Chapter 5 – The Hogwarts Kitchen

Delores' head was still a little fuzzy and she couldn't believe how hungry she still was after the totally uncontrollable munchies she had from the weird dream she had about the Hogwarts Divination professor. She had, by the light of her wand, eaten a whole bag of clove drops, a half-dozen Walker's ginger biscuits and a whole tin of sponge spotted dick pudding. She had washed the food down with a half-liter bottle of her favorite lime and lemongrass soda to settle her stomach but it was still a little touchy upon rising.

Delores immediately called for Wikeed and sent the little female house elf to the nearest Apothecary store for a calming drought, some of Healer Crosby's stomach settling powder and an over-the-cauldron (weak) sleeping draught. It was the weekend and Delores was not about to wait in the St. Mungo's waiting room for a relief healer to try and diagnose whatever was going on with her.

While Wikeed was off running for her errand, Delores made some milk toast and mint tea with honey in it for her breakfast and read the Saturday version of the Daily Prophet. She gladly noticed another front page picture of Cornelius Fudge with an accompanying article of him proposing a new law stating that muggleborn witches and wizards go through a strict series of evaluations and psychological tests before they could take a job working in any Ministry post. A minor disagreeing statement from Amelia Bones stated that such a law would seriously affect her efforts to recruit and keep Aurors in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Delores wanted to immediately write to the paper and have the reporter that had the nerve to interview anyone that might have an erroneous and contrary opinion of the Minister of Magic fired. But she remembered that she had technically left her position in the Ministry and decided to write her temporary replacement with instructions to take care of the problem.

Browsing the rest of the paper, Delores couldn't decide if she wanted to try and remember the details of her dream of the night before. There were a few important issues that, if the dream details were somehow a forewarning of actual conditions and people, needed to be addressed when she arrived at Hogwarts.

But the warnings or promises that Trelawney had spoken of could only be the results of a bad combination of food or a weary mind. Delores personally didn't believe that prophecies existed or that seers were anything but frauds and charlatans misleading the poor and weak-minded. It was disconcerting that the Minister of Magic held some stock in them but that was only because he was being cautious.

Wikeed returned with the bottles and phials of medicine and Delores measured out a tablespoon full of Settling Powder in a glass of water and drank it. There was an immediate sense of relief and Delores felt like she could function normally again.

Delores spent the rest of the morning reading Defensive Magical Theory and puttering around the house. While the house elf actually did the cooking, cleaning and gardening, Delores Umbridge prided herself on her ability to have things exactly as she wanted them. That the house elf disobeyed her instruction from time to time only reinforced the idea that any and every other magical creature was to be mistrusted and treated as inferior.

Delores decided that she had done enough preparation for her DADA classes for a Saturday and decided to make an outing of the afternoon. But where to go?

'Dover' came automatically. It was one of her favorite places on the coast. She made sure she was dressed warmly enough to withstand the occasional breezes that ran around the cliffs. She walked into her back yard before apparating away.

Seconds later she appeared behind a stand of trees that were a small distance from the cliff top. Delores cast a Notice-Me-Not charm upon herself and began a casual stroll along the well-worn path. She took note of the many muggle couples and families that were also enjoying the fresh air and scenery and fervently hoped that no one would decide to impinge on her private time by actually trying to talk to her.

There were wide spaces along some edges of the escarpment where one could stand right at crest and see down to the rocky beaches below and people wandering on them. Delores came to the first of these places but couldn't stand to look down for more than a half-second. The half remembered memories of the dreams she had suffered from for almost a week had shaken her confidence and it made her a little dizzy. She stepped back quickly and was almost run down by a gallivanting spaniel that was out exploring with its muggle family. Delores had half pulled her wand out from her purse before the dog made the next turn in the trail and disappeared.

Feeling her blood pressure rise just a bit, Delores focused on relaxing and turned to wander a little further up the trail. She came after a few minutes further walking to one of the infrequent stone and wooden benches that had been erected for travelers to rest their backs and feet on from the walk.

Sitting down, Delores cast the Muggle-Repellant Spell she had proudly mastered during her third year at Hogwarts. It was the first spell she had independently researched and mastered as a student; it had kept a lot of her 'inferior' classmates from trying to associate with her during her time as a schoolwitch.

