Lost in Translation
Xander looked around the bar they'd appeared in, it had a dark and smoky atmosphere with alien music. "Andrew?" Xander asked.
"Yeah?" Andrew replied, staring around at all the aliens in shock.
"You recognized the language we were cursed in?"
"Yeah," the blond geek confirmed.
"Care to translate?"
"It translates to…you will be sent to the most wretched hive of scum and villainy you know of."
The two stood there in silence for a minute.
"Do you have a plan?" Andrew asked.
"Since I was twelve," Xander said absently.
"Even with all the changes that were made?"
"I made modifications to the plan, but the broad strokes are the same," he replied. "You?"
"My plans mostly involve patching holes in their technology and using the money to purchase a complete rainbow of dancing girls," Andrew admitted.
Xander gave the geek a look with a raised eyebrow.
"I like girls," Andrew said fiercely.
Xander forced himself not to smile as seeing Andrew try to be fierce was like seeing a puppy try to intimidate a lion, cute, but ineffective.
"All the girls we know kind of intimidate me," Andrew admitted.
"I believe you," Xander said, as even a moment's reflection made him admit all the women he knew could be moderately terrifying.
"So, what's your plan?" Andrew asked.
"Step one is to borrow some blood…"
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
"Where were they sent?!" Buffy demanded of the defeated mage, who was groaning in front of her, bruised and battered.
"The worst place imaginable," the mage gasped out with a grin before expiring.
"Shit!" Buffy cursed before turning to Giles. "Why is it that whenever we get together, things go to hell?"
"Probably schedule that way by The Powers Above because together we can handle it," Giles assured her. "There's no need to panic quite yet, I heard the incantation he used, and while horrible, it isn't capable of sending them to hell."
"Really?" she asked, hopefully.
"Most certainly," he assured her. "It sends them to the worst place they can imagine, which is quite bad, but not anywhere near as bad as hell."
"OK, I'm worried, but reserving panic as a later option," Buffy said.
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
"The new designs for gambling machines made Jabba quite happy," Xander told Andrew. "Got a ten percent bonus from the pit boss and…"
A red-skinned Twi'lek timidly entered the room.
"Xander!" Andrew exclaimed in shock. "What were you thinking? She can't be older than 12!" He stopped working on the open panel in front of him to glare at Xander.
Xander laughed. "I was thinking you'd appreciate a helper. The pit boss was going to have her disposed of as an object lesson because she's too willful to be a slave and has shown a disturbing amount of intelligence."
"Ah." Andrew calmed down. "Sorry."
"Don't sweat it." He waved it off. "Introduce yourself," he told the young alien.
"I'm not allowed a name," she said nervously. "My dancing was deemed unsightly and my body too underdeveloped to pleasure anyone. The pit boss said he was giving me to someone who would break me of my bad habits."
"What bad habits?" Andrew asked.
"Willfulness, intelligence, and…I've tried to escape," she admitted.
"Andrew, would you mind breaking her of any of those you consider to be bad habits?" Xander asked.
"But I don't consider any of those to be bad habits," Andrew replied, confused.
"Then I guess you can jump to naming her and training her as your helper."
"I think I've got some coveralls that will fit her, because that dancing stuff isn't really functional," Andrew agreed. "Would you like the name Asuka?"
"How did I know you would name her that?" Xander asked himself as Andrew led the confused but hopeful young Twi'lek off. Looking around the ungainly craft they'd managed to buy…get their hands on (buy implied a great deal more legitimacy and less violence than had been required) he admired the amount of work Andrew had done on it. The bastard child of a one-night stand between a space station and a ship dock, it had been scrapped as newer and better stations came on line during a war that had lasted over a decade…a century or two past.
How it ended up on Tatooine, buried in the sand with two of its eight upper viewing pods using as housing for an exotic version of chickens was open for debate, but thanks to Andrew's hard work it was not only livable, but comfortable.
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
"Any luck waking Willow?" Buffy asked.
"She's still sleeping," Giles said. "The closing of the artificial Hellmouth drained her and Kennedy both. It'll be another week before it's safe to wake them."
"How about Dawn?"
"We can have her here in two days, but while her skills have improved, this may be beyond her," Giles warned.
"They may not be in hell, but it's still gotta suck," the blonde slayer said, wringing her hands worriedly in a way that reminded him of Joyce.
