We stayed like that for awhile, eyes locked. He finally loosened his grip on my wrist and I drew my hand back.

I tried so hard to tune out his thoughts, but I didn't think it was even possible for a shadow-kissed to ignore her bond-mate. He was as confused as I was; he didn't know what to do with our bond. He still had headache because of the hangover, but it wasn't something he wasn't used to.

Knowing that Adrian wouldn't be the one to start the conversation, I moved away from the bed. He parted his lips to protest, to ask me to stay, but I shook my head. "I'm not going anywhere. Just getting you aspirin."

I moved to his kitchen, took a glass and filled it with water. Meanwhile, his thoughts found their way to mine.

He remembered going to the bar after the gunshot and the chaos, his emotions so agonizing that even I was overwhelmed by their intensity. Spirit magic was taking its toll on him.

He even wondered if it was a mistake when he pushed Lissa away from me, determined that he would be able to bring me back to life. Looking back at the memory, he cursed himself for being so sure that he was capable of summoning that much power to bring back the dead. What if I didn't have enough strength? He thought. What if I took too long and she really did die? After all, in the past, the closest thing he did to heal someone or something was saving a dying plant. Ha. I think even he laughed at that memory.

But seeing my lifeless body on the ground, my shirt soaked with so much blood… He had never been so terrified his whole life.

His thoughts went to how Dimitri had kissed my forehead earlier. Just like Sonya said, seeing Dimitri and I together like that from Adrian's eyes, he could really see our golden auras matching each other's.

That meant Dimitri and I we were truly in love.

He was afraid he might lose it that night. So he did what he always does. He drank. After a couple of drinks his memories were a blur. He shouted at someone. The person looks at him in his drunken state in disgust. He flirted with a blonde. The blonde was to kind to ignore his flirtation so she asked where he stayed. Her guardian managed to bring him back to his apartment.

He didn't remember much about what happened later, only that he woke up the next day, determined to get the hell away from the Court. In other words, away from me. He had a heated conversation with his father when he didn't consent his departure. He even threatened Adrian, but knowing that his father was bluffing, he ignored his words. The next thing he knew, he had already booked a one-way ticket to London.

He wondered for awhile if he really wanted to leave me, Lissa, Jill, his mom and hell, even Christian. That was when Lissa came visit him with a big smile plastered on her face, announcing that her coronation was already planned. Obviously, he couldn't miss it, and with relief he postponed his flight. He wasn't sure exactly why he felt alleviated, but I had a feeling that it was because he wasn't wholeheartedly ready to go just yet.

I took a deep breath and walked back to his room with a glass of water and his medicine. I sensed that he didn't want to be nursed, but he took the glass anyway.

And again the silence presumed.

I braced myself for what I was about to say.

"Adrian, first of all, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I know you don't have any more reason to trust me for anything-or even to listen to what I'm about to say-" I paused.

His chest, that was already aching, now felt like it was suffocated. He would forgive me, of course he would.

I remembered his words to me the night we almost made love to each other.

Rose, somehow, I think you could do all sorts of bad things to me, and I'd still come back to you.

But he couldn't ignore the fact that I lied to him and to myself repeatedly for my feelings for Dimitri.

His feelings darkened, and he had an expression of angriness that I'd never seen on his face. That was when I had to play my role. Slowly, I focused on those negative emotions, and began absorbing them. I was careful not to absorb too many at once so that he wouldn't notice what I've been doing. So, I said things that I knew would summon up his darkest thoughts, so that I could take away his pain.

"I know you think that I lied to you when I told you I was over him. Here's the thing; maybe I did. But I didn't do it consciously. I think lied to myself so many times that I believed my own lies. But my affection for you? It was real. I cared about you. I still do now, more than ever."

Okay, so this whole speech wasn't going as well as I hoped to be. In fact, I began to ramble. I didn't mean for him to feel sympathetic towards me, but it was inevitable. Damn! If I continue talking like this he might end up really staying here because of what I said.

"..I can't tell you how grateful I am. I know you had your doubts about your own powers, but you saved my life. I'll do anything in my power to protect you. I swear it. I swear it with my life, Adrian, I'll never let any harm beset you," I said solemnly.

The thought of Adrian harmed, hurt or injured suddenly threw me right off the edge. I think I fully understand now how Dimitri was so protective of Lissa, and how Sonya was protective of him. Having an experience as traumatic as dying and as magical as being brought back to life by someone will bond you to that person. I'm not saying merely the psychic bond like the one I have with Adrian, but an emotional one. I think, even if I wasn't his shadowkissed mate, my sense of protectiveness towards him wouldn't be less than it already is right now.

My fear of him being in agony was a whole different kind of fear.

It was one I'd reserved only for people like Lissa and Dimitri.

He just sat there, unmoving, looking down at his hands. He was gripping his blankets so tightly that his knuckles were white.

He turned his head to look at my eyes. When his glossed green eyes locked with mine, he looked as if he was pleading.

I don't think I've ever seen him more vulnerable my whole life.

"Then what would you do, if the harm that 'besets' me was inflicted by none other than myself?" he mumbled.

My heart sank hearing those words, but I managed to say, "That would never happen. I'd never let you slip away and lose control. Never."

He was frustrated by then. "Why? Why not?"

"You didn't give up on me when I was on the run as a fugitive. I sure as hell wouldn't give up on you."

"Oh? But rose, you already did give up on me," he chuckled.

Did I know he was going to say those words? Yep. Our bond gave that away. Did it still stop me from flinching hearing him say them? Nope.

"I saw your face, little dhampir. I saw your face when Belikov kissed you. Certainty was written all over your face; certainty that you were going to pick him over me. I don't need to question anything from anyone, Rose. In your face I found all of the answers I needed. Not that I have to say anything to you at all. You know all my deepest thoughts, my sorrows, my reasons, my passions, all because of the bond. Yet you are still you, Rose. You're still selfish enough to force me to still be your friend after everything you did to me. What is it there for me to say to you? Go ahead, just read my mind. It's not like I've ever had anything to hide from anyone."
I had a feeling that if he wasn't so tired of everything and if he wasn't still a little hung over, he'd be shouting those words to me right now.

I bit my lip in order not to scream what had been in my mind the entire time. NO! YOU'RE WRONG! I'M DOING THIS FOR YOU! I'M NOT TRYING TO PERSUADE YOU TO STAY!

I wish he didn't hurt like that. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I wished to say. But the words wouldn't come. Instead, I played along to what he was saying.

I purposely blinked my eyes to look as if understanding dawned on my face. "You're right. You're absolutely right. I was—I am—selfish to still try to persuade you to stay with me," I swallowed-purposely-to look as if I just had a revelation.

"You're right. You'll have a long, wonderful life without me."

Though his face didn't show any trace of emotion, I felt his surprise through the bond. There was doubt too. He didn't believe I would sacrifice myself for him just like that. I kept going on.

"You will do great things, Adrian Ivashkov. You may not know that yet. But I do," I smiled. "You'll move on, and find a royal Moroi to marry or something," I rolled my eyes, even though my eyes stung and Adrian wasn't amused by my joke. "And you're going to forget about that little whiny dhampir you met on a ski lodge who was in love with herself." That got me a small smile, though my heart was aching and his was breaking.

He wanted to say, you're wrong, I'm not going to forget that little whiny dhampir, when a realization hit him.

His face hardened, and he leapt out from the bed in a flash.

He understood what I was trying to do. The diversion and sublimating. It was all to distract him from realizing that I was absorbing his anger, frustration, hopelessness.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" he demanded.