In spite of the infrequent and annoying presence of the mudbloods, Delores relaxed and enjoyed the setting. Gulls and terns flew overhead, calling shrilly to each other while a few sailboats glided along the water, far removed from the muggle passenger and cargo ships that dwarfed them.

There was a small rumble from her stomach but Delores let the warm sun and breezes relax her as she sat along the bench. There was a passable restaurant down in the village of Dover that served some excellent seafood meals and Delores looked forward to having a really good meal in her system after the discomforting dream and foods that she had consumed so voraciously during the night.

Delores relaxed as a gentle tiredness came over her and her eyelids closed as she relaxed to the sounds of nature around her…..

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The High Inquisitor was on her way to the Hufflepuff dorms which were directly underneath the Great Hall. She had already visited the Slytherin common room and had a number of young witches and wizards that were interested in participating in a specially picked contingent of students. That special Inquisitional Squad would support her aims and to help her enforce the new rules of order that the Minister of Magic and she were in the process of implementing.

Delores thought that after the purebloods that dominated Slytherin House, the members of Hufflepuff would prove to be the next most loyal to the leadership of the Ministry and would gladly volunteer for the squad which would give them extra responsibilities and privileges.

Having already gone through the marked door near the great staircase in the Entrance Hall, Delores descended a series of stairs (which did not move) and a hallway lined with a variety of portraits and scenic paintings before it came to a small branching. A pair of signs pointed in opposite directions; one was labeled 'Hufflepuff Dormitory' while the other said 'Kitchen'.

She was almost passed the branching when Delores heard a sound coming from the direction of the kitchen. Looking around the corner, Delores saw a fourth year climb through a gap in the wall that was covered up as a painting of a bowl of fruit swung back to cover it. With a small gleam in her eye, the High Inquisitor stepped back to investigate the goings on of the daughter of one of Minister Fudge's most troublesome critics.

"Miss Lovegood?"

"Oh good evening Professor Umbridge. You're looking remarkably free of bortarpos this night."

"I.. what? What are bortarpos?

"Bortapos are really small gremlin like creatures that attach themselves to a person's neck and make them say things they really don't believe in."

"Huh?"

"It's like the compliment you gave Professor Snape this morning at breakfast. You said his countenance inspired his students to achieve greater efficiency in the classroom, while what you really meant to say that his face would scare the hands off most clocks."

"I said no such thing" Delores protested.

"Then it must have been the bortapos speaking for you. I heard that most of the students at the Gryffindor table didn't seem to think that you would survive until lunchtime before Professor Snape hexed the bottom of your feet with boils."

The High Inquisitor had wondered why walking had been a little uncomfortable all afternoon but hadn't planned on removing her shoes until she returned to her quarters. She wasn't sure if the girl was seriously confused or belonged at a different type of school. Possible a private ward on the third floor of St. Mungo's.

Lovegood had skipped a few paces away from Umbridge while she had been trying to decipher the strange way the young witch talk. Delores came back as she realized the girl was getting away.

"Miss Lovegood, what exactly are you doing here at this hour?"

"It's not even close to curfew yet Professor and I was talking to some of my friends that work in the kitchens."

"I thought only house elves worked in the Hogwarts kitchens."

"You were informed correctly Professor Umbridge but that doesn't mean that the house elves don't need friends."

"That's three points from Ravenclaw Miss Lovegood for inappropriate behavior from an heir of a Pureblood family."

"There's those bortapos again making you say thing you don't really mean. You should actually got stop and see Professor Snape and borrow some of his crushed and stewed lacewing flies. It's just the thing for removing bortapos and lumpocs from your system"

"What are lumpo…? Never mind; Miss Lovegood you seriously expect me to drink such a vile concoction."

"Oh no ma'am. You don't drink it. How silly an idea that is. No, you have to take a bath in it."

Delores Umbridge's jaw dropped in disbelief and confusion. Evidently, that was the signal Miss Lovegood took as a dismissal and she wished the High Inquisitor a 'Good Evening' and turned and skipped away, humming quietly to herself.

Luna passed a small elf with exceptionally large ears coming down the hallway and they greeted each other and did a little dance before parting company. The house elf continued on its way toward the kitchens and Delores caught it by its collar as it went by her.

"The Professor Underidge wants something of Dobby?"

"That's Professor Umbridge you lowly pathetic creature. I am the High Inquisitor of Hogwarts and I want to see the kitchens. You will show me the way and give me a tour."