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
"No, No, No!" Xander groaned and sighed as his chosen fighter went down to the jaws of the Rankor. Jabba's laughter rang out over the crowd, pleased at his win.
Xander sighed. "Well, I am a man of my word," he said as her pulled out a data chip and handed it to the white-skinned male Twi'lek that Jabba was using as an interpreter. "This should give you a large enough edge to undercut and dominate the organ smuggling market. By the time anyone manages to duplicate your work, you'll already own them."
The interpreter bowed slightly and translated, "Jabba is pleased and would like to offer you a gift for both your graciousness in losing and for the profits you've given him."
Xander smiled and perked up. "Jabba is kind and generous. I'd be happy to accept any gift he gives me."
The interpreter waved Xander towards the pit boss who escorted him to where a pair of Twi'leks sat, one light blue and the other a light purple.
"Knowing you have a way with troublesome slaves, Jabba has gifted you with Tri'kea," he said, waving at the blue girl. "She was a good slave until Spa'kle became injured, so Jabba is throwing in the one-legged dancer for free."
"Intelligent and willful?" Xander asked with a grin.
"Yes, though being willful around Jabba makes one question the intelligent part."
Xander laughed and scooped up the one-legged Twi'lek. "You know what I like."
"How is the little red one doing? Have her bad habits been corrected, or is she causing trouble?" the pit boss asked curiously.
"I gave her to my friend Andrew to straighten out, and a week later when I asked, he said she was the perfect little helper without a trace of bad behavior he could find," Xander assured him.
The two Twi'leks exchanged nervous glances.
The pit boss nodded, satisfied, and saw Xander to his speeder. "Have fun," he said with a smile, no doubt picturing Xander breaking the two new slaves in.
After a few minutes of silence as Xander drove, Tri'kea spoke up, even though protocol deemed she should remain silent, "Do you use drugs for the breaking of slaves?"
"Nope."
"Pain?"
"Nope."
"Cybernetic implants?" she guessed, running out of traditional slave retraining methods.
"What is considered inappropriate behavior for one of Jabba's slaves is considered appropriate for one of mine," Xander replied.
"I have little value," Spa'kle said, wanting to get it over with. "I was trained as a dancer and am good for little else."
"Don't say that!" Tri'kea exclaimed. "You can train others to dance. You are skilled at that and coming up with new dances. I assure you she has value!"
"Dancing is not one of the skills we need, but intelligence and an ability to learn are," Xander reassured them, seeing how upset they were getting.
"Learning?" Spa'kle asked cautiously.
"Yes," Xander agreed. "Anything and everything. Andrew and I ended up on Tatooine by accident, and since then we have been working on getting a ship and making it space worthy. Any job that you can learn to do to help that, is open to you."
Both girls stared at him like he was mad.
Xander grinned and parked the speeder near a large dome. "Come in and ask Asuka if you don't believe me."
"Asuka?" Tri'kea asked as Xander lifted Spa'kle.
"She said they refused to give her a name, so Andrew gave her one."
A hatch in the side of the dome irised open and they stepped inside, the cool moist air feeling fantastic after being out in the hot, arid night.
"Guests?" Andrew asked. "Or helpers?"
Asuka stepped close to his side and communicated something to the two newcomers that would have raised their eyebrows if they'd had any. "I'll go prepare quarters for them near Xander," she said, vanishing down the hall.
"Helpers," Xander told him, failing to keep the amusement from his voice.
"She filled out a lot," Spa'kle observed in surprise.
"She wasn't getting nearly enough water or protein," Andrew said.
"Why do you have the humidity so high?" Xander asked, setting Spa'kle on a table, as the room they were in appeared to be a diner.
"Asuka keeps getting dry, itchy lekku," Andrew replied. "I keep raising the moisture level, but each night I have to massage them with oil to keep them from cracking."
The two Twi'leks exchanged glances.
"Andrew," Xander wondered exactly how to open this can of worms and decided to skip it. "You know how some girls like to have their hair brushed before bed?"
"Yeah?"
"Same deal," Xander lied. "Put the humidity back to normal and just let her know you'll rub lotion in them to prevent cracking every night."
"I'll do that," Andrew agreed happily.
