Sarcastic Insert Marvel
John yawned and glanced at the monitors again before stretching. It was almost time for shift change. God, he loved working third shift!
He groaned aloud as he saw a line of electronic parts creep along the ground. Grabbing his flashlight and walkie-talkie he quickly called the other security guard at the South End, "Hey, Sam. This is John at the North End. Looks like I got some kind of super villain trying to rob Radio-mart. I'm going to go have a word with him."
The Radio crackled and Sam replied, "You're nuts! Standard procedure is to call it in to the police."
"Yeah and some superhero shows up and they trash half the mall. Screw that, I like our comfy little jobs."
"Fine, but if you don't call in ten minutes I'll have to assume you're dead and call them myself."
"Fine," John replied and rolled his eyes.
He followed the trail of parts to the rear docks where a guy dressed in spandex with a fake pair of antenna attached to his head laughed maniacally.
"Soon my friends, soon we'll have everything we need!"
"Put it back," John ordered calmly, shining his light in the super villain's face.
"No, you'll ruin my evil plan!"
"Let me guess you're just a few parts short of some invention that will allow you to increase your control over insects dramatically, right?"
"How did you know?" the masked man asked, stunned.
"I have a sixth sense about these sort of things," John deadpanned.
"You're a psychic?" the antennaed man asked, examining the guard closely.
"Yeah, let's go with that. You're risking everything for twenty bucks worth of parts that you could probably get from a car stereo."
"I... Really?"
"Yeah I see what the ants are carrying."
"Well… now I just feel foolish," the costumed man said, his shoulders slumping.
"Let me guess, you are doing this because they laughed at your theories and spurned your genius?"
The costumed man's eyes widened as he said, "Your powers are impressive!"
"They sure are," John said dryly. "How about I tell you of the two possible futures I can see for you?"
"I'm listening," he said intently.
"One possible future is you continue on this way in a mask and end up sharing a cell with the Rhino who thinks you have a 'purty mouth'," John said leaning up against the doorway.
The insect guy shuddered.
"Now the second future is you give up a life of crime and take one of several paths to fame and fortune."
"Really?" the insect man asked looking up hopefully.
"Yep, you could use your insect abilities to find lost treasure and become a famous archeologist."
"I… I could do that," he said in wonder.
"You could also go a little more low key to the general public and sell your skills to the 'more money than brains' set in Hollywood, billing yourself as the eco-friendly environmentalist insect wrangler who takes a holistic approach to insect infestations. You have to pretend to be a douche, but you get paid a lot of money and invited to all the best parties."
"I like that idea! How do I do that?" the quickly reforming former super villain asked excitedly.
"Well, first of all, put everything back. Second, burn that outfit. Third, stop by a pawn shop and snag a used car stereo for five bucks so you can finish your invention. After that all you have to do is make sure you're up on the latest terms and buzzwords. Put up a shingle in Hollywood and always say it'll take a ridiculous amount of time before you have an opening, but since it's them you'll be by after lunch. Charge enormous amounts and act like you're doing a huge favor even talking to them."
"I… I'll do it!" he exclaimed, before ripping off the mask, hopping in his van, and vanishing into the darkness.
"How powerful a psychic are you?" came a familiar voice from above.
"I'm not psychic, Peter, I just have common sense."
Spiderman dropped down from his perch.
"Hey, Sam, got rid of the thief with no trouble, going on break now," he announced over the radio.
"Roger wilco and all that, over," the other guard replied.
"You should hang up the webs, they'll only make you miserable. Also, don't date redheads named Mary Jane, she's got enough mental problems to drive you bats. No, great power does not equal great responsibility, well beyond learning to control it so you don't harm others anyway," John lectured.
"And you claim you aren't psychic?" Spiderman asked quizzically.
"Seen the future, but not by use of mental powers. If you weren't fighting the local big-bads, New York's elected representatives would have to do their job and pay people to cover it. I'd suggest getting a nice normal job and finishing college," John said with a sigh, not believing for an instant that the hero would actually listen.
"You make it sound so simple!" Spiderman said with more than a trace of frustration.
"That's because it is simple! It's your own ego that says its' your job to protect the world. People get hurt, you aren't god, let it go!"
"But if I let people get hurt when I could have stopped it-" Spiderman began.
John interrupted him, "There are children starving in Africa at this very moment, which means far more than some measly bank being robbed,but you're not there are you?"
"Well… I..." the hero tried to begin again.
"Save it. You have the right to live your life and you aren't obligated to save everyone regardless of what you think. If you are serious about being a superhero, join a group like the Fantastic Four or the Avengers and take the job seriously, otherwise take a photo of your ass, write 'kiss it' on it, and send it to Jonah while sending letters of resignation to all the other papers stating it's because of harassment."
"Heh," Spiderman chuckled quietly to himself.
John looked at Spiderman and said quietly, "You've done far more good than you think, certainly enough to earn the right to retire."
"I never thought of it that way," Spiderman said skeptically, rubbing the back of his head.
"It's either get serious and give up having a life becoming an emotionless ass, continue as you have and end up missing a leg, divorced, and miserable, or last but not least, retire and actually build yourself a life."
"It's not that easy," Peter protested, tugging at his mask which seemed unusually warm and confining at the moment.
"Sure it is. You still have this victim mindset, where now that you have power and can deal back the shit you've been taking your whole life, you refuse because of some misguided belief that if you stand up for yourself and give it back, you would be agreeing that they had the right to treat you that way when you were weak and they were strong, not to mention becoming like them. Of course that's pretty much a whole lot of crap. Self defense is never equal to assault and that's written in stone!" John practically snarled at him, frustrated.
Peter having no response and feeling backed into a corner, emotionally if not physically, shot out a web and Spiderman quickly fled the scene.
John shook his head, he had been getting through to Peter, but Spiderman was practically encoded in his genes at this point.
"Next self insert my author writes damn well better have whiskey and hookers!" John says shaking his fist at the sky before going back to his post.
Typing and additional color by: Stephenopolos