"Yes Your Inquisitiveness. Dobby will be most happy to lead you around and show you what's were and who's what."

"How do you get through the door to the kitchens? Every other place in the school has some password or trick to get into it. I doubt that the kitchens are any different."

Delores had shoved Dobby down the corridor and he only stood still for a second and then beckon for the witch to follow him. It was another twenty yards down the corridor when the house elf stopped in front of a huge portrait of a fruit bowl.

"This is how you get into the kitchens. Merely tickle the pear and a doorknob will appear."

"You do it. And now."

"Sorry to disagree with you Professor Underoos but Dobby does not need to enter the kitchens that way. Since Dobby is a house elf, Dobby can go the way of other house elves."

"Dobby can pop in." The strange little house elf snapped his fingers and disappeared leaving Delores alone in the corridor. She barely drew a breath to scream when the house elf appeared again.

"Dobby can pop out."

"Dobby can pop in." SNAP!

SNAP! "Dobby can pop out"

"IN!" Snap!

Snap! "OUT"

"IN!"

"Out"

"In!" "Out!" "in" "out" "In" "Out"

Since Dobby didn't appear in quite the same place as he disappeared from, Professor Umbridge got quite dizzy waiting and watching for the house elf to appear again.

"inoutinoutinoutinoutinout"

"HALT" Delores screamed out and the strange little house elf stopped with a small smile on his face. "Dobby shows the good professor how elf magic works."

Delores put one hand against the wall to steady herself. "Why didn't you bring me through the portrait?"

"Magical people can only get through to the kitchens by using the portrait."

Delores pulled her wand and pointed it at. "And why did you not tell me this right off the bat?"

Dobby grew sad. "I'm sorry but mighty Professor Underage did not ask Dobby. Dobby will punish himself." The house elf began bashing his head against the side of the corridor. While she enjoyed the self-punishment, Delores had little time to waste before going on to the Hufflepuff dorms.

"Stop! You said I have to tickle the pear?"

Dobby straightened up and pulled his socks up to his knees again. "Dobby can do this for the professor."

Walking over to the portrait, the house elf scratched the pear which giggled shrilly and turned into a doorknob. Dobby stepped back and did a little bow toward the other person in the corridor.

Still keeping her wand aimed at the elf, Delores turned the doorknob and heard a click as the portrait unlatched and swung away from the wall. There was a huge round hole in back of the portrait and she walked through it to see a short corridor which led to an open area.

There was a small table with two chairs next to it. A number of house elves came up and surrounded Umbridge and asked what they could fix, fetch or cook for her. Delores swung her arms this way and that and dispersed the crowd by saying she would tell them when she wanted something.

The only one still left beside her was the one called Dobby. His head was bowed as if he was waiting for the witch to yell at him also. Delores shook her head at the pathetic way the house held himself.

"Why is this table here?" she asked.

"That is for the students or staff that come visit and want a bit of food or drink during the day or evening."

"Do people come here after the curfew?"

"A few students from time to time while they return from punishments; the prefects sometimes stop in during their rounds."

"Wastefulness and gluttony. A lack of respect for rules and order. I shall bring a quick stop to this." Delores was quite vexed that it was such a common practice for others to take advantage of the stupidity of the Hogwarts simple-minded house elves.

"Would her Professorship like a cup of tea?" Dobby was looking at her with an idea that she might need a soothing cup to relax with.

"An excellent idea. Some Earl Grey with cream and two sugars." Dobby rushed away while Delores pulled out a chair and sat down at the table. The house elf was back in about three seconds and placed the cup of steaming tea in front of her. He then stood back as if waiting further instructions.

Delores sipped her tea and watched the house elves bustle about the kitchen. At this time of the evening she wasn't sure if it was cleanup from supper or preparations for breakfast in the morning. There had to be plenty of work to do to feed all of the students and staff of the school.

"Dobby, how many elves work in the kitchens?"

"Dobby does not exactly but have heard that there are four score and twenty elves tasked with meals."

"But four score and twenty makes fiv… Never mind Dobby. Who is in charge of the menus?"

"All of us. We work together to make all the foodstuffs that appear on the tables. The morning and lunch meals are about the same all the time except for special occasions. The evening meals repeat every two weeks or so except for the Welcoming and Leaving Feasts and special occasions as the Headmaster asks. Different foods can be made if any of the professor's asks for them. All witches and wizards get a special birthday treat on their day. And Madame Pomfrey orders meals for those that are in the medical wing."

