Chapter 13

My long-awaited day of release finally came, and my self-implicated binding was broken on the day of October first. When I stepped out of the hotel, trembling with anticipation, I gripped my camera in my shaking hands and closed my eyes to breathe in the fresh air. The crisp, cool October air of Buenos Aires held promise of returned excitement. I opened my eyes and sprinted away from the hotel, eagerly reawakening my dormant ambitions and drawing them back to my heart. Buenos Aires had more cityscapes to offer than the lush forests of El Salvador, but it was enough to send me into a frenzy of tremulous excitement. The early morning light found me transfixed by the world around me, romping through long streets of buildings that pierced the sky.

Every ounce of suppressed merriment returned more brilliantly than ever, seizing me in a joyous, vivacious rush. The fresh, cool air invigorated me and spun me into wild excitement. My heart raced and my head spun in accompaniment with my constant laughter. The lonely streets were all mine to seize, and they surrendered to my every whim. The land was mine, the buildings free for the taking, and I captured each and every one on the camera screen. For hours I was lost in this transcendent environment, until the blazing sun, the bustling of morning activity, and the rumbling of my stomach persuaded me that it was time to break the spell and return to the hotel.

In an energized, breathless state, I held my camera and watched the red flash of my high-tops against the concrete as I ran back to the hotel. I dashed up the stairs on the side of the homely hotel, onto the outstretched landing lined with welcoming room doors.

"Tamzin!"

I turned and smiled at Ignazio, who was sitting on a bench on the landing looking out at the city, and I returned his friendly wave.

"Good morning!" I called, and he smiled brightly.

"Yes, it is! I was waiting for you to come back!" he said, getting up and moving to the door of his room.

"Why's that?" I asked breathlessly, striding toward our hotel rooms.

Ignazio opened the door to the room and stepped inside, returning after a moment holding a glass that he held out to me.

"I made breakfast smoothies."

"No way!" I cried in delight, eagerly hurrying up to him, reaching out to grasp the glass and smiling at the cold that chilled my hot fingertips. I took a sip and smiled at the blissful goodness.

"Brilliant! Thanks, Ignazio!" I said brightly, flopping down onto the bench and smiling contentedly at him as I slid off the camera from around my neck. He sat next to me and watched me as I took another sip and then gazed lovingly over the railing at the city, pushing my hair behind my shoulders as I tried to regain my breath.

"I love Buenos Aires!" I panted, and Ignazio laughed.

"Me, too, Tamzin. And I love October! It feels great out here! So cool and nice…"

I laughed.

"Yes, but I can't feel it right now! I need to cool off!"

He laughed too.

"I can tell! Your cheeks are all red."

I smiled and leaned back as I sipped the smoothie, sliding down to prop up my feet on the railing in front of us. Ignazio watched me and leaned back against the bench, too.

"And I also love October because my birthday's in October."

"I know," I said, licking the smoothie from the side of the glass as Ignazio watched in amusement. "I'm in charge of the birthday video."

"Oh, you're doing it?" he asked, looking happily surprised.

"Yep, I'm carrying on Valerie's tradition. And how could I not, when I've been receiving hundreds of happy birthday pictures from ALL of the social media sites."

He laughed, and I caught my camera as it started to slide off my lap. I brought it to my chest and hugged it tightly, pulling all the renewed excitement close.

I pulled my feet from the railing and jumped up, going to it and standing before it, gazing outward and grinning uncontrollably. I turned and smiled at Ignazio, who was already smiling at me.

"You look so happy, Tamzin," he remarked, and I gripped my camera and moved back to the bench.

"I am! I-"

I suddenly had the impulse to show him the pictures I had taken on the camera, and I sat beside him and immediately froze when I observed that I was about to hand him the camera. My smile faded and I looked down in confusion at the camera in my hands. I held the camera closer to my chest and looked up at him, observing him.

Was I really about to reveal what I had refused to tell him before? The pictures were mine, my secret, and I wasn't going to share them with Il Volo! They were the last thing I had of my life of being a landscape photographer.

