Chapter 14
When I woke up in the tent the next morning, feeling rested and relaxed, clear thoughts began to flow through my mind.
"I guess," I said out loud, trying to reason with myself, "If I need help, and it's offered to me, the appropriate thing to do would be to accept it."
I nodded. It sounded right.
"But…what if I don't need help? What if I think I can get out of this mess on my own? Maybe I don't actually need help."
I sighed and sat up, looking at the shadows on the canvas walls around me.
"I'm living in a tent!" I exclaimed suddenly in realization. I flopped back down and buried my face in the pillow. "I'm living in a tennnttt…"
I rolled onto my back and stared broodingly at the ceiling of the tent.
You need help, Julia. You're living in a tent in the woods.
But…I'm safe here, aren't I? But…a tent…Maybe I should leave…I...I don't know.
I sat up.
I'll stay here in my tent for a while longer and keep thinking. I need to more time to ponder the meaning of life before I take any actions. I giggled at myself and left the tent.
I went to work as I normally did and returned home to my tent in the evening. As I lay down to sleep, I ran Piero's words through my mind, and it seemed as if everything he had said made sense. I reflected on them as I drifted into sleep.
"I want to be the person that you run to when you need help, not because I feel I have to be that person, but because I want to be!"
Maybe I wasn't really doing him a favor by telling him not to worry about me. He said that he wanted to help me, and he was absolutely sincere when he said it.
If I needed Piero to be there for me, I knew that without a doubt he would be. The only think keeping me from him was myself. So why did I hang back? Because I didn't want to leave my mother?
I contemplated what she would feel if I left, and it hurt me to think of her being upset because of something I did. But maybe Piero was right in saying that I had to leave…
I closed my eyes and sighed. I hated contemplating the situation over and over again. I must come to a conclusion, and soon…
The next day was Wednesday, and I felt sore and achy from sleeping on the forest floor in my tent. I also missed Piero. I half-hoped that he would come back to the hospital and talk with me again, but he didn't. I guess he was waiting for me to make a decision and go to him. Soon, Piero, soon… I need more time to think.
Piero was right that I wanted to confide in him. I wanted to so badly… I wanted him to hold me and tell me everything was okay and that he would help me.
But I was finding it difficult to leave the house and my mother. I was fearful to change the lifestyle I had endured for so long. Maybe soon Ray would go back to work, or sober up, or maybe my mother would kick him out, and then I wouldn't need to leave.
I knew I couldn't sleep in the tent forever, but I guess I was afraid to give up hope that everything would go back to the way it was before Ray moved in with my mom.
When I returned to the tent in the evening, I frowned at it and sighed. I didn't like sleeping in the tent. It was hot and uncomfortable, and even though the clearing was my safe haven, it was a bit scary, with the trees rustling and the owls calling. The soft glow of the moon was a comfort, but even that was gone from me when I was hidden in the tent. I sighed and crawled into the tent to lie down.
I softly tried to sing, "La luna hizo esto…"
But I stopped, unable to remember any other lyrics.
The trees rustled and creatures moved throughout the darkened forest, and I closed my eyes and tried to block it out and relax…
I jumped and opened my eyes. I was suddenly flooded with a sense of uneasiness. I had been asleep moments ago. Maybe I had a bad dream. I laid my head down again on the pillow, but my heart raced and the uneasiness refused to subside. I thought I heard a sound of footsteps, and I froze. I heard the sound of boots on the path, and I clasped my hands over my mouth in terror.
No, no, no, please, God, no…
I began to tremble, and a shadow fell across the tent.
My breathing was shallow, and I wriggled out of the sleeping bag and pressed lightly against the opposite wall of the tent.
The shadow stood completely still, and I was shaking violently.
"Piero?" I called softly, hopefully.
The shadow moved toward the opening, and the zipper jingled and rose as the figure unzipped the tent.
"Guess again," Ray said, grinning at me.