Published November 12, 2010

Fed up with this World

"I want a damage report," Ridley snarled as he walked into the base.

The operator approached him with a sheet of paper in his hand. "Yes sir. We've lost fifteen hundred men, eleven hundred women, six Metroids, fourteen rooms have collapsed, our portal is damaged, the system mainframe was broken when the two hunters fought, the bathrooms exploded due to circumstances completely unrelated to the Metroids or the hunters, our dark beam technology was stolen, the containment cells are beyond repair and almost all of our Phazon has been absorbed. On the plus side, we've established a connection with the homeworld and have ordered a new water cooler! Isn't that great?"

"I think we're just about done here."

-In Sanctuary Fortress-

"Where's the exit?" Crocomire asked the larger lizard. "I didn't really watch where I was going on the way in."

Kraid glared down at the lizard. "Well Olvar, I could get me out of here in a spiffy minute!"

Crocomire blinked all of his eyes. "...What?"

"CHARGE!" Kraid ran at the wall, his body weight letting him tear through the metal wall. Kraid continued through the next one and then simply dropped from Crocomire's sight.

"Kraid? You still there?" Crocomire crawled to the opening, finding that it went outside. Unfortunately for him, it was about ten floors too high. Kraid was on the ground below, looking up at the hole. "Are you okay?" Kraid jumped in shock, looking around him frantically. "Up here!" Crocomire stuck an arm out and waved it around.

"HI OLVAR," Kraid yelled. "I fell on my head and it hurts a lot."

Crocomire pulled himself over the edge and dropped, landing next to the lizard. "It's good enough."

Back in the fortress, Samus saw the trail of destruction left by Kraid. "What the..."

With that, the two began their journey back to the Agon Wastes. It was long and filled with many hardships, namely Kraid having to carry Crocomire since he moved so slowly. Two hours later, they were in the Torvus Bog. "I don't think the base is in here," Crocomire said as they emerged in the underground complex below the bog.

"There's a lifty thing nearby that goes right to it," Kraid proudly explained. He was very happy about knowing this. "We just gotta go up a bit."

The two extremely heavy giants somehow swam to the top, using an elevator to reach the above ground bog. "You know, I think I'm beginning to understand you Olvar," Kraid randomly said. "We're not so different after all!"

"O...kay?"

They reached the top and Kraid let out a high pitched scream at the sight before him. Both Crocomire and Chykka, the source of the scream, flinched in pain. "It's a bug! Squish it! Squish it!"

He made eye contact with the bug and his screams stopped. In that instant, Kraid bonded with the bug. "He's so adorable!" He grabbed it from the air and began to huge the panicking wasp. "He's so soft and furry and squishy and I'm going to call him Phillip! We'll be best friend and then I'll have two best friends! Once Ridley meets you he'll love you Phillip. He's a great guy. We're great friends who play Chinese Checkers all the time. One time I asked him why it was called Chinese Checkers and he hit me so I think he might have been scarred in the past by Chinese Checkers. We should investigate! Let's go, Phillip!"

Chykka made a clicking nosie just before Kraid ran to find the elevator leading to the Agon Wastes, pulling it along. Crocomire hesitantly followed, glad that Kraid wasn't bonding with him anymore.

-In the Space Pirate base-

"FIKINO WA WA," Mother Brain said over the radio.

Ridley rolled his eyes. "I know, I know. Don't you think that I'd know that after this long?"

"WAKKA KRAID EN MOVCLENEO LINNOVA GA. EVAP!"

"Hey, hold up a bit. Let's not say things we can't take back."

A frantic pirate ran into the room, terror covering his face. "Either you tell me a good reason for violating conference protocol or-"

"Kraid's back and he brought a giant bug monster that he named Phillip!"

Ridley turned back to the monitor. "We'll finish this later." Without waiting for a reply he ended the call and stalked past the pirate trooper, wondering what horrors awaited him.

He could already hear Kraid and he wasn't there yet. "Hey! Bad Phillip! Put the squishy man down or no dinner for you!"

Ridley entered the mainframe storage centre, fully expecting pandemonium. Instead, he was greeted by the sight of Kraid scratching the chin of a hideous moth that seemed to be purring. "What in the name of my grandmother's dog is that thing and why is it here?"

