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After that night at the Coronet and then at her apartment, Zoe has been distant.
She has been very busy with her job, they both have been but there was something else John couldn't quite understand and he hated when that happened. John called her several times but she was always very evasive blaming her lack of time so becoming suspicious, he thought to keep an eye on her when he wasn't working. She seemed tired and physically sick, not her usual always-put together self, something was wrong, maybe did she get a flu or a stomach bug? Or was it just stress? She was hiding something, he was sure of it, she couldn't fool him.
After some days of shadowing her, John decided to break into her apartment. He remembered the kitchen on the right, the big living room with the couch where he made love to her, the glass coffee table she kept her gun hidden under and all the way to the right her bedroom… everything seemed as usual. The smell of her perfume invaded the environment like a vivid mark, a sign she was there even when she wasn't, that was her "den", the safe place where she could undress of her armor and be herself and he was profaning it.
John looked for a clue following unconsciously Finch's steps when he had been there, searching the living room and her bedroom, the walk-in closet, the bedside tables' drawers, in each possible place she could hide something including the trash in the kitchen and in the bathroom when… he found it, not one but three. He felt every muscles of his body contract, his fist clenched and the rage growing fast, so inhaled deeply trying to control himself: he really needed to talk to her!
Zoe Morgan has never felt so grateful for the end of a working day, she was exhausted and all she wanted to do was arriving home, kicking her heels off and taking a hot bath, she deserved it. Her thoughts wandered towards John… she knew the way she behaved during the past weeks wasn't the solution, he wanted to commit to her in their own "special" way and she was sure he'd have expected more from her but at the moment she didn't know what to do, she was tired, confused and worried.
She opened the door of her apartment and jumped scared before recognizing the dark figure seated on her couch, John… her heart skipped a beat.
"John, what are you doing here? You scared me!"
It took her a second to get that wasn't a pleasant visit. His face was a dark and cold mask, he barely could contain his anger pointing his blue eyes to her like a weapon, he was scaring her now, for real. She swallowed removing her coat and heels, then headed to the kitchen to take a glass.
"You shouldn't drink" his voice low and bitter hit her
"I was pouring a drink for you" She sighed and handed the glass to him
"I don't want it. When did you plan on telling me that?" he said pointing out the three pregnancy tests on her coffee table
"Did you search in my trash?" she yelled angry "How dare you…"
But his voice overcame her and his body, threatening, towered over her "WHEN DID YOU PLAN ON TELLING ME THAT?"
She passed a hand through her hair "I don't know"
"Is this why you were avoiding me?"
"I wasn't avoiding you"
"You were, Zoe!"
"I've been busy with my job"
"Lies! This is not only about you!"
She cuddled up on her couch far from him. She needed space and time and he just cornered her, she'd have told him but not before processing it and being able to think about it without freaking out.
I am pregnant, she tried to repeat it in her mind but she only felt to throw up. How could that happen?
"How long did you know it?"
"Today but I suspected it since weeks, I just didn't have the courage to do the tests"
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I don't know John! God, I was terrified and I hoped to be wrong but my period is always on time, I should say was…"
She lowered her gaze to her hands rested on her belly.
"Did you take an appointment with the doctor?"
"Not yet, I'll call tomorrow"
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Zoe grabbed the glass and threw the drink in his face "Get out of my house!"
"I needed to ask you"
"Go away, you bastard!"
She yelled pushing and hitting him with her fists on his chest but he blocked her wrists and pushed her against the wall.
"Look at me, Zoe! I had to be sure the baby was mine"
"After all your speech of creating our kind of normality and being bad together you thought you could fuck someone else?" she moved frantically trying to free herself "Who the hell do you think I am? A slut?"
His features softened and he loosed the grip of her "I could never think that of you"
She was so mad, at him and at herself for the tears she couldn't contain anymore
"You think you wouldn't kick you out of my house if you weren't the father of my baby?"
"Zoe…"
"Don't. Go away John, I want to be alone"
She didn't even wait for him to go, she simply turned on her heels and went to the bathroom and letting the water flow to fill the tub, she crumbled to the floor started crying; John heard the sobs she tried to muffle and entered the bathroom… she didn't want him to see that way, weak and vulnerable, hurt and tired, a mess. She fixed problems for a living but she couldn't fix herself.
