?! I will show you calm! And then I will murder you!"

Sylux watched the ensuing attack from a cliff above. "It is Sylux's belief that Trace has finally snapped. This will amuse Sylux a large amount."

All of the other bounty hunters eventually saw Oubliette appear between all of the planets in the solar system. "What's that?" Jikarvl wondered aloud, being right beside it as it appeared. "Hey Weavel, what's that?" Weavel shrugged.

-Inside Oubliette-

Gorea sensed multiple life forms converging on its chamber. "Finally, it's been too long since anyone has come in here." It watched as all the other bounty hunters approached the cocoon it made for no reason whatsoever.

Trace glared at Noxus. "This will be the only time we cooperate, you hear me?"

"Easily, we're right next to each other. It would be hard not to hear you," Noxus responded.

"You die!" Trace lunged at Noxus but was stopped by Kanden.

"It would not be wise to attack allies while in hostile territory," he said.

"Screw wiseness, I want this guy dead!"

Spire leaned over to Weavel during this dispute. "I also breed with my feet," he told the cybernetic space pirate, very proud of himself. Weavel obviously ignored this incredibly random comment.

"Sylux has had enough!" Sylux screamed. "Sylux thinks you should all attack this thing at once so you can get what is inside! And then Sylux will slit all of your throats while you aren't looking. Oops, Sylux did not want that known. Ignore it!"

"Moving on, let's blast this thing open," Kanden suggested. All of the bounty hunters agreed and decided to get this over with. They began unloading all their ammo on the giant form in the middle of the room. This is what Samus Aran arrived to. It immediately broke open.

Tentacles came out of the smoke and impaled into each hunter's chest. They were all hoisted into the area as the strange appendages began to pulsate, draining their energy and abilities from each of their bodies and giving it to the life form inside. Once it had finished they were cast to the side. "I AM GOOOOREA!" Gorea screamed as it came from the smoke.

"No you aren't, I'm Gorea!" Samus told it.

"But you can't be Gorea if I'm Gorea!"

"Which means you aren't Gorea," Samus concluded. "If I am Gorea, which I am, you are not able to be Gorea as there can only be one Gorea."

"But I thought I was Gorea!" Gorea said, desperate to be known as Gorea.

"You just thought that you were Gorea due to the lack of me around you, but in reality you are not Gorea because I am Gorea."

"I'M CONFUSED!" It had dropped its guard which resulted in Samus firing her Imperialist clone at its shoulders. Both limbs were blown off by the red laser.

"None compare to the original," Trace groaned from his barely conscious state.

"That's what she said," Noxus muttered, rolling over and curling slightly. Trace didn't even react to this. He was currently only capable of breathing and stomping grapes in his current status.

"I will eat your flesh to confirm that I am the one and only Gorea!" Gorea yelled as the Seal Sphere exited its body. This allowed an energy tendril to emerge and slowly move toward Samus. She grabbed it, yanked Gorea closer, and began to punch and kick the god-like monster into submission.

While this one sided battle was taking place, Jikarvl was sitting in the space pirate ship and growing rather impatient. "That antisocial S.O.B. is taking too long." He turned on an instant messenger program.

Jikky says: what is taking so long??????

After a moment…

Weavel says: There is a problem. The ultimate weapon was a parasitic life form that nearly killed us all and is now being fought by Aran.

Jikky says: yippee, I don't care. are you done?

Weavel: …Yes, but-

Jikarvl somehow interrupted the message.

Jikky: then I'm getting you out of there so we can leave already!

With a single button he warped the injured Weavel back into their ship. "With that, we're gone."

Back in the battleground the other bounty hunters noticed Weavel's sudden disappearance. "I thought he said he had no back up!" Trace hissed. He was currently the only one who had managed to stand up.

"That was Sylux, Weavel didn't say anything," Sylux corrected. "No one knew he was even in on the group scheme until he started following us."

"Yet somehow I figured out he is a renowned mini golf champion," Kanden said. "You learn something new every day, eh?"

"Everyone except me needs to shut up," Trace snapped. The other five ceased their bickering, staring at him. When Trace did nothing, Noxus spoke.

"Aren't you going to say anything?"

"No, I just want everyone to shut up. Also, die alone. Your mother hates you."

Samus gave the twitching heap that was Gorea one last kick. She had blown it to pieces with the awesome weapon that was the Imperialist, and then broke the Seal Sphere open with physical attacks. She then ate the glowing blue goop that was inside. "Do you think that she should see someone about that?" Kanden asked no one in particular.

"Nah," Trace answered. "Now let's go before we're eaten next."

Before they could move, six multi-coloured disks on the wall all rotated and pointed themselves at Gorea. The disks fired beams of energy at Gorea and when they ceased neither the monster or Samus were there.

"Problem solved?" Kanden wasn't sure whether this was a good thing or not. Not only was there no exit for the room, but… okay, that's the only problem. The point remains that there's no exit.

"Sylux sees something through that electric floor!" Sylux pointed at the ring of electricity surrounding the part Gorea used to be on.

"Then break through it!" Trace told him. "You're the electric guy here."

"Sylux shall!" Sylux punched the floor and was electrocuted. "Sylux is out of ideas."

"You're hopeless." Trace tore off Sylux's arm and used the shock coil to absorb the floor's electricity.

"You bastard! You tore off my arm!" Sylux screamed.

"Don't you mean he tore off 'Sylux's arm'?" Kanden asked.

"This is not the time!" Once he had finished Trace put Sylux's arm back in his shoulder, clicked it into place, and hopped down into the hole. "Sylux is confused."

Spire turned to Kanden and opened his mouth. "I don't want to know what each part of you does!" Kanden snapped.

"I was going to say that we should follow," Spire said. Kanden shrugged and hopped in the hole. "Also, I eat with my neck."

The five remaining bounty hunters found themselves in another hallway that branched off into two paths. "Sylux and Kanden shall go left, the others shall go right," Sylux announced.

"I don't think that Spire should be the only thing keeping Trace from murdering Noxus," Kanden muttered.

-Deeper in Oubliette-

Gorea exploded upon taking the next hit from the Omega Cannon, leaving Samus very disappointed. The fight had been over in less than a minute for crying out loud! However, the area soon began to explode. "Dammit! Why does everything I kill explode?!"

-Back with the others-

"Since the last three splits have converged again after about eight seconds of walking, I don't think we'll need to split up anymore," Kanden said.

Samus suddenly ran passed them. "Why does the area have to explode too?!" she screamed as explosions began to burst from all directions. The six hunters all ran in the same direction which ended up being a dead end.

"I have an idea!" Trace exclaimed. He picked up Noxus and threw him through the wall, allowing them to continue.

This was done for every wall they reached until they made it to their ships. Seven ships escaped the exploding Oubliette, confusing Trace. "Who's the seventh?" he asked Kanden over the radio.

"That's Chuck," Kanden answered.

"Who's Chuck?"

"I dunno."

-Aether-

Dark Samus touched down on the planet's surface, arriving right beside the space pirate base. It had taken over a week but the faster than light trip was finally complete. And there was Phazon there! Things just kept getting better.

A space pirate squad walked in on Dark Samus absorbing the Phazon. "Sir," he said into his radio, "Samus Aran is here."

"That's not Aran," a second pirate said to the first.

"What do you mean, of course it is! There's the suit, and big shoulders, and a gun!"

"We have suits, big shoulders, and a gun, that isn't very descriptive. Also, it's black, floating, and absorbing our Phazon. Aran is orange, grounded, and not absorbing our Phazon."

"You're demoted."

"I'm your superior."

"You were just demoted, so not anymore."