"This is Phillip and he's my new friend," Kraid responded. Chykka licked Kraid's face. It was very disturbing.

Ridley's neck violently twitched. "You can't just bring random monsters into the base! It completely violates all of the safety protocols that we've developed over the years, many in the last few months being made specifically to deal with you. Any foreign presence must be contained upon entry and then taken to the cleaning bay, not brought to vitally important electronics!"

"But he's so cute and fluffy. You should pet him Ridley. You've been under a lot of stress and I think I can help get rid of it."

"You..." With that, Ridley's mind snapped like a glowstick. "I WILL FUCKING END YYyyyyyyyyffffffff..." Ridley's head caught fire and some other mechanical parts began to spark. A few pirates sprayed him with fire extinguishers. He snapped out of the rage overload, screaming, and flew up through the ceiling. His shrieking silhouette could be seen flying away, firing off his kinetic breath at random.

"It feels so great to see Ridley back and active," Kraid said, looking at the sight with a content smile. "I love you guys!" He pulled Chykka and Crocomire into a very enthusiastic hug. Crocomire gave Kraid a nervous pat on the back. "You smell nice, Olvar."

"WHY?" A distraught cry came from above. "WHY AM I FOREVER CONDEMNED TO SUFFER THESE BLITHERING IDIOTS? WHAT IRREPARABLE ATROCITY DOOMED ME TO THE DEEPEST, MOST MADDENING LEVEL OF HELL?"

-In the Sky Temple-

Emperor Roger dismissed the assembled Ing, knowing that he was the guardian of Dark Aether's last hope. "So... This is what we have been driven... at. No, no, that makes no sense." He went into thought, trying to phrase his big soliloquy without using his hated words. "It looks as though we have been driven into a corner. On... the first hand, I could simply fight this intruder and hope that everything will work out as I hope. On the other hand, I could barricade the door and hope that the human gives up."

"Too late."

Samus, now in her kickass Light Suit, opened fire on Emperor Roger with her light beam. The behemoth faced her, spewing two dozen tentacles from his mouth and thrashing them around the room. She stopped firing, her shots doing no damage, and jumped into the air, curling into a ball. She tore through several tentacles with the Screw Attack before landing on the other side of the arena.

"So, we meet at last," the Emperor taunted, pulling back in his damaged arms. "You're quite a well armed human. It isn't a surprise that-"

Samus hit him with the Sunburst, obliterating all of the tentacles. "You gotta admit that you brought that upon yourself," she commented. "What were you trying to do, talk me to death?"

Emperor Roger began to shake in rage. "I... HATE THAT WORD! THIS WHOLE LANGUAGE IS STUPID!" He turned his face downwards and ate his body, forming a hard shell with the head.

Samus stood awkwardly to the side, staring at the crust with confusion. "Um... I guess we'll fight later...?"

-Sky Temple Grounds-

This was it! There was so much Phazon. There was practically a whole lake! This was more than enough... no, it wasn't enough. Was this all? Why wasn't there any more? It needed more! There wasn't enough here. Where was more? Why wasn't there any more?

-Space Pirate Base-

Ridley eventually calmed down enough to return to the base. "I'm sick of this planet," he growled, eying the barren wasteland through a window. "Mining productivity has drastically lowered and there is almost no raw ore remaining. I suggest that a cleanup team stays to scour for any deposits that we may have missed while we take the remaining forces back to the homeworld. We can then search for planets with richer sources of Phazon and go there instead of staying on this memory inducing hellhole."

"I'ma with Ridley!" Kraid announced, springing to his feet. "But I don't think Phillip wants to go."

Chykka hissed, making several clicking noises.

"Oh, I was wrong. He'd like to see places he hasn't seen before, like new places and everywhere like those."

"It doesn't matter to me," Crocomire said. "I'm due off of this planet tomorrow anyway."

"I completely agree," Swatllum said.

Ridley jerked his head toward the captain. "Where have you been this whole time?"

"I was tired."

He decided to ignore that part and just chalk it up to their insane management system. If Kraid could be considered a general then it was beyond help. He activated an intercom and announced his plans to depart the planet within the week. Only the cleanup team and three combat squads were to stay, and even then that would only be for as long as they saw fit. Knowing pirates that would either be right away to get out of there or in three months so they could laze around without worry. Cleanup crew was an ideal job for Space Pirates.

