Don't ask. Just don't.

Published August 1, 2011

Back with a Vengeance

Ridley awoke some time hours later (being unable to discern what time it was due to his unfortunate fate of being at the bottom of a sixteen kilometre pit), feeling sore but refreshed. His joints creaked and popped as he forced his body into a sitting position. "Everything that looks like Samus must die," he murmured resentfully. "I'm going to kill her, I'm going to kill her evil clone, I'm going to kill her best friend, I'm going to wipe out her favourite animal, I'm even going to destroy everything that shares letters with her name."

The shaft was just wide enough to fly straight up if he had some momentum. The problem laid in the fact that his wings were quite broken and would take weeks to heal on their own. That meant climbing.

As he climbed, he spoke to himself. "When I get out of here, the first thing I'm going to do is tear Dark Samus's legs off. Then I'm going to beat it with them. Then I will feed them to it. Then I will wait until they digest, set the shit on fire, shove it back up there and watch it burn to death. From there, I go after Samus. Oh boy, the agonizing things I'll do to her. All that suffering will be returned tenfold! No one messes with motherfucking Ridley and gets away with it, NO ONE!"

Having exhausted his supply of rants within six minutes, he was silent for the next six hours. The shaft was very easy to climb, it was just very long. After a while he simply zoned out and began to think of horrible things he could do while climbing mechanically.

The moment he saw a speck of light, he sped up. He was almost free.

With frantic grabs, Ridley pulled himself from the hole. He collapsed on the ground, panting and sweaty.

The sound of firearms starting up drew his attention. He glanced to the side, his vision meeting three terrified GF troopers. Their rifles were drawn and pointed at him, shaky fingers resting on the triggers just begging for an accidental fire. Were they even trained to use those things? Gun safety basics, people.

With a sigh of exasperation he said, "Come on. Do you really think this will go well if you shoot?"

They said nothing, though he could tell they wanted to run away screaming. Unfortunately for their futures, he was not that nice.

After a quick meal, his hunger was sated and he could feel his wings sufficiently regenerated. He picked some metal from his teeth and took off, shooting into orbit within seconds. Several orbital defence drones tried to take him down but fail quite miserably.

It would take weeks to return to the homeworld at his maximum speed. He closed his eyes, letting the autopilot bring him home.

A large piece of debris smashed into his cranium seconds later. "Fucking universe!" He punted the garbage.

-Meanwhile, in space-

A pirate signalled Phantoon over to his terminal. He pulled up a picture with a dragon shaped icon flashing obviously on the radar. "Sir, we've detected Commander Ridley's radio frequency nearby. Should we intercept?"

It was their only chance. "Yes."

So they radioed in Ridley. "This is High Commander Ridley, state your purpose."

"General Phantoon, Ridley. I am currently wandering aimlessly through space trying to find someone who isn't under the control of Dark Samus."

"You've come to the right place. I'm currently on route to tear its limbs off and feed them to it."

"And you believe this is the smartest course of action...?"

Ridley scoffed. "This is the most suicidal thing I've ever done. But knowing the competency of our mooks in a one on many situation, I think getting there will be pretty easy."

Neither Phantoon nor his minions could disagree. Regardless of truth, Phantoon couldn't help feeling concerned for the only other sane pirate left in the galaxy. If he was going to be an outcast, he wanted someone on his level to talk to. No offense was meant to his mooks, they were better than most, but they were pretty useless. "I know you're strong, but I can't in good conscience let you go through with this suicide mission. Hold position, I'm coming."

"I'm afraid you don't know how space works my friend. You see, in space, I can't just stop. Laws of momentum and whatnot. Sorry, but I'm going on alone."

"That's bullshit and you know it. We found ways around the laws of nature and science ages ago. Rules don't apply to us anymore."

There was a sigh. "Phantoon, I'll be honest. I plan to run in there, metaphorical guns blazing, and I doubt you or your six or so poorly trained imbeciles who probably graduated out of the Storm Trooper Marksmanship Academy will be able to tip the scales in any direction but against me. In the likely event that I fail, I need you to do something even more important. Send word to Aran of where Dark Samus is."

A murmur shot up among the STMA graduates. "Are you sure it's a good idea to tell the hunter where our homeworld is?"

"Believe me when I say that she'll explore one facility, kill a hundred or two expendables and then take out Dark Samus before completely forgetting about the planet's existence. If you bring up Zebes to her she'll take a few seconds to recall what the hell you're talking about."

"And the Federation?"

"'Oh, Samus is done there, all is well, delete the planet from our logs because she probably blew it up or something like that.' No problems either."

"I... don't know if I can deny your logic."

"You can't."

-One irritating trip later-

As predicted, security crafts stopped him as he got in orbit. All it took was a patented Ridley glare to make them scamper off with their exhaust between their legs. He touched down within the next few seconds, skidding to a halt.

"Commander, you're back!"

Ridley ignored the excited cries of the troops and set his gaze on the tall building housing Dark Samus. "This is the part where you DIE!" he roared, spreading his wings.

