Probably a Platypus

Ranma blinked and looked around. "I need a drink," he announced, startling everyone at the dinner table when he got up and raided the fathers' sake stash.

"Since when do you drink, Saotome?" Nabiki demanded.

"Since about six years from now," he replied. Seeing the confusion he chuckled. "Just accept that I did."

"Boy, what's going on?" Genma asked, after eating all of Ranma's food.

"Either one hell of a delusion or a unique opportunity," he replied thoughtfully, before refilling his plate and taking his seat.

"What do you mean by that?" Nabiki asked.

"Just had a bunch of thoughts hit me all at once," Ranma said, "and I don't feel like sharing." Ranma absently blocked Genma's attempts to steal his food.

"Manly thoughts about Shampoo and Ukyou?" Nabiki said figuring Ranma would be flustered enough to give the truth if Akane or the Fathers didn't badger it out of him first.

"Would drive me to drink?" Ranma pointed out as he sipped sake, defusing the oncoming argument.

"P-chan!" Akane cried out, as the pig leapt out of her arms and latched itself onto Ranma's left arm with his teeth. Ranma simply held out his arm with P-chan hanging from it and waited for Akane to pry him loose. "What did you do to P-chan?!" Akane demanded, as she recovered her pet. "He wouldn't attack you for no reason!"

Ignoring Akane, Ranma turned to Kasumi. "P-chan is showing a lot of aggression, I think it's time we take him to the vet for a checkup, his shots and a little snip-snip so he stops, otherwise he's probably going to start peeing in the corners to mark territory."

Everyone but Kasumi and Ranma paled.

"The same could be said for Mr. Bear," Kasumi pointed out.

"Good point," Ranma cheerfully. "We can get them both done at the same time."

"Hey!" Genma protested.

"What?" Ranma asked. "They're purely ornamental at this point or mom would be getting ready to have a little brother or sister for me."

"How would that affect his shedding?" Kasumi asked.

"The reduction in testosterone would reduce the amount of hair he has, so more initially as his hair falls out, but it won't grow back, so less overall."

"That sounds like a great idea!" Kasumi enthused.

"No!" Soun ordered with Genma whispering behind him. "There will be no cutting off bits of guests!"

"Fine, I guess pops gets to keep them… for the moment," Ranma agreed. "We'll just schedule P-chan."

"You can't neuter my baby!" Akane yelled.

"Actually I can," Ranma said cheerfully. "I've read up on the subject and I can neuter him with a single rubber band."

"No neutering other people's pets!" Soun ordered.

"I look at it as self-defense," Ranma disagreed. "I keep getting attacked, so I found a nonviolent way to resolve the problem."

"How's that nonviolent?!" Akane demanded.

Ranma's hand blurred for a second and suddenly he was holding a large black rubber band open with three fingers on the right hand. "I slip this on a guy and there's no pain, just a little numbness and a lowering of aggressive behavior…permanently."

The fathers eyed Ranma nervously and P-chan cringed hiding in Akane's lap, but no one said anything more for the remainder of dinner.

"Would you help me clean up?" Kasumi asked Ranma.

"Sure Kasumi," he agreed while the others fled to avoid work.

It was a matter of moments to clean the dining room and take the dishes to the sink, while Kasumi put away anything left over. "You're usually not that hostile towards P-chan and your father," Kasumi said as she started washing dishes and handing them to Ranma to dry.

"Do you really think Akane doesn't know he's Ryoga?" Ranma asked dryly.

"Surely she'd tell you if she knew," Kasumi protested.

"Nope. Think of what her favorite play is."

"Romeo and Juliet?"

"Exactly, and here she gets to play star crossed lovers under everyone's noses. Akane isn't stupid, she and Ryoga are just enjoying playing me for a fool," Ranma said bitterly.

"But she said…" Kasumi trailed off.

"Yeah, let me guess. You found blood on the sheets and knew it wasn't her period, and she told you something about love and not wanting the fathers to ruin it right?"

Kasumi nodded.

"So she's asked you to keep quiet about any strange stains or noises in her room and pretend everything's normal, being sure not to mention anything to me because I'm so shy, right?"

Kasumi nodded.

"Next time you hear noises from her room, come check on me. You'll find me asleep in bed." Ranma had to move quickly to catch the plate that Kasumi dropped.

"She…she…," Kasumi growled angrily.

"Betrayed your trust and lied to you?"

"Yes! I don't see how she could do that."

"Easy," Ranma said. "Every betrayal she just blames on me. I'm the villain keeping her from her one true love so everything is my fault."

"That's horrible!"

"Yeah, but in her mind it excuses all her behavior. Why do you think she's so quick to believe I'm off with some other girl when I'm not around, even though she's seen me blow those girls off and tell them I'm in a relationship?"

"Why?" Kasumi asked.

"Because for her to get away with what she's doing with no guilt, I have to be the bad guy, thus I must be cheating since she is and I'm a much worse person than her."

"H-how long have you known?"

"I grabbed the sake bottle as it all hit me, I had no clue before that, but like any attack pattern I was eventually going to realize what was going on," he replied.

"B-but you're sure?"

"If she didn't ask you to keep quiet then I may be wrong," he admitted.

"Damn that girl!" Kasumi said angrily.

Ranma shrugged and they went back to doing dishes.

"Nabiki?" Kasumi asked after a minute wondering how they could save the engagement.

"The girl who tried to sell my girl side to the yakuza as a whore?" he asked bluntly.

Kasumi winced. "Me?" she asked once she'd recovered her composure.

"You pawned me off on your younger siblings and don't care for me all that much," Ranma said.

"I…thought that something else was going on," Kasumi admitted. "It…did not paint you in the best light."

"And despite everything I've done you continued to see me in that light, no matter how many times I put my ass on the line for your family. No, the agreement between our families is null and void."

"They may try to marry you off to daddy."

"Then you may become an orphan," Ranma replied. "If I'm feeling merciful I'll simply change the pair into something that isn't a pain in my ass, but don't count on it."

"So what are your plans?"

"Personal," Ranma replied. "I should be out of your hair by this weekend at the latest."

"It's going to kill father," Kasumi said.

"I've got more than enough reason to kill him, this will just depress him. Then again he can have Genma divorce Nodoka and marry one of you to join the schools if he wants it so much."

Kasumi stood there frozen for a good ten minutes after Ranma had left.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Ranma lay quietly, pretending to sleep. Concentrating on his hearing he listened to the house waiting. Akane wasn't nearly as quiet as she imagined she was, so hearing her he triggered the cameras he'd hidden in her room and went to sleep. Thankfully he'd been able to borrow what he needed from Nabiki so he could finish up everything he wanted to do here and leave.

His dreams were filled with exaggerated horrors from his past, which ironically had yet to occur.

Waking hours before everyone else, he reclaimed the camera, returning it to Nabiki's room sans tape. On his way out he did a quick scan of her room but couldn't locate where she kept the books for all the gambling and blackmail she was currently engaged in. He didn't have time to search the whole house so he gave it up for now, he'd just have to get it from her in person later.

The sky was bright and clear as the sun rose but there was at least a hint of ozone in the air that said a storm was brewing. IF he remembered correctly a storm was heading towards Nerima, one that was big enough to drive everyone indoors for the rest of the week, which suited his plans perfectly.

Typing by: The Last Primarch!

AN: I don't know what I had planned for this.