I looked out over the railing.

But…I was still a landscape photographer, wasn't I? It wasn't my job, at least not yet, but I still took landscapes. I was planning for this to be my new routine, being a portrait photographer and going out to get landscapes every once in a while. Maybe I could be both a landscape and a portrait photographer.

I stared into the distance, a look of surprised incredulity and confused disbelief obvious on my face.

I held the camera tightly, still feeling in danger of my photos being discovered and ceasing to be mine only, and I became aware of Ignazio mirroring my confusion.

"Tamzin? What's wrong?"

"I…I'm going inside."

I stood up suddenly, and Ignazio quickly did the same. I went around him and dashed down the landing and into my room, feeling his eyes on me as I went. I closed the door behind me and looked down at the camera in my hand, leaning against the door.

I shook my head and set it down on the coffee table as I passed to the kitchen to finish my smoothie, resolving to keep my photos to myself and be a portrait photographer only in the eyes of Il Volo.

After my incredible experience with the Christmas photoshoot in Chile, it was a disappointment to me to return to my normal Il Volo routine. I was comforted by my release back into the wild endeavor of obtaining my landscapes, but now I had to learn how to balance being both Il Volo's photographer and occasionally taking my landscapes. I decided that I would hold myself back from taking any more photos in Buenos Aires, and instead wait until we were in the mountainous terrain of Rio de Janeiro, our next location, to engage in the thrill of my landscapes again. While I waited the short time until then, I had to tame my frustration with the return of the normality of my job. I tried to get interested, like I was during the Christmas photoshoot, but I fought with boredom and restlessness. I struggled to find balance, trying to focus on Il Volo and not yearn for my landscapes.

Seeing the end of the two weeks away from landscapes energized me, though, and I was determined to find balance between both kinds of photography. I was cheerful and fervent in my work, and my optimism was boosted further by Ignazio, who picked up on my moods and effortlessly improved them with jokes and bright, dimpled smiles.

The first morning I awoke in Rio de Janeiro happened to be Ignazio's birthday, and I slipped away out the small inn's back porch outside of our rooms and ran off into the wilderness.

When I returned a while later in the bright morning light, I paused and watched the hotel from a distance, seeing Ignazio sitting on the porch as he sipped his coffee in the cool morning air.

I quieted, my excited laughter ceasing, my mood dimming as I wondered if he expected a gift from me.

Panting, I slipped my hand into my pocket, feeling the cool metal of the flash drive containing his birthday video, reminding myself that I had at least something to give him. Besides, I was just the photographer, and shame on him if he expected a gift!

With this thought, I flipped my hair behind my shoulders and strolled toward the hotel. I returned his wave when he caught sight of me, and I went up the few porch steps and sat beside him, taking in his sweet smile.

"Good morning," he said, and then turned to gaze at the mountains in the distance and sip his coffee. I took the flash drive from my pocket and held it in my palm, my fingers folded around it.

"Happy birthday," I said softly, and he turned to me and smiled brightly, his eyes shining. I turned away from his gaze. "I didn't get you anything," I clarified, looking down at my red high-tops, but his smile didn't falter.

"That's alright, Tamzin," he said, and I looked up at him, "I don't mind."

"I did make the video, though," I said, and held out my hand and opened my fingers.

His eyes lit up with sudden excitement, and I smiled at his joyous expression.

"You did! That's so great, Tamzin! See, you did get me something!"

He turned and placed the coffee down beside him, and I waited uncomfortably for him to take the flash drive from me. Instead, he reached out for me and pulled me into a tight hug. I gingerly reached up and hugged him back, and he released me after a moment and took the flash drive.

"Thank you, Tamzin! I'm so excited to watch it!" he said, holding it tightly in his palm and smiling at me. "Do you want to come and watch my first viewing with me?"

"Nah, that's okay. I have some stuff I want to do." I looked down at my camera around my neck, suddenly getting excited as I thought about putting the pictures on my laptop. A strong urge to show Ignazio the pictures I had taken that morning filled me, and I smiled brightly and sat up, returning his eager gaze.

