Chapter 9

When I returned home from work on Tuesday and found that Ray was there, I left. I had been hoping it wasn't real and that he hadn't been fired. But there he was, drinking on the couch and muttering incoherently to himself. I went to the library to pass some time, and then went out to eat alone at the café I liked.

I was tired from the long work day, and I decided at eleven that it was time to go home. I pulled into the driveway hoping that no one noticed me, and I climbed out of my car and went around the side of the house, tiptoeing through the shadows. I went to my window and reached my hand into the crack I left, pushing up the glass enough to climb through. I hoisted my leg through and then pushed myself inward, landing on the floor with a small thump. I pulled myself to my feet and shut the window, and then paused to listen to the quiet.

I moved to the door to lock it, but then Ray appeared in front of it. I gasped and drew back quickly in fright.

"You're home pretty late, don't you think?" he asked, setting the beer bottle on the ground and approaching me.

"I…worked overtime."

He checked his watch.

"It's late. You're supposed to be home earlier than this on weekdays."

"What? I don't have a curfew."

He raised his hand and I shrank back, but he stepped forward and struck me across the face anyway, pushing me into the corner. I screamed and lay on my side, my hands over my face in fearful shock.

My mother ran up to my room, her eyes wide as she surveyed the scene.

"Ray, leave her alone! What did she do?"

"She's so disrespectful!" he shouted, slurring his words, "I hate how she creeps around here like a burglar! She stays out late, and comes back in through the window! Who knows what she's out doing at night!"

He reached out to me and fell over as he tried to grab me. It would have been funny if I hadn't been so terrified. He grabbed my shirt and yanked me close to his face.

"I won't have you sneaking around here!"

He clambered to his feet, yanking me around as he struggled to stand. He squeezed me so hard I knew I must be bruised.

My mother ran to him and grabbed his shirt. He turned sharply and raised a hand to hit her.

"No!" I cried, reaching out and grabbing his arm. "Don't hit her!" He turned to me and slapped me instead. He let go of me, and I fell, stars dancing in front of my eyes.

Ray stomped out of the room, almost falling against the wall as he left. I pulled my knees to my chest and buried my head in them, crying silently.

I felt my mother's hand on my shoulder.

I looked up sorrowfully at her, and then retracted from her touch, shaking my head.

"Please leave," I whispered tearfully.

She looked hurt, but she did as I said. I crawled to the door and shut it and locked it, then turned to the mirror. There was a handprint on my cheek, and my tears streamed over it. I crawled to the bed and pulled the sheet off of it and wrapped it tightly around myself, my tears falling onto the fabric.

I peered up out the window hoping to catch a glimpse of the moon, but the sky was dark and empty. I turned my face away and looked at my pale hands clutching the thin sheet.

I longed to be in Piero's arms. I pictured his face, handsome and smiling. My shaking slowly subsided as the night grew later, and my tears eventually ceased. I smiled to myself as I ran the stories Piero had told me through my head, comforted by the memory of his voice. I didn't sing often, unless the children at the hospital wanted me to, but now I parted my lips and cautiously, softly, began to sing one of Piero's songs to myself, my voice echoing throughout the darkness.

"Where do I begin?...To tell the story of how great a love can be?"

The next day I stayed late at the hospital, having no idea whatsoever about when to return home. If I went early, Ray might get mad and hit me. If I went late, he might get mad and hit me also. Maybe my best bet was to stay out so late he'd surely be asleep by the time I got home. But then I'd be so tired the next day…

Time passed, and I stayed at the hospital. At ten, I left, not wanting to arouse the suspicion of the other workers. I was afraid to go home, so I went to the café to think. At eleven, I decided to risk returning home. I'd be quick in locking my bedroom door, and then I'd be safe.

I went home and successfully did as I planned, then changed into my pajamas and got into bed. All was quiet and still for a few blissful minutes, until the sound of my doorknob turning startled me. I sat up in fear. Ray was trying to open the door.

"Julia?"

I didn't answer.

"Unlock the door! You're not allowed to lock your door!"

