Face to Face

Part 4

Aaron hadn't given his father any serious thought in a long time. He'd made a determined effort not to. At times a memory would surface and sneak past his guard but he'd quickly crush it. He wasn't a part of his life anymore, he didn't want to be and Aaron had had to accept that. He'd told himself he didn't care, that it was no loss but deep down it still hurt.

Now as he sat dwelling on what he'd just told Jackson he wondered if the man knew he had a gay son. The Hotton Courier had printed the facts for the whole world to see but had Gordon Livesy seen it? With his ugly mush slap bang in the middle of the front page Aaron knew it would be hard to miss!

He could imagine his father sitting at the breakfast table, his mouth gaping open as he read the headline. Disgust and shame would probably have him puking up his muesli. Then he'd congratulate himself for throwing him out when he did! Well to hell with him, he could think what he liked.

Why was he wasting time thinking about that tosser anyway? Especially when someone he did desperately want to like him was sitting just inches away. He'd not given Jackson any reason to like him so far; he'd messed him about, stood him up, insulted and punched him! He'd have to be stupid to even think about giving him another chance?

Long minutes had passed since Aaron had opened up about his father; Jackson had sat silently, patiently waiting for the younger man to come out of his troubled daze. He'd studied him closely during that time, taking in the colour of his eyes, their shape, he'd let his gaze wander down to his cheek, the skin pale and perfectly honed across the bones that lay beneath. Aware his scrutiny was going unnoticed he let his eyes linger on the young man's lips; the tension in his jaw had moulded them almost into a pout. He could remember how they'd tasted, how they'd melded with his own. He knew the kiss had taken Aaron by surprise, he hadn't been certain of a response but he'd decided to take a chance and had been suitably rewarded. He'd gone home a happy man.

A lot had happened since then, he'd been both physically and emotionally bruised. The discolouration on his face had faded quickly but the same couldn't be said for the other hurt. He was so very wary of the younger man now but try as he might he couldn't keep away. Looking at Aaron now he could see only vulnerability and need. But somewhere, hidden deep inside there was anger, a rage instilled by ignorance and contempt and fuelled by fear of rejection.

If Aaron could work through that anger, open up and air his pain, if he could learn to like himself, to accept what and who he was maybe then he'd let someone love him like he deserved to be loved.

That day seemed a long way off but Jackson knew Aaron had taken a step nearer to reaching it today.

When the troubled blue eyes finally met his Jackson asked, "You ok?"

"Yeah." Aaron nodded, feeling anything but."

"You sure about that?"

"No." Aaron replied not caring how pathetic he sounded.

There was a weariness in Aaron's voice and it troubled Jackson. He'd been about to leave, but with every intention of coming back later that day but now he wasn't so sure he should go.

"Can I ask you something?"

Aaron gave the request a little thought and said, "Go for it?"

"Is the world really such a bad place?"

It took a little while before Aaron realised what Jackson was asking him and when he did he put both hands to his face and rubbed hard at his cheeks trying to control the sudden surge of emotion, desperate to stop the tears that threatened to fall. He didn't like thinking about that day or the first few days after he'd come to in the hospital. He'd not talked about it before, not properly and he hadn't expected to be doing so now but suddenly it seemed important that he did.

"I thought it was at the time. I hated myself and right then I hated Paddy even more. He'd told Marlon about me. I came looking for him but he wasn't here...so I took the surgery apart instead. Then I found out that me mam knew as well. I just wanted to crawl into some dark hole, go to sleep and never wake up." Blowing out a shaky breath Aaron glanced at the man sitting across from him, he knew he was listening intently, that he needed to understand and more importantly wanted to understand.

Wiping away a stray tear he shifted miserably in his seat, "It seemed a good idea at the time. A fitting end for a car mechanic. I thought better dead than queer!

"But I woke up, and nothing had changed, Paddy was still there, standing beside me as always, ready willing and able to pick up the pieces. The gobby cow was still shouting the odds. Every time I opened my eyes they were there, hurting just as much as me, maybe even more than me. I knew I couldn't do that to them again.

"I wanted to come home but I was scared at the same time, I hated the hospital but I felt safe there, nobody knew me there.

"When Paddy brought me home, he promised me that everything would be alright. He seemed so sure and I wanted to believe him but I was still so scared inside. By then I'd realised that he'd had to tell Marlon, that he'd had to tell Chas. He'd had no choice. But I still didn't want anyone else knowing. I still thought it was something I had to hide, something I had to control."

"But not any longer?" He'd just had to ask! Jackson knew Aaron was far from happy in his own skin but how close was he to wanting a relationship with a man? He watched as uncertainty clouded the handsome face opposite him.

"No, I'm out but I'm struggling with it still. Paddy keeps telling me I need to move on, that I need to get out and about, that I won't meet someone stuck indoors."

"He's right."

"He usually is!" Aaron grinned but the mirth quickly turned to despondency, "But who'd want me?"

"Me maybe!" The words were out of his mouth before Jackson realised it, his heart overruling his head once again. But Jackson couldn't take them back, he didn't want to anyway. There was still stuff coming between them, things they still needed to talk about. They'd have to take things slowly and he was willing to do just that, but was Aaron? He stared expectantly into the other man's eyes and waited impatiently for his response.

TBC