"I got some great pictures this morning!"

Ignazio smiled at me and nonchalantly sipped his coffee.

Hearing the words come out of my mouth, I froze in sudden realization of what I had said, feeling even my heartbeat pause inside me. Mortified at my mistake, I clamped my mouth shut and waited for Ignazio's reaction, but it seemed to have had no effect on him.

He did react, however, to my frozen, wide-eyed expression.

"Tamzin?" he slowly set down his coffee again and focused on me, watching me curiously. "Are you okay?"

I stared back for a moment at his concerned expression before jumping up.

"I'm going inside," I said, and then dashed into my room despite his plea for me to wait.

In the safety of the empty hotel room, I sunk down against the wall, staring in disbelief at my camera.

I couldn't believe I had had the impulse again to share my pictures, and even worse, that I had mentioned them to Ignazio!

"Uggghhhh…" I groaned, putting my head in my hands in frustration.

I slung my camera off and pushed it away in disgust at my own foolishness. Confusion overtook me as I thought about Ignazio's reaction, or lack of. He wasn't surprised at all that I had mentioned taking pictures that morning. But then again, I suppose taking my camera with me was a dead giveaway.

But oh, I was so close to revealing all of the secret!

I snatched up my camera and held it tightly to my chest, pulling my hidden landscapes close to my heart. But after a moment I relaxed my grip and gazed down at the camera in my lap.

Would it be so bad, though, for Ignazio to know? In the beginning, I was hiding the secret because it was what I had left, or what I thought I had left, from my past identity of being a landscape photographer while I had to be a new portrait photographer. But now…I supposed I was both, or learning how to be both. Maybe it was okay for the boys, Barbara, and Michele to know now.

I felt confused and weary, and I shook my head and set the camera down, deciding to think about something else and return to the landscapes at a later time.

When I saw Ignazio later, I expected him to ask about what had happened on the porch, but instead, he hugged me and thanked me for the birthday video. I shied away and sheepishly took my place beside Barbara, not wanting to be reminded about the confusing morning. That day the boys had a talk show to perform on, and as the Il Volo team went about the usual endeavors, I thought about my landscapes and tried to decipher why I was reluctant to reveal my hidden passion. I supposed it was because I had clung to it so tightly before, when I felt like it was being taken from me, that now I was fearful about bringing it up and bringing attention to it.

Every time Ignazio glanced at me or smiled at me throughout the day, I shied away, my confusion and embarrassment at the morning heightening.

When we returned to the hotel in the evening, after Ignazio's birthday dinner at a fancy Brazilian restaurant, I felt weary and grateful for the quiet. I took a long, warm bath and changed into my nighttime T-shirt and shorts, trying to relax.

But I couldn't stop reflecting on possibly revealing my landscapes to the boys, and after I had gotten ready for bed, I sat down and pulled on my red high-tops. Then I stood and went to the back door leading onto the porch, pulling it open and stepping out into the cool evening air and the darkening sky.

I shut the door behind me and paused in surprise when I saw Ignazio walking away a short distance from the porch, alone.

He turned when I closed the door behind me, and smiled gently at me.

"Where are you going?" I called, slowly going down the porch steps.

"For a walk."

I stopped before I reached the bottom of the steps, reluctant to continue, and Ignazio watched me quietly.

"Can I come?"

He smiled and nodded, and waited as I stepped off the porch and jogged to catch up with him. When I reached his side, I slowed and we walked leisurely along. I looked up at him, at his silky hair, its dampness revealing that he had also recently taken a shower. His dark eyes were gentle and observant, watching the path in front of us. His hands were in the pockets of his thin sweater, and he took them out after a moment and kept them at his sides.

He felt me watching him and turned his head to me, smiling gently, and I looked away, down at my red high-tops.

We walked quietly together away from the city buildings and onto a manmade forest trail.

"Did you have a good birthday?" I asked eventually.

