I have a terrible habit. I finish a chapter and decide to wait the night before proofreading. After that, I feel like there are still problems to fix and end up waiting longer. Then I forget it for a month. This is one of those chapters.

Published February 8, 2012

The Retaking of Pirateland

"RIDLEY, MO NOMIA UPIVUTOP, KEY?"

The spotlight in his eyes was a welcomed greeting for Ridley. It meant he was too blinded to see Kraid. "RIDLEY! I'm so glad you're good! Don't worry, I saved your life!" He could still hear the idiot though.

Ridley glanced at the computer monitor in his peripheral vision. "Explain."

"KIKI WAWA OPOP LIMLIM. WONT JIKARVL."

On cue, Jikarvl entered the room. "You're very lucky to be alive." The pirate showed Ridley an outline of his injuries, shaking his head. "Fractures, breaks, muscle tears, fluid everywhere… it's a miracle, really."

"Hold on just a minute. I was not this beaten up when I passed out. Bruised, yes. Missing… what's that say… eighty percent of my small intestine? I think I'd have noticed that one."

"This was all after Kraid tried to revive you."

"I HELPED."

A spark shot off of Ridley's head. "I told you not to!"

"You said not to put my mouth on your mouth, so I tried other things!"

"He got creative, for lack of a better word," Jikarvl said. "After beating you like a dead horse failed to work, he proceeded to suck all of your blood out through your nose hoping that would somehow do the trick."

"…WHY?"

"We were able to put about half of it back, as well as get a few blood donors to assist. However, he ended up swallowing all the Phazon in your body so I'm afraid you're back to how you were before. You may feel a bit woozy for a few more hours, but by tomorrow you'll be right as rain!"

"I never understood that analogy." Sitting up, Ridley's thoughts began to realign themselves. "How long was I out for?"

"Only one night. Most of the fleet is still orbiting Phaaze with Dark Samus, although almost all of High Command stayed behind. We're currently trying to push away any stray GF soldiers," Jikarvl explained, handing Ridley a bottle of pills. The space dragon ate the whole thing. "We're hiding in the lower levels right now."

"MLO KAATHE."

"Yes, with you Mother Brain."

-Across the galaxy-

"We're winning!" a random pirate cheered over the fleet's intercom. He was ignored in favour of focusing on the life or death dogfight at hand.

In the centre of the madness stood Dark Samus, lurking deep in the pits of the living planet Phaaze. Samus was drawing closer; it could feel the Phazon running through her every cell. The human would have her wish, to fight the being of pure Phazon in one on one combat until there was a single victor. And if that victor was not Dark Samus, it would call in backup. No one ever said the fight had to be fair.

Something knocked on the floor. "Can I come out please? I promise I won't rat your operation out to the federation. It's cold down here."

"Your time will come, computer."

"I have a name you know. Er, a number I mean… How would you like it if I called you by your composition?"

Dark Samus did not respond.

"You being quiet just gives me time to keep on talking."

It had no desire to participate in this childish back and forth.

"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves…"

Samus dropped from above, activating her space jump in time to avoid splattering on impact. "Finally. Welcome, Samus Aran, to the final battleground. I trust that this will be a suitable location for our showdown."

She shrugged. "I'm not picky. I'd banter now, but that Starfleet isn't going to last forever so I'll settle with shooting through your face."

Both raised their arm cannons. "I wouldn't have it any other way." They fired.

Samus's super missile met its mark, blasting Dark Samus back several feet. Its Phazon missile exploded on Samus's suit, not sending her flying but instead causing the corruption gauge to skyrocket. "That is bad."

A purple Morph Ball did send her soaring back. Dark Samus uncurled, using her moment of recovery to split into three identical copies.

"Wow, that would be so impressive if my x-ray visor didn't show me which the real one is."

-Back with the regular cast-

"By the way, Aran killed Swatllum," Jikarvl said to Ridley.

"Eh? Who?"

"Recently promoted Commander…"

The space dragon snapped his fingers. "Oh yeah, that guy. Shame."

"You don't care much, do you?"

"The fact that I couldn't even remember who he was should answer that. Brain, are you able to open communication channels?"

"TOTORI. HWA GALVE RIKILO?"

"Pull up Phantoon." A nearby monitor flared to life, pulling up a clear image of the Everflying's bridge. He had always told Phantoon it was a terrible name that would be mocked endlessly if it ever went down, but the dimension hopper ignored him.

The eyeball monster floated closer to the camera. "Ridley, how is it going?"

"Could be better. The Federation touched down less than a day ago and is claiming ground fast. Dark Samus abandoned the planet so I doubt you'll have to worry about corruption. Someone with your talents would be of great assistance, if you get what I mean. And before you ask, Kraid just sucked all the blood out of my body so I'm not in a good mood right now."

"I… was never going to ask any sort of question that would give me that answer. But anyway, we'll be there in less than an hour. Stay strong."

"I'll make sure to convince Kraid that you aren't an action figure by the time you make contact."

"Thank you."

True to his word, Ridley's first course of action was to pull up an image of Phantoon and constantly lecture Kraid on why he was not a collectible. He had strong doubts to it working, but it was worth a shot.

A short while later, two GF troopers saw a small speck appear in the sky over Pirateland. "Hey, what's that?"

The other whipped out a pair of binoculars, zooming in. "It looks like a space ship," he said. "Wonder whose it is."

"Is it just me or is it getting closer?"