"RIDLEEEEY!" His wings were almost broken when Kraid glomped him, pulling him closer. "They told me your had died but I knew you weren't died! I knew you were alive and you're here and we have so much to catch up on! Phillip missed you so much. Phillip, get over here and give Grandpa Ridley a great big hug."

Chykka buzzed over to the two attached monsters and began to rub his furred head against Ridley, purring affectionately. It was a disturbing noise.

Ridley escaped Kraid's grip, gasping at the monster. "I'm glad that I was missed, but what did I say about touching me? I'll answer for you. I said don't."

"Okai! Hey Ridley!"

He sighed. "What?"

"Did you bring me a present from the gift shop?"

A spark shot from his head. "No. Now stop bugging me so I can kill our leader."

"'Kay!"

"Well, well, well, look what we have here." Draygon wandered on set, glaring at the space dragon with poorly contained loathing.

Ridley glanced between the lizard and the fish. He spread his wings again. "Kraid, Draygon wants to be your friend."

"FRIENDLY!" Kraid pulled Draygon into a hug, stars in his eyes. Nothing could stop Kraid's friendship mode. "We'll be the best of friends but not the best of friends that me and Ridley are because that's just me and Ridley but you and me can still be really really good friends. Have you met Phillip let's meet Phillip. PHILLIP!"

Satisfied, he flapped his wings and took off.

Within the tower, Dark Samus was taking a look at a holographic newspaper terminal. It skimmed through the daily updates with mild interest. "So cracker jacks are banned in the northern quadrant. I must take advantage of this..."

Ridley smashed through the electronic window. This didn't have the same dramatic effect that a glass window would but they were in the future and were required to do things in overly complicated, technological manners.

"YOU!" He skidded to a halt a meter away from Dark Samus, glaring at the Phazon monster.

"Welcome back Commander."

"Shut you purple non-existent lips and eat my dragon fist." Ridley threw a punch, hitting it in the face.

Dark Samus staggered back, but much to Ridley's annoyance the wound already began to heal itself. "You shouldn't have done that."

Ridley spun around, smacking Dark Samus across the room with his tail. "And you should have attacked instead of letting me constantly hit you." He launched his breath weapon at it.

It finally began to fight back, realizing that he was in no mood for pre-combat banter. It started by simply blocking his attacks, throwing in a shot or two every so often. This quickly changed to going all out on the space dragon. It summoned pillars of Phazon, copies, turned itself into an explosive missile, and to top it off it shot him in the eye.

The fight was not going well. Dark Samus, being a copy of the person who always beat him but with even more devastating attacks, ended up unleashing hell on the resident space dragon.

After several minute of combat Ridley was obviously in the worse position. He backed off momentarily, letting his cybernetics repair themselves. "This is not going well," Ridley stated.

"That is what happens when you challenge greatness."

"And by greatness you mean a sentient sludge taking the shape of my arch nemesis."

Having no possible comeback, Dark Samus decided to move on. "We don't have to fight, Ridley. I can look inside of you. You're weak, you want the power needed to crush your enemies and take over the cosmos."

"Are you offering me more power?"

"Yes. I can-"

"Sure."

"...What?"

"Yeah, go ahead." He wasn't going to make any promises on not smashing its head in after gaining the aforementioned power. "Be my guest."

"...That was faster than expected."

"I'm full of surprises... and revenge schemes."

"What did you just say?"

"I'm full of surprises and more surprises."

Twenty minutes later, Meta Ridley became Omega Ridley, the phazon enhanced super dragon that could tear apart sheet metal by breathing on it.

"RIDLEH! You look purple and big."

The newly dubbed Omega Ridley sighed. "That's because everyone seems to think power equals blind loyalty in this world."

"I was blind once!" Kraid declared. "That was when the robot lady shot me in the eye with a boom stick. I couldn't see for a long while!"

"Thank you for telling me this. Once again, I can see why I always go to you of all the people in the world to speak of these important matters."

-Deep in space-

Phantoon was deeply involved in a match of 4D Pong when he was alerted of an incoming transmission from Ridley. "Phantoon here. What's the status on the homeworld? The fact that you're still alive sends me hope."

He was answered with a dry laugh. "You can probably send that hope to the airlock right now because I failed pretty badly. We're going to have to go with plan B: send in the wrecking ball with legs."

Phantoon sighed. "I suppose that's the only option now. Tell me though, how did you survive?"

"Hm? Oh, I'm officially Dark Samus' most powerful enforcer and guardian of the leviathan seed." He was met with silence. "Trust me when I say that this is not nearly as bad for our cause as you might think. Besides, they have good dental."

"I'm going to alert Aran now."

"Please do. She's our only hope... One moment please." He could hear Ridley walk away from the terminal. After a few seconds they heard a loud retch. The dragon then returned. "Sorry about that but those words-"

"I understand," Phantoon interrupted. "You can count on me."

A few minutes later, Gandrayda was happily cruising through the cosmos when her ship received very specific coordinates from an anonymous source. When she was little her parents had drilled into her head over and over again to never trust messages from strangers, but seeing as she could transform into a Berserker Lord at will she didn't feel like heeding their advice. "Into the unknown I go..."