She covered her face with her hands mumbling "I told you to go away"
"I'm not going anywhere Zoe, whether you like it or not" he bent on his knees and moved her hands to brush her tears away with his thumbs "Come on, you need that bath"
He helped her to get up from the floor. Zoe tied her hair up and started undressing while John checked the water and pour some shower gel in it… vanilla, like her smell. He tried not to look at her glorious naked body, she was so beautiful and many weeks passed since the last time, he wanted her.
She sunk in the tub and closed her eyes, she wanted to shut the world out, shut him out. His question crushed her when she thought anything could destroy her anymore, as if he hit exactly that tiny spot that made even the most shatterproof glass break. She felt the tears forming again behind her lids, damn hormones and damn John Reese who put her in that situation!
She tried to focus on the warm water and how her sore muscles started relaxing after the long day spent walking around on her heels, she sighed loudly and looked at him, he didn't move from his position staring at her for all the time. Getting control on herself back, Zoe spoke low and calm.
"You don't need to stay, John. I can take care of myself"
"I see" he answered bitterly
"What was that supposed to mean?"
"You let yourself starve to avoid to throw up in front of your clients, a very responsible way to take care of yourself and the baby"
"How do you… you watched me!" she felt the urge to throw him something, instead gripped the tub's edges, her knuckles was turning white for the rage
"I had to. You were acting strange and I didn't know what was going on but I did know you were hiding me something"
"Good job soldier!" the belittling use of the noun didn't go unnoticed to him "Well now you discovered the big secret, you can go"
"You don't dismiss me, Zoe!"
"I should have told you it wasn't yours" she hissed, a look of provocation in her eyes
"What did you say?" he approached her
"You heard me"
He looked at her as if she was insane, he couldn't believe his ears and then he got it: she used his same way to hurt him, the baby. Zoe read the pain in his eyes and if she thought to feel a kind of satisfaction for that little revenge, she was wrong.
"Now you know how you made me feel"
"It wasn't my intention to hurt you, I needed to know"
"I don't owe you anything! And you can't watch me, break into my house, search in my trash and behave as if you had some kind of right on me"
"This baby's mine too"
What it was supposed to be a relaxing bath turned into a fight and the water was turning cold, so Zoe stepped out of the tub and wrapped herself into a white long bathrobe.
"It won't be for long" she answered after tying the belt
"What?"
"You're a smart man, John. You should have known since when you found the tests"
"Zoe…"
"It's the best decision"
"For who?" he yelled
"For both of us. We're not normal people and considering our line of work we can't take care of a baby, neither of us want it"
"You don't know! You can't talk for me"
"Be honest with yourself. You're Finch's puppy"
"I am not anybody's puppy!"
"Whatever but every time he calls you disappears"
"It's work! And you should know it better than anyone else"
"Exactly! It's work John, it always is and neither of us have time for a baby! You want to save the world? Fine, do it! But not with a baby waiting for you at home, not with a baby who needs a father. You won't do this to my child!"
"Your child?" he repeated using a scorning tone "You're the one who wants to get rid of it!"
"Stop it"
"No, I won't stop. You're talking as if the problem was my job. What about yours? You think to be safe? Do I have to remind you how we met, Zoe?"
"It's not about you indeed. It just… it shouldn't have happened"
She left the bathroom looking for something to wear in her closet.
"So that's it?"
"What do you want me to say?"
"Would you have ever told me?" the pain she saw in his eyes reached his voice now "About the baby or would you have gotten rid of it without a word?"
"Knowing you you'd have found out by yourself but if it makes you feel better, I'd have told you"
"Why are you doing this?"
"This what?"
"You're doing everything you can to push me away, to make me hate you"
"To hate someone you've to love her first"
"Who said I don't love you…?"
Zoe froze in place and those treacherous tears stung again at the corner of her eyes. She simply turned around, needing a break from his look, his words, the heat of his body in her bedroom, she just wanted him to go away, it was too much, too painful. She'd have never imagined he wanted a baby, to become a father, in the best scenario he'd have let her choose what to do and taken his responsibility if necessary, anything more but as always, she underestimated him.
"Say something, Zoe"
"I'm sorry, John"
He stormed out her apartment without a word and as soon as she heard the door shutting, she fell on her knees sobbing.