"Absolutely," Ignazio said, smiling wide. "It was wonderful."

"Good."

The beauty of the forest in the last bit of evening light quieted me into an interested reverence, and I breathed in deeply, closing my eyes for a moment as I took in the scent of the evening air and the forest. I opened my eyes and found Ignazio smiling softly down at me, and I smiled softly back.

"Just taking it all in," I said, and he nodded.

"I know what you mean. It's beautiful."

I nodded, and looked around us as I picked out good photographs and good spots to get into to take them. I longed for my camera every few minutes, and I shook my head and reminded myself that I should wait a few more days until I took more landscapes, to work on the balance I wanted between the portraiture and the landscapes. I was still learning to be a photographer for both things.

I stayed silent, thinking, glancing up at Ignazio as I wondered about my landscapes and the earlier importance of keeping them a secret. The idea of telling him made me nervous, but I couldn't see anymore why they should remain hidden.

"Ignazio," I said suddenly, looking up at him.

He smiled down at me, his eyes still bright in the dim evening light.

"Yes, Tamzin?"

I paused, thinking, feeling the expectant silence before I said what I felt should finally be revealed, here, in the midst of this realm of forestry.

"I'm a landscape photographer too."

There was a silence, in which I gazed boldly into the darkening green of the forest as I awaited an answer.

"I know."

I looked up at Ignazio in stunned surprise.

"What?"

He laughed softly.

"I know you're a landscape photographer."

"How!?"

"I was talking with Michele a few days ago, and he got a call from Mr. Masters, your principle from Harrison. Michele told me he wanted to know how you were doing, because he said you were reluctant to take the job working for us at first because you were mainly a landscape photographer."

I was quiet for a few moments, stunned, absorbing this information.

"Oh, geez, Mr. Masters!" I cried suddenly. "He's a great headmaster, but that guy's not a good one for secrets!"

Ignazio laughed, and I looked up at him curiously.

"Why didn't you tell me you knew?" I asked.

He smiled gently down at me.

"I was letting you keep it."

I looked forward at the forest, remembering the night I yelled I wouldn't tell him where I went because the information was mine.

"Thank you," I said incredulously after a moment, and he smiled at me.

"Sure, Tamzin. That is the secret, right? That's why you were so tired before?"

"Yes."

"So why aren't you tired like that anymore?"

"I'm learning to balance the landscapes with being your photographer. I'm not doing it as often. For two weeks I even resolved not to go out at all."

"Wow, Tamzin. That's…you're pretty dedicated to us, aren't you?"

I smiled at him.

"See, I told you that you wouldn't be disappointed in me!"

He laughed suddenly and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me close to him for a quick squeeze.

"And I'm certainly not disappointed in you, Tamzin. None of us are."

He let me go, and I smiled and thanked him.

"Do you want to see them?" I asked cautiously. "The landscapes? I have flash drives full back at the hotel!"

"Really!? I'd love to, Tamzin! But if you don't mind me asking, why are you letting me see them now?"

"I'm not completely sure. I guess I'm just beginning to realize I can be both a portrait photographer and a landscape photographer. I don't have to give it up anymore."

"You never had to give it up," Ignazio said after a moment.

"Maybe not. But I felt like it was being taken from me when I first started working for Il Volo."

We turned around and started back toward the hotel, and as the last light of day began to fade, the air began to get cooler and my shorts and T-shirt didn't help to keep me warm. I shivered, and smiled when Ignazio immediately shrugged out of his sweater and handed it to me.

"Thanks for telling me," Ignazio said after I had put in on and smiled gratefully up at him.

I shrugged.

"It doesn't have to be a secret anymore."

When we had left the forest and we were closer to the hotel, my many landscapes flickered through my mind as I wondered which ones to show Ignazio. I saw the warm sunsets, the cool mornings, lush green forests and gray stone walls, blue swirling waters and white sand. I remembered taking all of them, the rush that had overtaken me every single time I had submerged myself in the world with only my camera and a determination to capture its beauty.