Xander quickly introduced the two new crew members and asked Andrew's opinion of Spa'kle's missing leg.
"A week in the bacta tank to regrow it, but it'll be a couple of months before she can use it the way she used to," Andrew said. "Professional dance requires a lot of skill and conditioning. I can ready the tank tomorrow."
"That sounds great," Xander replied. "By the way, I won the Corvair engines and 'lost' the organ cloning data to Jabba."
Andrew beamed. "That was some of my best work!"
"You are happy you lost?" Tri'kea asked.
"Yes, for several reasons," Xander agreed.
"The number of people that are killed for their organs is shocking," Andrew explained. "I gave him all the data and plans needed to clone organs, which means less people have to die and eventually the technology will leak out and doctors will be able to clone organs in hospitals, eliminating the organ market altogether."
"If I tried to patent it, it'd probably be suppressed by any of a dozen groups that make money from bootleg organs," Xander said. "This way it'll be too widespread and well-known to bury by the time word of it gets out."
"And by losing to Jabba we gain goodwill as well," Andrew said. "I'm going to help Asuka and put her to bed, night all."
Spa'kle waited until Andrew had left before asking, "Does he know our lekku are erogenous zones?"
"He should, but she's got him wrapped around her finger, so who knows? Personally, I'm just staying out of it. Both of them are happy and that's enough for me."
"And he can really regrow Spa'kle's leg?" Tri'kea asked.
"Easily." Xander promised.
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
"Dawn is on her way," Giles promised Buffy as he got off the phone.
"Thank god," Buffy exclaimed, beginning to relax. "I just couldn't go to bed until I knew things would be alright."
"She is catching the next plane here, so put your mind at ease," Giles assured her. "I have no doubt the boys can survive two days of wherever they are."
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
"I don't know," the smuggler said, eying the old man who was trying to rent his ship and smelled of trouble.
"How about I sweeten the deal?" Xander asked, taking a seat at the table and shocking the old man for some reason.
"You got cargo you need moved?" the smuggler asked.
"Nah," Xander said, setting a cred chip on the table. "I got a doc working with me on a project and the kid's young enough that a pint of his blood and the old man's should give us the data we need."
"Seriously?" the farm boy asked.
"Whoa!" the smuggler said, reading the amount of credits on the chip. "This will get you two a ride to wherever you want to go."
"Why can't I sense you?" the old man asked.
"Good hygiene?" Xander joked.
A day later…
"Who wants to be a Jedi?" Xander asked with a grin.
The two Twi'leks who had been working with a couple of droid on upgrading the ship's shielding just stared at him, trying to figure out if he was serious or not. Of course, they had heard amazing things from the three Twi'leks who had been on board for months before Xander had won them playing cards, but to make someone a Jedi?
Na'r'tea tilted her head, the normally reserved white-skinned Twi'lek's posture all but screaming disbelief, while Pin'ky (as Xander had christened her when the bright pink Twi'lek refused to give him her original name), who was always optimistic, just looked hopeful.
"Yes, I am serious." Xander assured them. "I'm just talking about powers, though, not the training or bullshit religious rules."
"How?" Pin'ky asked eagerly, recalling tales of powerful Jedi from when she was a child.
"Cloned blood and filtered midichlorians," Xander replied. "Andrew and Asuka claimed the first batch and injected each other. Spa'kle and Tri'kea have called dibs on the second, so we're looking at about a week before we have a third ready for us."
"And it has worked?" Na'r'tea asked.
"Never been tested," Xander admitted readily. "We just know it'll work."
"How?" Pin'ky asked.
"If it works on the others, I see no reason not to," Na'r'tea said, interrupting Pin'ky.
"A week would give us some definite results," Pin'ky agreed.
"We should see results a lot quicker than that," Xander said.
"Even if it works, they'll need time to learn to use the Force," Na'r'tea pointed out.
"Andrew has used something similar before, but I believe the first proof will be when they become empathic," Xander said with a grin.
Asuka had filled out rapidly since she'd arrived, her small size having been the result of a near starvation diet by an alien species who didn't understand her needs, and her attempts to seduce Andrew had been getting more and more blatant as time went on, but she kept getting stymied by his obliviousness and her insecurity in her own charms.
Everyone waited eagerly to see what the results would be, and if the cloned blood worked.
Typing by: Elrod Albino