I threw the covers off of myself and stood, but didn't move toward the door. I had no intention on unlocking it.

He rattled the knob and then pounded on the door, yelling at me to unlock it. I moved fearfully to the window. He banged his fists against the door and cursed at me, and I stood poised to escape. This carried on for almost twenty minutes and I kept near the window the entire time, but he couldn't come in. I heard my mother come to reason with him, but she obeyed when he sent her away. Eventually he quieted, and I suspected that he was outside the door. I was trembling and tired and my face was wet with sweat. He hadn't found a way in, so maybe I was safe. The footsteps faded, and I slowly slid down to my knees, exhaling in relief. I listened to the stillness around me. Then the footsteps returned, and I looked up in confusion. The doorknob jiggled and there was a scratching metallic sound, and the door flew open with a bang as I screamed.

Ray was holding a piece of bent wire that he had used to force open the door.

I jumped up and yanked open the window, thrusting one leg through. He moved quickly toward me and grabbed my arm, yanking me back inside and slamming the window as I toppled onto the floor. I twisted away and leaped for the door, but he grabbed me around the waist, lifting me up and throwing me on the bed. He shook me and struck my face, and threw me on the ground. He brandished the piece of wire at me, yelling that I had to be obedient to him, and then stumbled away. He fell in the hallway and stayed on the ground. At last, he had passed out. I stayed lying on the ground in silent shock, scared and shaking, my hair hiding my face.

What a mess. This household, this home life was such an utter mess. I pushed myself up slowly into a sitting position and leaned back against the cool wall.

Everything was still now, and eerily quiet.

I looked at Ray in the hallway and retreated to a corner of my room, pulling my knees to my chest and putting my head down on top of them.

I was glad for a moment that I didn't have the responsibility of protecting any siblings from Ray. I knew that if I couldn't protect myself, I wouldn't be able to protect a child. It was best that I be the only one dealing with Ray.

I sat up suddenly, my eyes widening.

Piero! I've told him all about Ray! Oh, how could I!?

Shameful tears came to my eyes, and I hid my face in my hands in anguish.

How selfish of me to bring Piero into this! What a horrible thing for me to do! How could I tell him about Ray and drag him into this mess!? Why didn't I stop to think of how Piero would feel about it!? He probably feels like it's his responsibility to help me!

I should never have told him anything about Ray. It was selfish of me to ever concern Piero with my home life. Sweet, easygoing, caring Piero. He shouldn't have to worry about me.

I kept wiping tears from my eyes. I decided that I would have to meet with Piero and apologize to him for involving him in this mess. Then I would withhold any more information from him. He would not find out about Ray hitting me.

I knew that Piero would protest, would tell me it wasn't imprudent of me, and I decided I had to resist. I couldn't believe it, no matter how sincere he seemed.

But I wanted to tell him! It was selfish, but I wanted to tell him everything and be able to run to him when I was upset. I wanted him to hold me and tell me it was okay. In his arms, I felt safe and secure. Piero was so kind and loving…

I would have to suppress these longings for the good of Piero. He shouldn't have to worry about me. I wiped my eyes and leaned against the wall, picturing his smiling face, and then crawled over the floor and into the bed, succumbing to the exhaustion.

The next morning, Thursday morning, I pulled myself out of bed with great difficulty, stepped over Ray in the hallway, and went to work. He stayed asleep, and I was able to leave without interacting with him. Maybe that was the trick, to stay away from him until the moment he was out. Then, even if the door was unlocked, he couldn't hurt me.

I was tired from staying up late and the struggle with Ray, but I went about work with my usual optimism. I stayed late at the hospital, then went to my cafe and the store to pass the time until I could attempt to go home. At past midnight I went tiredly to the house and peered longingly through the window. Ray was still awake. I groaned inwardly and trudged into to the clearing in the woods to await his drunken slumber. I waited there, struggling to stay awake, occasionally sneaking back to the house to check on Ray. He didn't pass out until almost two, at which point I quietly entered the house and collapsed on my bed in exhaustion. Any longer and I might have camped out in the woods…