"But who is in charge of all this?"

"Hogwarts house elves all work for Great Headmaster Dumbleydore."

"But who is in charge here?" Delores pressed on with the question.

"Oh Dobby now understands what Professor Mumblepidge asks. That would be the house elf named Grettle."

"My name is Umbridge you stupid elf. Could I talk to Grettle now?"

"Dobby is sorry that Grettle has retired for the day. Grettle is very old and needs to rest a lot. Perhaps Dobby can tell Grettle that High Professoress would like to see her tomorrow."

Delores drained the rest of her cup of tea and set it down on the table; a house elf immediately came and collected the cup and promptly rushed away to wash it Delores assumed.

"Show me the kitchens Dobby."

Dobby walked slowly away describing the various stations where various elves were cooking, baking, measuring and mixing and keeping various dishes under warming and preservative spells until needed for the next meal – in this case breakfast.

They were almost done going through the kitchen when Dobby paused at one set of open doors that belonged to a long square metal unit. "And this is where the truffles are stored Professor Bridgeummm."

"You are the stupidest house elf I have ever met; it is no wonder you work here in the kitchens. You say there are truffles in here?"

"Yes, this is a special cooling and preserving bin where the truffles are stored and kept fresh until the Sunday evening meal."

"I think I will go examine these truffles to make sure that they are being handled correctly." Delores walked into the bin and looked around. "I don't see any truffles in here."

"They are more toward the back to keep them fresher. The inside is much longer than it looks from the outside. It is special Hogwarts house elf magic."

Delores stared at the strange little elf for a second and then lit her wand up. "I will go further back since I smell something wonderful in here."

Dobby nodded and waited. A few seconds later he heard that the nice professor had not found the sweets yet.

"It must be only a few feet further on" Dobby suggested.

Dobby saw the wand light of Professor Umbridge get smaller and smaller as she got further into the bin. When she had practically disappeared from view Dobby snapped his fingers and the two doors silently swung shut and locked

It was about 10 seconds later that Dobby heard a pounding on the door and a faint voice demanding to be let out. Dobby shook his head sadly and snapped his fingers again. The sound disappeared.

Dobby had a wide smile on his face when he summoned a small sign and hung it on the door handle.

"What is happening here Dobby?"

Dobby turned to see an old house elf leaning on a small cane and watching the 'Out of Order' sign as it swung back and forth.

"There is a problem with this unit. A steaming problem Grettle and I have sealed it off so that nothing can escape. I know we don't use this very much and until Varnie can come and fix it I think we should leave it alone."

"Thank you Dobby for catching the problem. I shall tell the bakers to use the other ones."

Grettle walked away slowly and Dobby turned to look at the sign that adorned the outside of the bin. Elongated Bread Baking Oven #11 it read in big orange letters. Dobby made sure the doors were locked securely and then put a couple of extra Out of Order signs around the furnace. Leaning back on one corner of the over, Dobby looked at the many buttons that controlled the temperature inside.

"Hogwarts elves must take care of Hogwarts professors but Dobby is a free elf and will protect Great Wizard Harry Potter." Dobby punched one of the buttons at random and walked away.

Inside Delores had grown tired of pounding on the doors demanding to be let out. Her wand was no help at all and she almost killed herself when the Bludgeoning Spell she cast incredibly bounced back at her.

Delores was sitting on the floor and trying not to cry when she felt the temperature suddenly increase and increase. And increase some more. Delores felt she was about to ignite and burn up and opened her mouth out to scream once more and….

….woke up screaming still sitting on the bench she had fallen asleep on. The bright sun had moved around and Delores realized that she had been sitting in the full sun for a very long time. She was trembling and sweaty and fell her face rather quickly.

She was very sure she had been burned. And suddenly felt faint.

Delores applied a cooling charm to herself and walked away from the Cliffs of Dover. She apparated into town when she was free from observation and drank three big glasses of water when she was seated in the restaurant. She had just made her order when the waitress returned with a small basket of rolls and butter. Delores drew back in shock as she saw the bread and threw the basket at the retreating form of the muggle girl and immediately left the restaurant.

Delores Umbridge apparated home and went into her bedroom, locking the door and lowering all the shades before she hid in bed.