"Oy, Membrane, you still there?"

"YU YAY MANADAD. SABTARD."

"Someone's having a bad day. We're going to be back at base in ten days. That includes Kraid."

"MISA MAKAHI NILKWANNA OVAP PU. RENOI VAVAL, KAIVO?"

"I don't think you know just how hard it is to actually hit an asteroid while flying. It's like accidentally hitting a moon; very hard to make it look like an accident. I'm not even taking into account the fact that I don't know shit about flying ships and wouldn't be able to pull this off."

"HIN. STANBASADA BA."

"I planned to. Ridley out."

-Inside the Sky Temple-

Emperor Roger staggered back as a Super Missile exploded in his face. Samus followed the shot with a fully charged light beam further damaging the Ing.

Roger shook off the pain and charged at Samus head first, intent on crushing her into the wall. Samus curled into her Morph Ball and rolled underneath him giving Roger barely enough time to stop his charge. "How long have you been capable of that?"

"In theory, I'm just curling up." She rolled past him, dropping a Power Bomb as she did so.

The powerful explosion blew Emperor Roger off of the ground, throwing him onto his side. Samus used this moment to pump more rounds of light ammo into his face.

Emperor Roger struggled to stand but fell back down under the constant pressure of the light energy. "What's the matter?" Samus taunted, firing a charged up shot. "Having problems getting up?"

"Nrg," he grunted.

Samus fired again and again and again and then she ran out of ammo. "Shit."

Luckily, Emperor Roger was barely able to stand up at this point. "Heh, did you really think that the most powerful Ing would fall under such a barrage?"

"Your legs are shaking."

He looked down. "No they aren't." By the time his gaze shifted upwards Samus was already right in front of him, his gun charged. "When did you get-" A Darkburst exploded in his face, finally defeating the monster.

Emperor Ing fell to the ground, his body slowly dissolving into a black mist. Soon he was gone, leaving only to last energy controller. "With that, I win." She leisurely approached the glowing orb and, after activating the transfer module, jabbed her gun into it. The energy controller was absorbed, taking the last of Dark Aether's light. "And now for a triumphant strut."

Without warning, the ground began to shake. "Planetary condition critical. Evacuate immediately" appeared on her HUD in large red letters.

"Okay, never mind that." She took off in a run.

Leaving the temple did not very long. Samus was certain that she could make it back to the portal if she kept up the current pace; the planetary collapse wasn't progressing very quickly. It was only a three minute run back to her entrance point.

Just as that thought finished a wall of Phazon grew in front of her, blocking off the gateway. It was then that she noticed that there was much more Phazon in the area than before.

Breathing could be heard behind her. Samus turned and saw a twisted monster that seemed to resemble a mixture between Metroid Prime and her own suit. "Wait a minute..."

As usual, Dark Samus had no interest in talking. It merely raised its gun and attacked.

-The Space Pirate Base-

"Sir, one of our sensors is reading large energy fluctuations from Dark Aether," a pirate told Ridley. "They started just a minute ago and have only been getting larger."

"Fluctuations, eh?" Ridley chuckled lightly. "Perhaps Aran has obtained all of the energy controllers and the place is collapsing. Good riddance I say." That seemed like all that Ridley was going to say.

"Um, sir? Do you have any orders?"

"Just observe it and tell me when the place disappears entirely. I will be laughing maniacally in the basement where it'll echo."

-Dark Aether-

Samus returned a large amount of expelled Phazon back to Dark Samus with her arm cannon. The monstrosity finally dropped, its body distorting as it was overloaded with the poison. She was desperately hoping that it would die for good or at least be destroyed with Dark Aether.

Dark Samus staggered over to her, barely able to walk in a straight line. It reached its arm out, trying to touch the glowing circles on her chest. Just as Samus planned to roundhouse kick it in the teeth and watch it writhe on the floor, it dissolved into purple specks in the air, the particles being carried away by a breeze. Hopefully, it was gone for good.

She wasn't even given time to breathe before a horde of Ing began to appear over the walls. "I swear, I better get bonus pay for this."