A quick update, I shock myself. In today's adventures, we shall cover the many, many poignant events that take place over the course of Metroid 2. There are two cameos in Mother Brain's dialogue, and one is much more blatant than the other. Enjoy!

Published February 13, 2012

Metroid Hunters

From the starship's bridge, Crocomire tilted his head toward his current cohort of the day. "Inform me: why are we harvesting residue Phazon when the last time we did this ended with a full scale invasion of our world?"

"If I had shoulders, I would shrug," Draygon said. "I think Ridley's sending everyone he can away so he can get some alone time. Bastard."

"Probably. That guy's had it rough. I hope he's getting some nice R&R."

"I hope he's dead."

-Meanwhile-

Ridley was stuck in another one of his rage induced glitches, several technicians spraying his flaming head with fire extinguishers. When he came back to reality, he was able to scream, "Inform me… WHY ARE ALL THE METROIDS DEAD?"

"They broke out," Jikarvl reported.

"They've broken out of their confines before, but they weren't all reduced to mush all the other times!"

"They've never all crammed themselves into the same tunnel and gnawed on the wiring enough to activate the security lasers before. We're still not sure how they all fit in there…"

"Actually, there's still a few Gammas on the loose," another pirate added.

"Find them," Ridley ordered. He poked the pile of sludge that used to be their supply of Metroids, irately scrapping his claws on the wall. "This is lovely."

"We've already sent in a request to Tallon IV to acquire half of their stock," Jikarvl said.

Ridley growled. "Belay that. Even with half of their Metroids, we won't have nearly as much productivity. Get a capture team ready and have them in my hangar in six hours. We're going to SR388."

Ridley stood still, waiting for the scene to end. Then he heard it, the sound of gargantuan footsteps. "When he arrives, tell Kraid he's not allowed to come. In fact, I'm relocating him to a solitary position on the outskirts of the galaxy if I find him hidden in the cargo bay and especially if he's on the planet when I get there."

"Why can't you tell him that?"

"Because." Ridley exited through the skylight, a wicked grin spreading across his face when he heard Kraid enter just as he left. It was good to make it out for once.

The space dragon crashed into Chykka, sending them plummeting down into Kraid's waiting arms.

-The next morning-

The Everflying shot into space, only Kraid being present to send it off. None of the other pirates wanted to be close to him. "BYE RIDLEY! BYE PHANTOM! Bring me back a Metroid, 'kay?"

Ridley shut off the radio, silencing the big idiot. "And now… my days of peace can begin."

"Do you really think this will go smoothly?" Phantoon asked.

"If it's anything but cathartic, I'm going to park my ass in a base on Zebes and force the universe to give me some time off."

-Meanwhile-

"We have deemed Metroids too dangerous to be left available for space pirate experiments. Go to SR388 and destroy their home colony, and don't let a single one escape!"

Samus took the sacks of money from the table, the sheer amount causing her to struggle. A wicked grin spread across her face, the bounty hunter's eyes lighting up.

"You'll receive the other half upon completion."

The astral ghosts of her parents appeared before Samus, joining hands to dance ecstatically and send her a thumbs up. "Consider it done."

-The Everflying-

After a relatively short journey, the ship touched down on the white stone of SR388. The small crew disembarked soon after landing was taken care of, splitting into two groups. "Remember, if you encounter a Metroid you are to switch to ice based weaponry and capture it. Aim for infants, and if you encounter a Zeta or Omega then you've gone too deep and are completely screwed." Ridley shouted out his ordered to the lined up troops, getting ready to go back inside and relax.

"What if we see the Queen?" a mook asked.

"Die in the most dignified way you can think of. Now get going."

Victum shot his fist into the air. "Move out comrades! For pirate glory!"

"Yeah, follow that one." Ridley turned on his heel and trudged back up the ramp, his tail loudly scraping off the metal.

On the other side of a nearby cliff, Samus landed her gunship with an extra loud crash, the money vastly increasing its cargo weight. She hopped out, ready to blow up a bunch of aliens. All but giggling in joy at what awaited her return to Earth, the exterminator ventured into the caves.

-Shortly after-

Just as Ridley closed his eyes, the communicator buzzed to life. "Uh, High Commander sir?"

"What."

"The, um, the Metroids are, well, kinda blown up."

"Then find others." Did he need to make an instruction booklet for this kind of thing?

"The corpses- er, mush, are still smoking. We think it just happened."

Ridley sighed. "Watch your back and tell me if you find anything else. Tell the other squad to do the same." He ended the connection, lying down yet again.

Then the other group buzzed in. "Greetings, High Commander Ridley," Victum happy said over the intercom. "I would like to inform you that one of my men just saw Ms. Aran blowing up a Gamma Metroid."

Ridley let out a scream, smashing his fist through a wall as thick as a bulkhead. "Can I go to a single planet anymore and not have to deal with her? Do not engage, she'll kill you in less than a second. Just beat her to the Metroids and try to get us at least one of the godforsaken things."