"Nah, it's just you."

The Everflying crashed into both of them. It landed shortly afterwards, releasing Phantoon and his legion of six inept pirates into the world. "Sub-General Victum."

"Oh captain my captain!"

"As we are unable to locate Mother Brains signal, you are to take Division A and find Commander Ridley. I will move out with Division B to reclaim the central tower."

"Oh captain my captain."

They split up, neither group knowing exactly what they were doing.

Phantoon eventually settled for appearing right in front of a battalion of Federation soldiers, shouting, "OOGA BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!"

"AH, SPACE GHOST!" One dropped his rifle and ran away, screaming and flailing his arms through the air.

The others just pointed their weapons at him. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" one asked.

"Hello. I am Phantoon of the Space Pirate Confederation. It's a pleasure to meet you." He held out a tentacle which the human shook. "I'd like to apologize in advance, but you'll all have to die now." He then bombarded them with a cascade of fire.

Meanwhile, Victum and two pirate mooks were wandering aimlessly through the lower levels of the homeworld complex. "Do we know where we're going?" one asked.

Victum smiled back at him. "I have no idea, comrade!"

At that moment they received a visitor in the form of Chykka. The monster swooped in, buzzing around their foreheads and purring contently. "Look at the cute little bug," Victum cooed, scratching it behind the ear. It waggled its tail, clicking at him.

"Sir, I think that's Kraid's pet."

"Excellent! He can bring us back to Kraid who can bring us to Ridley. Onward, insect friend!"

-Meanwhile-

Ridley cracked an eye at Kraid's excited shout. "What's he up about now? If some new mineral came out of Phillip's ass I swear…"

Kraid burst into the small, poorly lit room with a blue rock in his claw. "RIDLEY! Phillip pooped out this! I named it Jobo."

"That's a stupid name. Now get out." He rolled over, closing his eyes and praying for Kraid's safety that he'd shut it for once.

"By the way…" The cyborg flexed his claws. "Some pirate people came down here looking for you. They sayed they're with Phantom!"

"Phantoon," said another voice.

Ridley jerked upright, leaping to his feet. "You're with Phantoon?"

"Yes High Commander Comrade! Sub-General Victum at your service, sir! Top graduate of the Storm Trooper Marksmanship Academy of '98."

Ridley tented his claws, cackling quietly. "Perfect. Good to see you, obvious over the top comic relief replacement. Mother Brain, can you contact Phantoon's personal radio?"

"OUPLEVATE LOONY."

A sound only communication window was opened, Phantoon's name perched in the corner. "Good to have you back," the dragon said.

"It's good to be back. There aren't very many of us left here, are there?"

"No. Dark Samus took just about everyone loyal to it, so we have the ones who just don't give a damn. It's time to initiate Protocol Theta."

"I like that one."

"As do I. Mother Brain, commence Protocol Theta!"

"WIKIWIKI PLYVACKO LALOP?"

"Yes, that one."

"VI. JAJAJAJAJAJA!"

A hatch opened in front of Ridley, a lever rising out of it. He wrapped his fingers around it, facing the rest of them. "And now, we reclaim our planet!" With one final laugh he yanked it down.

On the surface, all the acid rain barriers dropped. Fortunately for the space pirates, their armour had shields built in. Unfortunately for the federation, theirs did not offer a similar protection.

"WHY RAIN? WHY ARE YOU BETRAYING ME? I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!" one yelled into the sky, falling to his knees as he dissolved.

Kraid burst from the floor, Ridley and the others following. They unleashed hell upon the unsuspecting human forces, bombarding them with all sorts of lethal attacks. Phantoon struck from the other side, his three pirates firing randomly in the background. Under their combined assault the federation stragglers fell.

Ridley pumped a fist into the air. "Victory! We have victory!" Everyone broke into cheers, firing their weapons into the air.

"One base down, three thousand eight hundred and forty six to go," Jikarvl said, crossing a name off his list.

The others went silent. "We may need to call in the Zebes fleets for backup," Phantoon suggested.

Ridley just sighed. "Yes. Yes we will."

-Phaaze-

In the helm of the pirate flagship, Draygon and Crocomire were having a lively discussion on their current situation. "The fight isn't going in our favour," Crocomire said, watching their numbers sink lower and lower.

"The hell are you talking about? With the great one backing us up, there's no way we can lose."

"The problem comes in the fact that the great one isn't backing us up. It went down to the planet and hasn't said anything since."

"Am I sensing doubt?" the crayfish hissed, eyes narrowing.

"Yes, yes you are. Now might be a good time to pull back."

Draygon flexed his mandibles at the dinosaur. "I will not allow such heretical talk in my presence!" He snapped forward, latching onto Crocomire's throat.

"You know that won't kill me."

"I'll show you-"

Phaaze began to waver, its surface expanding and contracting rapidly. It began to stretch, bursts of purple lightning shooting into the atmosphere. "It's going to explode!" a pirate shouted, jumping out of his chair and running away screaming.

Crocomire looked down at his superior, raising six eyebrows. Draygon slowly released him, leaving a patch of saliva on his neck. "All right, now may be the best time for a strategic retreat…"

This week, Mother Brain's dialogue featured two cameos that I'm aware of! If you can point them out, um... uh... then yay for you!

I'm not sure if I told my Metroid readers, but you can see my updates and progress from the Twitter linked in my homepage. I made it to feel important. You can also pressure me into writing ^_^