Face to Face
Part 3
"Thanks." Jackson took the steaming cup of coffee from Aaron's outstretched hand. He waited until the younger man was seated then said, "I really like Paddy, he's a good bloke."
Aaron was a little surprised by the statement and even more surprised with what then came out of his own mouth, "Yeah, there's a lot to like. He's cool in an un-cool sort of way! If you know what I mean?"
Jackson laughed, "Yeah, I think I do." After a few seconds his face hardened, his tone of voice to match, "You're lucky to have him you know."
Aaron fought the urge to look away and stared directly into Jackson's searching gaze. "Yeah, I know."
Sitting back in his chair Jackson responded coldly, "Let's hope you don't go forgetting that anytime soon!"
"What do you mean by that?" Aaron demanded.
"I saw what you did to his face! Was that the first and last time you hit him?"
"What?" Aaron asked incredulously.
"You seem to make a habit of hitting out at people you supposedly care about. I know Paddy would forgive you time and time again; it's what you call unconditional love. My cousin's husband used to beat her. In less than a year he'd punched every ounce of self worth out of her. I'd never willingly put myself in that position."
Aaron bowed his head, shame and self-loathing weighing heavily on his shoulders. He couldn't take back what he'd done and sorry was such an inadequate word no matter how many times you said it or how very much you meant it. Paddy might have forgiven him but he could never forgive himself, and it didn't seem Jackson would either.
Unhappy with Aaron's lack of verbal response Jackson pushed on, "Everyone has a temper, some worse than others. I can control mine and Paddy sure as hell can else he'd have knocked seven kinds of shit out of you by now!"
Slowly lifting his gaze to meet the older man's Aaron finally said, "He wants me to go to anger management."
"Sounds like a good idea to me, it's just a shame the idea didn't come from you."
Aaron shook his head, he'd expected the conversation between him and Jackson to be difficult but he hadn't expected to come under constant attack, and that's how it felt. Maybe he deserved it, but was that why Jackson had come? To make him feel like crap?
"You don't believe you need some sort of counselling?"
"Is that why you came? To see if I was getting professional help?"
"Yes! Well wouldn't you say a suicidal homophobic homosexual thug was in need of some?"
Aaron rocked back in his chair, eyeing the older man with alarm, was that what he was? Yes he supposed he was, partly, well he wasn't suicidal anymore but otherwise yes, that was exactly what he was. "I don't like what I am! I hate what I am." The truth suddenly tumbled unbidden off Aaron's lips.
"Why? What exactly is in there?" Jackson reached over and jabbed his index finger into Aaron's chest, "Some kind of monster?"
"You seem to think so!"
"No. No I don't. But you do! Why does what you feel for another man disgust you so much? Why do you think it's so wrong?"
"No one ever told me differently!" The words erupted from Aaron's mouth, he wasn't sure where they'd come from but they were starting to make some sense. "Everyone around me saw being gay as sick. My mates in school, on the estate, they hated gays. Gay bashing would be a sport to people like them! And my dad..." Catching himself before he said something he knew would really hurt him Aaron leapt to his feet, the momentum sending his chair crashing to the floor. Turning his back on Jackson he strode towards the window. He could sense Jackson's eyes on him and knew he'd just given him another reason to distance himself. He looked out at the village and wished himself a million miles away.
"What were you going to say about your dad?"
There was gentleness in Jackson's tone, one that took Aaron by surprise; he turned around to look him in the eye, hoping to see something just as reassuring there. When he did he stared down at the floor, trying to work up the courage needed to share a little more of himself.
Jackson was painfully aware of the younger man's internal struggle, and was beginning to regret his earlier approach. The hurt Aaron had bottled up inside of him was the reason he was the way he was. Maybe outing it wasn't possible, and maybe it wasn't even the right thing to do. And anyway, what gave him the right to even try?
The answer came swiftly; he liked Aaron, was strongly attracted to him, and like Paddy knew instinctively that the young man was worth every bit of the time and effort needed to reach him. Getting to his feet he righted Aaron's chair then returned to his own.
Seeing Jackson's gesture for what it was, a silent plea, Aaron forced his reluctant feet back over to the table, and resumed his seat.
Wrapping his hands around his cup Aaron stared into its now cold contents and began to speak "I was about twelve, thirteen maybe and there was this programme on the telly. It was all about gay men. My dad said it wasn't normal, that what they did together was sick, perverted was the word he used. He said that they used to lock men like that up, that they should still be locked up and the key thrown away! He turned the telly off then, started moaning about paying the TV licence fee, said why should he fork out his hard earned cash just so they could put crap about puffs on TV!"
As the words sank into Jackson subconscious he reached out his hand and rested it on Aaron's arm, "Is that why it was so hard telling Paddy?
Aaron shrugged, "I don't know. Maybe. Probably."
'Well congratulation Mr Livesy' Jackson thought scathingly to himself, 'You've damaged your son in more ways than one!'
/
Paddy was back at the window, feeling every inch a peeping tom. Catching a glimpse of Aaron's bowed head he quickly stepped away. Did he go in or return to the bench and his paper?
Something in Aaron's posture told Paddy the two young men needed more time alone and so he turned on his heels and walked away.
TBC