"Oh captain my captain!" That was probably supposed to be a salute seeing as Victum cut the line after he said it.

This news left Ridley in a predicament. On one hand, he wanted nothing more than to fly out there and shove his fist so far up Aran's ass that it popped out her skull. He would need some sort of fisting related pun as he did it; the back of his mind started to work on one in case the occasion came around. To contrast this, Ridley was still mentally exhausted from the last fight and felt like sleeping the rest of the week. Unfortunately for his days off, the Metroids needed to be captured. He would have to go out there and do his job, again.

"I become bitterer every day." Ridley trudged to the ship's ramp. As he stepped on it, his toes caught in the crack left where the platform angled turned down from the rest of the ship, causing the space dragon to shout out as he tripped and rolled to the planet. He crashed into the rock, his head being shoved in a small hole by the force of the fall.

Groaning and cursing, Ridley tried to pull his head out. It wouldn't budge. "This isn't happening…"

-Homeworld-

Draygon and Crocomire touched down, ordering their men to have to Phazon scanned for any sentient presence before planning their own downtime. The plans were interrupted when Kraid snuck up behind the immortal lizard… somehow… and pulled him into a vicious but loving hug. "OLVAR! You came back to me!"

Draygon blinked at the sight. "I thought he hated you."

"I think," Crocomire chocked, "that we went through some one-eighty degrees character arc in his head."

"I see. Have fun, lizard bros."

"Don't you leave me alone with him!"

Draygon was already gone.

"Alone at once," Kraid cheered, letting Crocomire free. "Now we can be brother bros!"

"I… would, but… Mother Brain wants me to report, so… I'm going to do that."

"Aw… Okai, I'll be waiting!"

Crocomire quickly crawled away, fleeing to the relative safety of Mother Brain's holdings. "WANT DEFLORA," the biological computer said, greeting him with aplomb. "FREKE JABBA WANTOO."

"What do you mean by 'just who I wanted to see'?"

Jikarvl popped up from beneath the computer, a circuit board in his hands. "Ah, perfect timing. We're getting ready to move Mother Brain back to Zebes. I'd hate to ask you to go out so soon, right after you got back-"

"I'll do it."

The technician paused, shrugging and diving back into the wires. "All right, suit yourself. Just a heads up: the ship we transport the brain in is going to stay there so you'll have to catch a ride back with Ridley and Phantoon when they stop by."

"Right."

"I think Draygon will be going with you."

"All right."

"I know Kraid will be there too."

"What?"

-SR388-

Victum spat on his hands, rubbing them together and wrapping them around Ridley's tail. "On three, do your thing. One… two…" He stopped.

From his ostrich stance, Ridley tapped his claws impatiently. Ten seconds later, he was ready to smash the Sub-General to bits. "Well?"

"I'm pausing dramatically, comrade."

"GET IT OVER WITH!"

"Three!"

Six pirates pulled and one giant alien monster pushed, barely budging their commander. "How did you get in there?" Phantoon grunted, giving up.

"…I had an unfavourable encounter with Aran."

The crew took a breather. After a few minutes of recuperation, they threw around ideas on how to save the trapped dragon from his embarrassing confines. "What if we put breaching charges around him and blow the rock to bits?" one suggested.

Victum laughed, slapping the pirate on the back. "Excellent idea, comrade. Giles, fetch us twenty explosive charges."

"I did not like the sound of that sentence!" Ridley shouted, struggling feebly.

The pirates placed the explosives around their boss, the Sub-General scratching Ridley's neck soothingly. "Don't worry sir, we'll have you out of there quickly and, most importantly, safely. Now we'll be way over there."

"Phantoon, stop this idiot!"

"Sorry. Once he's got an idea in his head, there's no stopping him," Phantoon regrettably told him, floating out of the blast range.

"I WILL KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU IF ANYONE PRESSES THAT BUTTON."

Victum put his hand to the remote. "It's a switch, not a button!" He flipped it.

-In the caves-

An earthquake shook the entire system of caverns, the shockwave making its way down to Samus and the Zeta Metroid she was locked in combat with. A stalactite broke from the roof, falling and impaling the alien monster. It dropped dead.

"That worked out," the bounty hunter said. "No one ever told me these things evolved into giant lizard monsters... Oh well, it makes things much more fun. Now what the hell was that?"

-Back up top-

Ridley lay in the centre of the crater, his armour blasted to the scrap. His limbs lightly twitched every few seconds.

"Those are breaching charges," Phantoon blankly stated.

"Subtly is for the weak, comrade."

With the speed of a reluctant sloth, Ridley staggered to his feet. He opened his mouth, paused, then fell flat on his face again. Take two had more success, allowing him to stand up with only a slight wobble. "Victum... someday... your name... is going to become a very good indicator of what will happen to you."

As the blast basically wrecked it, Ridley tossed away what remained of his armour, finally being demoted from Meta Ridley to just plain Ridley. It felt cold and tingly without it after so long, but he did not plan to let anyone know.

