As Long As We Both Shall Live
It's Christmas. The world is covered in snow. He's afraid to meet Emily's eyes. All his efforts are fruitless. Somehow his sperm count is low. Way too low. And he can't tell another soul. For he feels that he's defective. And he's disappointed, disgusted, and unspeakably ashamed of himself. All his life he's been trying to prove his worth. He wants to have his own children. He knows he will be a great Dad. He wants to have a big family. And everyone will be smiling, laughing, and happy. So happy. Once upon a time he wanted a little girl like Stephanie. Big blue eyes. Brown curly hair. And it's no secret that Emily wants a little boy...
"Don't worry, Joe. Things aren't that bad." The doctor smiled and said encouragingly.
He simply nodded, having suddenly lost the ability to speak. Yeah, he could always try harder, and he did have faith in modern medicine and technology. But it was such an unexpected blow to his pride and masculinity. His family has always been notably fertile and it seems that his cousins and siblings just can't stop popping out kids. They, in fact, reproduce like rabbits. He knew he should trust his doctor but he couldn't stop thinking about "What if?". And he didn't know how to tell Emily.
And the problem is, he still doesn't.
His nephews and nieces run around all over his mother's house screaming. He takes another gulp of the Eggnog as Emily takes another sip of the middle-priced champagne. Sooner or later the cat will be out of the bag but still he doesn't want to upset Emily. Sometimes he still has nightmares about not being able to breathe, but at least he no longer wakes up with bruises on his chest. It's holiday season. He's sharing the beautiful pleasant evening with his whole family. It's not the time to feel lonely, frightened, uncertain, and scared. Grandma Bella made his favorite pasta. His mother baked his favorite pie and cake. He avoids meeting Emily's eyes.
He just wants to be happy.