I realized that I was sporting an excited smile, and when I saw Ignazio was watching me in amusement, I grabbed his hand and started to run, pulling him with me.

"Come on, Ignazio! Let's go!" I cried, sprinting with him alongside me.

He laughed and easily kept up with me as we ran back to the hotel, up the porch steps, and into my room. He watched as I ran to my camera bag and pulled out a handful of flash drives that I dumped onto the counter. I quickly sifted through them, reading the labels and pushing aside the wrong ones as I instructed Ignazio to get my laptop.

When he had powered it up and I had found the right flash drive, I sprinted over to the couch and pulled it from his hands, dropping down in front of the coffee table and pushing in the flash drive.

"Costa Rica," I explained, abandoning the laptop to him and sitting beside him on the couch, watching him.

He stared in disbelief at the forest I had photographed from a high tree, and the look on his face reflected the excited awe I had been in when I took the photos.

"Wow, Tamzin," he breathed, and looked up from the laptop.

I quickly reached out and clicked to the next image, directing his attention back to the screen. I watched him gaze at the images as he clicked through them, smiling in amazement. I savored the look of wonder on his face, feeling my own rush of excitement inside me as I remembered taking each one.

"These are beautiful, Tamzin!" he exclaimed, and I leapt up from the couch and returned to the counter, hurriedly fingering the flash drives and grabbing a few.

I ran back to the couch and pulled the flash drive from the laptop.

"Hey!" Ignazio said, looking up at me, but I immediately put in another one containing cityscapes. Ignazio quieted and looked up at me in amazement. I laughed a wild, gleeful laugh at the wonder on his face, and he smiled brightly at me and turned back to the pictures. I absorbed his amazement and awe, blissfully taking in his expression as he looked at the photos I had taken. I quickly exchanged the cityscapes for the very pictures I had taken that morning, the beautiful, mountainous photos of Rio de Janeiro in the morning light.

"This morning," I explained, and he smiled as I realized that I was trembling as I watched him admire the scenes and reciprocate the awe I had experienced at the time of their capture.

"They're beautiful, Tamzin! They're amazing! You're amazing! So this is what you do in the mornings…Wow…"

I smiled, still savoring the bright wonder in his eyes.

"Well," he said, turning toward me, "I approve."

I laughed, and he laughed with me.

"Got anymore?" he asked, and I reached out and pulled the flash drive from the laptop.

"Of course!" I said, gesturing to the flash drives scattered around the countertop. I jumped up and hurried to them, adding the one in my hand to the pile. I reached out for another one, but then paused as I observed my hand shaking in front of me. I felt the excitement trembling inside of me, and I suddenly felt that I didn't want to share everything that night. Tonight could be his first taste, his introduction to my landscapes, and I'd lay the night to rest before I overwhelmed both of us. I looked down at the counter, and then turned back to Ignazio and smiled gently. "But not now. It's late, and you should go to bed. I'll show you the rest later."

He pulled a dramatic pouting face, but then smiled.

"Okay, Tamzin. Sure."

He got up and came to me and gave me a hug, holding me so tightly I figured he could feel my excited trembling.

"Thank you," he said into my ear. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

He released me and left my hotel room through the hall door, turning back to smile at me before he closed it.

I stayed standing at the counter, watching the closed door, and then I turned and looked at my laptop on the coffee table, the last picture on the drive on the screen, the outline of dark buildings against the early morning sky. I went to it and closed it, hugging it to my chest and bringing it back to the counter. I picked up the flash drives and then untied my red high-tops and threw them toward the back door. I locked the door to the room and went to the window to look out the way we had walked, smiling as I reflected on our conversation.

I yawned and suddenly felt very tired from the busy day. I went to the bedroom and listened to the quiet for a moment before pulling the covers back on the bed. As I slipped my bare feet under them, I realized that I was still wearing Ignazio's sweater. I moved to take it off, but then shrugged and decided to leave it on. It was comfortable, and it smelled good. I fell asleep still seeing and savoring the wonder on Ignazio's face as he viewed my landscapes.