"It's been so long since I've seen your real skin," Phantoon said. "You should stay in the sun for a while. You're a bit pale."

"I'll pass. I need to kill someone."

-Underground-

Someone slowly lowered her gun, jaw hanging wide as the Queen Metroid stomped across the chamber. Its neck extended to match its entire body length, pools of drool dripping from the tooth filled maw. The monster let out a mighty roar, cracking the stone around them.

"Since when have they come this big? I call bullshit!"

The Metroid stabbed its head forward, grabbing her by the hips and hurling the heroine across the room. She kicked off the wall, jumping above the next snap and blasting the carapace with as many missiles as she could shoot. The Queen shook off the concussive blasts, swatting at her in mid air. With a well timed space jump she escaped unharmed, landing behind it.

Getting an idea, Samus curled into her Morph Ball and boosted under it, laying a Power Bomb. Sadly, it did little more than alert the Metroid that she was now bite sized. The Queen snatched the ball in her mouth, smashing away at her with its powerful jaw. When it learned that this was only hurting its teeth and damaging Aran's paint coat, it settled with swallowing.

Despite having been threatened on it by Ridley many times, Samus had never actually been eaten by something like this. It comes as no surprise that she panicked, dropped almost all of her remaining stock of Power Bombs and hoped for the best.

The best occurred. The Queen Metroid's entire middle section exploded, innards either vaporizing or flying at high speeds with the rear end. The Metroid let out a yelp before its head slammed to the ground.

Samus crawled out of the evaporating ooze, brushing some stray flesh off her shoulder. She kicked the dead Metroid in the teeth, successfully cracking her foot in the process, before limping to the next room.

-Back with Ridley-

The space dragon jabbed his toe at the Omega Metroid's head. He was unable to locate the rest of the body in physical form, but from what he knew of Aran he had probably found it in that puddle of purple paste a room back. He stepped forward, ignoring the salvage team as they sucked up its remains. "We better find the Queen before she does. If that goes, we'll have to take an egg and breed our own Queen. You remember how that went."

Victum shuddered. "That's the only time I've ever seen something eat its own body mass in heads alone..."

"And we won't see it again. The hatching grounds should be just ahead. If we can head her off, we should be safe."

They arrived at the hatching grounds, finding the still developing Metroids all blown to icy bits. "There's still hope."

Soon after, they found the Queen's body after it underwent its explosive evisceration. "Still hope?" a pirate asked.

"Find the damn eggs..."

One room over, Samus watched as the infant Metroid cuddled against her, its bouncy outer layer squishing against her armour. "That is... so ADORABLE!" She hugged it against her chest. "I'm keeping you! It'll be like raising a dog, only instead of training it not to bite I have to stop you from sucking me into a dry husk."

The Metroid began to purr, something she didn't even think they were capable of, before breaking out of the hug and floating in a haphazard fashion around her head. Shrugging, Samus hopped up the wall, making her way for the passageway far above that would hopefully lead outside.

She ascended just in time to miss the space pirates running in, barely catching the hunter making her getaway with the last Metroid on SR388. "Stop her!" Ridley ordered.

"Can't you fly up there, sir?"

"I am in tremendous amounts of pain right now, no thanks to you Private Giles, now get up there or she'll get away!"

The space pirates began to climb the chamber walls, rising at not even a third of the speed Samus went up at. Ridley started backtracking through the previous rooms, bringing up Phantoon's radio frequency. "Aran's getting away. Find her ship and disable it."

At a series of screams he stopped, looking back at the hatchling cavern. The pirates lay in a tangled mess at the bottom, limbs tangled like a spider web wrapped around a stick.

"You have to be kidding..." Against his better judgment, Ridley sprung up and dug his claws into the wall, quickly climbing the long shaft. His muscles were tearing themselves to shreds but he ignored them, his hate for that Chozo-enhanced nemesis giving the dragon a rush of adrenaline. He'd easily catch up, he knew it, he was over halfway already. Samus was hopping out the exit, standing in the doorway to look down at the rapidly rising dragon.

"Hey, I didn't know you guys were here," she shouted down. "You should have called to let me know." Samus dodged a breath attack. "Just for that, I'm not waiting for you to catch up. Good day." She left, the infant Metroid following out of sight.

"What's the matter, afraid I'll be too intense for you?" Ridley jumped up, grabbing the base of the natural archway. With all his strength he pulled himself up, learning that he was just in time to see the power bomb she left give its last pulses. "You bitch."

Far above, Phantoon fired a series of probes around the surrounding area, having them immediately search for the bounty hunter's gunship. After a few minutes one sent him a signal indicating that it completed the objective, finding the spacecraft. Six seconds later, it reported that it was taking off.

He called the dragon. "Ridley, you're not going to like this."

Ridley opened the conversation with screaming and the sound of falling rocks. The line went blank.

"...Ridley?"